Lizzy Bennet Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 (edited) Hi, I wondered if anyone can give me advice. There is a guy that l really really like that I have lived in shared accommodation with for 8 months. I sensed some real chemistry, and he made some hints saying that he really liked my accent, he said he liked an actress that actually looks like me, and every time I sat next to him he was fidgeting and once his hand was shaking. Whenever we spoke in a group he would also direct the conversation back to me or bring me into the conversation. I also saw him starring at my cleavage several times. We also went on day trip last week because we were both free but we got on really well and were chatting non stop all day, and at times he seemed a little nervous and I saw him stare at me a few times. We also went roller blading and he was holding my hand and helping me. The big problem is he now has to return home to finish his studies but l recently found out he has a girlfriend. After 4 months of chatting he casually dropped into the conversation that his girlfriend enjoys climbing too. I am sad as I felt real chemistry, but despite some of the things I mentioned he never acted inappropriately towards me. We were always just friendly but never flirty. There was another time he nearly came out with me but then he said he felt sick and he had to go back inside and I wonder if he was anxious. Anyway so now he has gone but said he would make some trips back to my city again to see everyone. He will be returning in 6 weeks for a week. Do you think I should tell him how I feel? Or do you think in this situation because he has a girlfriend it isn't appropriate. In one way I got signs he really liked me but in another way he seemed to not want to be flirty with me. He also mentioned his girlfriend twice on the day trip so do you think that means he was trying to tell me that he wasn't interested because he has a girlfriend. By the way I also wouldn't want to split anyone up but I just would hate it if he liked me and didn't know I liked him too. Or is it up to him in the situation. I also want to say I am older than him so perhaps it is a bit intimidating. Or do you think I should just think that was a lovely guy and was a great person but it is impractical and he has gone now? What would you do in my situation? Thank you for your advice. Edited June 1, 2019 by Lizzy Bennet
d0nnivain Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 He dropped the existence of this GF into the conversation to let you know where the boundaries are. Do not cross them. Do not tell him you like him. He already knows which is why he told you about the GF so that you did not make things awkward by talking to him about your feelings. When he comes back if he wants an LDR, he will make a point to let you know that the GF is out of the picture. Until he does that, you keep your mouth shut. Besides, if he's gone, there is no sense starting up with him due to the distance. Find a local guy & have fun. 4
stillafool Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 While he is probably attracted to you he obviously loves his gf that is why he kept mentioning her to remind himself and let you know he is taken. It would be inappropriate for you to hit on him. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 He mentioned his girlfriend to let you know he's not going to go there with you, OP. I wouldn't bother with it anyway. He doesn't live nearby and it wouldn't have made sense to try to start something when he's already gone. It was a crush, but it will pass. Don't make it uncomfortable by talking about your feelings. 3
smackie9 Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 Oh he wants you bad, and he was inching his way to cheat on her if he stayed any longer. If you were assertive with your desire for him, I bet money on it he would have cheated. Now think about it...how would you like it if your BF was mackin on some chick while he was away visiting friends? That would make you sick, so stop it right now, and keep your panties on. I know his game. He told you about his GF at the end to cover his a$$, not to set a boundary. What you see is what everyone in the group is seeing too, and if word got back to his GF that he's been spending time with you, and gawkin at you, he will play it innocent. He will fall back in the "Oh she knows I have a GF because I told her so it's OK." Ya he's gonna play that up. He's a dirty dog my dear, you are best to stay away from him. 1
kendahke Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 If you were his girlfriend back where he lives and some chick came to us writing what you did about your boyfriend, what would you want us to tell her? That's your answer. 3
smackie9 Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 He knows you like him, you know he likes you and everyone who was there know you two like each other...it's no mystery. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 Remain friends at a distance (literally and figuratively). If he is in school and traveling etc, statistically I would guess they might eventually break up. You guys have good tension if you remain friendly and stay in touch occasionally you never know where the future will take you both. I think he will act on it when the time is right--for both of you--if that ever happens. So don't do anything except stay friendly. It will change between you if it is meant to. You don't want to be the person that is the cause of or involved in some mess. You're going to be better off when he's at a more stable point in his life anyway, i.e. you guys will be on the right side of timing likely, whereas they are on the more challenging side of timing. Good luck Oh and don't pine away for him. Date and meet people locally! Sounds like you are in a fun place--enjoy it fully! 1
The Outlaw Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 No matter the nature of their relationship, just stay out of it. I'm not sure what kind of guy he is, but keep what you feel to yourself. Admitting feelings can get awkward and possibly create tension, and that's better left avoided. Remain friendly towards him, but leave it at that. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 Once he said he had a gf, then run ... that's the rule ... Because the only thing that could come out of this is you will have slept with a man who is committed to someone else ... that man will still prioritize the gf. The more you like him, then more miserable you'll become ... because you'll be secretly scheming to get him to drop his gf. So you'll always be on your best behavior ... over-giving to him ... You won't be able to be your real self ... and look, he won't be committed to helping you ... Go to the ER, have an emergency, his priority is still with his gf. It's a bit of a challenge, but feel the feelings and don't focus on them. Feelings are not indicators that someone is a good match. BTW: the red flag here is that he let slip that he had a GF. That shows he has no boundaries ... and didn't know how to commit to the gf. He'll be that same way or worse with you. 1
Author Lizzy Bennet Posted June 1, 2019 Author Posted June 1, 2019 Hi I would like to thank everyone for their replies and advice about my problem. I think sometimes it is easy to become overcome by the feelings you feel and not think about the practicalities of the situation, or the reality that he actually has someone at home. I think everyone is right, he knows I like him, so that is it, and as he is not here and not free then it would be silly to make things complicated. I do wonder if I had made an advance what would have happened, but I would never have done that knowing the situation. It is true there is no point day dreaming over someone who is not here and not available so I must leave it be and see if I hear from him in the future. Thank you! All your replies have helped me so much! ☺ 1
preraph Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 Respect that he has a girlfriend. Look at it this way. If he cheats on his girlfriend with you, he will cheat on you too. If he makes this boundary and he truly won't cheat on his girlfriend, then IF they ever break up, you will be able to trust that he's not a cheater and he will be able to know that you had some ethics and didn't come after him once you knew he had a girlfriend and will respect you more as well. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 He probably is aware that if you have made a move he would have succumbed to temptation, or at least he was self aware enough to be afraid of that. So he told you knowing that if the two of you were intent on doing the right thing, it was less likely that you would cross any lines. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 Your question ... I would say flip it ... Anytime you feel so close to someone you're thinking of making a move ... pause and make sure this is someone you want to come on to. Lots of us fool ourselves by pretending we're distant when in fact we might be inches away from getting physical with someone. Use this experience as a way to finetune and calibrate your radar ... he would have likely succumbed to your approach, but only for a short while ... and then the complication continues. He's get text from his gf and has to go to her. You're left holding an empty bag. 1
Author Lizzy Bennet Posted June 2, 2019 Author Posted June 2, 2019 Hi yes some great points. Yes you wouldn't want to go out with a cheater and you wouldn't want to make him a cheater, so yes and I think he became fully aware of the situation on the trip, and that's why he then kept mentioning her. Thank you for your help! Much appreciated. 4
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