FMW Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Your update puts things in a little different light. She wasn't giving you mixed signals until you had sex. When she politely declined to see you when you asked it probably had something to do with her feeling the ambiguity of your own feelings. Then you told her the sex was just "a bit of fun". She probably is interested in you but doesn't want to just be "a bit of fun". She should have just left you alone after that comment. Sounds like she isn't the only one being silly if you refuse to discuss the situation with her because she's showing hurt feelings instead of staying eager and open to you. Conflict resolution is not fun or comfortable, but if you want to have a decent relationship going forward you have to deal with it. Like the other poster asked - what do you want to happen? Do you want to be more than friends with her or not?
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 Well I've known her for years and always suspected that there was some mutual attraction, but never really acted on it because of the context of our friendship. She initiated the sex, but the morning after she seemed a bit guarded. I wasn't sure if this was because she felt that she'd given her feelings away after all that time, or if she was trying to let me know that it was a one time thing. She's not the most open person so it's hard to figure out. I did message her that same say to say 'it was great, but very unexpected!', and her response was very short. When I asked her to come out and she was still coy, I figured that it may have been a drunken mis-step, which is kinda why I said it was 'just a bit of fun' when she brought it up. I didn't want to make out that I thought it was anything more than it was. It's still hard to know, because if I play it down she acts slighted, but she still puts herself in front of me and does things that seem engineered to wind me up/get a rise out of me, which I can only imagine she would bother to do if she did have feelings for me. I asked her out one on one to try and get the measure, but her saying 'not sure feelings match' didn't better my understanding one iota. If she were just another girl I met in a pub, I wouldn't be bothering with any of this and the reticence would have been a big red flag, but I can't help but feel that her guardedness and lack of clarity is down to her own tendency toward self preservation. I think I would like to move things forward as I think we could be good together.
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 also - I certainly haven't refused to discuss the situation - on the contrary, I've tried to encourage her to be open about feelings, but she just stayed closed off and told me 'I'm making more of it than it is', even though she's the one who made it anything in the first place.
FMW Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Then follow her lead. When she's reaching out to you or trying to get your attention respond warmly but not overly eager. Don't try to get across that you think she's being silly or sending mixed signals, that will put her even more on guard. Since she's clearly very guarded and probably acting on ego (trying to avoid being hurt), you'll have to be the "bigger person" and relax your own ego if you want to see if there's a chance to take things further. Her saying your feelings don't match, again, might be because of the "bit of fun" comment if it came before her saying that. I'm not knocking you, who knows, maybe she's just a princess when it comes to relationships, and you certainly don't want to have to deal with that. Just see what happens.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 I don’t know op Now that I’m reading your update I can’t help but wonder if she was interested in more than just sex type of thing and was disappointed in how you treated what you all did. She declined a night out with you and friends because that not the same as a man asking us out on a date. You took it as being friend zoned but maybe she felt friend zoned because you never show true interest after the fact. Especially the part where she said intentions don’t match So you made it clear your not going to chase which is fine but I don’t see her as hot and cold anymore now that I see the update.
elaine567 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 "bit of fun" is not something she is likely to forget in a hurry. Not really something women like to hear after initiating and having sex with a man. I guess she was guarded as she was unsure of you. Was this a pump and dump or something more? You then confirmed it was a pump and dump. I guess you ruined it.
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 Well I only really said that because it's the vibe I got from her the morning after - she even started talking about other guys whilst she was still in the bed with me. I messaged her the next day to say I had fun with her, she just said it was 'random'. In fact, she said that her sister messaged to ask if anything happened that same morning, and when I asked why she'd ask that she said 'becuase she knows what I'm like' - not exactly 'because she knows that I like you'. I said it because it was how I was made to feel, and I didn't want to let her think that I was hoping for anything more/getting any ideas. If she's that upset about it, maybe she should've been a little more open/affectionate the morning after rather than making me feel like I was used for sex, because that's exactly how it felt. Somehow it's always the man's fault. We're capable of feeling hurt like that too.
ChatroomHero Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Well I only really said that because it's the vibe I got from her the morning after - she even started talking about other guys whilst she was still in the bed with me. I messaged her the next day to say I had fun with her, she just said it was 'random'. In fact, she said that her sister messaged to ask if anything happened that same morning, and when I asked why she'd ask that she said 'becuase she knows what I'm like' - not exactly 'because she knows that I like you'... I get the feeling too that you were dismissive of the sex and that bothered her. You were in a tricky spot and you could answer one of two ways really, you were all in or understood it was something fun that just happened with no strings. How she took it, you can't control. If she was not ready to be super serious, your answer might have been a relief to her. If she wanted more, it may have offended her. If she was in the middle, she may have taken it as a rejection of sorts. She may well be used to guys chasing after her and being all in after sex, allowing her to keep the upper hand but you threw her a curveball. The only time calling her out on mixed signals is a good idea is when you know it is over and want to say your piece and maybe get final confirmation/validation. Whenever I call someone out, it is pretty much when I know it is done and I am not hoping for anything further. It sounds to me like you sent her a mixed signal and if guys pine away for her all the time, she probably felt rejected and is not sure how to handle it. Either way, if you like games then by all means keep after it. Otherwise I think you'll be passing mixed signals back and forth for a while and that is a lot of work for usually not much pay off in my opinion.
elaine567 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 I get it, you felt a bit slighted so you tried to regain your composure by saying no big deal it was only a bit of fun to put her down, but that is not something you can say to any woman you have some interest in and expect her to be still interested. Seems two big egos bumped off each other and neither was willing to be vulnerable. She acted nonchalant and so did you, only your bit of fun comment took it one step further. Total result = zero. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 I get where your coming from Jeremy. I am not saying you are wrong and she is right. But I do feel like her (and maybe you as well) expected a certain indicator to prove to the other that there is something more there. Again not saying it’s right or wrong. It’s just one of y’all wanted the other to go first lol. She may believe in her head that men who like a woman and interested in her will pursue. I actually share the same mindset. If he doesn’t well he just don’t want you bad enough There is another school of thought that men can separate sex from feelings. So if a woman believes that well she doesn’t see it as in her best interest to get all gushy and express her feelings when it more than likely won’t mean anything to you as a man. so She probably tried to play it cool cause again no confirmation from you that you like her for more than what y’all did and your words of it was just fun ended up being a self fulfilling prophecy and confirmed in her own mind that “intentions don’t match”....even though her actions was not at all helpful lol. If I liked a guy and I believe the things I currently believe....yet somehow initiated sex with him (lol that would never happen but let’s go with it) well I too would play it cool afterwards. I don’t think I would do what she did exactly as far as being dismissive towards you. I just would not initiate interest. I would reciprocate interest though If you showed interest after having sex. I feel like this girl kind of didn’t know how to process her feelings in a way that would have worked for her. Not your responsibility btw just explaining why she is acting the way she is acting.
elaine567 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 My feeling is that this girl likes me, but she's frustrated that I don't worship the ground she walks on. She's very beautiful so I'm sure she's used to getting that kind of supply from guys, but for me, reciprocity is key and I'll never be a compliant admirer to that kind of personality. I'm not a bad looking guy myself - I'm certain that she likes me and is pretending not to, treating me with contempt because I haven't told her how amazing I think she is. Yes, you'll probably say this sounds conceited but I'm only going off my gut. I don't intend to chase her but I guarantee she'll put herself in my eyeline again before too long. Shall I just carry on doing what I'm doing, that is, staying grounded but subtly letting her know that her silliness isn't getting to me? You sound bitter. Leave her alone is my advice. Dating is about having good times with people we like, you sound like you hate her for not acting the way you want her to. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 I Either way, if you like games then by all means keep after it. Otherwise I think you'll be passing mixed signals back and forth for a while and that is a lot of work for usually not much pay off in my opinion. I think op should show clear interest giving her the opportunity to reciprocate clear interest. If she still not clear cut her off Or should leave her alone all together and don’t pay her any attention until she initiate clear interest Either way you don’t have to play guessing games in dating imo and that’s for both men and women
OatsAndHall Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 I won't tolerate rudeness out of anyone, regardless of whether or not we've been friends for a few decades and slept together. You've asked for clarification on her feelings towards you, she gave you an answer and I'd just move on from there. She's not going to change her behavior and it'll just end up irritating you.
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 I get it, you felt a bit slighted so you tried to regain your composure by saying no big deal it was only a bit of fun to put her down, but that is not something you can say to any woman you have some interest in and expect her to be still interested. Seems two big egos bumped off each other and neither was willing to be vulnerable. She acted nonchalant and so did you, only your bit of fun comment took it one step further. Total result = zero. I didn't feel slighted, and I definitely didn't want to put her down. Like I said, it was more out of self preservation. I played it down, and maybe she felt a little put out by that - but what was I supposed to say? Telling her that I thought it was great and that I had really wanted to get in touch would only have put the ball in her court, which I guess I didn't want to do. I can't tell if she really wants me, or she just wants me to want her. Where do I go from here? I could just leave it and forget about it, but I think life's just too short. Part of me wants to try again and see if we can talk - but I feel like she'll just get defensive again. I don't know any girl who would inititate sex so enthusiastically with someone they had basically no interest in, especially if they had known that someone for almost 25 years prior to that. If she likes me then I want to let her know that I like her too, and I'm not just in it for the sex, and we've misinterpreted each other's intentions/feelings. I think the awkwardness is arising from the context of or friendship prior to this, and neither of us wanting to let guards down.
Tamfana Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 (edited) If she likes me then I want to let her know that I like her too, and I'm not just in it for the sex........ If you like her and want to try having a relationship, tell her. Don't require her to tell you first. Edited July 2, 2019 by Tamfana 1
Johnson1 Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 (edited) When she told you your feelings don't match you could have asked her what her feelings are, but her saying that pretty much tells it all. It sounds like she's only in it for sex. If you want more I wouldn't be bothered with it because it doesn't sound like she wants anything serious. Edited July 2, 2019 by Vocals5
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 When she told you your feelings don't match you could have asked her what her feelings are, but her saying that pretty much tells it all. It sounds like she's only in it for sex. If you want more I wouldn't be bothered with it because it doesn't sound like she wants anything serious. I asked her what she thought my feelings were. She got defensive saying 'well the fact that you're asking', and told me I'm making more of it than it is. But the thing is, I didn't ask for no reason - I asked because she pushed to sleep together and then tagged along on a trip, where she brought up the night in question, unprompted. I asked because I didn't know what to make of any of that, and I wanted to see where she stood. Saying 'not sure feelings match' could be interpreted in the way you suggest (what I suspected to start with), or could mean that she thinks I'm only in it for sex and she's disappointed that I haven't pandered to her, and is acting coy. The latter seems more congruous to me, given that her behaviour is a little contemptuous. Also, kinda what everyone else on here has said. You can understand my confusion, I'm sure.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Uh huh yea yea yea but what you going to do though? Are you going to stop this ridiculousness and take tamfanas advice and be direct that your interested in her? Or are you going to let her go? Or are you wanting to prolong this egotistical guessing game that you seem to enjoy at this point?
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 Uh huh yea yea yea but what you going to do though? Are you going to stop this ridiculousness and take tamfanas advice and be direct that your interested in her? Or are you going to let her go? Or are you wanting to prolong this egotistical guessing game that you seem to enjoy at this point? I do want to do that, and at this point I've got nothing to lose, really. I know it's ridiculous but I just don't really know how to go about it, i.e. what to say/ how to broach the subject. She might just get defensive again. I'm 100% confident that she fancies me, no doubt in my mind. I just think she's so used to men pining after her that she's frustrated that I'm keeping my head above water and not trying to woo her with words about how great she is. This is something I absolutely don't want to do as we're already friends, and I think it would put us on an uneven footing, but I imagine that's exactly what she wants. Am I stupid to expect a degree of reciprocity? or do you absolutely just have to swallow your pride to get along with a woman like this?
FMW Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Since you are definitely interested in taking things further, then you lighten up on your own ego long enough to tell her and try to have a conversation about it. But if she doesn't respond in kind by lightening up on her own ego, then you let it go. And I would never suggest that you "swallow your pride" to stay in a relationship if it gets that far.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 Jeremy you don’t have to be extra and kiss the ground she walks on All you gotta do is be direct. Doesn’t even have to be a long speech. “Jane I feel like we have a lot of chemistry and I want to explore that with you”. “Jane I am interested in getting to know you more than just friends” “Jane I’m into you” “Jane I’m interested in you” “Jane I want to date you” “Jane I like you and I’m pretty sure you like me too” lol like take your pick son.. If she responds favorably great. Get to know each other romantically If she starts to get all stupid about it then ignore her behind and go on about your life That’s literally all you have to do
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 yeah fair. I feel like that's what I've done already. Just going to leave it now. Probably more trouble than it's worth. 1
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