GIGS or something more? **Updated**

[GamineKitty]

Hi all,

 

Kitty here. I’ll keep it short and sweet, I’ll also bear unnecessary elaboration since this thread was created with the sole purpose of getting a broader range of perspectives. I’m a 20 year old woman, and my ex is a 24 year old male. He split up with me 26–27 days ago. Here are the details (we will refer to my ex as ‘B’ for now).

 

1) B pursued me relentlessly at the beginning of our acquaintanceship. It was an intense ride for the two of us. It was no longer than a month before we fell hard for one another.

 

2) During our eleven month relationship, B would often explain how I was the “one”, that he’d never met a woman like me, that I was almost surreal. B and I were - sparing all the long stories - madly in love with one another. B and I did everything for each other, we could never bear to be a moment apart. We often called one another “soulmates.”

 

3) The attraction between B and I never faltered. He was devoted, understanding, caring, protective, affectionate, mature — he would drop everything and anything for me, tend to me when I was ill, face every battle alongside me etc.

 

4) B often stated how, in a few years after concluding studies, he wanted to marry me. B was the one to initiate these serious discussions. B was extremely solemn with them, never careless. B also explained how he cared to have children with me, how he could not ever imagine a future without me, that it was no possibility. His family and friends equally cherished me.

 

5) One day, this new year, I confront B about something mediocre. I express grave dissatisfaction and disappointment as he had not informed me of said thing (it was no dramatic matter, such as cheating). The evening ended with B retracting verbally and retiring early. I assumed it was just another argument and we would respectfully apologise the next day as we are both EXTREMELY MATURE for our ages.

 

6) My world comes crashing down the following day — B tells me he no longer wants to be with me, that he doesn’t want this relationship, that he doesn’t want me or anything in his life, that he is not happy and he wants to be left alone, that we’re breaking up. B could not give a reason. B said, seeming sure, that he had only been thinking about breaking up with me after I had confronted him about that mediocre, solvable issue. Naturally I do everything I shouldn’t: I cry for hours to him, he cries with me, I beg, I plead. I cannot remember how the evening ended but we separated.

 

7) Following more begging the next day, he gets back with me. He is frantic, tells me he can’t live/function without me, that he wants me back, promises me that things will return to “normal.” Stupidly in my state I take B back feeling only relief.

 

8) 2 months pass and B is a changed man. His aloofness is blatant. He stopped seeing me every day, stopped calling every night, cut his contact down rapidly, avoided discussion about our future, saying it was “difficult and unnecessary” for him to talk about. Occasionally there were bouts of affection but it was so rare that I questioned the authenticity when I received it. 26–27 days ago I broke down, I couldn’t take B’s distance.

 

9) A massive eruption of a breakup occurs. I want to fix things, B says he doesn’t want to “fix” anything. B said we can’t have a future together, that we can’t build anything together, that he doesn’t want a “soulmate” (the complete opposite of his attitude towards our relationship prior to this big ordeal) B said he loves me but doesn’t feel it — or feel “anything.” B says he doesn’t know what changed. B said prior he felt his feelings had changed. B said he can’t give me what I “seek.” B said “true love doesn’t exist at our age” even though a few moments before B had told me his love for me was extremely sincere (and I don’t doubt it - woman’s intuition). It felt B was trying to convince me AND himself. B kept telling me to “let go” but towards the end, before I bowed out, B gave me his email and told me to contact me if I needed him (“I hope you’ll keep it in mind, contact me if you need anything”). B was adamant that we were “done” and there was no room for “another chance.” But then, at the final moments, B suggested he would there as a friend — nothing else.

 

I never replied to that “friendship” offer. I have been in NC ever since. So, lovely people, opinions? Is this a puzzling case of GIGS or do you have other suggestions? It was all extremely chaotic and tumultuous, like there was no reasoning or logic behind it (at least, that’s how it felt). It was completely out of character for him (even his 2 best friends said this, they were just as shocked since they knew him - as I did - to be almost too mature). Feel free to ask questions. Is there a chance B will return (at the moment my heart is hurting too much for me to consider reconciliation)? During these 26–27 days I’ve heard nothing, but I peeked upon his Instagram account (via mutuals) a few weeks ago before erased all social media: he was messing around with his friends in the comments and apparently seemed “normal.”

 

Thanks, beautiful people!

Edited June 1, 2019 by GamineKitty

[ExpatInItaly]

What was this "mediocre" issues you two argued about before he broke up with you?

 

How long were you together?

[Mrin]

He sounds immature.

 

Question: what was the mediocre thing you speak of? How often did you have similar discussions about mediocre things? If there was pattern there then it might have been the straw that broke him.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

This scenario sounds almost exactly like my ex. He one day loves me to pieces and the next day nothing. No emotions, just coldness.

 

From my experience, I think it stems from his lack of ability to communicate his needs to me. He expects me to make him happy but in reality it is his responsibility for his own happiness. I have a responsibility to respond to his needs when he tells me what they are because I love him.

This in ability to share his feelings with me led him to internalize the problems he had with things until it overwhelmed him and he “shut down”. This cycle occurred 4 times. This being the last. I had enough not even trying to get him back.

 

As the pursuer your guy might have invested so much of himself into you and the relationship that he feels a loss of identity. Does he feel that he has a say in things? Or does he always cater to you?

 

Unfortunately in these situations, a pattern emerges even if you do go back with him and this will repeat itself over and over again. Just know that this has nothing to do with you as a person or reduce his love for you. I am sure he still loves you a lot but does not have the emotional maturity to process his issues in a healthy way.

 

It is hard to live with someone who you cannot trust to be there for you. Who will bolt at any moment. I lived it for 15 years don’t make my mistake.

[Veronica73]

What is GIGS?

[Redhead14]

Grass is greener (on the other side) syndrome . . .

[GamineKitty]

What was this "mediocre" issues you two argued about before he broke up with you?

 

How long were you together?

 

The mediocre issue was him reactivating an old account which he swore/promised he’d never bring back due to the negativity surrounding it. Naturally, as a promise was broken, this upset me. We were together 11 months.

[GamineKitty]

He sounds immature.

 

Question: what was the mediocre thing you speak of? How often did you have similar discussions about mediocre things? If there was pattern there then it might have been the straw that broke him.

 

It was regarding the reactivation of an account he’d always promised he wouldn’t bring back due to the negativity it had caused us (a toxic environment). I was upset that he’d broken the promise. We never, ever argued about matters like this which were easily solvable (because that’s what it was, easily solvable. I wasn’t angry, just disappointed but expressed I understood).

[GamineKitty]

This scenario sounds almost exactly like my ex. He one day loves me to pieces and the next day nothing. No emotions, just coldness.

 

From my experience, I think it stems from his lack of ability to communicate his needs to me. He expects me to make him happy but in reality it is his responsibility for his own happiness. I have a responsibility to respond to his needs when he tells me what they are because I love him.

This in ability to share his feelings with me led him to internalize the problems he had with things until it overwhelmed him and he “shut down”. This cycle occurred 4 times. This being the last. I had enough not even trying to get him back.

 

As the pursuer your guy might have invested so much of himself into you and the relationship that he feels a loss of identity. Does he feel that he has a say in things? Or does he always cater to you?

 

Unfortunately in these situations, a pattern emerges even if you do go back with him and this will repeat itself over and over again. Just know that this has nothing to do with you as a person or reduce his love for you. I am sure he still loves you a lot but does not have the emotional maturity to process his issues in a healthy way.

 

It is hard to live with someone who you cannot trust to be there for you. Who will bolt at any moment. I lived it for 15 years don’t make my mistake.

 

He always had a say in things. We were very “traditional” IE he wore the pants and we had a profound understanding and respect for one another’s needs. I see you observe he probably loves me but, why would he then tell me he doesn’t feel like he loves me/his feelings had changed and we’re done for good? Do you reckon he will return somewhere down the line? 27 days NC so far and I’ve heard not a word.

[Veronica73]

What kind of account, and how did it create toxic environment between you two?

[ExpatInItaly]

The mediocre issue was him reactivating an old account which he swore/promised he’d never bring back due to the negativity surrounding it. Naturally, as a promise was broken, this upset me. We were together 11 months.

 

You speak in very vague terms, which suggests to me this isn't as mediocre as you're trying to make it sound.

 

Was it a social media account? A dating one? Gaming? Hook-ups?

[elaine567]

He is 24, he got all serious with you, then he realised you were not the woman for him so he broke up with you, over something "mediocre".

I guess at that time, he had not really processed it properly as to what he was actually going to do once split up and your reaction was upsetting, so he gives in and you resume the relationship but his heart is not in it.

He starts to fade away, this time he has a clearer plan of action, he knows exactly what he wants, so he is not giving in. He doesn't want to fix anything, he is moving cleanly on, his mind made up.

He holds no animosity, he is happy to be friends or to be there if you need him in an emergency but the relationship as far as he is concerned is over...

 

Sorry!

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Usually the dumper turns cold and sounds like they have made up their mind but are just as conflicted about the break up. The do this to protect themselves from the overwhelming feelings they have. They do this so the don’t break and change their minds.

 

If you truly love him then stick with NC and work on growing yourself emotionally. In time he may resolve his internal conflicts and come back.

 

In my case he did and we worked at it as best as we could but it was not meant to be.

[GamineKitty]

You speak in very vague terms, which suggests to me this isn't as mediocre as you're trying to make it sound.

 

Was it a social media account? A dating one? Gaming? Hook-ups?

 

The account was simply social media but he had erased it due to some bad occurrences in friendship circles (I had not known him during that time, so I cannot comment on whatever happened, hence the “vagueness”). I was disheartened that he had not informed me since he made it sound like he completely despised the account, he would also inform me that he never wanted us to have “secrets,” though it was clear that he was in no rush to tell me about the account returning (I found out via a friend). I explained that although it hurt that he didn’t keep his promise, I respected his choice and understood, I also gently expressed I was happy he felt like he could make a fresh start on there with his friends.

[GamineKitty]

What kind of account, and how did it create toxic environment between you two?

 

The account was social media. He had encountered much drama on there (I’m unaware of what actually happened) within friendship circles and it dragged on until around the time he met me (that’s when he explained he wanted to terminate the account because it was negatively affecting him and thus us).

[elaine567]

Reinstating that account was the start of him going back to his old life and moving away from you.

[emeraldgreen]

B is allowed to change his mind about being with you, seeing a marriage future with you etc. People are allowed to change and want different things. BUT...

 

He built up the whole soulmate thing with you and after your major argument, he said to himself "You know what? This isn't really what I want". There's immaturity and irresponsibility is his original outlook because he made you think he knows what he wants. Then after the breakup, he came back in a panic out of fear of being alone, not about you being "the one".

 

He needed more time to extricate himself from the relationship with more of a soft landing than a hard break, and that was selfish.

 

So basically, you have an irresponsible, immature, selfish ex-boyfriend who doesn't want to be accountable to you.

 

You have all of your 20s to find someone. You'll have to kiss a lot more frogs before one of them becomes a prince.

[GamineKitty]

Reinstating that account was the start of him going back to his old life and moving away from you.

 

I had somehow felt that — the way he was so amiably interacting with everybody whom he claimed he totally hated was also a painful blow upon discovering the account. Here I am, left feeling shattered, scratching my head, and entirely hopeless. I do not intend to break No Contact.

[GamineKitty]

B is allowed to change his mind about being with you, seeing a marriage future with you etc. People are allowed to change and want different things. BUT...

 

He built up the whole soulmate thing with you and after your major argument, he said to himself "You know what? This isn't really what I want". There's immaturity and irresponsibility is his original outlook because he made you think he knows what he wants. Then after the breakup, he came back in a panic out of fear of being alone, not about you being "the one".

 

He needed more time to extricate himself from the relationship with more of a soft landing than a hard break, and that was selfish.

 

So basically, you have an irresponsible, immature, selfish ex-boyfriend who doesn't want to be accountable to you.

 

You have all of your 20s to find someone. You'll have to kiss a lot more frogs before one of them becomes a prince.

 

Thank you, Emerald. One of his best friends had said the way he acted was extremely selfish, uncaring and out of character. A couple of friends also stated that, if he’s the man they know him to be, he’ll realize what he’s done and attempt to “fix” the situation. But hey – I guess we never truly understand the depth of another.

[stillafool]

It was regarding the reactivation of an account he’d always promised he wouldn’t bring back due to the negativity it had caused us (a toxic environment). I was upset that he’d broken the promise. We never, ever argued about matters like this which were easily solvable (because that’s what it was, easily solvable. I wasn’t angry, just disappointed but expressed I understood).

 

It sounds like after thinking about it he decided he liked that site and felt he was being told what to do. If the site had anything to do with hooking up with women more than likely he was already looking for someone new. One thing, please believe men when they tell you it's over. Don't think that they just don't know what they want and are confused. No one would say goodbye and stay away 27 days if they wanted you back.

[basil67]

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation.

 

Re the account: From what you say, it doesn't sound like it was a hookup or dating site - so really, it was none of your business that he re-opened it. And when you did find out, a conversation of "hey, I heard you're back online with X group - how are you feeling about it now?" would have been far more productive than a confrontation, hurt feelings and argument. You made his choice about you when it actually had nothing to do with you. I'm guessing that it made him start to look at you in another light.

 

About all the soulmate stuff - promises such as these which are spoken during the heady, passionate early days of a relationship are to be taken with a grain of salt. People can get tricked by those hormones and adrenaline into thinking that this is a forever thing - when in fact, it's just the honeymoon period. Promises made after a few years together have so much more meaning.

 

This will heal in time. And you will grow and learn from each relationship you have until you find your guy. At the age of 20, the future is all yours.

[JuneL]

He probably had been wanting to break up for a while, and used your argument as an out.

[GamineKitty]

I cannot bring myself to yet erase all of our photographs but I have boxed up the gifts he has purchased me, and I have also boxed up some things I didn’t have the chance to give him — they’re under my bed. Is it suggested that I delete and block his number and email?

[basil67]

There's no need to erase the photos. Stick them on a USB key and put them in the box with the gifts if that's what you are comfortable with. You only need to block his number and email if he contacts you when you've asked him not to.

[GamineKitty]

There's no need to erase the photos. Stick them on a USB key and put them in the box with the gifts if that's what you are comfortable with. You only need to block his number and email if he contacts you when you've asked him not to.

 

Thank you for the advice. I realize I had made many mistakes in my confrontation due to the emotion (confusion rather than anything) that I was feeling at the time. I regret very much of it, thus I am left feeling as if he and I are in need of a deep discussion. Having said that, it is now 28 days of NC. As mentioned, I’ve heard not a peep and I feel I would be greeted with mere indifference (the way he broke things off was cold, clinical, negatively emotional and disregarding).

 

Would you advise that after a certain amount of time, I approach him, or should I permanently refrain from contact? I would like to think he’ll approach me but I’m not silly enough to give myself false hope in spite of how incredibly intensely I love him.