thr1986 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 I’ve been dating a girl since October. We basically live together at this point, as spend all of our free time together and every night together. Early in our relationship she mentioned this guy who doesn’t live here in our city but he is randomly in town from time to time. She said when he visited he usually would stay with her and They had a sexual relationship. A mutual friend introduced them a few years ago and they have never lived in the same place but usually add one another and sleep with each other when they are in the same place. Now, fast forward to present day. I have bee. Dating this girl since October (as I said). I went to a baseball game with my friend. So I was Gone with him all day. Randomly during the game I called her to say hi because I went to the bathroom and was thinking about her. She answered and said she was a little busy because she was having coffee with a friend who was in town. I asked who it was, she told me His name and it was this guy. I felt weird because she didn’t say anything about him visiting. It seems like if she was texting with him (obviously would have been over the days leading up to this meeting) that she would have told me. Something about it just seems dishonest. That evening, she stayed at my apartment so it wasn’t until the following day that I was back at her place. When I went to be place she had cleaned and changed the sheets on the bed. They needed to be changed anyways but I just found it weird. She promises that the interaction with him was plutonic and totally safe but I just don’t know what to believe. Last night I brought it up to her again and told her I was having a hard time trusting her after that incident. Now she’s acting like Ive done something wrong by bringing it Up by saying that I had a couple of drinks when I brought it Up and said I was being “verbally aggressive” and now the whole focus is on me and not on her potentially being unfaithful (which she peomisss she was not). In my gut, I kind of believe her but I’m also a little unsure. Am I in the wrong? What should I do?
Author thr1986 Posted June 2, 2019 Author Posted June 2, 2019 I apologize for all of the typos. I wrote this on my iPhone and I didn’t proofread it for typos. 1
smackie9 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 My gut tells me nothing happened. My gut also tells me you are a jealous person, and she was avoiding any confrontation from you so she didn't tell you about it until after. So obviously you need to work on your jealousy and she needs to be more upfront. 2
gaius Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Nah, you're not in the wrong at all. What she did was incredibly shady. If I was ever dating a woman and my call caught her busy on a coffee date with some FWB that she never mentioned was in town that would be it for her and me. Have fun with that. If you really want to keep her I'd suggest sitting her down while you're sober and letting her know that coffee dates with FWB are out of bounds now. And don't let her turn it around on you. She's the one in the wrong. Even if they didn't have sex. 4
2much4 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Having coffee with an ex fwb who lives in another city is not too bad by itself, but not mentioning it beforehand is incredibly shady. 2
Author thr1986 Posted June 2, 2019 Author Posted June 2, 2019 The thing about it is that if I didn’t call, I probably never would have known about it. Ugh. Also, if you read my past posts about her she has asked me (early in the relationship, to fertilize an IVF egg that she’s independently going to transfer, etc...) there may be too many red flags with her.
Marc878 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Dating is a tryout. If don't like it move on. She's just a gf. An X in the mix is never a good thing. 1
LenaRea Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 OP, I can see this situation from multiple perspectives. On the one hand, I would definitely interpret it as duplicitous to find out the way you did. BUT, on the other hand, if something more than plutonic were going on I seriously doubt she would have answered the phone when you called. She also didn’t have to be honest about who she was with after she answered, if they were doing more than coffee. If she were cheating, she wouldn’t have been honest about it at all. I agree with a previous poster that perhaps you are a bit of a jealous person and that’s why she waited till it had to come out. It seems like you are looking for reasons to “prove” it happened - like with the changing of sheets. It’s incidental and doesn’t prove anything shady took place. I get the impression you’d have the identical thought if you went to her place and the sheets were not changed. Does it seem suspicious the way you found out, kind of during/after the fact, yes it does a bit. However, it also seems to me you are looking for bad behavior from her. If she’s given no reason to distrust her in the past then you’ve got no reason to find fault with her explanation or to disbelieve her now.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 The thing about it is that if I didn’t call, I probably never would have known about it. Ugh. Also, if you read my past posts about her she has asked me (early in the relationship, to fertilize an IVF egg that she’s independently going to transfer, etc...) there may be too many red flags with her. And yet, you're still here. I have read your previous threads. And yes, there have been significant red flags. You've more or less just gone along with it anyway, so I am not sure what sort of advice you're seeking now. Is she being shady about this? Yes, I think so. Are you going to overlook it and continue on with the relationship regardless? Yes, I think so. 2
Versacehottie Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 The thing about it is that if I didn’t call, I probably never would have known about it. Ugh. Also, if you read my past posts about her she has asked me (early in the relationship, to fertilize an IVF egg that she’s independently going to transfer, etc...) there may be too many red flags with her. Oh shoot, i didn't realize it was this situation/this girl. Ok I had a totally different answer in mind, i.e. basically that my gut is that it means nothing but that you should use this as an opportunity to express your expectations. I think it's fair that you would say I want to hear in advance that you are meeting up with someone that you used to be with. I don't think you should prohibit it, after all you are not her keeper, but communication is of the essence to gain trust. Now that i know it's IVF girl, i'm less trusting of her. Her whole approach is too much, super extra TBH, she's so out of bounds that it wouldn't surprise me if she had this guy impregnate her and have you claimed as the "father". My big question is does she change the sheet at these intervals? Or would it have been off schedule for her to do that? Sorry lots of red flags with this person. She strikes me as someone who does whatever to get what she wants and the people involved are just collateral damage if that's what end up happening.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 There is a way to bring up this issue without totally putting her on the defensive. On the other hand, I think you have the right to put her on the defensive. I'll be honest. I used to do this type of thing when I was younger (meet with an ex) while hiding it from current gf. I didn't cheat, but looking back, I had horrible boundaries. These days, I would mention any contact with an ex with my current gf well ahead of time, just in the normal course of things. And I would not invite an ex to my apartment. I'd meet in a very public place. And I'd bring up my current gf almost immediately at the start of the conversation.
Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 "She went to have coffee with someone she used to sleep with" I guess she wanted to be awake this time 3
central Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 If you are the jealous type, then I can see why she only told you after the fact. If you have not shown any signs of jealousy, then not telling you seems shady. Also, how much do you trust her? And do you have any basis to distrust her? (Other than concern over this incident?) If trust exists, then there should be no problem. For example, I just spent 5 days on vacation alone with a long-term ex-lover who is now a platonic friend. My wife approved - she trusts me. My friend has a new boyfriend (we introduced them). He trusts her, and me. We even shared a bed - but not sex. We are trying to persuade her and her boyfriend to move to a new area with us. Anyway, whether she is trustworthy or not will soon become clear, and then you'll know what to do. And unless you've previously discussed and agreed to mutual boundaries for behavior and past friends and lovers, you can only decide for yourself what to do.
TheFinalWord Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 I would want to know, what is she getting out of hanging out with this guy? She doesn't understand boundaries. Maybe she didn't physically cheat, but she has emotionally cheated a little and she's acting shady. And from what you are describing, she probably would date this guy if they lived in the same city. So this isn't just some innocent platonic relationship. She's acting shady because yes you would get jealous and there's nothing wrong with being jealous here because that's disrespectful behavior. There is healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy. Unhealthy jealousy is say she goes out without you looking good and you become controlling and don't want her to have a life. Healthy jealousy is when your SO is blurring the boundaries about what it means to be in an exclusive, committed relationship. This is clearly the latter. If she went out shopping with her girlfriends and she found you met up with a girl you used to bang for a drink, and would date if she lived locally, what would she do? You're telling me she wouldn't be allowed to bring it up because you're just being jealous. Give me a break. When you are in a committed relationship with someone, the whole point is you are with that person and you cut out people you used to have sex with and date. You shouldn't WANT to do things that your SO would consider shady and you shouldn't WANT to do things that would invoke jealousy. Your SOs feelings should matter more than having coffee with another guy you used to bang. I wouldn't take her as serious because she doesn't understand the concept of boundaries and that line about verbal aggression sounds like new age feminist BS and that alone would be enough for me to lose interest in her as a long term woman to emotionally invest in. 3
The Outlaw Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Cut her loose and move on. There are just too many red flags to ignore and continue with the relationship. If you can't trust her, then you really don't have anything at all. 1
Flame Aura Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 What possible reason is there for her to even meet him for a coffee? They used to be FWB, she is now in a relationship, there is no reason whatsoever for them to even still be in contact. She doesn't need him as a FWB or as a friend. The fact she didn't even tell you about it makes it even worse. If my girlfriend did this I would be ending things. 2
mark clemson Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 I remember you, OP. I hope the sex etc. has been memorable and you've had a fun STR with this messed up lady. Now, IMO, it's high time to move on. Let her yearn for her Euro-guy on her own time and not waste years of YOUR life secretly pining for him or whatever she does. Seriously. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Wondering OP if you think you are more insecure than normal about this situation because what she is offering you romantically is conditional???? Like the IVF/baby thing is omnipresent so it's got your unsure of what she really wants from you. If so, I think you are onto something. Some guys would be jealous/not like this situation no matter what however for you if you are feeling it a little more than you might otherwise, I'd say that is your gut speaking up AGAIN with this woman.
crispytoast Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Eh, if my ex passed through town, I'd want to grab coffee and platonically catch up. So your lady grabbing coffee with guy doesn't by itself raise red flags in a secure relationship. It's everything else that you mentioned before when you were posting about your lady that really raises red flags. We all told you not to waste time with this woman and you're still wasting time with this woman. If we tell you that she isnt trustworthy or that you're in the right, what are you going to do about it? Probably the same thing as you would do if we told you not to worry, which is stay with her. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 If I was ever dating a woman and my call caught her busy on a coffee date with some FWB that she never mentioned was in town that would be it for her and me. Ditto. Since you mentioned a previous thread that I vaguely recall, I did a quick search on all the threads you've started about this woman. It's abundantly obvious she isn't good gf/wife material, doesn't respect you, and most likely sees you as a walking wallet/beta provider. I'm sorry, man, but I predict that if you stick with her, you're going to end up deeply regretting it. The fact that you keep starting threads about her treating you like **** and are still with her is very concerning. If you marry her, you will taken for a very painful and expensive ride. 3
emeraldgreen Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Unannounced meet up with **** buddy Happens on a day you're out Changes the bed sheets the same day Deflects when you feel like something's up What benefit of the doubt could there possibly be? 2
Recommended Posts