ZA Dater Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 (edited) Ok so I matched with her on Tinder on the Thursday, chatted most of Thursday night and seemed good, we ended up meeting up on the Friday evening for a dinner. Now I don't normally do dinner dates anymore but the place I chose was quite trendy, different type of menu where you essentially order a whole lot of dishes and share from those. This proved to be a good idea. Anyway she lives quite far away, I asked if she wanted the date to be closer to her and she said it was ok she would drive. Greeting was good and I did my best to hide any sort of awkwardness and instead project confidence. Conversation was good and we got along well, she laughed quite a lot. She is 35, has been married, spouse passed away tragically. She is educated, studying a masters degree and she is fairly photogenic. However, there isn't a lot of common ground. We agreed to have another date but when it came to arranging that she was busy helping a friend move. We are still chatting but I don't really see another date anytime soon to be honest, she wants to apparently move slowly, I am ok with that. I did get a kiss at the end of this date which was quite nice, I had to initiate that, perhaps one of the few times I did take a chance on a date. So all in all a lot of positive here but she lives a long way away and as nice as this date was I am not sure. Fundamentally I need someone where I have things in common, not sure why I am like this but I simply need that glue. Will try for another date with her. Just not sure overall she lives a long way away and I not so convinced she is into me. Maybe I just expect too much from the overall dating experience. Edited June 3, 2019 by ZA Dater 1
basil67 Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 Hi ZA, glad you had a win. Sounds like you had Tapas style dinner. I love share plate meals like that. Would have been a definite winner for me. And good that you gave her a kiss. I'm curious as to the distance. You said she lives quite far away - but she drove to you, So it can't be too far away. I'm not sure what kind of commonality you're looking for - because a couple really doesn't need a lot. Hubby and I have very little in common, but get along really well regardless. Apparently you both like Tapas meals, so that's already one thing in common. And you're both educated, so there's that too. Honestly, if you can both take interest in each other's lives, you don't need to be peas in a pod. Stay positive. 1
frus69 Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 she is fairly photogenic? What's that supposed to mean..that she doesnt look as good in person? 1
crispytoast Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 (edited) Hey at least you kissed her at the end. My first ever tinder dates when I was younger I brought my date back to my house we're in my room and I didn't even kiss her and she would leave after like 10 minutes. This happened a few times and I asked my housemate what I was doing wrong why didn't she shoot me a signal and he is like "You fool! She came back to the house, that WAS the signal!" *face palm* I never heard back from any of them. The next woman I took on a date I corrected my mistake I won't go into details A lady friend of mine showed me a meme once that always stuck with me, it went: "I want you to take me out on a date, treat me like a lady, and then try to get me into your bed afterward like a gentleman." The woman you brought out drove far to see you mate. I get the feeling she had a little more in mind than a kiss at the end, she sure as hell wasn't going into the night thinking I hope I drive far twice tonight and was disappointed by the outcome. I could be wrong but that she blew off planning the next date because she was "helping her friend move" (bruv I've gotten that exact phrase, this is code for there's no second date) sort of reinforces my theory. I hope I'm wrong but if I were you I wouldnt hold my breath. Keep swiping mate. Edited June 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 The problem with modern dating is that the other person is expected to fit perfectly like a glove from day 1. If not, it's Next! She took time out to go on a date with YOU instead of someone else, drove all that way to and from, made the effort to be pleasant--only to get picked apart and over-analyzed in return for her efforts. Smh. 2
Saracena Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 /I] A lady friend of mine showed me a meme once that always stuck with me, it went: "I want you to take me out on a date, treat me like a lady, and then try to get me into your bed afterward like a f**king gentleman.". Eh? On a first date? No way. Way too fast- I would think all you were after was sex!
crispytoast Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 (edited) Well it's a meme it's meant to be funny and not necessarily meant to be taken literally. Also though Tinder is notoriously intended for people who are trying to get laid. That doesn't mean everyone there is trying to have sex on the first date but most everyone has a situation in their head where they would. People who are looking for something more serious tend to use other forms of OLD like Bumble or OkCupid. Moving past the meme because it wasn't my point. As the man in the situation, if you don't have some sort of plan for after the date, you're blowing it in my opinion. It doesn't have to be trying to get your date naked but take her for ice cream, go on a walk to a garden nearby and pick her a flower, anything that is more than just whatever activity you had planned because if you do that it is boring and predictable. Dinner and then kiss her and walk to a nearby place for dessert and you have a whole walk plus a whole dessert to keep flirting and snogging. If you do that she certainly isn't going to put off planning the second date to help her friend move. Just sayin. OP keep talking to her if you really liked her and think there's something in the future but I am willing to bet she is setting up other dates in the meantime. Taking it slowly in the Tinder world is shopping around to see what else is out there. If she was really into it she would've been excited to plan the next date. Sorry to be pessimistic. Edited June 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 Well done you. That kiss is a huge step forward. A foundation stone laid...
Author ZA Dater Posted June 3, 2019 Author Posted June 3, 2019 (edited) Well done you. That kiss is a huge step forward. A foundation stone laid... It was a good date but the issue is distance, its 1 hour away which wouldn't be such an issue if it were not fact the fact you need to travel along one of the most dangerous roads in SA, more so at night. I need to decide how much I actually want this and weigh that against the expectations she might have. At the moment I am incredibly project heavy so time is really at a premium, make no mistake I like these projects but they consume huge amounts of time. For me I don't want to lead her on and then the whole thing falls apart. Edited June 3, 2019 by ZA Dater
chillii Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 (edited) It was a good date but the issue is distance, its 1 hour away which wouldn't be such an issue if it were not fact the fact you need to travel along one of the most dangerous roads in SA, more so at night. I need to decide how much I actually want this and weigh that against the expectations she might have. At the moment I am incredibly project heavy so time is really at a premium, make no mistake I like these projects but they consume huge amounts of time. For me I don't want to lead her on and then the whole thing falls apart. But what , and yet she drove it to date you , and back , jesus, marry her. ps , and at your age with no luck ever in your life, your worried now about projects, za za za Edited June 3, 2019 by chillii 2
Foxhall Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 yes glad you had a more positive dating experience! well done.
normal person Posted June 4, 2019 Posted June 4, 2019 I don't have much interest in this forum anymore, but just came back on a whim and had to log in to say well done, hopefully it works out for you.
rightondude Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 good for you, any progress is good progress brother
basil67 Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 If she's brave enough to drive those roads at night, perhaps you could match her in bravery. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted June 5, 2019 Author Posted June 5, 2019 But what , and yet she drove it to date you , and back , jesus, marry her. ps , and at your age with no luck ever in your life, your worried now about projects, za za za Conversation is still going but its sporadic at best which is ok. In am undecided about this, the distance for me is an issue of sorts which I suppose some will say is immaterial. Maybe I will try but I am not going to lead her on as I mentioned there doesn't seem to be much "glue". I'd love to know how people date people where there aren't any common interests, how do you connect with the person if you have nothing in common?
Grey40 Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 Conversation is still going but its sporadic at best which is ok. In am undecided about this, the distance for me is an issue of sorts which I suppose some will say is immaterial. Maybe I will try but I am not going to lead her on as I mentioned there doesn't seem to be much "glue". I'd love to know how people date people where there aren't any common interests, how do you connect with the person if you have nothing in common? You need to give it more than one date man, especially considering that the first date went really well. Just because you didn't find common ground on the first date doesn't mean it's totally dead. First dates both people are a little nervous and hold back a lot their true feelings and thoughts about things. You'll learn more about her on the second date because she'll be more comfortable. See how that goes first before second guessing it. As you said, dates usually don't go that well for you, so don't stomp on one that does so quickly. 1
basil67 Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 I'd love to know how people date people where there aren't any common interests, how do you connect with the person if you have nothing in common? Unless one of you is only able to talk about their own narrow interest range, there should not be "nothing in common". As we saw earlier, both of you like Tapas and are educated, that's already commonality. If you both like Tapas, then you could perhaps build on trying other restaurants and nice foods. While you're out, you continue getting to know each other. You may find that you both went to see X band during the 90's. Or that you both share a similar sense of humour. Or perhaps one of you will mention a hobby or experience that the other would like to try. Or simply learn more about something they are passionate about. (I taught hubby how to use an SLR camera. He led me to love skiing. We both loved body surfing) I've said this before, but the art of conversation is being able to bullsh*t. It's to be able to have something to either say or ask about lots of things. And so I present my BS Alphabet Challenge: Give me a topic on everything from A to Z that you could talk about. I will give you a head start: (This is unplanned, everything is off the top of my head as I type) A - Animals....Pets? Favourite pet you've owned. Do you have pets? Oh and there was that time a panicked cat diarrhoeaed over my shoulder in the car. Laughs. (being able to poke fun at situations you've been in is good too) B - Books. I currently reading a fiction book set in Medieval England. Plague times.....there's so much to talk about with either books or history C - Crepes. I don't know why I thought of that. But I could talk on how I'm starting to master the art of making crepes...or about cooking in general. D - Disability. I work in the sector and am a carer. I also have quite a bit to say on the subject on Governments and their disability budgets E - Eggs. Here we go back to food. Or my chickens. Pets! F - Flatmates. Wow, I've got some stories there. All good stories too. Except for the pubic hair one flatmate left all over the bathroom. I swear he was moulting. Get the idea? This is how to make conversation. Your turn: G. Times starts now! 2
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 Very true basil. I’ll play... G - golf. I like to golf, do you ZAdater? Do you have beautiful courses in SA? H - I’m from Canada. We like hockey here. Our professional hockey team cam back to our city a few years ago. You have never had as much fun as going to a game - so loud and exciting. I’d love to take you sometime... I - Iceland. A country I would love to travel someday. Do you like travel, where have you been... where do you want to travel? I have long said this is one the things my job has done for me - I can talk about almost anything, with almost anyone. You just need to be curious about people and the world. You also need to be willing to open up and share a little about yourself...
basil67 Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 Bailey, you’re from Canada? We Aussies consider you lot as cousins because of similar attitudes. Though I do wonder how you golf in winter. And how do to greens stay alive? Speaking of travel, I’d love to ski Canada. Perhaps Banff. Do you ski? See how it works ZA?
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 Bailey, you’re from Canada? We Aussies consider you lot as cousins because of similar attitudes. Though I do wonder how you golf in winter. And how do to greens stay alive? Speaking of travel, I’d love to ski Canada. Perhaps Banff. Do you ski? See how it works ZA? Oh basil, we don’t golf in the winter. It is a short golf season, but we have beautiful courses in Canada. I’ve always wanted to golf in the mountains. It’s on my bucket list. Yes, I do ski. You should come to Canada - beautiful skiing at Lake Louise, Whistler, and I’ve skied at Vail. Lol. Let me tell you the story of the day we skied in Vail and I forgot my sunscreen... I don’t think my face has ever been so badly sunburned. When you come to Canada to ski, you should definitely go to a hockey game - I promise you, it will be fun! I’m sure that ZAdater has beautiful golf courses too in SA. There are so a number of very good professional golf players from SA, they must learn somewhere. Have you ever seen snow ZAdater? Have you ever tried skiing... 1
Author ZA Dater Posted June 5, 2019 Author Posted June 5, 2019 (edited) Very true basil. I’ll play... Very clever idea! Don't know what it is about me but I could ask you a lot of questions based on the above, perhaps my inherent interest in other countries, different ways of life. Its not as easy to become that interested in locals here, which I realise sounds incredibly stupid. Take the blond Swede I met up with, besides the fact she was gorgeous, I found her way of life different to mine, her outlook different to mine. Thanks Basil because I will actually try this because I think this letter idea is quite clever and sort of works with my analytical way of trying to do things. I actually did take someone from Iceland on a date once, very interesting person with a very unique outlook on big cities and so called western life. Again I am somewhat lost as to what I want to accomplish with dating, maybe this is my problem from the outset, maybe the other one is simply being too set on chasing wow. In wow I mean, simply people who are different. I'll try meet up with her again this weekend (week days/evenings are impossible for me). Again what do I do, another dinner? I contemplated taking her to a club event but I am not sure I like her enough to do that. My BIGGEST problem though is the fact I always seem to like what I cant have a lot more than what I can have. The riding instructor, we do have things in common, yes she friend zoned me after date one and told me "you must get experience" yet even after that I still like the idea of her. Edited June 5, 2019 by ZA Dater
Author ZA Dater Posted June 5, 2019 Author Posted June 5, 2019 Whistler Apparently incredibly beautiful based on pictures I have seen. I have actually seen, snow, attempted to dive into it, my mistake it was probably only 20cm thick so the outcome involved a very muddied face.
chillii Posted June 5, 2019 Posted June 5, 2019 Mateeee, you'd probably just love a relationship like most people no rocket science needed. Anyway , you've still done incredibly well with all these women at least you know you can get dates you'd have to nail someone great sooner or later at this rate. And yeah l agree with basi the in common stuff is only an obvious place to start but it's not be all end all, you could click with anyone, happens all the time.
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