whatwhit Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 I met this guy recently off of Tinder. We hit it off pretty instantly. I was really guarded. And he was pursuing me hard really want to date. He effort and being around him a lot really started to get me to really like him, and he was about to ask me to be his girlfriend about 2 weeks in. Which I know is probably too early. I felt comfortable with it if he had asked just because we were hanging out almost everyday and I hate being on the dating apps anyways. He is freshly divorce. He said it’s been over for 6 months she officallly moved out on Jan. And they just signed papers and won’t be officially divorced for 60 days. They were together for 8 years. The day he was going to ask he told me he had concerns because we have different religious beliefs. I told him I’ve never pushed my views on anyone it’s usually the other way around. But I got frustrated with him because I brought this topic up in a non threatening safe conversation way and he did not. I told him it’s going to change the dynamic and it did. Things got kind of weird after that. That weekend we hung out, we had both deleted our tinder profiles at this point. I hate a gut feeling he had redownloaded the app. I downloaded it and yep came upon his profile. He uploaded photos that I took of him over the weekend. As you can imagine I was pretty livid. We talked and I agree with him 2 weeks is too early to commit, and he said that he really likes me. He can see a future with me. But the thought of getting out of a marriage and then hopping back into something serious. The thought of not getting the satisfaction of seeing other like his photos and want to talk to him. He’s not ready to give that up. Could you guys wait for something like this? I’m not making excuses for him. 2 weeks is early to commit. A lot of the feeling I have are towards ego. He’s 29 and I’m 31
Gaeta Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 Don't date recently seperated/divorced men. When we seperate we all need to play the field and seewhat's out there. Set him free to figure himself out. Do not wait, we rarely rarely settle with our rebound. You know better than this. Move on. 2
elaine567 Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 If you want to be in relationship, this man is a complete waste of your time. 1. his wife only left in January 2. he is not divorced yet 3. he doesn't want to get into anything serious 4. your religious beliefs clash 5. He NEEDS to play the field and find himself again. 6. At best you would be the rebound. Do NOT bother "waiting" for one second... 3
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 Keep it casual for several MONTHS after the ink is dry on his divorce. See him when it's convenient & fun, when you have nothing else going on but expect nothing from him other then the few hours he devotes to you on any particular date. Guard your heart & date others along the way.
JuneL Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 I have trouble understanding if you were exclusive when you saw him on Tinder again. What did you mean by “he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend”? Did he ask or not? If you just wanted to have some casual fun like he does, then I see no harm in dating him. Otherwise, I’d stay away from him. It’s a well-known fact that newly divorced guys like to play the field to get that out of their system. 2
Flame Aura Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 Completely agree with all of the above. He might be a good match for you, but it is the wrong time. His priority right now will be to get attention from as many women as possible, to help him get over his divorce. He has basically told you as much as well. Do not 'wait' for him. Stop talking to him, let him do him, you do you, and if in 1 year or so you are both still single then sure connect again and see what the situation is.
elaine567 Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 Even waiting a year may be pushing it. Eight year relationship/marriage is a big thing to get over fully. The OP doesn't want to be the woman he uses to get over his marriage.
smackie9 Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 When it doesn't feel right, then it's not. He's doing what everyone else is doing....keeping their options open. It's pretty obvious he's pussy footing around the subject to make sure you don't dump him. Well you know now what's going on, so it's time to move on. Remember when they say they are looking for something serious, it usually means it's not with you. This guy is blowing smoke up yer a$$. 2
stillafool Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 Given that he was only 23 when he married and just recently divorced he is not relationship material. You are correct that he is going to want to check out the other girls who are interested in him and to be honest he should before getting back into a serious relationship. He isn't a good candidate for a bf at this point and if you go with it you will more than likely get hurt. 2
stillafool Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 I have trouble understanding if you were exclusive when you saw him on Tinder again. What did you mean by “he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend”? Did he ask or not? If you just wanted to have some casual fun like he does, then I see no harm in dating him. Otherwise, I’d stay away from him. It’s a well-known fact that newly divorced guys like to play the field to get that out of their system. Yes OP, what happened with him asking you to be his gf? What was his response when you told him you saw that his profile was back on Tinder?
Author whatwhit Posted May 31, 2019 Author Posted May 31, 2019 When he told me our religious difference were a concern. He said he could try to think more spiritual. But was like what if after I explored I still don’t believe? He thinks that I’m going to have an issue with it later down the road. Sooo due to the intensity of that conversation I wasn’t asked. And we almost ended it then. But talked things over and fixed it. But that was the turning point in everything.
PRW Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 ...he was pursuing me hard really want to date.That is not good at all. You are much better off with a guy who makes you wonder if he is interested in the first place. You want the intensity to always start out low and then grow. He effort and being around him a lot really started to get me to really like him,This usually creates the opposite effect when they pursue strongly. This could mean you are wanting it a little too much yourself. The day he was going to ask he told me he had concerns because we have different religious beliefs. I told him I’ve never pushed my views on anyone it’s usually the other way around.You are better off to be with an atheist than someone with "different" religious beliefs. An atheist will often just leave you alone about yours since it is "no skin off their nose" and to them it doesn't mean anything anyway. But if the beliefs clash between two who actually believe in something, it will become a war. Literally, nations in the past have tried to wipe each other out over religious differences. I'm not an atheist, but am not revealing my religious position here,... I am just trying to present the logic to think about. On your side of it, if you don't "push" your religious beliefs off on people you care about then how important are they? If you believed they were true then would it not be imperative that those close to you accept them as well? So what that means, is that logically you should seek someone who has compatible beliefs. So the guy has the correct concerns to be worried about.
Kelliousme Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 Doesn't matter if 2 weeks is too early. This man lied to you. HE asked you to be his girlfriend. You guys met up and both decided to delete the app. He went behind your back and redownloaded the app to talk to other girls. So NOW, after getting caught red handed, he's saying he's not ready yet. PFFT. If I were you I'd kick this guy to the curb. 1
kendahke Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 At best, this is a rebound relationship for him. He's not ready for you or a new full on relationship. He's not even done cleaning up the mess of his failed marriage. Emotionally, he's not down for being anyone's man right now, so you need to back up off him and take your expectations with you. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 The whole spirituality thing was just too serious too soon. he needs to sow some wild oats before he can be BF material. You can be generally around but do not have expectations or give him your heart. Dating is harder then people realize. Read some more threads on here if you want evidence of brutal it can be. he may come back but you can't count on that. You have to assume he will never be ready to have a relationship with you. Me I'd check in every so often, never more then once per month & maybe send him a Holiday card in December to see where his head's at. All of that would be contingent upon me not finding a better more suitable partner who was on the same page as me now. But he could be an OK backup plan, maybe, if you are willing to play a long game. Understand that if his dream girl waltzes into his life, he could marry her quickly. You can't bank on him.
alphamale Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 If you want to be in relationship, this man is a complete waste of your time. 1. his wife only left in January 2. he is not divorced yet 3. he doesn't want to get into anything serious 4. your religious beliefs clash 5. He NEEDS to play the field and find himself again. 6. At best you would be the rebound. Do NOT bother "waiting" for one second... I would tend to agree with all of the above
DKT3 Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 I can't speak for all men, but I was worthless to any woman looking for more then sex when I was in his position.
JuneL Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 I can't speak for all men, but I was worthless to any woman looking for more then sex when I was in his position. How long did this period last for you?
DKT3 Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 Maybe a year. I then started dating my ex wifes doppelganger....oh man.
JuneL Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 Maybe a year. I then started dating my ex wifes doppelganger....oh man. A year after you’re separated, not a year after your divorce was finalized?
Lotsgoingon Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 Separation means NOTHING. Zero. Zip. There are separated couples that have sex--without changing their minds in the slightest about the divorce. But even without that extreme, people are not officially free, not legally free, until the divorce papers come. And there is a world of difference between separated heading for the divorce and getting the official divorce decree. Bottom line: it's really best to avoid people who are merely separated. Even after divorce, people are a mess. Depends on the circumstances, some people might be ready a year after the divorce. This guy is not divorced. He's not close to being ready to date anyone. The night he talked about dating with you, trust me, he went home and his entire being screamed at him, screamed him out of a sleep and said WTF?! Dating someone soon after a divorce ... you're likely to be a rebound partner. People need time to really sort out the divorce (including their part), sort out all the red flags they missed in marrying the person ... and just time to heal from the grief of the loss. Divorce, even when you want it, is a loss. People aren't divorced and then magically ready to date. 1
alphamale Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 Separation means NOTHING. Zero. Zip.. so true Lgo...except if the separation is legal and filed with the court
chillii Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 (edited) Maybe a year. I then started dating my ex wifes doppelganger....oh man. Only a year, or was that after divorce and all being separated earlier for a few years too , or? Or maybe you weren't married long. How the hell did you even manage to find your ex's doppleganger anyway ? l couldn't find that even if l did want to try, my woman could not be more different from ex w., she's not even from the same country. Anyway , for me l needed at least 3 1/2yrs from when we first actually separated,we were together 20yrs. Just a note for op , yeah he does sound reboundish, don't think you can trust much of whatever he says he's feeling right now , he probably doesn't even know himself truthfully . Edited May 31, 2019 by chillii 1
Author whatwhit Posted June 6, 2019 Author Posted June 6, 2019 Some of you guys saw my last post. Met a guy who is recently divorce. It ended fast as it did when it began. He told me that he wasn't ready for serious. Last night when I went over. I asked if he had been dating, met, or matched with anyone he told me no. I made him a really nice dinner . . didn't even get a thank you. This morning when his alarm went off I turned over to turn it off. Only to see a text message from this girl that read "good morning handsome". Asked him who it was, he accused me of going through his phone which I didn't I was just turning off the alarm and he was like a girl. I asked why he lied he stated that I don't want to know stuff like that. Mentioned they haven't met up. And that ladies and gentleman was the final straw for me. He went back to sleep, and I left I didn't even say bye. I hope he realizes that he lost something good. I treated him pretty well. Listen to him, didn't judge him when he mentioned he has anxiety and depression. I suffer from anxiety as well. Did everything for him. Men, when you get caught in a lie. What is your initial reaction. Do you ever regret it? I've always wondered. Cause this has happened to me multiple of times.
smackie9 Posted June 6, 2019 Posted June 6, 2019 Most of the time, if it was a long term relationship, and a lot had been invested by both parties there would be regret, but when it's just dating someone, no there is no regret because they are not emotionally invested. The guys yo have been dating were not emotionally invested....ALSO sex and cooking is not currency that buys you a relationship or loyalty. 3
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