Pepsi38 Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 Hello. I'm at a loss and really need advice. I've been seeing someone for 4 months (him 37m me 38f), and we live 90 minutes apart plus he works funny shifts so we only see each other once a week, sometimes once every 2 weeks, and it's always over a weekend. We had a bump early on where we both misunderstood interest levels but managed to sort that out and everything was good again. A few weeks ago I felt he was pulling away and so I did the same after he cancelled a date. I was fine about it but stopped initiating contact - all of a sudden he told me he sees a future, would be really sad if I met someone else and wanted to know that the intention was one of us would move if things went well down the line. I agreed with this. We have both expressed that we are not seeing other people although I think he was at the beginning. After this conversation I felt great about things and thought we were moving in the right direction. However, sometimes our communication needs don't match up and I find him flakey with replying etc. I struggle with this as I need to maintain the communication between seeing him as it's not as much as I'd like. Yesterday we had a blow up because I got annoyed that he ignored yet another message from me - he got angry back and said something along the lines of us not even really being together so I shouldn't be acting like this. Ie, I'm not his girlfriend so I don't have the right to call him out on things. We sorted it out and are still planning to meet up this weekend but I've been sat thinking about this comment all day. I don't know if it was just said in the heat of the moment but my thought right now is that if he doesn't see me as his girlfriend after 4 months, will he ever? I don't know whether to see him this weekend and not mention it, see him and ask him or to just end it and save myself possible heartbreak in the future as I really like him. What would you do in this situation? Any opinions will help, thank you.
clia Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 Personally, I would end it. You live 90 minutes apart, can only see each other once every week or two, and are already having communication problems. It just doesn't seem promising. And no, four months is not too early to ask for a commitment. 3
Mrin Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 A few thoughts for you: 1. No, 4 months is not too early to be having The Talk. You're totally find with wanting commitment from him at this point. 2. I think this weekend is a great time to have The Talk. You should go into it knowing exactly what you'll accept and what you won't. 3. Obviously you have different communication styles and preferences. It is unfair to expect him to raise his level (and type - it doesn't sound like he's a texter) to your levels. Nor is it fair to expect you to go without. This is either something you guys can compromise on (maybe ditch the texts and have a good call each day going to work or coming home from work) or don't. Communication style seems trivial on its surface. I can see why he went all "WTF woman!?!? It is only a text" on you. I've been guilty of that too I'm embarrassed to say. But, it is actually critically important for a healthy relationship. Just like sexual compatibility. You either figure out how to make it work or you don't. The thing is, you have to address it, realize you're probably not going to get everything that you want, and move on. It doesn't just magically get better. Ok good luck! Mrin 1
darkmoon Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 "I got annoyed" so next time say what you need to say without annoyance in your voice, stop any quarreling 1
Author Pepsi38 Posted June 5, 2019 Author Posted June 5, 2019 Thank you. I am more than happy to compromise but I do feel that we talk less than we used to but this might just be due to natural progression of things. It seems like he responds well when I'm making an effort but I find it a bit one sided at times, almost as if he knows I'm always there and can't be bothered. If I stop initiating contact he sees that as me not making effort and pulls away (I gathered this during our argument).
Author Pepsi38 Posted June 5, 2019 Author Posted June 5, 2019 "I got annoyed" so next time say what you need to say without annoyance in your voice, stop any quarreling It was over text and I didn't say anything harsh, I think it was just the fact I was confronting him about it that he didn't like.
alphamale Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 you should probably wait another 2 or 3 months to see how things pan out
Author Pepsi38 Posted June 5, 2019 Author Posted June 5, 2019 And just to add, I only confronted him because he sent me a 'hello?' because I hadn't contacted him all day - the reason why was because he ignored my last text the day before. I know this sounds ridiculous, but the comment about us not being together has stuck in my head.
elaine567 Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 That comment should stick in your head as that is how he views you. My guess is he has you on the back burner, hence his disinterest. We went through all this about a month ago, nothing seems to have changed. He's the same luke warm guy that you are trying in vain to heat up...
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 4 months? For me it's 4 dates and either we are super-into each other or I move on. I have no patience for lukewarm developments. 2
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 You cannot sustain a relationship on text. Set a specific time at night for a video chat, doesn't need to be long it's just to touch base and forget about random texting. Give it a couple of weeks to see if he gives you a better vibe of togetherness.
Flame Aura Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 4 months is not too early, if anything it's a pretty long time to not be official. When you see him on the weekend talk to him about how you feel.
preraph Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 Why would you want to commit to this unreliable guy? 1
alphamale Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 4 months? For me it's 4 dates and either we are super-into each other or I move on. I have no patience for lukewarm developments. sometimes chemistry take time ES
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 First, as already stated, 4 months is not to early to ask for a commitment in most normal cases. Second, agreed that texting is a horrible form of communication so if you're having to hash something out, it's best to do it over the phone or in person. Third, he seems to be wavering a bit and giving mixed signals and you want and need a certain level of 'commitment' if only in terms of staying connected. There is some miscommunication taking place which is causing some issues that will only get worse if not addressed. You're both closing in to your 40's which means you're both full grown adults so having a candid and honest conversation (in person) about what you're doing and where it's heading should be had sooner rather than later. Good luck.
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 sometimes chemistry take time ES Maybe for some but for most us, after a certain age, don't need a lot of time to determine chemistry. 2
Iris The Butterfly Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 (edited) I agree, by 4 months it's far too LONG to be seeing someone and not want a commitment. That goes for either side. Someone else asked a very good question- why would YOU want to commit to an unreliable guy? In my experience, if you meet someone you really like after several dates, you know whether or not you want to pursue something and be exclusive/official/commit. Yes, it takes some time like a month or two, or three to be sure and all in. But you want that conversation to be something that happens early on. If you as a woman feel the need to ask for it, it shows that his interest isn't very high and he's content on keeping it the way it is. Men who want to commit to a relationship make it very well known early on... in my experience no longer than 3 months tops. I think reasonable people know this... men included. I wouldn't bring it up. I would keep him on the back burner and date other men, or just cut it off with him completely. He's had plenty of time to get to know you and date you to know. The fact that he hasn't moved it forward and asked YOU for a commitment is your answer. Case in point: I dated someone last year for about 3 months and he suddenly said he's not looking for a girlfriend right now. I continued to see him for a month or so more, but I knew the relationship would never progress since he had not made it clear that he wanted a relationship with me. He disappeared after 5 months. Why? Because he didn't want to commit to a relationship and he knew continuing to see me would be dishonest and unfair to me knowing I wanted a commitment because I said I am looking for something more. My bf now met me and within the first month of dating he made it clear he wasn't interested in anyone else and deleted his dating profile. I was slow to warm up to the idea, but wasn't seeing anyone else. I told him I wanted to get to know him better and am really enjoying our time together, but I need some more time. By the end of 2 months or so, he asked ME to be exclusive/official... he made the conversation happen... he made it clear he wanted my commitment to him. I never had to ask, or bring it up. I spent the first couple months observing his efforts, which were significant, and when I was sure myself, all I had to do when he asked was say 'yes'. And that was it. That happened almost 3 months after our first date. It should be that easy. Note: he said he dated a girl before me who asked him to be exclusive. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I think there's really something to be said for the pursuit. Men like to be the ones to 'get' the girl, win her over, make her believe no one else could treat her better, they like to be the top contender and be the one who wins her heart. I think as a woman having to 'ask' for a commitment shows a lower level of interest and effort on the man's part. If you don't want to casually date, I would advise the above. Edited June 5, 2019 by littlebridge
Lotsgoingon Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 Beware guys who are flakey and then out of the blue send you messages about moving forward with the relationship. I used to do that ... a total sign that I was in my head ... not really in touch with my feelings ... and I would talk myself (for a hot 5 minutes) into thinking I should move forward with some woman. Looking back, what was going on was that the woman in question was someone I really liked but was not feeling serious chemistry with. So I'd try to talk myself into deeper commitment. Did not work one time. You want a relationship where there is continuity ... and the discussion to commit further/move near each other ... is a logical, predictable step based on what is going on in the relationship. Based on what you say, this proposal to live near each other and so on ... is NOT a natural next step for you guys. This guy doesn't the basics down yet on how to treat you and talk to you. Ignore his serious proposal. Pay attention to how he treats you day to day. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 (edited) Hello. I'm at a loss and really need advice. I've been seeing someone for 4 months (him 37m me 38f), and we live 90 minutes apart plus he works funny shifts so we only see each other once a week, sometimes once every 2 weeks, and it's always over a weekend. We had a bump early on where we both misunderstood interest levels but managed to sort that out and everything was good again. <SNIP> In this situation, I would leave. Granted this only because I experienced something similar and that was a waste of time. I dated a guy I met online long distance and put up w/his cold attitude for 6 months (way too long). We did meet in person and I agreed to be exclusive w/him. He ignored my messages. I know he ignored them because his phone was always w/him and he was constantly messaging friends. I talked to him many times about being better about messaging (he could go an entire day w/out messaging me). He didn't have a job or go to school, so he wasn't busy at all. Also he constantly flaked on our set vid chats. This guy isn't worth the trouble!!!!!!!! Edited June 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 Cut him loose Future reference next time you agree to exclusivity be clear Me personally I don’t agree to that we are exclusive but not together or not boyfriend and girlfriend. Sh*t makes no sense. It’s either we together or we not. And since it is a thing get clarity before saying “okay”. Also I give a guy 3 months max to ask me to be his girlfriend. That’s more than enough time to decide. If he is not sure no hard feelings but I’m not waiting around. I recommend you do the same. Good luck 2
frus69 Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 You wasted 4 months how many more months do you want to wait. In all my LTR I have even met the parents within 3 months, let alone getting the title. Did you need 4 months to know? I bet not. Send his sorry ass away ,will ya?
chillii Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 When you see him next you guys need to have a really good talk about everything, real feelings if any and especially how your both feeling about it all too not only each other , and just what it is so far to each of you, see any future feel any real connection . Your hardly seeing each other , hardly talking , yaknow , what is it ?
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 You two definitely need to have some frank discussions. You are both playing games better suited for middle school, then middle age. After 4 months you do need to know if you are exclusive. Plus if you are not feeling happy / satisfied / appreciated in your relationship whether you have the label GF or not, you can absolutely speak up. For this guy to tell you otherwise was flat out wrong.
Redhead14 Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 I don't think you should ASK for anything. You make a STATEMENT. "I have been enjoying the time we spend together and I am not seeing anyone else nor do I want to. I am dating in order to have a committed relationship with someone and feel as though I am ready for that with you." and then let him talk. If he says anything less than, "I feel the same way and want that with you too" or similar verbiage, you thank him for the nice times and wish him well in the future. 2
Author Pepsi38 Posted June 6, 2019 Author Posted June 6, 2019 Thanks everyone. Some really helpful replies here. I had pretty much written it off a month ago and then he came back saying all the stuff about the future, now I feel like we are back to square one again. I know it's not meeting my needs, I just find these situations so difficult to deal with and always ask myself whether I'm doing enough or if it's my fault. I realise it's stupid of me to cling on to hope that things will change. Like a lot of you say, 4 months is too long especially after I've made it clear what I want. He's currently ignoring me again so I'm just going to leave it at this point I think. It's a tough one as I've been on so many dates the last few years and this is the only one for ages that I thought would go somewhere.
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