not wanting to date because its expensive

[supersteelman]

im not in the best financial situation. im going through a few things.

8 month break from a 7 year relationship and moving back to the city I came from before moving close to her place.

 

on one hand id love companionship but being online all I read in womens (38-48yo) profiles is "shows/traveling to different countries/restaurants etc"

no one mentions love or LTR. they all have pictures of themselves at different destinations around the world.

 

I could date, but I remember how much I payed per month with my long time ex.

 

it may be different in the US with many wanting to pay some dates as well but on the other side of the pond its quite different and women are traditional where they believe the man should pay most of the time

 

I think a lot of women dont realize how much it costs per month for all the different outings

 

at the very least $300+ .

I could do a lot with 300+

[amaysngrace]

You sound bitter about your last relationship.

 

If I were you I wouldn’t date anyone new until you get that all sorted out.

[frus69]

Ok you dont want to date

then dont date

why are you telling it to us

[supersteelman]

You sound bitter about your last relationship.

 

If I were you I wouldn’t date anyone new until you get that all sorted out.

 

nah. youre assuming. I have no bitterness with the ex. im not hung up about her.

 

my point is that finding someone normal who doesnt feel entitled to have a guy take them out and splurge a lot of money

[Marc878]

Right now you may not be ready to date anyway.

 

It's good to take some downtime.

 

Living alone has some great benefits.

 

I'd explore that first.

[basil67]

From what you describe, women wanting men to pay for everything IS normal where you are. Sounds more like you want someone who's not normal in her views.

 

Try looking for a woman who mentions that she's a feminist - she may be more inclined to pay her way.

[amaysngrace]

I could date, but I remember how much I payed per month with my long time ex.

 

 

I have no bitterness with the ex.

 

It sure seems like it to me.

 

Don’t date if you are seeing what you lose rather than what you’ll get. I don’t think you’re quite there yet.

 

Everybody knows dating costs money. Not sure why you’re complaining about that though if you truly aren’t bitter.

[Happy Lemming]

I used to budget $400-$500/per month (US dollars) when I was actively dating.

 

It is a bit cheaper once you are in a relationship, but yes (I agree) dating is expensive.

 

I can also say in all the years of dating I did and do, never did a woman reach for the check or volunteer to pay for anything.

[Grey40]

There are tons of places you can go on dates that aren't very expensive at all. I never take first dates out to dinner or anything like that..it's always just drinks initially.

 

Drinks, Bowling, low-maintenance restaurants, etc. are all plenty affordable. It can be pricey if you're going on 3-4 dates a week with different people, but just be pickier about the people you ask out. If you stick to one date a week, it's really not going to break the bank.

[PegNosePete]

Where are you guys going that costs $300-400 per month??

 

A dinner date for 2 in an average place around here £40-50. 1 date per week is £160-200. Much less if you plan accordingly.

 

If you're talking about first meetings then it's much cheaper. Don't do dinner on an initial meet, just do drinks. £20 max per week = £80 per month. Of course if you can't even afford that then yeah, don't date.

 

You say other side of the pond like you're a Brit. Although there are of course exceptions to everything, most Brits don't believe a man should pay all the time. Once you've paid the first few, it's more than reasonable to alternate.

 

If they are the type to travel a lot and have expensive holidays then that will come into play later on in the relationship, not in the initial stages. They're not going to expect you to go to the Maldives on the 3rd date. In the initial stages dating them will cost exactly the same as dating anyone else.

[Gretchen12]

The only photos i have are passport photo, work photo, family photos, photos with ex's and travel photos with some scenic background. For OLD i would only use the travel photos because I don't want to use the other ones. I don't see how that says anything about my spending habits or whether or not I paid for my own travel expenses.

[2much4]

Someone who genuinely likes you won't mind doing something a bit cheaper.

Like another poster said, try something orinal like a picnic, a hike somewhere, a cheap kind of sport....whatever.

 

You'll probably have a lot of unsuccessful first dates before meeting someone you like anyway, and it's stupid to spend a fortune on those anyway.

 

Where I live it's kind of frowned upon to let the man pay for everything. Even when the guys insists to pay I usually try to find a way to contribute, like getting surprise tickets for a show or stuff like that. I don't know where you live, but providing you live in the US, Australia or (most parts of) Europe I'm pretty sure not every woman expects you to pay her way.

[elaine567]

We have a reality TV programme called First Dates in the UK and men ARE expected to pay the full bill for the expensive dinner, men who suggest paying half, have got slated in the media for it.

Women there do make weak half hearted attempts to pay, but men are "supposed to" cast that aside and pay the full amount.

I am not sure how accurate the programme is, but they have all ages, all demographics on there and men who will not pay the bill are not seen in a good light by anyone.

 

Women who post pics of foreign holidays and expensive restaurants are not looking for a man who likes a pie and a pint at home, she would not be happy with that, so I am not sure why it is so "wrong" for them to advertise the lifestyle they enjoy.

OLD is about finding people who tick your particular boxes, so no point in saying as a woman you love a Big Mac and a walk in the local park if that is not who you really are.

 

Women in their forties have probably done the boring stuff at home with their exes and are now looking for a bit of excitement in their lives, before they get too old...

[supersteelman]

@amaysngrace

im going to ignore your comment. I get no added value with your replies.

 

@Happy Lemming

there we go. someone who knows what im saying. having a female partner costs tons of money. women dont realize this. they have comments like, go for a walk and get ice cream.

yea, that doesnt work. fist bump HL. bravo!

 

@Grey40 bowling is an expensive-ish activity here. it will cost $40 for 3 games (pay for 2 and get the 3rd for free) for 2 people.

after that its always to the cafe/pub or restaurant or movie afterwards. add that as well. use your imagination. do this 4-6 times a month and youre at $300+ dollars. over 40 women want a partner for fun. the ex husband was a bore and stayed at home. the new guy is there for sponsorship for fun activities. we will goto a higher end restaurant once in a while, but most times we go to an average level restaurant. never red lobster type garbage though.

 

you cant choose partners based on future total of outings. thats not realistic. and yes, it hurts the wallet badly. ask Lemming. he knows the deal. he knows whats up. all those go for a walk and ice cream does not work. the ice cream is after going to the band concert I spend a good chunk of.

 

@PegNosePete

"If they are the type to travel a lot and have expensive holidays then that will come into play later on in the relationship, not in the initial stages"

 

yes, true. but heres what I noticed happening. there seems to be a bit of turbulence created with women who date some men that are generous with splurging and now a good chunk of women are the carrie from sex and the city looking for big. and this is happening a lot. even with younger women theyre holding out for men with money. like bill burr said, there seems to be an epidomic of gold digging women the last decade, more so then before. all think they are princesses and such. im not from the UK but more to the right.

 

add it up. dates to a regular restuarant or to the movies +cheaper restaurant 1.5 times a week...Pete, it adds up to $300+ dollars per month. sometimes we go to a concert, sometimes well even drive northwards and stay a cozy inn. add food and some attraction.. it adds up very fast.

 

@enigma32 im not broke, just not in the best financial situation. making about 60% of my normal pay ATM. on one hand I like companionship, the other, as soon as I start dating my wallet will get thinner and there is no way to stop that. you cant tell the lady, let me take a month off so my wallet can inflate again. this is truth though. you have to costantly strive to make money so you can have a partner in your life. Lemming knows whats up. thats how it is. maybe some guys are super stingy and I have a hard time believing they are successful long term and who knows what the person looks like.,

 

@2much4 that sounds sweet and optimistic but it isnt the real world.

 

@elaine567

yes, with all the feminism pus, its still a fact they expect the man pays for most of the outings and extras.

 

problem is, like I said above is that there seems to be this turbulence thats picked up that women want the guy like the other woman that has that has extra money to pay for all the activities and outings her pretty little head desires. a lot of carries from sex and the city are online.

and I found myself paying at the very least 300+ a month and was because something happened and we could go out. like she had an issue with her daughters etc. otherwise its up to the $400 normally. I think women are just not aware how much guys really pay.

 

"Women who post pics of foreign holidays and expensive restaurants are not looking for a man who likes a pie and a pint at home, she would not be happy with that, so I am not sure why it is so "wrong" for them to advertise the lifestyle they enjoy.

OLD is about finding people who tick your particular boxes, so no point in saying as a woman you love a Big Mac and a walk in the local park if that is not who you really are"

 

this is true. lets be honest and say that finding that guy is practically zilch percent. tons of married guys tons of players tons of average no money joes online.the chance for them to find the guy is zilch.

 

"Women in their forties have probably done the boring stuff at home with their exes and are now looking for a bit of excitement in their lives, before they get too old..."

 

yes, this is what im getting at. women looking for a sponsor for their fun years they have left. and I agree. im saying this exactly. I payed tons of money per month for outings and im going to be 1 less in that pool for now. if I was an a** I could easily play women, screw then and leave. I can show a video that on OKC, I have more then 30 messages from women. there isnt a lack of options. my post is just mentioning exactly what youre saying. a lot of women want a guy for fun/outings.

 

"I am not sure how accurate the programme is, but they have all ages, all demographics on there and men who will not pay the bill are not seen in a good light by anyone. "

 

yes a lot of shaming for the man. very sad. the situation though is that it will be ever harder for women to find the guy to sponsor them. its inevitable. less men getting higher education, less men even wanting to commit.

and ive never taken my partner to big mac place or even to those crappy red robin/red lobster garbage places

 

 

my comment is not that im cheap, because as I said, I payed tons of money per month. my comment is that im just tired of it. women just arent aware how much a guy really pays. ive payed my dues to society...err wrong forum..

[elaine567]

Women in their forties now mostly earn their own money and so many do not NEED a man for subsistence, they are therefore not prepared to put up with any old man. Many have already been there.

They can quite easily and many are quite prepared, to not have a man at all, so they can afford to be very fussy. Yes their expectations may be high but if they frankly do not care whether Mr Perfect turns up or not then it is no big deal.

Many are more into work, family, hobbies, friends, pets, holidays etc. anyway.

 

I think "gold diggers" do congregate online as where else would they find "desperate" men with money to burn?

[supersteelman]

Women in their forties now mostly earn their own money and so many do not NEED a man for subsistence, they are therefore not prepared to put up with any old man. Many have already been there.

They can quite easily and many are quite prepared, to not have a man at all, so they can afford to be very fussy. Yes their expectations may be high but if they frankly do not care whether Mr Perfect turns up or not then it is no big deal.

Many are more into work, family, hobbies, friends, pets, holidays etc. anyway.

 

I think "gold diggers" do congregate online as where else would they find "desperate" men with money to burn?

 

Bravo well said. this is true mostly.bottom line is the vast majority of women will not find that specific guy. most men are not making a lot of money. how desperate does it make the woman who finds desperate men who spend money. were not talking about high level individuals here.

 

But I filter these women out very quickly. they are not the ones I date.

I can verify this with the first phone and my dick tracy detective filter question packet I bought online to assess who they are.

3 specific questions and I have a clear picture. and that only if I didnt assess it from reading their profiles.

[Foxhall]

hmmn sometimes its money well invested but I agree can feel like throwing money away at times,

 

keeping the initial dates to the cheaper options seems the best play and dont worry about the expensive stuff until a while down the road,

 

I tried a crazy golf outing date recently, something different and quite cheap, think vibes were ok after it,

 

she paid for the drinks after (hey she is a Doctor so fair to say earns more than me!)

 

its all about the fun and banter you have not the money you spend.

[littleblackheart]

You seem determined to believe that women are entitled and dating is costly. Maybe it is (I don't know, I don't 'date') but I also know you don't 'date' forever.

 

At some point, it leads to a relationship with a partner to share life (not just expenses) with.

 

Consider dating as getting to know someone, keep it simple (make it about the person, not the bill) and don't turn it into a trading transaction or it'll make you bitter.

 

In other words, choose your 'dates' wisely - both the person and the venue.

[Shining One]

not wanting to date because its expensive

This is a valid reason for taking a dating break. Years ago, I was planning on a major expense: Buying a Lexus for my mom's birthday. I analyzed my spending and found that I had spent ~ $5,000 in the previous year of dating. I took the next year off of dating and the money I saved contributed significantly to the down payment.

 

I'm once again single and I'll probably stay out of dating for a while. I'm planning a kitchen remodel and that can get quite expensive.

[Shining One]

Try looking for a woman who mentions that she's a feminist - she may be more inclined to pay her way.

I actually tried this for a while. The feminists I encountered on OLD didn't want equality in this specific area. In fact, none of the women I met online who paid their share advertised themselves as feminists.

[BaileyB]

Dating is only as expensive as you want it to be. I have dated my boyfriend for three years now, he has never once taken me on a trip anywhere. We go out for the occasional dinner. He pays for some things, I pay for other things. I have no expectation that he needs to buy me expensive things or pay for everything.

 

Besides, if you don’t have extra money now to spend on “dating,” there is nothing wrong with taking a break wo do a little more work and get your financial house in order...

Edited June 5, 2019 by BaileyB

[Simple Logic]

nah. youre assuming. I have no bitterness with the ex. im not hung up about her.

 

my point is that finding someone normal who doesnt feel entitled to have a guy take them out and splurge a lot of money

 

Do you live in a western industrialized country? In the 38-48 age group, going to shows and traveling are the normal dating activities. $300 should not be a lot of money by the time you have reached your age.

[BaileyB]

Do you live in a western industrialized country? In the 38-48 age group, going to shows and traveling are the normal dating activities. $300 should not be a lot of money by the time you have reached your age.

 

$300 doesn’t break the bank, no.

But $300 this month, and $300 dollars the next month sure does...

 

In that age range, most women will have their own careers and have their own money. They shouldn’t be expecting a man to pay for all the dinner, shows, and travelling... if they are, that is a HUGE red flag.

 

And I would argue, in a western country travelling is not an expected or normal dating activity early on in a new relationship. And, if you are travelling while “dating,” both people should be sharing the cost.

[BluEyeL]

I think dating is expensive, yes, for the first few dates. And often, the first few dates don't pan out, and then you go for first few dates with other women and you pay and yes, it adds up.

 

But traveling is not involved. That's relationship type activity, not "dating" activity. And if a woman wants to travel, she is likely to pay her way. Unless she's broke and you are the one who wants to travel and want to pay. Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about travel.

 

Date 1, always keep it a coffee date. You can also keep date 2 cheap. Maybe date 3 could be dinner, and after that she should start paying her way. Nevertheless, say she starts paying and you take turns. This week I pay, next week you pay. It's still not free. It's expensive to go out, period. It's cheap to stay home.

 

Don't date if you are in a situation where you feel you cannot afford or don't want to pay for what it costs. That's a fair decision. Definitely, "women" and "dating" will not change and I don't think you'll find a woman who would agree to just come to your house and have sex right away, without you springing for a slice of pizza first. That's too bad so sad.

[BaileyB]

I don't think you'll find a woman who would agree to just come to your house and have sex right away, without you springing for a slice of pizza first. That's too bad so sad.

 

No, but it’s a coffee, or a slice of pizza, or a movie, or a dinner if things go well... or a hike, or a drive, or a bike ride. Initial dating does have some cost - but it could be as little, or as much, as you want it to be. Fine dining, shows, travel - those are “relationship” activities as you have so wisely put it and then... it becomes a discussion and a negotiation about expectations and the financial reality - not everyone has money to throw around on experiences with other people... In all of life, there must be a balance. In this case, it would be between partners and expectations.