Is it a good idea to call someone out on mixed signals?

[jeremyjacobs]

I've been getting very mixed signals from a woman who I've known for a long time. In the past she all but forced me to have sex with her, and often puts herself in front of me but then acts contemptuously and ambiguously. I don't know what to make of her vibe, so I told her I wanted to see her. She declined, saying she 'didn't think our feelings matched', which again was annoyingly cryptic, so I pushed her to be clearer with me, and she got very defensive.

 

Any other girl I'd have given up long ago, but I've known her 25 years and will probably know her for the rest of my life, so I think I'm justified in asking her to be clearer. I don't really care if this is interpreted as needy, its more a case of pride/self-respect, and a desire to let her know that I won't tolerate being messed around and toyed with. She can do it all she wants to other guys but I think its a bit much to do it to me.

[d0nnivain]

Calling somebody out is hostile. So no I don't think you should do that. Of course you absolutely should ask her to clarify her mixed signals. However, I don't see them as being mixed. She wants what she wants on her terms with no regard for anybody else's feelings. I'd steer clear; be polite but stop dancing to her tune

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, you could ask her to be clear but that doesn't mean you'll get a straight answer.

 

Let her behaviour do the talking. It's up to whether you want to continue participating.

[jeremyjacobs]

Calling somebody out is hostile. So no I don't think you should do that. Of course you absolutely should ask her to clarify her mixed signals. However, I don't see them as being mixed. She wants what she wants on her terms with no regard for anybody else's feelings. I'd steer clear; be polite but stop dancing to her tune

 

Well yeah, maybe not call her out, but rather I just asked her 'let me ask you, what do you think my feelings are?' - I expected that, given we're old friends she mgiht be a bit more open to a conversation but her defensiveness and rudeness was very jarring. It was always my suspicion that she was jsut doing whatever the hell she wanted with no regard for my feelings, which I don't deserve, so naturally I felt a bit slighted. She told me to 'just get over it'. I don't think its right to just take that on the chin. Doesn't do much for my dignity.

[d0nnivain]

Personally I'd just walk away from her, the longevity of your friendship notwithstanding. If she comes back then you can talk to her about her rudeness but otherwise don't waste your breath. She seems to self absorbed to care.

[jeremyjacobs]

Personally I'd just walk away from her, the longevity of your friendship notwithstanding. If she comes back then you can talk to her about her rudeness but otherwise don't waste your breath. She seems to self absorbed to care.

 

well, the thing is, after she said that, I just said wow, so rude, and then said that I thought it might be a good idea to just suck it up and talk considering we have fam to think about, but now I've totally gone off that idea.

 

A real shame that some people can be so lacking in empathy, but that's just life I guess. The best I could ever have hoped for with her was a drunken bang and I got that, so I guess nothing lost nothing gained.

[Curiousroxy86]

Listen you can do whatever you want but it doesn’t mean your going to get the answer you want

 

The fact you known her for 25 years I can see why you would just call her out but my question is did you get the answer your looking for?

 

If not and assuming you didn’t read her wrong and she is not the actual me too victim...

 

then you more than likely dealing with someone who is a tease, plays games, or acts hot and cold. They want your attention/reaction but may not want nothing more than that.

 

Three things you can do dealing with her and people like that for future reference

 

A) leave her alone/remove your presence all together/ignore when they go cold after they pulled you in hot. For example she flirts, you take the bait and show interest, she says not interested, fine leave her alone, if she flirts again don’t bite the bait. Ignore. You teach people better with your actions not your words especially if all she wanted was your attention/reaction anyway. This better says no tolerance then “heeey what’s your deal”. Especially if her response ends up gas lightish.

 

If you can’t for some reason go no contact such as work or in the same circles where you see her then..

 

B) when she flirts say “not interested” and focus on doing whatever it was your doing. Don’t give her the attention she seeks. If she comes at you in a manner that you approve whether it’s professional or respectful or cordial then you can give her your attention accordingly in the moments you have to

 

When you deflat their ego like that after they first pull that mess 1 of three things happen

 

1) they will slink away and try it pull that on some other poor chap with their empty charm

 

2) if they really do like you they may come correct (don’t expect this but if it happens it’s your choice whether to give them a chance or not)

 

3) they would get aggressive with their flirtations out of pride in which you may have to remove your presence/block/report them for sexual harassment. Extreme case

 

But most of the time if their intentions had no real substance they will just go away and do it to someone else and since you called her out she may very well not try to flirt again

 

So calling them out is something you can do and it’s not wrong per se. if you got an answer great. you just can’t make them give you an answer and if you push any further you would be creating a very dangerousness me too situation she could use against you even if she was the one who started unfortunately

[Fekenaws]

I think calling her out is probably the worst possible move you can make. I know you're going to hate hearing this, but regardless of how long or well you know a woman, they are all severely unattracted to "weakness". If you call her out on her (admittedly annoying) behavior, you WILL signal to her that you are emotionally vulnerable and weak. The best thing for you to do would be to do the opposite of what you are proposing: give her space and stay away from her. Once you aren't in her life anymore and you don't appear for a while, she will become curious and reach out to you.

[kendahke]

I've been getting very mixed signals from a woman who I've known for a long time. In the past she all but forced me to have sex with her, and often puts herself in front of me but then acts contemptuously and ambiguously. I don't know what to make of her vibe, so I told her I wanted to see her. She declined, saying she 'didn't think our feelings matched', which again was annoyingly cryptic, so I pushed her to be clearer with me, and she got very defensive.

 

Any other girl I'd have given up long ago, but I've known her 25 years and will probably know her for the rest of my life, so I think I'm justified in asking her to be clearer. I don't really care if this is interpreted as needy, its more a case of pride/self-respect, and a desire to let her know that I won't tolerate being messed around and toyed with. She can do it all she wants to other guys but I think its a bit much to do it to me.

 

Seriously, are women that thin on the ground where you are that you're going to put up with stupidity from her just because you knew her for 25 years?

 

There is something about her that keeps you hooked into and feeding her drama.

 

You don't need for her to be clearer. She's showing/telling you exactly where you stand--you just don't want to hear it. You're an amusement to her, not a long-term boyfriend. Never were. If you weren't, 25 years wouldn't have sped by in a blur with you still not anywhere near being on the same page.

 

If you want her to understand what you won't tolerate, then make yourself scarce. Otherwise, it's just you whinging for attention again.

[kendahke]

Well yeah, maybe not call her out, but rather I just asked her 'let me ask you, what do you think my feelings are?' - I expected that, given we're old friends she mgiht be a bit more open to a conversation but her defensiveness and rudeness was very jarring.

 

Mistake #1--unrealistic expectations are future resentments under construction.

 

It was always my suspicion that she was jsut doing whatever the hell she wanted with no regard for my feelings, which I don't deserve, so naturally I felt a bit slighted.

 

Why? She's not even your girlfriend. Just a chick you've been orbiting for 25 years. Do you go this HAM with your boys, too?

 

She told me to 'just get over it'

 

Ok I see--this is about you wanting to control how she esteems you and her not letting you dictate that to her--which is really a non issue when you consider you can just leave her alone. She's right--you do need to get over it and find someone else to cast as your romantic partner--she's letting you know she ain't that one.

 

. I don't think its right to just take that on the chin. Doesn't do much for my dignity.

No, you need to just take it on the chin. What exactly are you going to do? Force her to do something she has no intention on doing? Think about that. What can you do to force her to your will that won't land you in orange pajamas courtesy of the county jail?

 

Your dignity is for you to manage and you don't put it in harms way of your own volition if you have any regard for it. It's not for her to manage, resolve, coddle, assuage or anything else.

 

She's not sending mixed signals, not from what you've written here. She's been quite clear for 25 years that she's off on some other stuff that you're not on. You not wanting to accept this is where your mixed signals are coming from--a total unforced error on your part.

Edited June 3, 2019 by kendahke

[PRW]

I've been getting very mixed signals from a woman who I've known for a long time. In the past she all but forced me to have sex with her,

When a guy gets "mixed signals it is almost always the guy's fault. When a guy does his job properly the woman will know what she wants. The most common failing of the guy in this situation is a lack of leadership and self-respect. She is frustrated and turned off by by your passivity and your waiting for her to take the lead. Her past behavor of her having to nearly force you to have sex with her is probably one of her primary frustrations,...and is from her perspective,...behavor that although she felt she "had to",...she may feel "dirty" or "low" afterwards and makes it hard for her to respect herself.

 

.....[she] often puts herself in front of me but then acts contemptuously and ambiguously.

More of the same thing,...and same result,...as I stated above. She puts herself in front of you,...and then you let her rather than assert yourself.

 

I don't know what to make of her vibe, so I told her I wanted to see her. She declined, saying she 'didn't think our feelings matched', which again was annoyingly cryptic, so I pushed her to be clearer with me, and she got very defensive.

She got defensive because her having to drive everything for you makes her feel low, and after 25 years she was hoping that you'd figure it out.

 

Any other girl I'd have given up long ago, but I've known her 25 years and will probably know her for the rest of my life, so I think I'm justified in asking her to be clearer. I don't really care if this is interpreted as needy, its more a case of pride/self-respect, and a desire to let her know that I won't tolerate being messed around and toyed with. She can do it all she wants to other guys but I think its a bit much to do it to me.

The 25 years doesn't buy you anything. It may even make it worse. If she didn't know you very well she might cut you more slack, but after 25 years she expects you to get it together.. If you don't care that your response makes you seem needy,...then you need to start caring because neediness is a symptom of the problem.

 

If it not possible in a forum message like this to teach someone to take the lead, be secure, solid, and on their game. All I can do is point out the mistakes that I see happening and hope that you can work toward correcting the behavor. The criticisms are meant to give you something positive to work towards.

[crispytoast]

No. It's only a good idea if you want them to lose all respect for you and write you off forever.

[alphamale]

say nothing, do nothing

[Tamfana]

People don't open up to people who don't open up to them.

 

Be clear about your feelings toward her and she's more likely to be clearer about her feelings.

 

But honestly, why would you want to be with someone who all but forced you to have sex? That's horrible.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I wouldn't. The answer to mixed signals is to stop responding to any signals. From experience when you call someone out on mixed signals, they deny that anything is wrong.

[frus69]

No. It's only a good idea if you want them to lose all respect for you and write you off forever.

 

Why would he even want to be with any of them anyway? He should have lost respect for them long time ago.

OP do you not have your answers and you have to ask? Really? Because it's crystal clear to me that they are time wasters

[basil67]

Jeremy, it would be helpful if I knew your goal. Do you want a relationship with her - or do you want her to back off?

[Lotsgoingon]

Well yeah, maybe not call her out, but rather I just asked her 'let me ask you, what do you think my feelings are?' - I expected that, given we're old friends she mgiht be a abit more open to a conversation but her defensiveness and rudeness was very jarring. It was always my suspicion that she was jsut doing whatever the hell she wanted with no regard for my feelings, which I don't deserve, so naturally I felt a bit slighted. She told me to 'just get over it'. I don't think its right to just take that on the chin. Doesn't do much for my dignity.

 

She doesn't owe you anything. And certainly not an intimate relationship of any kind. She's given you clear signals. Mixed signals are clear signals of not really interested, not a healthy person for you to go out with, not a reliable or reasonable person to invest long-term hopes in.

 

Dignity comes from the way you treat yourself--the way you frame what's happening. You mistreated yourself when you continued to interact with her and invest hope in her--despite feeling mistreated. Did she have a gun to your head? If not, YOU are responsible for staying with a person who isn't good for you and not taking a stand and for not keeping your distance.

 

Frame it as she's "mistreating" you--as if you are only the result of how SHE behaves--and you're a victim.

 

Frame it as she's an unreliable, fickle, confusing person to be with--someone who doesn't give me what I want in a relationship, someone I want to keep distance from--and you got all the dignity you want.

Edited June 3, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[Gretchen12]

No, not a good idea to "call her out" on this one. Reason is people rarely think "hmm... let me send him mixed signals to confuse him." She may be ambivalent and feelings can change as things happen. You can tell her the specific events that confuse you but what you call signals are still your interpretation. The calling out is an accusation and nothing good can come from it, so what would be the point?

[crispytoast]

Why would he even want to be with any of them anyway? He should have lost respect for them long time ago.

OP do you not have your answers and you have to ask? Really? Because it's crystal clear to me that they are time wasters

I guess it's more about maintaining one's dignity. Calling her out won't get the desired effect for OP and in the end he's likely just going to feel quite stupid when he realizes she doesn't give a damn either way.

[todreaminblue]

if you want a fight you call someone out ....if you want a discussion you ask and ...discuss.....

 

im sorry she is giving you mixed signals...and what disturbs me most is you say forced to have sex meaning you werent really consenting.....you felt forced....and thats not right...it is disrespectful nor should there even be entertaining the idea of forcing someone to comply

 

not

 

when you supposedly truly care for someone.....

 

in saYING THAT...she doesnt truly care for you......

 

to do what she has done...why do you want to be with her when deep down you know this disrespectful side of her with you?......dont let her treat you that way.....

 

 

talk to her discuss everything ...communicate your desire to be open and honest and for her to be open and honest with you on her exact feelings.... but most of all ...discuss that you need to be treated with respect if the relationship is to continue at all........best wishes...deb

[jeremyjacobs]

OK - I feel like calling out was probably the wrong phrase to use. Probably also - forced to have sex. I consented, of course, but because I am superficially attracted to her and wanted to get laid, but up to that point the initiation was 100% her. I was a bit reluctant at first because I know she's a bit of a mad one anyway.

 

It wasn't til later that she started turning up to things I was at, and behaving in a silly/deliberately confusing way that I wondered if she had feelings beyond that, and was perhaps a little frustrated that I wasn't reciprocating.

 

I asked her to meet me because we've known eachother for a long time and I felt like maybe clearing the air was a good idea, but tbh it really was something I could have taken or left.

 

 

Up to now she has made every move, and given me a lot to read in to, so when she continued being cryptic/reticent, I pushed her to be a bit clearer. This is what I mean by 'calling her out' - I know it would never be a good idea to be confrontational/hostile.

 

The fact that she got defensive/rude with me rather than being relaxed and open totally put me off the idea of trying to clear the air with her and that's what I told her. I don't have any intention of getting back in touch with her - she's pure trouble.

[Lotsgoingon]

Up to now she has made every move, and given me a lot to read in to, so when she continued being cryptic/reticent, I pushed her to be a bit clearer. This is what I mean by 'calling her out' - I know it would never be a good idea to be confrontational/hostile.

 

Her being cryptic. Next time. Stop. Right there. She can't be clear--stop. Just like if you were talking to a businessman asking you to invest in a deal ... and the business person gets cryptic. Your alarms go off. Something shady is going on ... Same here!

 

BTW: You don't want to date someone just because they have expressed an interest in you, even if they express a strong interest. I've done that, and it's never worked out ... One thing I've realized is dating someone just because THEY are interested puts you on unstable ground. You're not really in alignment with your feelings. It's like you're trying to take a shortcut by going out with someone interest in you.

 

And ... when they lose interest (and they usually will because you aren't really interested in them) you totally feel like a fool because you didn't really like them in the first place. You twisted and contorted yourself ... for no good reason. Date only people YOU really want to be with. Period!

[The Outlaw]

No relationship is worth this much hassle. She cares only for herself, and that should key you in on what to do. Speak to her if you wish, but it will do very little if anything.

[jeremyjacobs]

UPDATE:

 

To recap, A long time fam friend of mine and I slept together over christmas last year, which she initiated. I got the feeling it was a one time thing, but in order to feel it out I asked her if she wanted to join some friends and me on a night out, which she politely declined. I took it as a 'let's just stay friends', and didn't follow up. She then came along to a trip and brought up the NIQ, and I told her it was a bit of fun, and was what it was. She seemed a little indignant, and started acting a little contemptuously. I felt that my playing it down might've left her feeling deflated, so I asked her if she wanted to do something one on one - a departure from our normal friendship sure, but she had already taken it to a sexual place. She responded curtly saying 'not sure feelings/intentions match' and that it was easier to hang out all together. I agreed and accepted, but asked her what she thought my feelings were. Her response was defensive and rude, and I told her that that put me off the idea anyway. A few months went by, and we saw each other again at a family do last week.

 

She started off the day not talking to me, which I thought was just plain silly. I ddidn't rise to it and just stayed centred and self-assured. Later in the day, I caught her stealing glances, and flashed her a smile as if to say 'you're being a bit silly' - she tried to hide her smile and looked away quickly. She spent the rest of the day making little digs, and generally seeking attention. When time came for her to leave she came over to give me a hug and said goodbye, I said 'you haven't said hello to me yet!', she laughed and was on her way.

 

My feeling is that this girl likes me, but she's frustrated that I don't worship the ground she walks on. She's very beautiful so I'm sure she's used to getting that kind of supply from guys, but for me, reciprocity is key and I'll never be a compliant admirer to that kind of personality. I'm not a bad looking guy myself - I'm certain that she likes me and is pretending not to, treating me with contempt because I haven't told her how amazing I think she is. Yes, you'll probably say this sounds conceited but I'm only going off my gut. I don't intend to chase her but I guarantee she'll put herself in my eyeline again before too long. Shall I just carry on doing what I'm doing, that is, staying grounded but subtly letting her know that her silliness isn't getting to me?