OLD Friday night with a beta

[Highndry]

The guy sounds like a major dud.

[Highndry]

Look I'm not going to get Christina Hendricks, so I accept my current "plain Jane" girlfriend is the best I'm going to be able to obtain.

 

 

Right, but we have to be attracted to somebody in order to be with them. There's just no way for it to otherwise work.

[Happy Lemming]

Right, but we have to be attracted to somebody in order to be with them.

 

OP is 44 and she hasn't had that many second dates. This may be "as good as it gets", otherwise she is just going to have to come to the realization that she is going to be alone forever.

 

Is he perfect for her... no way and I doubt he sees her as perfect. At some point, the OP will have to overlook a guy's shortcomings or get a bunch of cats.

[mortensorchid]

I suppose he wasn't a bad guy to begin with, but he wasn't great. And if I am to end things on a positive note with others rather than a negative one, it's a good thing I had a 2nd get together with him. Maybe I am getting warmer after all towards something. Just not with him.

[Versacehottie]

Ok wow, this is getting somewhere^^^ try to remain in this type of headspace

 

I do find it odd that you would reply to the part critiquing the guy but not to the comments directed at you. There are a lot of people who put effort toward you and your dating dilemmas. The least you can do is acknowledge that--again, trying to teach you how to bond with people. From a purely selfish point of view if that's the only way for it to make more sense, is that this should help you in your dating to get to a more successful place--is learning how to bond here with people who take time for you--that's a real life skill that you can take into the world with you.

 

Ok I agree with H. Lemming. Basically you get what you can pull. It's pure economics on a basic level. We are talking about first date or two so your 'level' is typically going to be based on looks and personality as these are just people's initial thoughts and excitement on a base level about the person. I think it's not 100% accurate to only call the guy in this case "boring" IMO. I know people that can connect with a person EVEN THOUGH they find them dull or boring. I haven't seen any evidence that either side was particularly exciting.

 

I do think it's great if morten is truly adopting the mentality she mentions in the most recent post though

[greymatter]

 

Look I'm not going to get Christina Hendricks, so I accept my current "plain Jane" girlfriend is the best I'm going to be able to obtain. And I'm OK with that.

 

HL, we often talk about being alone vs. settling in threads here and specifically in this thread, the idea of who we can attract. I always have concerns about the idea of settling which made me wonder, do you love your girlfriend or “just” like her? I’m not calling you out at all, just sincerely wondering.

[Happy Lemming]

...do you love your girlfriend or “just” like her?

 

I haven't been "in love" since my youth (many, many years ago), that doesn't mean I don't care about my girlfriend. I do.

 

And she doesn't love me, as she has told me as such. I do believe she genuinely cares about me, though.

 

Does that mean we should break up and go our separate ways in search of our "unicorns", no. We like each other, like doing things together and very much enjoy each other's company.

 

After many years of horrible dating, my girlfriend "settled" for me. For the most part, we've had 7.5 years of fun dating. Would she have liked to have spent that time with a "better" guy?? Yes, but I'm the best she could get.

 

Would I have liked to have found a "low maintenance" hottie?? Sure, but I was tired of the higher maintenance women, it wears you down (at least, me). So I picked a "low maintenance, plain Jane" and she picked a grizzled old rodent. And that is where we are... settling and happy.

 

----------------------------------

 

It appears that the OP has made her decision to "throw this one back" ("Just not with him.")... I do hope she finds what she is looking for, but I think we are going to see a lot more "one and done" threads. I'm pulling for you "mortensorchid" although I think you cut this one loose a little prematurely.

[FMW]

mortensorchid, I loved your post #235. This is exactly how you should be looking at things.

 

As to the discussion by other posters about settling or "as good as you can get", I don't really see things that way. I don't get the impression you are looking for George Clooney or Mr. Perfect, just someone that you can feel interested in and have easy flowing interesting conversations.

 

That's exactly what I'm looking for, and I don't have any intention of settling. My ideal guy isn't going to be perfect or rich or super handsome, but he'll be someone I connect with and feel excitement about. I've felt that before with someone who was an average guy, average looks, average income. Settling had nothing to do with it - I just really clicked with him.

 

I said all that to say you don't have to settle. I just think you need to not have such hard and fast rules that you don't give anyone a chance. This situation with the museum date shows that you ARE changing that and becoming more willing to lighten up on the strict rules for getting the dates in the first place, so that's great.

[Happy Lemming]

I just think you need to not have such hard and fast rules that you don't give anyone a chance.

 

What hard and fast rule is the OP implementing that is causing 99% of the guys not to call her for a second date??

 

Its not like she is choosing not to accept a second date with any of the past guys, they aren't contacting her for a second date. She has even tried to initiate contact by texting -- after the first date (like the DJ) and the guy still wasn't interested in asking her out for a second date.

 

After countless threads of a "one and done" nature, she finally had someone who called, showed up and went on a second date with her. I'm not saying this is HUGE progress, but it was a "baby step" in the right direction, but the point is moot as she has decided not go on any more dates with him.

[frigginlost]

My God...

 

This is the most depressing thread I've ever read. Is this what the dating world has come to? It seems the "I'm not going to settle" battle cry is alive and well.

 

No wonder some of you are single.

 

Get used to it.

 

Your red flags to decent men can be seen a mile away...

 

Any woman -- and I don't care how she looks -- says "I'm single because I'm picky, or I won't settle, etc" gets the "see ya later" from me faster than you can imagine. No woman is worth that headache.

[FMW]

Again, I think part of the issue here is semantics.

 

Not settling unless you can get some uber rich hottie is of course ridiculous.

 

But not settling unless you really feel a connection to someone is a whole other thing.

[Happy Lemming]

But not settling unless you really feel a connection to someone is a whole other thing.

 

She is supposed to feel some wonderful fantastic connection after 2 short dates??

 

I just wish the OP had given it a chance... it may have taken a little time for the guy to open up and relax around her.

 

And yes "frigginlost", you hit the nail on the head.

[Versacehottie]

ohhhhhh the OP has has/had rules and belief system in place that have hurt her dating for sure. I can't recite them but do 100% remember that she has them. Typically when she has broken her rules, she does so really reluctantly, and with a chip on her shoulder, such as a text saying "evening" with a deadpan tone, when that's been the vibe in general. Her belief system is an issue as well in which she has generally negative and impossible to overcome beliefs where a guy is set up to fail and she sees the failure as confirmation that her skewed beliefs are correct--rather than realizing her skewed beliefs played a part in getting her to the stage wherein the date/guy/herself failed a promising relationship, being an attractive potential partner.

 

Post #235 from OP is encouraging. I hope she can stick to that. I feel like "neutral" is good place to be & I would even say that post was hopeful--which is excellent.

 

I will have to find a link but want to link some article that will give scientific proof that being grateful and appreciative will help her all around; might help with her negative thoughts about things in general, including dating.

 

Another reason why #235 is good is because OP, to me, has a thick skin. This is one trait she can take about herself that is a positive and spin it so that it works for her in dating. She just needs to connect the two. Something like: I have a thick skin/am resilient so I can handle a date that wasn't my ideal guy because it brings me closer to the one I want to find. Actually OP might not realize this but she does have a unique advantage with her thick skin if she chooses to view it like this: with a thick skin, it should be theoretically easier to "get back up and try again" because you can handle it--that is effectively what you should be telling yourself, OP. More productive and helpful than concentrating on supposed negative traits and critiques of the men who went on dates with you.

[FMW]

She is supposed to feel some wonderful fantastic connection after 2 short dates??

 

Nope, just at least a glimmer. She confirmed her initial opinion that she finds him dull.

 

I'm sure you felt something at the beginning with your girlfriend, didn't you Happy Lemming, even if you didn't think she was a fascinating super model? Something made you keep asking her out.

 

I think two dates is plenty to decide whether to go forward or not. Just my opinion

[Happy Lemming]

I'm sure you felt something at the beginning with your girlfriend, didn't you Happy Lemming, even if you didn't think she was a fascinating super model?

 

To answer your question... No, not really. She had some of the building blocks that I admire in a woman. (intelligence, ability to carry a conversation, a pulse), but it took time to get to know her.

 

To be honest, I asked her out (past the first two dates) because I wanted to get laid.

[JuneL]

Versace: I’m very curious...in what sense does the OP have think skin?

 

Anyway, I agree she should try much harder to sound more enthusiastic and think positively. But I do see that she’s trying to get out there at least. OP: Are you taking any meds that make you appear gloomy and unenthusiastic by any chance?

[basil67]

She is supposed to feel some wonderful fantastic connection after 2 short dates??

 

If not "wonderful fantastic", at least a connection strong enough to want to see him again and get to know him better. If that's not there, then walk away.

 

That said, it takes two to make a connection.

[Poutrew]

This thread is as amusing to me as much as it is sad... I have run into many, many women who have the 'world revolves around me' attitude, and they eventually go cray cray because no man wants to go near them even for sex - and in a few cases, they look pretty good... but the old saying about beauty being only skin deep but ugly goes to the bone is true, and no smart man is going to trade away his future just for a quick *uck. These women just don't seem to realize that... No one is perfect, and maybe that's why when I think of the OP's future its with her playing the role of Edith Bunker to some guys Archie … (All in the family reference).

[Juha]

To answer your question... No, not really. She had some of the building blocks that I admire in a woman. (intelligence, ability to carry a conversation, a pulse), but it took time to get to know her.

 

To be honest, I asked her out (past the first two dates) because I wanted to get laid.

 

I am glad to hear this works for you but I can't do that.

I would not be into it at all.

[Juha]

Also, seems like many people have very rigid standards without even knowing the person and dismiss them for no good reason..

 

Had this happen to me fairly recently, know a woman who we have that click, she shows it whenever we are interacting. Everyone can see it, I truly adore her also, think she is great!

 

I asked her out couple of times and she gave me lame lukewarm excuses about being busy, etc. Come to find out she rejected me because she has strict age criteria for who she dates. She will only date men within 3 years of her age, she is 38, I am 51.

 

She is always bemoaning to mutual friends of ours about how she can't find a good guy to date, how she keeps getting pumped and dumped, etc.. They have all said there is someone right in front of you that is a great match for you, Juha.

 

She says he is much too old for me. When they run down how well we get along, care about each other, how I am and treat people and thinks I am a great guy to date she will not relent on her 3 year rule.

 

She is not the only person I know with such rigid rules about who they will date. Another case of where people are sabotaging themselves..

 

also her brother keeps asking her how many cats she wants to start with? She gets so mad.. lol

 

MO I wish you luck and hope things turn for you.

[Commongoal123]

I had an OLD tonight, we met on Bumble this week. He asked to meet, and we met at a Panera near me (his location choice). How'd it go? Well ...

 

You sound really judgemental, high maintenance, and in denial. You probably haven't heard from him not bc he's a "beta"; it's probably because he picked up on your high maintenance nature and isn't that into you. Perhaps the same can be said for his reservations in conversation.

 

-Common123

Edited June 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Curiousroxy86]

Also, seems like many people have very rigid standards without even knowing the person and dismiss them for no good reason..

 

I asked her out couple of times and she gave me lame lukewarm excuses about being busy, etc. Come to find out she rejected me because she has strict age criteria for who she dates. She will only date men within 3 years of her age, she is 38, I am 51.

 

are you also open to dating women who are 51 to 81 in conjunction with the ages you have been pursuing?

 

cause some of these "high standards" accusations is looking reaaaaal kettle-ish

[JuneL]

I asked her out couple of times and she gave me lame lukewarm excuses about being busy, etc. Come to find out she rejected me because she has strict age criteria for who she dates. She will only date men within 3 years of her age, she is 38, I am 51.

 

 

 

If she has this 3-year rule, I suspect she would be willing to relax it to 5-6 years if she met a man she really liked. But relaxing it to 13 years would be quite a stretch, unless the guy was unusually charismatic. Would you be willing to consider a 64-yo elderly woman with whom you have somewhat of a connection?

[Art.at.Heart]

OP, I first off want to say nicely done! Dating is a process and starting it is - in my opinion - the hardest part. Add to that trying to curtail some unhealthy habits and it becomes that much more difficult. So kudos to you!

 

Just one word of caution: I'd noticed in your first post that you wanted to see this guy again despite having so many things about the date you weren't exactly thrilled with. The second date (from what you reported) was even worse from the standpoint of your interactions. Oddly enough, you still wanted him to plan something for the next date. Why is that? Was the date actually not that bad or were you hoping to try and mold him into an..."alpha" (I hate the whole alpha/beta dichotomy)?

 

Going forward, I would strongly advise either sorting out for yourself what you want in a significant other or using these dates as your learning process. This guy had a strike from the minute he didn't pay for your coffee the first date, got his second strike moments later when he didn't decide on seating, and then made you feel the burden of leading the conversation. Yet you still wanted to see him again. Either those strikes didn't hold much weight or you're forcing yourself to compromise far too much.

 

All in all, keep putting yourself at there - but go at your own pace. Good luck!

[Versacehottie]

@JuneL so I had a well-worded reply to why I think the OP has thick skin but site glitch and I lost it, so I'll mainly say this: OP keeps coming back here-in spite of a large number of her threads and posts within them being critical of her approach and thinking process. Eventually she does give an idea or two a shot in an effort to open herself up more. I think she does really want a relationship and is just swimming against the tide of what she knows how to do vs what she needs to do.

 

I think she subconsciously (or even semi-consciously) doesn't always give the negative thoughts the entire space in her mind because she does start again and try again, so there is some glimmer of hopefulness inside her, in spite of seeming to need to stay negative or in a venting type mode the majority of the time. So in effect she is part of the way there if she could keep that part up (the trying again part) AND change her approach (probably more significantly than she has thus far). The fact that she tries again with whichever guy and at least hears the feedback on her threads vs getting overly emotional or defensive about feels like she can take a lot (to me). If only she can see this part as a personal attribute in general/advantage in dating and wrap her head around it as a positive, i.e. be thankful that she has the composure to keep trying, can withstanding hearing some not so great things about herself and USE both her attribute and the feedback to her advantage,

 

I was pretty encouraged by her post #235. I think she's a pretty literal person who doesn't always see how to connect events in a way that's most productive for her or the silver lining in things. I think if she learns to take the good or at the very least the lesson from each event in life (here, out dating etc), she will progress faster to get what she wants. Her biggest problem overall is that she fails to make connections with people--as friends, as internet acquaintances, on dates. I think it's been convenient and less hurtful for her to blame whoever she is dating by critiquing them too much without taking much personal responsibility for how the date ended up that way--so this part still needs work. It's a huge puzzle piece that will help her get closer to what she wants.

 

Idk, think of it like an equation, OP. What you put in/bring to the table + what other person puts in/brings to the table = the outcome. You can leverage your chances with WHICHEVER guy by working on and improving what you bring to the table. IMO, you should always bring your best (in playing the dating game) so that you maximize the chance that the outcome CHOICE will be yours. Just in the case of the date she talks about on this thread: had she put in better effort and was able to generate more of a spark with this guy (dud, beta, whoever he is positive or negative) and he was totally into her even if she still felt like he was not for her, the date itself would serve to teach her that she is desirable, as an ego boost and add momentum to her dating life. The purpose of a date is most multi-faceted than she may realize, even if it doesn't end up in this guy becoming her boyfriend. Also she unfortunately like a lot of negative thinkers treats occurrences as if the elements, i.e. the people involved, their reactions, etc are FIXED items. Life is fluid and reactionary, thus her input (good or bad) will always influence the outcome. At the VERY least, a date, any date is an opportunity for her to practice her best--otherwise what will she do when she finally snags a date with mr. right??!??! She will have had no practice giving "good date" and likely mess it up. Ok, much longer than I meant to write lol.