Slapshot2286 Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 I run a computer business, and my gf's computer got messed up, so she asked me to fix it for her. Since I didn't have time to stay at her house and fix it there, and it was going to take a while (she had a couple viruses she downloaded on accident....), I took it back to my house to work on. Anyway, I'm not an overprotective boyfriend (at least I try not to be). I try my best not to be jealous, overpowering, or any of that. In fact, she asked me recently if it bothered me if guys flirted with her, and I said not really, because in the end, she's coming home with me, so its not really a big deal. The thing is, she WANTS that to bother me. She doesn't like that I'm that laidback. But nevertheless, I am. I don't believe in cheating/dishonesty, That's not the point. So I'm looking through her computer. I get bored, so I go to go on facebook (some people know what I'm talking about, if not...its like a college profile site for friends to look at/talk to each other), and it loads her profile. It says she's got a few messages from people. Everyone knows what happens next. Like I said, I'm not about grilling her or being jealous at all, but for some reason I felt compelled to read them. The one time I ever do something like this, I find something I'm really worried about. She told me about this guy the other day that sent her a message thru facebook...her first boyfriend (and I think its this guy I'm about to mention) in 8th grade, and how he was really creepy to her and everything....totally playing it off like he's a loser and all. BTW she went to the same school as this kid last year. So...the messages...: The Guy: i have been looking for your picture on facebook since DJ told me that he saw you at school. You look good, and we really need to catch up. Her: Really? i was constantly looking for you around campus last year....i found u a while back on facebook...but i wasnt sure if you would think of me as a wierdo for talking to you. Its a shame i'm not in St. Louis anymore cause i would be really cool to reconnect-its been ages! The Guy: That really sucks...i didnt think i knew how to spell your name for along time. I just off of work and doing homework now, so you if you get this tonight get onto aim. Her: i'm on aim, where are u?! if i dont talk to you, good luck w/ ur work THEY GOT ON AIM AT THIS POINT, SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT WAS SAID... The Guy: where did you go...i got all upset and had to go do homework. i wont be on until late on thur. i have bowling, but i will get on when i am doing my homework. it will be about 10:30 ish at the latest. hope to see you, that smile, and those wonderful eyes. I guess now I should mention that she never once said anything to me about constantly looking for some guy on campus last year....never even heard of this kid...and now he's talking about MY girlfriend's smile, and the eyes I fell in love with. This really doesn't sit right with me. I can't just come out and say hey wtf are these messages about, because its an invasion of privacy...I know. But, how open is she being with me if I find this kind of stuff? I'm really worried, and I'm not usually like this. It bothers the hell out of me. Someone please help with this....I'm really worried. ........... Ross
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 There may not be anything to worry about... yet. However, it is flirting - and guys who have no interest in a girl whatsoever don't say things like that. You'll have to decide whether or not you trust your g/f not to cross that line. There is nothing to suggest that she has, but there is something in what this guy is saying and how he says it that lets me know that he is interested in her. Have you considered just talking with her about this?
Author Slapshot2286 Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 Yeah, I've considered talking to her about it...but the thing is, I'VE already crossed the line by reading her personal stuff. When it comes down to it, I guess I'm a coward when it comes to that. I would rather sit and wait to see if she does cross the line and say something if I have to than admit I did something bad at this point. Besides, if I say something now, (as bad as this sounds), I'll never really know whether she crosses the line or not. It would be hard for her to cheat on me, because he's in another city, but speaking about it is proof enough for me.
housebaby Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 If she gave you her computer FULLY KNOWING that she had personal stuff to hide from you ... she's in left feild all togather, or she has nothing to hide. She should expect that you would see anything incriminating - so either she doesn't care about this kid and sees nothing wrong with talking, or she wants you to see it. I would ask her about it, let her know your concerns - and if invasion of privacy comes up: just mention that she gave you the computer, fully knowing that you were going to look through it...how silly can she be?
Razorback05 Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 I don't think you have anything just worry about just yet. From what you posted of their exchange: Her: i'm on aim, where are u?! if i dont talk to you, good luck w/ ur work The Guy: where did you go...i got all upset and had to go do homework. i wont be on until late on thur. i have bowling, but i will get on when i am doing my homework. it will be about 10:30 ish at the latest. hope to see you, that smile, and those wonderful eyes. The way it appears to me, she's just trying to be nice to the guy. Notice how she doesn't offer him a time/date/etc for recontacting her..she simply says "good luck w/ur work". What was it he got upset about? Rejection? She probably didn't tell you the full extent of the exchange because she didn't want to chance upsetting you over nothing.
fusangite Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 First of all, I think she assumes that you would treat her computer as you would that of anyone whose computer you would look at professionally. So, no, she absolutely does not expect you to have looked at the e-mail and would, as you have correctly discerned, be legitimately offended if you did. I don't see anything in the exchange to make you worry. I agree with the previous poster that she is just trying to be nice in the communications. Maybe she might flirt more intensely with this guy, but from the tone of the communications, I don't think he'd be any more likely a candidate than some guy she ran into at the laundromat. This exchange is completely innocuous. Ignore it and get on with your life.
Cecelius Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 I disagree that there is nothing "incriminating" about these emails. I would put aside the fact that he's an ex b/c the 8th doesn't matter. However, these are over the top for a girl in a relationship -- whether she wants to cheat or not, she is waving the stuff out there too much. She is begging for a problem. I understand the need that most college women have for validation from men in the form of flirting, but this kind of flirting is too much. This problem will be when he asks her out. She will either say no, or say yes (in which case she will be lying to herself that it is not a "date"), and then either tell you about it (with a "just friends" spin) or she will not. If she does anything other than say flat out "no" you have your answer. Personally, I think that things are doomed. She sounds high maintenence (in that she gets mad that you DON'T get jealous) and it is likely that she has higher self esteem support issues than most. Obviously in light of these communications, it makes no sense for you to become more emotionally involved with her, so I think you are at an impasse, unless you are willing to be her chump. I say pull back, gently -- you're not trying to cause drama, enjoy your time with her but understand at least in your own head that it is day to day, subject to when you decide to move on.
Neptune Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 I think she is still trying to make you jealous;) She is just taking it to the next level. Oh, the wiles of a woman:cool:
Author Slapshot2286 Posted September 27, 2005 Author Posted September 27, 2005 I disagree that there is nothing "incriminating" about these emails. I would put aside the fact that he's an ex b/c the 8th doesn't matter. However, these are over the top for a girl in a relationship -- whether she wants to cheat or not, she is waving the stuff out there too much. She is begging for a problem. I understand the need that most college women have for validation from men in the form of flirting, but this kind of flirting is too much. This problem will be when he asks her out. She will either say no, or say yes (in which case she will be lying to herself that it is not a "date"), and then either tell you about it (with a "just friends" spin) or she will not. If she does anything other than say flat out "no" you have your answer. Personally, I think that things are doomed. She sounds high maintenence (in that she gets mad that you DON'T get jealous) and it is likely that she has higher self esteem support issues than most. Obviously in light of these communications, it makes no sense for you to become more emotionally involved with her, so I think you are at an impasse, unless you are willing to be her chump. I say pull back, gently -- you're not trying to cause drama, enjoy your time with her but understand at least in your own head that it is day to day, subject to when you decide to move on. Well, after two years, you find out if someone is high maintainence or not, and from what I can see, she's not high maintainence at all. Of course she likes nice things and being spoiled on occasion, but up until recently, I enjoyed doing it. In her family she never had much money, and got treated like the red-headed stepchild. It made me happy to give her things and shower her with all my love. I only started backing off when I felt like it wasn't making a difference in her happiness anymore. Now she thinks I don't do what I used to...eh. Anyway, about the self esteem. She does have very low self esteem. She's actually going to an anxiety clinic right now, because she gets really anxious too, and I'm assuming the clinic will help her with her self esteem issues too, since its a clinic for that type of thing as well. And as far as the guy asking her out...it would be difficult for them to go on a date, considering he is 800 miles away. And they did plan to be on AIM at a certain time. He said like 11 or whatever. Then she went on and he wasn't there, and she immediately messaged him asking where he was. Fusangite, you're right. I would never go through a client's computer, and she is one of my clients. And on top of that, I'm not the type of guy to investigate all a girl's stuff when she's not around. I never open her drawers in her room, or check her phone or anything like that. If I look at her phone, I'm trying to hack it, or do something stupid like that. She wouldn't expect me to investigate it...especially when I told her the virus basically f***ed her computer. I just got a very strange feeling this time. It was almost like a gut feeling that there was something there I wouldn't like. What makes me worried about these exchanges is that she plays it off to me like its nothing, but talks to this guy for hours on AIM, and frankly, him being VERY fresh and her saying nothing about it worries me as well. Now he's sayin in a message today "aww poor baby" and stuff like that. I'm sorry, but a guy you never talk to does not get this fresh with a girl unless she's giving SOMETHING back........ right?
fusangite Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 What makes me worried about these exchanges is that she plays it off to me like its nothing, but talks to this guy for hours on AIM, and frankly, him being VERY fresh and her saying nothing about it worries me as well. Now he's sayin in a message today "aww poor baby" and stuff like that. I'm sorry, but a guy you never talk to does not get this fresh with a girl unless she's giving SOMETHING back........ right?All she's giving back is not telling him to stop. I agree that it's disconcerting that she is spending this much time corresponding with him but basically, she is doing what I see women doing all the time: enjoying attention from a guy who is attracted to her precisely because there is zero chance of anything happening. Lots of women enjoy romantic attention from men they would never sleep with. I know this because these are the women I date. The world is full of women who enjoy having intense time-consuming friendships with guys who are attracted to them but to whom they have no sexual attraction. It makes them feel smart and interesting. So, I don't think you have to worry about this as a competition issues but you may decide to worry about it as a trust issue.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 So, I don't think you have to worry about this as a competition issues but you may decide to worry about it as a trust issue. Exactly. That's what I don't like. I'm not worried about the competition...this guy's a tool. I just don't like her not telling me stuff. In fact, if she DID want to be with this guy...I'd be more upset at her not telling me and pretending all this time than the fact that she wants to be with him...I want her to be happy.
Razorback05 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Greetings again. I would decide to either let this go, or back off. I will tell you why also. If you confront her about this: 1) she will be offended that you went through her stuff 2) you won't be satisfied with her answer. Let me explain the second point a little better. No matter what her response to the confrontation is, you will begin to wonder "would she have told me eventually if I hadn't asked her?" which brings you back to fundamental question again (after having experienced much drama) which is...to trust or not to trust? I would just let it blow over, dude. As talked about earlier, lots of women will allow a man that she would never be interested in shower her with attention. Surely you've allowed a girl you weren't interested in to massage your ego a little before, right? You don't see it as threatening at all to your mate because you wouldn't touch that with a 10-foot pole. The same applies here.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 Surely you've allowed a girl you weren't interested in to massage your ego a little before, right? You don't see it as threatening at all to your mate because you wouldn't touch that with a 10-foot pole. The same applies here. I don't like that kind of attention. This may seem odd, but it is an EXTREME turnoff to me when a girl knows I have a girlfriend and she tries to flirt with me. I avoid this kind of affection at all costs. It annoys me because the girl makes herself look trashy, and on top of that, she disrespects my girlfriend by deliberately flirting with me anyway. I hate it. Maybe that's why this is a problem to me...because she likes the attention and I don't. The thing is...if I wanted the attention from other girls, I would be getting it on my own...I don't need them coming to me.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Maybe that's why this is a problem to me...because she likes the attention and I don't. Hopefully you and she can sit down and clarify this for each other. The very fact that there is this fundamental difference can blow things apart, if minor frustrations and 'little things' are allowed to build up at the expense of either partner. Those minor frustrations and 'little things', if hidden from one another and allowed to build are the very things that partners use to justify themselves when/if they do start cheating.
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