beentheredonethat77 Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 (edited) Hi, I just want to share what a gullible idiot ( i think) I am in the hopes some people can learn from my cautionary tale OR shine some light on this if i am missing something. I recently met an extremely polite, soft spoken, professional-type who sat next to me at a restaurant and came over to introduce himself in the most sweet way. We talked all evening and found we had a huge amount in common, both in finance and both having lived in the same countries abroad. Afterwards we texted all week (although he said he hates texting -- he was so eager to set up dates ), he also made several attempts to call me however i missed his calls. One time he called and texted "I tried to call you because i was thinking about you and had to make sure you weren't a figment of my imagination". Anyway --- suffice to say he was a charmer and seemed smitten (as much as one can be within such a small period of time). He complimented me endlessly in all areas and told me constantly i was the 'full package'. A few weeks later after some lovely dates with great conversations, laughs and light-hearted banter, i end up back at his apartment. We talked about a restaurant we'd go to next date and I had planned to sleep with him that night, so had the best lingerie, everything perfect. Anyway, we had sex and i made sure to be on my best performance:). Well... this is where things went south.. literally.. He lost his erection several times. I made sure it wasnt a big deal, acting like i didn't even notice but stopped the sex and 'took care of him' -- going above and beyond (when he kept losing his erection, and apologizing saying he was tired.. it took a long time), being super patient and making sure he finished a very happy man. When he eventually finished, he said something to the effect of 'oh my god... I am never letting you go.. you are beyond incredible.." .. Or something similar. ,. Fast forward a few minutes and i went to the bathroom (this is relevant, his bathroom was newly renovated) and washed up in the bath really quick, using the hose in the bathtub to clean up quickly so i could get back to him and make sure he knew i had a great time. Anyway, i came out and started the conversation again -- until he went to the bathroom. This is when things got WEIRD> He came outside and said .. "Listen, did you have fake tan on or something as there is make up or something sprayed on the bathtub and some on tiles".. --- I was mortified ... I realized my tan must have washed off and left some brown watery drops on the tiles. Immediately, i said 'oh gosh, let me clean it now" but he said 'not to worry, i'm sorting it.. there's a certain way you need to clean these tiles.. " he seemed to want to clean it. Anyway, i stood in his living room for what seemed like 15 minutes as he walked past me with mops, sprays, buckets -- you name it.. it was like he was cleaning up a crime scene. He seemed VERY annoyed. I stood at the bathroom door and i couldn't see mess, ... i also looked at my body and couldn't even see where the fake tan had come off so it must have been VERY minimal... -- Yet he seemed almost frantic cleaning up the floor and tiles. In the end, i felt so embarrassed, helpless and ignored i said.. "um maybe i should go.." --- He didn't respond... So i said "i guess i'll let you get some sleep, you have a flight tomorrow" (he did) ---I half expected him to snap out of his cleaning frenzy and come over and hug me and say 'oh no dont leave" -- or at least something mildly pleasant. Instead he looked up and said "Well this is a first time, cleaning up after a girl ... Can you work your way out of here, take the right at elevator.. taxis are downstairs". He said "Sorry i cant take you down, i have to take care of some things". I was in shock, it was like a completely different man talking to me.. i couldn't see a mess... and this is a man who had treated me like a queen -- every chair, door, even holding my hand to get out of a car, refusing to let me pay for anything or be inconvenienced for even a minute. My take away from this is: and i'd love some male views if this sounds right -- He just wanted to get laid, once he did.. he wanted me the hell out of his apartment and found a good reason (fake tan mess?) to seem distracted so i'd leave.. OR.. He has severe OCD and was extremely anxious that i left fake tan droplets on his tiles and couldn't scrub them enough (possibly a metaphor for feeling dirty after sex too lol). So perplexed... He has also been extremely cold since. Not even messaging to see i got home safely. Oh well.. didn't have a lot invested (and the sex wasn't great anyway) but certainly didn't expect this outcome!. Edited June 7, 2019 by beentheredonethat77
TooBad Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 I don't see any reason to assume he just wanted to get laid. I do see reasons to assume he has issues though. And those might simply overshadow everything else.
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 I see OCD or at least fastidiousness. I don't see just wanting to get laid. 1
Author beentheredonethat77 Posted June 7, 2019 Author Posted June 7, 2019 I see OCD or at least fastidiousness. I don't see just wanting to get laid. I hear you but what i dont understand is why so cold since. He was annoyed at me in his apartment for what was an innocent oversight, im always very considerate so this was clearly my just missing it. He has barely given me the time of day since (and was quite rude / short / cold.. on the night itself before i left) --- So i figured now he's got the sex, he doesn't need to pursue me any more. Surely he cant still be mad about my fake tan water droplets on bathroom floor...
Gretchen12 Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 Definitely psychological issues. Maybe he had been abused as a child. The fake-tan-on-tiles probably symbolized something else for him.
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 Oh no, yes he can be mad at you for that. (Doesn't make it sane or normal but it's what he's feeling) True OCD / fastidious people . .. . OMG, to him you committed the ultimate sin. He feels like you disrespected him & violated the sanctity of his whole house. Between that extreme reaction, his ED & his rude behavior, you dodged a bullet. Let it go. 3
lurker74 Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 Yowza. ED aside, that sounds truly horrible. To put it in perspective, during my last long-term relationship, our first getaway weekend at my cottage, which was after having sex twice, she got a stomach flu and basically spent half the weekend pooping in my bathroom. It didn't make me one bit less attracted to her (well, later...at the time, I was polite and laughed it off but it certainly put a big damper on that particular weekend!). If he is that OCD, you'd just as likely end up in a chalk outline as in a wedding dress (if that is what you are looking for).
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 Wow, this all sounds so similar to an experience I had once only mine wasn't a spray tan that set him off, it was putting a drink on his coffee table without a coaster. Like a fool, I kept dating him thinking it was a one-off. It wasn't. The "honeymoon" phases can be addicting with this type of man but trust me, the rest of their behavior with the OCD and pickiness and ED issues get old VERY quickly. It can start to feel like an emotionally abusive relationship and no one enjoys that. You dodged a bullet. No doubt about it. 3
Orokotikki Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 All the above possible, but to me Occam's razor suggests he was cheating and wanting to hide signs of your presence. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 Orokotikki, that's what I was thinking too -- evidence elimination. 1
gaius Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 It's the ED thing. He just used the tan as an excuse to be openly angry with you. A lot of ED losers like to blame the woman for their inadequacy, when in reality they're just inadequate. 4
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 I didn't think cheating at all. But I rarely think that way. He could have cleaned up the evidence after she left. It didn't have to be done that minute. His extreme over reaction & insistency on immediate scouring made me think mental issues. I suppose another possibility could have been that he was house sitting & was not allowed to have guests but he used the place to impress you. 3
chillii Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 There's nothing wrong with him just nervous some women get the same thing until they relax and feel comfortable could take weeks if she's an anxiety type, or something turned him off, but he sure is with the bath/r. thing Also wondering if he has someone, married or something. Anyway sorry but l think he's def' done.
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 No this guy is a wing nut.....I agree you dodged a bullet for sure. The ED is a symptom of his OCD/anxiety issues. 1
lurker74 Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 It's the ED thing. He just used the tan as an excuse to be openly angry with you. A lot of ED losers like to blame the woman for their inadequacy, when in reality they're just inadequate. Man hater much? I have had the rare issue where things aren't "up" to snuff but if you think that a man having those issues makes them "inadequate" or a "loser," you are casting a pretty wide net since well above 50% of men over the age of 40 experience various levels of ED. That doesn't mean he wasn't angry or depressed about it. And it doesn't mean he's not a loser, but calling someone a loser for a physiological reason seems a bit of a projection.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 who knows Op he could be an ocd jerk he could be not that into you from the beginning and his romance was a facade he could have been very into you, didnt enjoy the sex, and used the tan incident as an excuse he could be just a jerk and not ocd he could be all of those things reasons we wont ever know here and it doesnt even matter the why doesnt matter as much at all all that matters is that he revealed himself to be somebody you dont want anyway men reveal if they are going to be right or wrong for you over time so date, have fun, be in the moment, pay attention to red flags, and if he shows any deal breaking red flags you just get out of there. dont question it. dont obsess over it. its just not meant to be I mean if your looking for any take-aways I believe its wise to just reserve sex for a guy who is your boyfriend and of course qualify a guy your dating to see if he would even make a good boyfriend first. but other then that not much else can be done about the situation. 2
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 My friend briefly dated a guy that turned craycray on her too. The guy was compulsively late, didn't think it was a big deal, like his time was more important, and when she confronted him about it, he went nuts on her saying she was selfish, inconsiderate.....later he sent message after message apologizing....then when she wouldn't respond, he turned evil again, caller the c word, etc. She dodged a huge bullet too. 2
alphamale Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 My friend briefly dated a guy that turned craycray on her too. The guy was compulsively late, didn't think it was a big deal, like his time was more important, and when she confronted him about it, he went nuts on her saying she was selfish, inconsiderate.....later he sent message after message apologizing....then when she wouldn't respond, he turned evil again, caller the c word, etc. She dodged a huge bullet too. lots of psychos out there smackie, both men and women 2
elaine567 Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 First thought OCD, but his bathroom is newly renovated at probably vast expense, so I guess he was frantic envisioning spray tan "developing" into huge brown permanent splodges all over his bathroom. I guess he probably changed the bed linen and investigated thoroughly for hand and footprints and checked out the sofa... etc. too. I guess he doesn't really want you back...
Author beentheredonethat77 Posted June 7, 2019 Author Posted June 7, 2019 Thanks team ---Some brilliant input here. I should add that when i arrived at his apartment, he pulled out slippers and asked me to remove my shoes... i thought this was odd as my place has nicer flooring than his and i didn't request the same from him.. but it does speak to his OCD. I did find the ED curious too.. Major bullet dodged.. as awful as i felt doing the walk of shame out of his building.. i was glad i had experienced it so early in the relationship so that i could avoid investing emotionally further. 2
Author beentheredonethat77 Posted June 7, 2019 Author Posted June 7, 2019 No this guy is a wing nut.....I agree you dodged a bullet for sure. The ED is a symptom of his OCD/anxiety issues. This is exactly what i had wondered if the ED was all part of same package. I had also wondered if his embarrassment over the ED sort of fed into his ocd too.. ie trying to over-control 1
preraph Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 Was his whole place very neat and clean? I'm saying he's obsessive compulsive, a germophobe probably. Could be he even thinks sex is dirty and that's why he can't keep it up. I'm going with germs. Run. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 (edited) i would add to curiousroxy's very good list that maybe: he was so mad at himself for the ED episode and has a tendency to be very clean and obsessed with his new stuff, i.e. the bathroom. I can see how that would cause someone to get overly frustrated and not handle himself well about the fake tan. I do think while maybe some things can be resolved without having to qualify him as this awful person, you probably got exposed to a part of his personality (i.e. rigidness about order etc) that wouldn't have been exposed for quite a while if your dating adventures had gone better. You mentioned he treated you like a perfect gentlemen (not that wording but you know)--I'm guessing he likes to have and do everything perfect, puts unnecessarily pressure on himself (hence ED episode) and those around him. You sound like you're normal and more free so i think it could have been an incompatibility thing that would have come up eventually. In a way, as awkward as it may have been, aren't you glad it came up (well not literally lol) so soon? I think he would have been able to contain himself and been on his best trying to be your bf behavior if the fake tan part hadn't immediately followed his inability to perform---even though it would have been killing him and he'd be in an internal panic. Hmmm wonder how the rest of this story will play out? Edited June 7, 2019 by Versacehottie 3
mark clemson Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 By the way, nothing you posted suggests (to me at least) that you're gullible or an idiot. You tried this guy out, he showed his (major) flaws, and you moved on. Nothing to beat yourself up over here, IMO... just move on. 4
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