Fell for my friend, we ended up having a great connection, only for his ex to call

[newyorker3475]

A guy I have been friends with for 4 years and I recently started "talking" about a month ago. He was in a relationship when I met him that has been on and off. They broke up around 4 months ago and he immediately started being flirtatious with me. I have always sensed there was tension between us, but I never said anything because he was in a relationship and we were just friends in our group of friends (we work for different companies but in the same office building). After he started pursuing me, we would text 24/7 non-stop for several weeks and we started to hang out together. He insisted on going somewhere after to talk and we ended up staying out til 6:30 am just talking. He didn't want to leave and he told me the next day that he didn't want to leave and loved every minute of being with me. He would make comments about "how amazing" I am and said I am the greatest girl in the world. He made future plans about things we would do. Then, his ex called him and she has health issues (she has lupus) and said she wants him back. She did this before and he told her he was talking to me but this time she called him telling him about her health and he told me he feels conflicted. He started crying and told me he really likes me but he feels horrible. So, needless to say, we aren't talking anymore. I told him I feel so thrown off completely and I look like a moron. He told me that I was not wrong in thinking he was interested and I read everything correctly and that he did plan on us being together. I wish I had peace about everything but I do not. If I didn't have to ever see him again it would be ok, but he works in the same office building as me and even if I avoid him, I will still see him. We are both 26. I am so heartbroken and I am not sure why I am so sad and I am not sure how to get over him knowing I still have to see him because we also have mutual friends. If he had told me he only felt like we were friends and we didn't stay up til sunrise together and he didn't say all these wonderful things to me that you don't just say to a friend and then telling me one day later how conflicted he felt after she called him, I would have peace, but for him to tell me how much he liked me and that I read all of his interest correctly, I am so confused and sad. Advice please!!! Thank you!

[crispytoast]

Ahh the good ol' come-back-to-me-I-have-lupus trick. A sneaky one she is.

 

Whyever he would tell her the two of you are hanging out is beyond me. He may have done you a favor though because had she not called him then, the two of you may have fallen into a deeper connection before that call came.

 

He isn't a bad person for being conflicted. Having a loved one with a health condition is difficult and even if they had just broken up, he still loves her. That doesn't mean the things he said to you weren't true either. Love isn't simple nor is it necessary exclusively between two people..

 

This leaves you with a dilemma. You can pull out all stops and try to make him not conflicted. You might end up with him or you might lose him as a friend. You could also take a step back, watch how things play out, and be content knowing that you have a friend who thinks these great things about you.

 

Also though, what's lupus? Is she turning into a werewolf???

[elaine567]

Lupus can be a very severe chronic illness, it can be life threatening.

It is not a joke nor is it just an excuse...

Google it.

 

Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) – lupus

[ExpatInItaly]

Health problems or not, he’s not over her yet. Perhaps he thought he was, until she asked for him back.

 

This would have eventually spelled problems for your relationship anyway, as it’s very difficult to develop a connection with someone who’s still connected to someone else in their heart. Even if she hadn’t come back, I think you two would’ve encountered other obstacles resulting from not taking enough time to really heal and deal with the end of his previous relationship.

[d0nnivain]

You were a rebound . . .a place holder until a). she came back or b). a way to fully get over her. Your mistake was getting serious with a guy who wasn't emotionally available. It was too soon. He hadn't finished healing yet.

 

Let him be. Distance yourself. Console yourself knowing you can attract good guys because in the end he told you & broke things off rather than cheat so he's not a bad person.

[lurker74]

There are a 1,000 reasons why a relationship doesn't work and only one reason it does. The fact that his ex has lupus (allegedly) is just one of many possibilities. But yes, you are right to feel heartbroken. I suspect it's not because you were in love with him but because he dismissed you so easily when she called. I suspect that his personality lends itself to that type of behavior, where he wants to please everyone. And it makes it difficult for him to set boundaries. So you will have to because when it turns out she doesn't have lupus (or whatever), he will be back. I would advise holding off for a year with him when he does come back.

 

In the meantime, think about what a badass you are every time you see him. How much he wants you but was too weak to keep you. Make sure you understand the pain that he feels for being not enough. I know that's not the most mature way to deal with your situation but it will probably help in the short-term.

[smackie9]

He has no spine. He is easily manipulated into staying over and over...you just saw first hand the tactic she's been using on him for the last 4 years. I know it's really not your place to get involved, but if he insists on talking to you, point out the obvious...she is using him, and is manipulating him with guilt. He needs to break this cycle if he wants to move forward with his life.

[kendahke]

I'll bet dollars to donuts that he's been talking to her all this time, he told her about you and she ran back to grab her place. Funny the timing, no? She must be clairvoyant or something to sense that kind of a minute shift in the universe. Not. He's been telling her what's going on.

 

If he had no feelings for her, there would be no confusion. A confused person is confused because they are holding out hope for someone other than the time-marker they're with--just waiting on that green light to go back or get with them.

 

At best, you were the rebound relationship that he didn't think would sprout legs and stand on its own. All that "you're amazing" talk was him saying "omg--I've really messed this up and I'm going to mess up a really nice person because I'm not over my ex". 4 months post break up isn't a lot of time to process said break up.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

They broke up around 4 months ago and he immediately started being flirtatious with me.

 

That is a big red flag. More then likely he was using you to get over her and jumped as soon as she showed up. Tell him his interest is a no unless his interest is 100%.Personally I'd cut him out of my life, he is no friend if he plays with your feelings.

Edited June 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited