conny23 Posted June 8, 2019 Posted June 8, 2019 Dear people, I met a guy on Tinder, and we met a lot of times to hang out and hook up. The agreement was that at first it should only be about casual sex and that we can eventually see if there is more. Since we both had just come out of a long relationship, I guess we both didn't want to go straight into the next one. We met for almost 2 months and at every meeting we got along very well, talked for hours after the sex. But I always kept in mind that it's all about sex and so I didn't have any expectations on him. Little by little he began to tell me how great he thinks I am and that we are on the same level and have the same humor and how pretty and smart I am . He poured compliments on me. I didn't go any further and only answered with a "thank you". In addition, he talked how he imagined a relationship to be and we had the same thoughts about it. But I didn't really go into it because I assumed he didn't really want a relationship. We spent a lot of time together in these two months and exchanged all kinds of things. One day he wrote me if I could imagine more with him than just sex and that it was more complicated than it looked for him. Until that day I hadn't thought about whether the whole thing should become a try to have a serious relationship. I replied that we should please discuss this in person. So we set up a day to meet and he canceled. So he didn't call me for a few days when I wrote him to see how he was doing. As always, he answered quite nicely and normally, but after a few exchanged messages it was over. Of course he made me think with his statements about a relationship, if there could be more or not than just casual sex. He hasn't contacted me for 3 weeks now and meanwhile I have understood that he is ghosting me, which is ok, because from the beginning I had in mind that the whole thing is a hookup and about casual sex, but why did he even throw the idea into the air, whether I can imagine more with him. Any thoughts on that?
d0nnivain Posted June 8, 2019 Posted June 8, 2019 No idea why he dangled relationship then took it back. He may have thought he was developing feelings but when you intelligently wanted to have an in person discussion he got scared off. If that was all it took to spook him you are better off leaving things as they are. 1
Flame Aura Posted June 8, 2019 Posted June 8, 2019 From experience, a FWB situation always ends up with one person wanting more, and normally ends up being hurt. Nobody knows what's in his head you need to talk to him. 1
kendahke Posted June 8, 2019 Posted June 8, 2019 (edited) I think that when you said: we should please discuss this in person.that made it real to him. He may have been just thinking out loud, or he could have sincerely meant it in the moment, but that statement was a bucket of cold water thrown on him because he recoiled with all due speed. You were right to want to discuss it--but I would have said "aw, that's so sweet to say" and left it until we were face to face when I could judge his demeanor in real time for that discussion. Edited June 8, 2019 by kendahke 2
Lotsgoingon Posted June 8, 2019 Posted June 8, 2019 He might have taken your "let's this discuss this in person" and your overall reluctance before then ... as a sign of disinterest. This isn't a criticism ... but it seems you were slow to acknowledge that his feelings were changing. You could have complimented him (in response to his compliments) without committing to anything. Based on experience, if someone is slow to respond to my interest and if someone doesn't reciprocate compliments I give them usually they're not interested. So the question: let's say he did set up the in-person meeting and that said he wanted more. Were you interested in getting more serious or not? 1
Versacehottie Posted June 8, 2019 Posted June 8, 2019 Going to guess that the "let's talk about it in person" didn't go over well. It probably felt like the equivalent of "let's talk" which is typically a sign of bad things to come and he didn't want to be rejected. Maybe felt (incorrectly perhaps) that the way you answered his question was his "answer." The other thing is perhaps posing the question was the need for an ego boost. Just my theory but I think that maybe initially just hooking up was enough of an ego boost & what he needed from you. I think he probably reached a stage where how do you get more meaning, just plain MORE from an interaction and he wanted it in the form of personal validation. I think it could have been just for an ego boost (i.e. his subsequent disappearance make this a likely possibility) or he could have wanted something real with you. Usually the answer is a mix of things, which is what I'm guessing happened here. I don't see why you shouldn't reach out to him--unless you only wanted and only WANT a hookup, then don't. It's probably run it's course if that's your position. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 8, 2019 Posted June 8, 2019 He might have taken your "let's this discuss this in person" and your overall reluctance before then ... as a sign of disinterest. That's what I am wondering, too. 1
elaine567 Posted June 8, 2019 Posted June 8, 2019 Yes, he didn't want the embarrassment of being rejected "in person".
Author conny23 Posted June 9, 2019 Author Posted June 9, 2019 Many thanks for all the answers! Lotsgoingon, to your question: Yes, I would have liked to start an attempt in the direction of "more". But anyway, Versacehottie, I think you're right when you say that the answer to his behavior is a mixture of many things. I texted him and told him that despite the agreement that it was all about hooking up, I was confused ( because of " Do you want more?" + "his sudden disappearance") and that it's a pity we couldn't discuss it in person. Also I wrote, that I just want to know what happend. He wrote me back shortly after and said that we will definitely see each other again, but in the next two weeks he is in the Exam Phase at University and that he has a lot to study. He also said, he doesn't want to see anyone right now and that we could talk about his question, when we meet again, if I still want to and that the question was just a mind game. It could all be true, but to be honest, right now I don't really have any expectations after this answer and my first interpretation was that he doesn't really know what he wants. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 Agree that the idea of an in person talk (the proper way to discuss a relationship) may have scared him & been misinterpreted by him as moving to rejection but do you really want to try to have a LTR with somebody who can't communicate. If you want a last ditch effort, send him a message like this: I asked to talk in person because that is the way adults deal with serious issues. It's impossible to have a serious talk via text. I liked you & was looking forward to seeing if we could be more. Right now I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt & assume you thought I wanted to talk in person for a bad reason & that is why you ghosted me. Call me & let's work through this together in person or lose my #. The choice is yours but I really need you to stop playing games. 2
The Outlaw Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 If he's accustomed to casual hookups/sex, the thought of a real relationship and the responsibility that comes with it could have easily scared him off when you wanted to speak to him in person because it's a commitment. He could have really wanted a real relationship with you, but it's possible he didn't know you felt the same way, and that just scared him off. You can do what d0nnivian suggested, and should you still not hear from him, move on.
snowcones Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 I replied that we should please discuss this in person. So we set up a day to meet and he canceled. So he didn't call me for a few days when I wrote him to see how he was doing. As always, he answered quite nicely and normally, but after a few exchanged messages it was over. He took your answering with "can we please discuss this in person" as rejection. He wanted some sort of answer from you right then, and he didn't want to take the risk of meeting in person for you to say no. So now he's just waiting for you to say you want more.
Versacehottie Posted June 9, 2019 Posted June 9, 2019 Many thanks for all the answers! Lotsgoingon, to your question: Yes, I would have liked to start an attempt in the direction of "more". But anyway, Versacehottie, I think you're right when you say that the answer to his behavior is a mixture of many things. I texted him and told him that despite the agreement that it was all about hooking up, I was confused ( because of " Do you want more?" + "his sudden disappearance") and that it's a pity we couldn't discuss it in person. Also I wrote, that I just want to know what happend. He wrote me back shortly after and said that we will definitely see each other again, but in the next two weeks he is in the Exam Phase at University and that he has a lot to study. He also said, he doesn't want to see anyone right now and that we could talk about his question, when we meet again, if I still want to and that the question was just a mind game. It could all be true, but to be honest, right now I don't really have any expectations after this answer and my first interpretation was that he doesn't really know what he wants. Ok, going against the grain of what the others have said in the last couple of posts: i don't think you should say anything else. Let him bring it back up again. I do believe without pressure you will see him again in a couple of weeks or so. IME sometimes guys "test" out the possibility of having a relationship with you, kind of like he did, to see what kind of response he would get from you, then they pull back, um while they are ACTUALLY considering it. It's kind of like a real question, an ego boost and churning the idea in their own head all mashed up. I think what you said in your last text was great actually and leave it at that. My prediction is he will be back and it will come up again. Now that i understand that he seems to be in college (right?) I would take it kind of lightly in total. Just because college guys (and girls) aren't necessarily relationship-minded and even if they are things change fast enough. But again I'd be shocked if you didn't hear from him again (without doing a thing). I don't say not to do anything because you should be lazy or that it's all on the guy to chase you or do the work but because of the stance that both of you had starting out, how it's EVOLVING and there's no need for either of you to pressure for an immediate answer, which would almost cause one or both of you to panic and think considering dating is the wrong idea. He kinda seemed like he just panicked but seems like he could be a good guy. (who might really be interested in doing well on his exams!!). I think you should take the position that it is being CONSIDERED by both of you. Good luck
SmartDude Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 The original agreement was to have it only be about sex BUT with the opportunity to change your mind at any time. This lacks sexual discipline. You are doing your part, he is starting to perhaps not be able to handle it. It might be totally unrelated to you. He might be suddenly feeling that he would like to have a girlfriend, and that this has been missing in his life. A sudden realization. Women have sex differently, You all can really get passionate sometimes and involve the emotions. To us guys this feels like love and we will get confused quite easily. He may be trying to save his ego. As others have already stated, he may fear that you want to talk to him, so that you can tell him his feelings are not real and that he is a little boy:laugh:. Just be nice..
frus69 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 Why all of you think she appeared disinterested? I think the opposite. I think when she said "lets discuss it in person",he started to really think about this decision, and realized it was not what he really wanted after all, so just changed his mind.
Flame Aura Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 Why all of you think she appeared disinterested? I think the opposite. I think when she said "lets discuss it in person",he started to really think about this decision, and realized it was not what he really wanted after all, so just changed his mind. Completely agree. It seems he back tracked on his idea when he realised it might become reality when you said let's meet in person. Sounds like he's not actually ready for commitment, at least not with OP.
Versacehottie Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 Why all of you think she appeared disinterested? I think the opposite. I think when she said "lets discuss it in person",he started to really think about this decision, and realized it was not what he really wanted after all, so just changed his mind. That's basically part of what i think. So on the same page as you.
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