mereduke Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 Hi I am new and I'll give you the whole story as short as possible. Been with my bf for 3 years come December. He is 36, I am 23. We are both mature and I am almost done with school. We have had an ideal relationship and love each other VERY much (thats what makes this so hard). He was married before for 5 years and she cheated on him. Hes been divorced for around 5yrs now. The thing is, is I have been wanting to get married for a long time now and we have done this merry-go-round crap of he's not ready, he doesn't know if he'll ever want to get married, he doesn't know what his hang up is, etc. Well I took it a step farther this time and started casually seeing other people (I told him so we were clear on that). Well he did freak when he found out I actually was and to make a long story short we had a nice talk Tues. afternoon. He took off half a day at work (which he never does) and came over. Basically, I told him I wanted to get married and I couldn't continue this with him without knowing what he wanted, period! He said that he never thought he'd get married again and the fact that he was atleast considering is good. He said he didn't want to stop completely talking/seeing me. I told him that it can't be like that, there is no back and forth anymore. We left it at, he was going to do some thinking. Well Friday I broke down and texted him saying I don't know where we stand, is this over b/c we haven't talked. He sent one back (which in 3 yrs he has NEVER texted me-he dispises it) saying that he was confused about where we stood too and he thought I didn't want to talk to him right now. I sent one saying of course i wanted to talk to him, i missed him, and i thought he needed time to think. He replied back he has been thinking but that didn't mean he didn't want to talk to me..well I replied back then the ball is officially in your court. I didn't hear from here after that until this morning he sent me a text before he went to the game just saying rise and shine.hope you have fun today.glad you texted me last night.and then we texted back and forth just bsing until he went to the game. And thats it, in a long nutshell. Where do I go from here, what should I think, what does this mean, etc?? HELP I REALLY REALLY NEED IT. Thanks to all that respond!
d'Arthez Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 Why is the commitment of marriage so important to you? That is a question that you need to answer for yourself. He has been married, and is currently divorced. He is much more likely to view it along lines like this: "It is just a legal paper, that basically means that if you split up, you share the value of the assets acquired from start to end. Other than that, it has little practical meaning. It by no means is a certainty that my future wife does not cheat on me, nor is it a certainty that she would not try to screw me over in the financial sense." By issuing an ultimatum you are forcing him to either feel trapped in marriage, or to lose you. That is what it comes down to, now in his mind. Both options are unlikely to make him happy. His (possible) refusal to marry you, does not mean that he does not love you. It only means, that he does not see the point in getting above mentioned paper / certificate. As to what the texts mean, it is simply a means to buy some time. Decisions like this are not easily made.
fusangite Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 Well, you've delivered an ultimatum; essentially, you're trying to extort marriage from him when it's pretty evident from his behaviour that this is not something he feels like doing right now. So, he's testing you to see if you will back down and keep communicating with him and seeing him if he doesn't cave in to your demands. You are sending mixed signals. Are you really prepared to follow through with this ultimatum or not? If you are, stop communicating with him until he asks you to marry him. I'd give it a 50/50 chance. If the ultimatum wasn't real and you are willing to keep seeing him without a marriage proposal on the table, then back down and let things go back to normal. One more thing: if you do manage to pressure him into a proposal, don't expect plain sailing. You will have threatened your partner and extorted something from him. There may be long-term resentment or he may give you an engagement ring and keep putting off the wedding.
Author mereduke Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 Why does everyone see this as an ultimatum...and if it is then why is it so wrong for me to stand up for what I want? In 3 years he has never said he doesn't want to get married. He beats around the bush but will never say it. I just want to hear the truth from him and then I will decide if I want to continue to see him or not. This way I know what to expect and what not to expect. Everyone always sees it that I what I am doing is wrong. But I am 23 and would like to have a future that includes marriage and children with him. Am I suppose to just keep dating him the rest of my life? I didn't realize that responding to the text messages is not following through with this. Thats why I posted here. I don't know how to react or what to think. I just want a damn resolution.
fusangite Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 Why does everyone see this as an ultimatum...and if it is then why is it so wrong for me to stand up for what I want?It's not wrong. We're just pointing out that there will be consequences. I think "if you don't do X, Y will happen" is not a great way of communicating with people in relationships. Telling him that it's very important to you to get married -- that's standing up for what you want. Leaving him after impressing this upon him repeatedly over several months with no ring showing up, that's moving on when it's clear you two don't want the same things. But threatening people is a last resort. So, when you resort to it, there will be consequences, some bad, possibly some good.I just want to hear the truth from him and then I will decide if I want to continue to see him or not.But, as we all know, statements made under duress can't always be trusted. So, even if you get a "yes" out of him under these conditions, it might not be a real "yes."But I am 23 and would like to have a future that includes marriage and children with him. Am I suppose to just keep dating him the rest of my life? I didn't realize that responding to the text messages is not following through with this. Thats why I posted here. I don't know how to react or what to think. I just want a damn resolution.I hear where you're coming from. You can't undo what's happened -- and, for all we on the forum know, you've tried everything else but to no avail. All we are doing is offering you an interpretation of what has happened since and what pitfalls to look out for as things move forward.
sundrop Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 Why does everyone see this as an ultimatum...and if it is then why is it so wrong for me to stand up for what I want? In 3 years he has never said he doesn't want to get married. He beats around the bush but will never say it. I just want to hear the truth from him and then I will decide if I want to continue to see him or not. This way I know what to expect and what not to expect. Everyone always sees it that I what I am doing is wrong. But I am 23 and would like to have a future that includes marriage and children with him. Am I suppose to just keep dating him the rest of my life? I didn't realize that responding to the text messages is not following through with this. Thats why I posted here. I don't know how to react or what to think. I just want a damn resolution. Sounds like we were dating the same person, your boyfriend and my ex had the same back ground and mine and your stories was the same. There is nothing wrong for standing up for what you want, nobody will fault you for that. But be prepared for him not wanting the same thing. me and my ex were together for 3 yrs too, I wanted more and he said he didn't know right now. I had to decide for me that I had to leave the relationship, because I felt after three years he should have an answer for me. I would have been fine with a responce from him, saying he did want to get married to me in the future, but he kept beating around the bush and I felt coming up with excuses. So needless to say we have been broken up for 2 1/2 months now, with limited communication. You have to follow your heart, but just prepared if he doesn't want the same thing right now.
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