john9999 Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 I’ve been dating a girl since October. We basically live together at this point, as spend all of our free time together and every night together. Early in our relationship she mentioned this guy who doesn’t live here in our city but he is randomly in town from time to time. She said when he visited he usually would stay with her and They had a sexual relationship. A mutual friend introduced them a few years ago and they have never lived in the same place but usually add one another and sleep with each other when they are in the same place. Now, fast forward to present day. I have bee. Dating this girl since October (as I said). I went to a baseball game with my friend. So I was Gone with him all day. Randomly during the game I called her to say hi because I went to the bathroom and was thinking about her. She answered and said she was a little busy because she was having coffee with a friend who was in town. I asked who it was, she told me His name and it was this guy. I felt weird because she didn’t say anything about him visiting. It seems like if she was texting with him (obviously would have been over the days leading up to this meeting) that she would have told me. Something about it just seems dishonest. That evening, she stayed at my apartment so it wasn’t until the following day that I was back at her place. When I went to be place she had cleaned and changed the sheets on the bed. They needed to be changed anyways but I just found it weird. She promises that the interaction with him was plutonic and totally safe but I just don’t know what to believe. Last night I brought it up to her again and told her I was having a hard time trusting her after that incident. Now she’s acting like Ive done something wrong by bringing it Up by saying that I had a couple of drinks when I brought it Up and said I was being “verbally aggressive” and now the whole focus is on me and not on her potentially being unfaithful (which she peomisss she was not). In my gut, I kind of believe her but I’m also a little unsure. Am I in the wrong? What should I do? This reminds me too much of me and my ex fiancé. She would do things that I think the average person would say were inappropriate. But in her mind they were not inappropriate. So we would get in these fights and have standoffs. Save yourself the trouble. A woman like this is never going to understand right from wrong.
crispytoast Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 OP should've just said "how was the sex?" really casually and when she gets mad and defensive go "hey no need to get upset, I'm not freaking out at you. I'm just curious how the sex was, were supposed to trust each other right? I don't see the big deal it's just sex.." Then watch her emotions cycle and the gears turn in her head 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 I would want to know, what is she getting out of hanging out with this guy? She doesn't understand boundaries. Maybe she didn't physically cheat, but she has emotionally cheated a little and she's acting shady. And from what you are describing, she probably would date this guy if they lived in the same city. So this isn't just some innocent platonic relationship. She's acting shady because yes you would get jealous and there's nothing wrong with being jealous here because that's disrespectful behavior. There is healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy. Unhealthy jealousy is say she goes out without you looking good and you become controlling and don't want her to have a life. Healthy jealousy is when your SO is blurring the boundaries about what it means to be in an exclusive, committed relationship. This is clearly the latter. If she went out shopping with her girlfriends and she found you met up with a girl you used to bang for a drink, and would date if she lived locally, what would she do? You're telling me she wouldn't be allowed to bring it up because you're just being jealous. Give me a break. When you are in a committed relationship with someone, the whole point is you are with that person and you cut out people you used to have sex with and date. You shouldn't WANT to do things that your SO would consider shady and you shouldn't WANT to do things that would invoke jealousy. Your SOs feelings should matter more than having coffee with another guy you used to bang. I wouldn't take her as serious because she doesn't understand the concept of boundaries and that line about verbal aggression sounds like new age feminist BS and that alone would be enough for me to lose interest in her as a long term woman to emotionally invest in. I'd want to know that as well...TBH I wouldn't want my man hanging out w/any girl he dated or had intimate relations w/. You can bet she'd be jealous if you hung out w/a past fwb situation. I was dating/talking to many guys when dating (not sleeping), but when I became exclusive all of them were told I wasn't interested. 1
crispytoast Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 I'd want to know that as well...TBH I wouldn't want my man hanging out w/any girl he dated or had intimate relations w/. You can bet she'd be jealous if you hung out w/a past fwb situation. I was dating/talking to many guys when dating (not sleeping)' date=' but when I became exclusive all of them were told I wasn't interested.[/quote'] Would she though? Not everyone is like that. I have close female friends that I've slept with that I would never in my life sleep with again but they are important to my life. I don't have a family life and my friends are all I have. If a partner of mine could not be friends with them or accept that they are a part of my life, guess who I'd kick out of my life? Not my friends. Because guess who is still going to be there if my girlfriend does shady things and f**ks up the relationship. My friends. I had a life before I was with SO and if she can't respect that and trust me to be faithful, my life after my SO will begin. It's not about the ex-FWB's feelings over my SO's feelings, it's my own feelings over her feelings. I'm not defending OPs girlfriend. There's way more red flags than the coffee date that make the coffee date not ok that were around when he started dating her. I think most everyone in this thread can agree on that. Would she care if he was talking to an ex or going to hang out with an ex? I doubt she would be worried, she already doesn't have much respect for him as it is and she probably would assume he doesn't have it in him to cheat on her. And even if he did, it would give her the justification to do anything she wants to do. 2
doyathinkso Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 Unannounced meet up with **** buddy Happens on a day you're out Changes the bed sheets the same day Deflects when you feel like something's up What benefit of the doubt could there possibly be? DANGER Will Robinson!! Danger! Danger! Oh ..... too late. Go find a body-bag to put your relationship into. 1
crispytoast Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 DANGER Will Robinson!! Danger! Danger! Oh ..... too late. Go find a body-bag to put your relationship into. Cold I wish LS allowed memes.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 (edited) Well you didn’t go into detail on how you approached the situation to her because there could be some truth that you didn’t tell us about this “verbal aggression” she is accusing you of However You do have the right to be suspicious. If I had a boyfriend who told me about a friends with benefits some time ago and all the sudden I find out he had lunch/coffee/dinner (whatever) with her and he didn’t say anything to me about it beforehand I would have a problem with that. I more than likely would let him go. But that’s just me. She doesn’t see a problem. You have to know that. You have to accept your girlfriend is okay with going to hang out with a guy she use to have sex with and not tell you. If you can accept that and trust that she is not doing dirt then all you can do is let it go. If you cannot accept and trust then you have to let her go. In case you did come at her wrong with accusations and maybe some yelling and maybe some name calling well for future reference when your trying to resolve a conflict or get down to the bottom of something people will not respond well to that kind of behavior and even if they are in the wrong being aggressive will either have them focus on your agresssion and turn it around on you instead of taking accountability, they will shut down and won’t want to talk to you, they will walk/run away, or respond with aggression. I mean the best thing you could have done was calmly state your concern/boundary in a respectful but firm way and see how she responds then make your decision what to do about her, the relationship, and what was said after that. No need to argue. If you did come at her respectfully but she gas light the eff out of you then I would simply breakup Good luck Edited June 3, 2019 by Curiousroxy86
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 It's not about the ex-FWB's feelings over my SO's feelings, it's my own feelings over her feelings. What many people need to understand about dating/relationships in general “Why did he do this” “Why did she do that” “Do they not see how this makes me feel” It’s not about right or wrong. People do what they want. All you can do is state your boundaries/how you feel/what you want and if the person is willing to agree great. If not well now all you can do is either accept it or leave. 4
crispytoast Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 For sure and I understand that. I guess I'm trying to offer some alternate perspective, that's all.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 For sure and I understand that. I guess I'm trying to offer some alternate perspective, that's all. Oh nothing against you. You said it perfectly. This applies not only to Ops situation but any situation where there is conflict in the relationship. Many people don’t consider that simple fact when they have a relationship problem The person who feels “wronged” is consumed with their own feelings and that within itself is not wrong and it’s normal however if they go to their partner about it and the partner does not agree or does not want to give what the other “wronged” partner wants it’s futile to argue further. If you push the issue unfortunately Your not respecting the other partners answer In the example you gave your SO don’t need to try to argue and get you to stop seeing an ex fwb. That’s your stance. That’s what you want. She have to accept or leave your behind lol. And as you already stated you wouldn’t accept any person who respects that boundary you set for yourself anyway In Ops case I don’t know the full extent of what was said but if he wants the gf to not see that guy anymore And she rejects that idea welp nothing more for him to talk about. He has a decision to make. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 (edited) Would she care if he was talking to an ex or going to hang out with an ex? I doubt she would be worried, she already doesn't have much respect for him as it is and she probably would assume he doesn't have it in him to cheat on her. And even if he did, it would give her the justification to do anything she wants to do. Why hide it though? Edited June 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
crispytoast Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 That was one of the red flags I don't think I specified that though. A coffee date by itself could've been innocent but the way she went about it plus everything else about their relationship makes it not seem at all innocent 1
usa1ah Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 She should have been up front with you about seeing her fwb. This is shady man and you have every right to be bothered by it. Cheaters lie and deflect. Her going after you for her shady behavior speaks louder then anything else.
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