Am I being oversensitive towards boyfriend or just sick of him?

[feelingbetrayed135]

I love my bf and we've been together a while. But there are things he is doing that are really upsetting me and causing a lot of stress in my life. I'm not sure if it's me being oversensitive or my head giving me "red flags" about him.

 

Here's a list of stuff from the last few months:

1.When we were out to dinner with (his) friends, I was ordering and not sure what to get (some dishes were more substantial than others) and he said, "Well you always clean your plate" inferring I eat a lot (and I'm a normal weight). Embarrassing!! I said something later to him and he laughed and said he was only kidding - not a funny joke to me.

2. We traveled to a wedding for (his friend) and even though he said he'd pay for it all, I paid for the airfare (I admit I offered with my points but he never offered to pay at least his airfare which even with points "costs") - was worth about $800 for both of us, roundtrip. Then, when we got there, he expected me to use my Uber (which I did upon arrival) and out of the blue the next day, he said it was his obligation, so he gave me cash - good move but a little late.

3. He tells me he is trying to save more money for himself, but didn't put into savings his tax refund he just rec'd. In his checking account and I assume he'll end up spending it on something or other. BUT he insists he is in fantastic financial shape!

4. I've been sick with a cold for more than a week, and he asked if I wanted to go out the following night and I replied it depended on how I felt; the next morning, I get a text from him that he's taking me out to a nice dinner "and won't take a no for an answer". I still didn't feel that great but got dressed up anyway.

5. I broke my knee several weeks ago and before the doctor knew what it was I helped him pack his mother up to go to a nursing home - he knew I was in a lot of pain and I spent over 2 hours helping - and most of that time, he was socializing with him family in the other room - he never acknowledged me helping under those circumstances.

 

to be fair, he is very kind to me generally and when I got sick recently at another wedding, he took care of me (and it wasn't pretty, if you know what I mean).

 

Do I just have a insensitive guy sometimes who needs to be more aware or do I have an insensitive kind of person who only is out there to meet his needs?

[FMW]

My guess would be he's just clueless. You can try to work with him on it by bringing the issues to his attention as they happen, but he's probably not going to change.

[clia]

I don't really understand what you are so stressed about and I don't see anything particularly insensitive either.

 

1.When we were out to dinner with (his) friends, I was ordering and not sure what to get (some dishes were more substantial than others) and he said, "Well you always clean your plate" inferring I eat a lot (and I'm a normal weight). Embarrassing!! I said something later to him and he laughed and said he was only kidding - not a funny joke to me.

 

This just sounds like a joke. I don't really see why you got so upset.

 

2. We traveled to a wedding for (his friend) and even though he said he'd pay for it all, I paid for the airfare (I admit I offered with my points but he never offered to pay at least his airfare which even with points "costs") - was worth about $800 for both of us, roundtrip. Then, when we got there, he expected me to use my Uber (which I did upon arrival) and out of the blue the next day, he said it was his obligation, so he gave me cash - good move but a little late.

 

Don't offer to pay for things if you are going to complain about it later. As far as the Uber, he paid you back so it should be a non-issue.

 

3. He tells me he is trying to save more money for himself, but didn't put into savings his tax refund he just rec'd. In his checking account and I assume he'll end up spending it on something or other. BUT he insists he is in fantastic financial shape!

 

This is all speculation at this point.

 

4. I've been sick with a cold for more than a week, and he asked if I wanted to go out the following night and I replied it depended on how I felt; the next morning, I get a text from him that he's taking me out to a nice dinner "and won't take a no for an answer". I still didn't feel that great but got dressed up anyway.

 

"I'm sorry, boyfriend, but I'm not feeling well and don't want to go out tonight." He's not a mindreader.

 

5. I broke my knee several weeks ago and before the doctor knew what it was I helped him pack his mother up to go to a nursing home - he knew I was in a lot of pain and I spent over 2 hours helping - and most of that time, he was socializing with him family in the other room - he never acknowledged me helping under those circumstances.

 

"I'm sorry, boyfriend, but my knee is really bothering me so I can't help anymore." Again, he's not a mindreader. Speak up for yourself if you aren't feeling well.

[preraph]

Number one was nothing. He meant nothing by that. Just meant that eat as much as you want.

 

If you offer to pay for something then you can't begrudge it later. maybe there's a little communication gap here on money stuff. maybe you offered to pay for it but you didn't get into the details like well I'll pay for this if you'll pay for that. That's something you can fix by communicating better.

 

As far as him saving or whatever, just wait and see. don't get in a hurry to get engaged or marry him or anything and just wait and see more about him.

 

He sounds oblivious about when you feel bad. You should have just told him no if you didn't feel like going. instead you just went along with it so he probably thinks you weren't even that serious about feeling bad. If he says he's not going to take no for an answer, tell him sorry but you are still feeling sick. He'll have to take no for an answer.

 

if you didn't know you'd broken your knee then how is he supposed to know it? What you've got to do is change your own behavior because you can't change his. don't give in when he's pushing you to do something you don't feel like doing.

 

it is possible you're just losing attraction for him and so you're nitpicking, but if you really like the guy you need to just stand up to him sometimes and not be just giving in if you don't feel like it.

[FMW]

he knew I was in a lot of pain and I spent over 2 hours helping

 

I think that qualifies as insensitive. Like I said, I think he's just clueless. Yes, he should have shown concern, but in your place I probably would have said hey, I'd love to help, but I just can't with my knee like this.

[feelingbetrayed135]

thanks for all of your input. I suppose the one I'm most upset about is the tax refund. We were planning on living together and I told him I needed to see him being fiscally prudent and savings as much as he can so he has a buffer for himself before I take him in and rely on him to share in the household expenses.

[d0nnivain]

You are questioning every little thing because you are getting cold feet about moving in with him. Second thoughts are good things. They force you to evaluate things clearly.

 

Yes he put his foot in his mouth at dinner.

 

You offered the points. Since he said he'd pay there was no reason for you to do that. Don't be miffed at him because he accepted. He didn't see points as cash. He did pay you back for the Uber. You are being petty about the timing.

 

Between the dinner & helping his mom, you didn't set or enforce your own boundaries. It's OK to say I'm too ill or injured to do something.

 

As long as he is genuinely in good shape financially & it's not effecting you, how he deals with money is not your concern.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think you're just sick of him, since that was an option to choose in your title.

[kendahke]

I think that your expectations for this guy may be unreasonable for him to meet.

You're expecting someone completely different from this guy to show up and inhabit his body and that's not going to happen. This is who he is--and unless he feels changing his ways would be in his best interest as far as not running you off, you're going to have to figure out if you want to keep investing in someone who is not meeting your expectations.

 

After a while, fighting all the time over who he has no intention on being is a colossal waste of time, energy and youth. When you get sick of hearing yourself repeating yourself, you'll know it's time to move on.

 

BTW, last year, I had to move my mom out of her apartment and into a nursing home with not much help. He could have done the move without you since you were dealing with a broken knee injury.

Edited June 3, 2019 by kendahke

[Curiousroxy86]

A lot of this can be fixed if you can just communicate boundaries imo

 

The clean your plate comment did not seem like he meant to call you fat especially if you know you are not fat. He probably meant just what he said. You eat everything on your plate. I would have said “damn right and pat my belly”.

 

A lot of things you mentioned I would just speak up. Like when he wanted to take you to dinner but you was sick then you say “babe I really do not feel well so forgive me I’m not going”. What was he going to do? Beat you over the head with a club and drag you to dinner? Stand your ground if there is something you really don’t want to do. More than likely he would just accept.

 

If you need help you speak up “babe can you help me with this”. If he doesn’t respond favorably to your needs when you do communicate theeeeeen consider cutting him loose. Because then you would have actually confirmed proof that he is insensitive/selfish and not a team player

 

Speak up more and see how he responds

 

He could be emotionally unaware maybe. A little dense to ques. Many guys can be that way but with everything see if you can accept. I would start with speaking up. If you really can’t accept to the point that you dread being with him well you let him go.

 

I have to admit Op I have seen much much worse things in relationships and in case there some stuff you not telling us I don’t see any blaring red flags or deal breakers here. I wouldn’t be so quick to let this guy go. I would just be more communicative and then make a better informed decision.

[feelingbetrayed135]

does it change your thought if he promised to save as much as he can to give me peace of mind if he moves in since he has limited assets and I don't...so if there's a "shortfall" I'm picking it up.

[d0nnivain]

A little bit. If you already know his finances are shaky & he still over spends that is a caution flag before you cohabitate.

[feelingbetrayed135]

is not that he is overspending as much as not making every effort to put some more $ away, even if it's a modest amount since each little bit counts. He already told me he expected to "save more" once he moved in and put that $ away for both of us to use; the other catch: he would pay less to me than he's paying now for rent and use the "savings" for the savings account.

 

I'd rather him pay me the entire amount since his share is much less than 50% of the expenses. Even with that, there's no guarantee I realize.

[Curiousroxy86]

Oh good God I hope this is not the lady who keeps reposting under a different accounts about that boyfriend that has no money again

 

I was doing good ignoring her posts smh

 

If it is not Op disregard my speculation and forgive me lol

[feelingbetrayed135]

He then tells me over the weekend that he decided to forgo vacation pay for a day he took off last week even though he has 7 paid days to take before year end; saying "he doesn't need it"...really??

[Sunlight72]

Holy mackerel feelingbetrayed135.

 

Stop faking generosity. You're offering to do things you don't want to do (and doing them) instead of saying you don't want to! What the heck? And then you're pissed he "let" you do them!?~?! What???

 

It sounds like you are flipping out about him moving in. That means you need to STOP everything. Cool out. Figure out what is happening. STOP. Breathe. Make a plan together. Have a rational conversation about all this when you both have time. Make an appointment and have paper and pen and do it together. (I'd recommend not having it all prepared and presenting it to him, but figuring things together. The thinking & problem solving together offers a chance to build trust and teamwork.)

 

It sounds like you're flipping out about who owes who what. But he doesn't know you're keeping a tally. You can totally choose how you live and what is acceptable to you - in fact it's important you do that But, it is ridiculous to expect him to read your mind; you have to stick to your boundaries better.

 

As to his finances and him moving in - you have a Very Specific picture of what is OK but I don't think that will really satisfy you. You need to get a little more honest with yourself and him about that.

 

A solution would be for both of you to contribute %60 of the rent/utilities. The extra can be for savings. If he sees you are also putting 60% into a sort of public fund, I think it will feel more fair and team oriented.

 

You do it how it makes you comfortable, seriously. Just as a reference though, not everyone will see it the same way. I had a live-in girlfriend for 18 months. She bought groceries maybe 6 times. That was her total contribution monetarily (inside the house). That was fine with me. I would have been paying the same bills if she weren't there. You would be paying for your place all on your own if he weren't there, so he probably thinks he's helping you by paying anything. I'm not saying he's 'right', but you need to explain your honest feeling - don't get in a situation where you are going to be resentful and feel ripped off every month when he pays less than you feel is his fair share.

 

You really don't sound like you want this guy as a tied-in part of your life. Certainly not your financial life. So - STOP everything. You don't have to have him move in. Don't invite him to move in if you're not relaxed and happy about it.

 

Best Wishes, truly.

 

And I'm sorry if you're still feeling under the weather, that makes everything crappy.

Edited June 3, 2019 by Sunlight72

[kendahke]

Oh good God I hope this is not the lady who keeps reposting under a different accounts about that boyfriend that has no money again

 

 

I think it is...