littleblackheart Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 (edited) Gaeta, is your bf from the French Caribbeans? If so, it would explain a lot in terms of cultural habits and show of emotions - from the importance of the confirmation to the fathers going abroad for a better life not being a big deal to the somewhat emotional blackmail to get him to come. FWIW, I have an inkling his daughter gave her mother access to her phone once she heard her father wouldn't be there at the confirmation. Once things calm down, I hope the compromise I suggested can be agreed upon if it's really too risky for your bf to go. This thing can be resolved. Meanwhile, kudos to you for showing patience. Edited June 9, 2019 by littleblackheart 1
snowcones Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 If you google "email for divorced parents," you will see that there are websites strictly for parents to communicate about their kids on that will stop this nonsense. If they get out of line, the emails are stored for the judge. And you're simply not allowed to on some of them. Often judges mandate that this be the only communication -- except a medical emergency - -that parents communicate. It forces them to keep it civil and on point. Good point. My ex-H and I had to have something like this put in our agreement. More like I requested it from the court because he would harrass me whenever he felt like it. Once that was put in place, things were A LOT better and now we are over a decade past it all and it's a distant memory.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 Gaeta, is your bf from the French Caribbeans? If so, it would explain a lot in terms of cultural habits and show of emotions - from the importance of the confirmation to the fathers going abroad for a better life not being a big deal to the somewhat emotional blackmail to get him to come. Gaeta said this in her very first post on this thread: "he's from Europe"
littleblackheart Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 (edited) Gaeta said this in her very first post on this thread: "he's from Europe" I know her bf comes from France (as do I), but I also remember reading somewhere he has Caribbean / West Indian origins too. I am happy to be corrected - by Gaeta, if that's ok with you. Edited June 9, 2019 by littleblackheart
Author Gaeta Posted June 9, 2019 Author Posted June 9, 2019 Gaeta, is your bf from the French Caribbeans? If so, it would explain a lot in terms of cultural habits and show of emotions - from the importance of the confirmation to the fathers going abroad for a better life not being a big deal to the somewhat emotional blackmail to get him to come. FWIW, I have an inkling his daughter gave her mother access to her phone once she heard her father wouldn't be there at the confirmation. Once things calm down, I hope the compromise I suggested can be agreed upon if it's really too risky for your bf to go. This thing can be resolved. Meanwhile, kudos to you for showing patience. You are right, my BF was born in the French Caribbeans and raised there up to age 17, then he lived 30 years in Paris and then came to Canada. His ex is also from the French Caribbeans. So you are confirming the Confirmation is a big deal? This drama over it would also be common? My BF is really laid back and not into drama, if he goes through a tough phase he tends to castatrophize in silence and worry but I've never heard him raise his voice or make a scene. He's still not picking his phone, he says he'll wait a few days for the dust to fall. He's probably used to this amount of drama.
littleblackheart Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 So you are confirming the Confirmation is a big deal? This drama over it would also be common?. Yes and yes, especially in the French Caribbean community. I really think it's a simple case of different cultural habits and expectations in the way things are communicated. He's still not picking his phone, he says he'll wait a few days for the dust to fall. He's probably used to this amount of drama. Sounds like he knows how to deal with it. As long as he can find a happy compromise that suits his daughter especially, it'll all be fine . It may involve spoiling her a little extra on her next visit if he can't make it to the confirmation in person. 1
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 He is stonewalling and that tends to fuel drama. He messed up, he got called out on it, he is not happy, he fired up his "crazy" ex and then retreated into his man cave... Very mature. Gaeta, the more I hear about this guy the more I wonder why you are putting up with him... 1
Author Gaeta Posted June 9, 2019 Author Posted June 9, 2019 Something just dawn on me. Friday after her 2 calls and multiples text l was pretty shaken. My BF didn't really get as to why. He said to me: so an ex calls and tells you a bunch of none sense and you panick, why didn't you just hang up and go about your day! , l'm totally not used to this drama. I was nice with her, calling her madame, and trying to reason with her. I was an easy fish!!
Author Gaeta Posted June 9, 2019 Author Posted June 9, 2019 He is stonewalling and that tends to fuel drama. He messed up, he got called out on it, he is not happy, he fired up his "crazy" ex and then retreated into his man cave... Very mature. Gaeta, the more I hear about this guy the more I wonder why you are putting up with him... He cannot talk to them now, they yell and cry and threat to harm themselves. He's not fueling the drama he's containing it. I trust him he knows how to handle it
Shining One Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 He is stonewalling and that tends to fuel drama. He messed up, he got called out on it, he is not happy, he fired up his "crazy" ex and then retreated into his man cave... Very mature. Gaeta, the more I hear about this guy the more I wonder why you are putting up with him...What do you believe he should have done differently?
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 What do you believe he should have done differently? As we have now established, in his culture and that of his wife and child the Confirmation is a BIG deal. The timing is not set in stone so as he lives in Canada then he should have moved Hell and high water to arrange a suitable time so he could be there. Everyone happy and he gets extra brownie points too...
littleblackheart Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 'should have' is not really a helpful solution at this stage, though. How do we know the timing of the confirmation wasn't agreed upon between the parents before the visa thing came up (which he has no control over)? Maybe gaeta's bf is legit worried about jeopardising his permanent resident status and just needs some reassuring that a weekend away to attend his daughter's confirmation won't be a problem, or he feels bad about not being able to fulfil his promise through bad timing? In any case, at this point, his choice is to attend in person or remotely. 1
frus69 Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 I think there's a lot about your BFs past that you don't know. And I feel like you probably better off not knowing. Many things just don't add up. Why was he with such a crazy ex for so long(10 years?), why the ex acted so crazy all of a sudden after 3.5 years, how did she just get his contacts from another continent, if she's that crazy why didnt he change password to protect himself especially after they broke up, why does it sound like hes more relaxed about it than you. Anyway... he's not picking up his phone? Sounds like hes dealing with it fine. He has years of experience with the crazy ex. You probably just need to chill.
Author Gaeta Posted June 9, 2019 Author Posted June 9, 2019 I think there's a lot about your BFs past that you don't know. True, and I am not looking to know, we are 53 and 52, it's not important to us. IMany things just don't add up. Why was he with such a crazy ex for so long(10 years?) I've actually asked over the weekend, he said she had good sides but can be manipulative and dramatic, she got pregnant, it was unplanned, he stayed 10 years. It's not an uncommon story, I stayed 15 years in a difficult marriage. why the ex acted so crazy all of a sudden after 3.5 years, I can only speculate nothing major came up so far, I mean major enough for her to call me and call all his contacts. I am sure they had issues in the past 3,5 years but BF would delt with it in silence. how did she just get his contacts from another continent, if she's that crazy why didnt he change password to protect himself especially after they broke up, I've learn in this thread she probably got access to his phone through his google account. We've just learn recently she has access to it. why does it sound like hes more relaxed about it than you. Cause he's used to it and I am not. Anyway... he's not picking up his phone? Sounds like hes dealing with it fine. He has years of experience with the crazy ex. You probably just need to chill. Yes I trust he knows best what to do.
Author Gaeta Posted June 9, 2019 Author Posted June 9, 2019 'should have' is not really a helpful solution at this stage, though. How do we know the timing of the confirmation wasn't agreed upon between the parents before the visa thing came up (which he has no control over)? Maybe gaeta's bf is legit worried about jeopardising his permanent resident status and just needs some reassuring that a weekend away to attend his daughter's confirmation won't be a problem, or he feels bad about not being able to fulfil his promise through bad timing? In any case, at this point, his choice is to attend in person or remotely. Thank you again, it's nice someone on here understands his culture dynamic. We delt with some cultural differences in the past but nothing to this level. 1
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