BaileyB Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 (edited) He might have depression and also ED. I totally agree that it is likely a multifacotral problem. As to his desire to see a doctor, many men with/without ED avoid the doctor at all cost... particularly if he has an associated depression. His reluctance to visit the doctor or see a counselor do not surprise me... I just wonder if his opinion may be different if he knew his marriage was an the line... Edited June 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 Yea Bailey I get that but she’s a healthcare professional and his wife. I think she could be more convincing than most everyone else would be. I hear you. But, if you follow the wisdom of health behavior change, the answer would still be no. True change has to come from within... Ps. That should say reluctance... autocorrect is a wonderful thing.
alphamale Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 The boys are 17 and 15 now...so that age is approaching soon... oh! so you're already set. couple more years, hang in there
Author Shavone39 Posted June 7, 2019 Author Posted June 7, 2019 (edited) I think for most people LTR love is different from first-few-years love. But it sounds like you've got NO love, which is different......... Much of what you are saying makes perfect sense. I have begged and pleaded for him to see a provider...and it very well may be that he is embarrassed. I get that part but when your marriage is on the line...you need to get over that. As far as having an affair, the thoughts have played in my head but i also know what comes with that. Im already suffering emtionally....i dont need to add more fuel to the fire. Edited June 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author Shavone39 Posted June 7, 2019 Author Posted June 7, 2019 He might have depression and also ED. Maybe his heart problems and the solution, one or the other or both, made him where he can't have sex anymore. I used to hear men decades ago complain about high blood pressure medicine affecting them. -- But surely he is smart enough to go revisit his doctor and tell the doctor and see what is going on or try Viagra or something if that is the case. Can you tell if he ever gets an erection? He has been given a clean bill of health from his Cardiogist within the last year. She has even taken him off most of his meds. I begged him to discuss this issue with the Cardiologist but i highly doubt he ever did. He will NEVER take Viagra...trust me i asked. And sadly he doesnt even come that close enough to me anymore for me to tell if he gets an erection...even when i try to hug him...it feels like im hugging a friend rather than my should be lover.
Author Shavone39 Posted June 7, 2019 Author Posted June 7, 2019 Maybe you just need to be more assertive with him if he’s not into giving you answers as to why. Tell him you’re making an appointment to have labs taken because if he can’t explain it then something else might be going on. It’s probably embarrassing for him if it is indeed low T that’s causing all of this. Some men equate that to being a man so he may be as bummed about it as you are but just doesn’t want to talk about it. Yeah but it gets to the point where avoiding it is causing stress on the relationship. I feel like with him im beating a dead horse. Im just glad that im able to get some insights to my issues. I feel like i talk to myself about it more than anything. Thank you so much for your kindness and guidance. I feels good to be heard. 2
heartwhole2 Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 We just simply can't know what's behind this . . . low T, sexual dysfunction, depression, him having an affair, I don't know. You can't guarantee that you will never get sick when you get married. I have gotten sick since we got married, and I'm not capable of all the same things I used to be. But that said, I would never expect my husband to go without sex or intimacy or physical affection. If I couldn't perform physically, we could still find ways to be close in a sexual way. I remember Christopher Reeves' wife saying that they still had a meaningful sex life after he became a quadriplegic. He is refusing to have an open and honest conversation with you about what is going on, so how can you find a solution that suits you both when he won't admit there is a problem? And he can he be so heartless as to think that no physical contact wouldn't be a problem for you? I think you are completely within your right to ask for a divorce. He's a good father, and he'll continue to be one after you divorce. But he can't reasonably expect you to remain in this marriage when he can't provide empathy and honesty, let alone physical affection. You can't make him change. You can only determine your boundaries and expectations. Expecting honesty and physical affection, even if it can no longer be traditional intercourse, is not too much to ask. I think it's too much to ask for him to expect you to accept this. It's not that I don't feel for him and whatever problems he is having, but a marriage needs to be based on more than pity. 2
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 He is refusing to have an open and honest conversation with you about what is going on, so how can you find a solution that suits you both when he won't admit there is a problem? And he can he be so heartless as to think that no physical contact wouldn't be a problem for you? I feel like Shavone should meet Rotaglia.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 7, 2019 Posted June 7, 2019 H ...but things started changing. The once very affectionate very passionate husband i once had became very isolated and standoffish. He would snap at our boys for the smallest things, spent a lot of time in the basement or living room watching tv, and worked. He stopped paying attention to me, stopped showing me any type of affection, he even stopped wanting to have sex with me. If the change was as sudden as you've described, must be related to his medical condition. Which also means, if he won't see a doctor to treat this specific issue, improvement isn't possible. Shavone39, this makes your choices pretty clear cut - accept the status quo and focus on the other good parts of your marriage. Or prepare to leave for the opportunity of a single life. Working with a therapist might help clarify your path forward. No wrong choice here, just different possibilities... Mr. Lucky 1
Destiny Couple Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Sorry to hear of all your troubles. It seems like there is disengagement, physically, emotionally, and so forth and you two are not hitting the right notes together. It seems he is not taking taking responsibility for what he is feeling and self denial is a big part of it. it may be hard trying to break through all the walls he has put up, I am sure you have tried to talk to him about it. What I would suggest is to try and talk it through together, build that communication and open up to raise what the underlying issues are and work through them, get that balance back and friendship and plan some goals together. Have you tried some couple's work?
schlumpy Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 It seems like most of your options have been covered. Weather the storm and pray for the best, give an ultimatum and hope for the best or work on yourself with a therapist. How about a game night with him and the kids? Board games offer all kinds of opportunity to interact. There's my favorite "Clue" because I love trying to use logic and then there is my wife's favorite "Sorry" where she derives immense satisfaction wiping my little peg men off the board and back to home. There are many others including Yahtzee. Add some snacks, favorite drinks and put on some music that you two used to listen to when you were dating. I know it might sound silly to many people but it might just open up a channel through which you can reach him. Good luck and God Bless 1
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