32 year old doctor never been in a relationship and finding it difficult to find anyo

[Bluecheesenofleas]

Hi. I'm a 32 year old man. My confidence hasn't always been the greatest. But recently I've found myself severely depressed. I've not been in a relationship at any point in my life. I've tried the whole dating app thing and most times I end up getting matched with women I'm either not attracted to or are way older then me. I wouldnt describe myself as bad looking but I'm not physically good lookin,(if that makes sense)g. I'm a tall man and im bald, if got a decent build.ive tried going to single events and each time I'm there I get overlooked by most women. At this point in my life I just feel empty. I just feel my options are to settle down with someone I'm not interested in and feel miserable or to go through life alone feeling miserable. I dont think theres any fix to the situation I find myself in and I really need advice.

[Garcon1986]

1. Step one - portray yourself at all times in the most well dressed, fashionable man you can be. Ask your salon's advice on what is the most physically attractive haircut that will go with your head. Use gel if needed. Physical attraction cuts both ways. You may be able to attract a hot girl, but you must accept that certain hot girls will never date you no matter what redeeming qualities you have because you are not their type or not hot enough. It's normal to want hotness but it cuts both ways.

 

2. Step two - portray yourself socially amongst women as a relaxed and easygoing man, who is willing to have a fun conversation. You must beat the stereotype that you are a geek, and can only have intellectual conversation, regardless of the fact that women unfairly apply the stereotype through no fault of yours.

 

3. Step three - surround yourself with hobbies that you enjoy, which women simultaneously enjoy.

 

4. Step four - spend at least 1 month of solidly talking to a different woman every day, and get over the "stagefright" of approaching a woman you like. You should also spend time getting friendly with women, solely for the friendship, without worrying about fighting the friendzone. The idea behind doing this is to be comfortable in your own skin around attractive women. Failing to do this step proficiently will result in you losing your opportunity once a spectacular woman comes your way, because you will be rejected for being weird. If you are a consumer of porn, it needs to stop right now. It will be like trying to come off heroin - but if you choose to continue porn, a real relationship will be like trying to taste Italian spice after eating tacos with spicy red hot sauce - like an effing candle compared to a blowtorch. You will have such distorted views of women that dating will be meaningless.

 

 

At this point, you stop and pause for a moment - you are about to jump into dating. If you were not totally comfortable in stage 4, you need to spend an additional month doing it until you are comfortable. Secondly - women will operate in the dating scene based upon what feels right - not based upon what logically is correct or what a man's internal rubric says they should do. Women will do irrational things to you based upon what feels right or wrong at the time, it's a fact of life. You win when you make her feel right and feel at home.

 

5. Step five - take notes on women around you who show you indicators of interest (playing with their hair around you, a sustained smile, sustained eye contact, asking to be with you, etc etc). Focus initially on the women who like you, and now ask a few of them out on a date. If that particular woman likes you a lot, go ahead, be a man, and kiss her on the way home. Focus on the difference between an interview, a date, normal conversation, and flirting conversation. Focus on the fact that you are getting experience. Don't go for your favorite spectacular woman just yet. Take a step back, smell the roses, and congratulate yourself on some good dating experiences at this point. If you have sex, wonderful. Step back and take in the experience.

 

6. Step six - now go ask out your favorite woman and see how it goes. If it fails, rinse, repeat, try again. Never fail in your determination, and try not to get too depressed from rejection. It happens to everybody - keep your head up and use Loveshack as a sounding board.

 

 

That's the summary of thousands of dating coaches advice. That's really all there is to it. Hot guys have it easier because women's defenses are lowered, and less hoops need to be jumped. But for everybody else - we follow steps 1-6.

 

I was the 26 year old depressed pediatric resident who never had a date. I've now had three relationships and lots of first dates using this advice.

[Bluecheesenofleas]

1. Step one - portray yourself at all times in the most well dressed, fashionable man you can be. Ask your salon's advice on what is the most physically attractive haircut that will go with your head. Use gel if needed. Physical attraction cuts both ways. You may be able to attract a hot girl, but you must accept that certain hot girls will never date you no matter what redeeming qualities you have because you are not their type or not hot enough. It's normal to want hotness but it cuts both ways.

 

2. Step two - portray yourself socially amongst women as a relaxed and easygoing man, who is willing to have a fun conversation. You must beat the stereotype that you are a geek, and can only have intellectual conversation, regardless of the fact that women unfairly apply the stereotype through no fault of yours.

 

3. Step three - surround yourself with hobbies that you enjoy, which women simultaneously enjoy.

 

4. Step four - spend at least 1 month of solidly talking to a different woman every day, and get over the "stagefright" of approaching a woman you like. You should also spend time getting friendly with women, solely for the friendship, without worrying about fighting the friendzone. The idea behind doing this is to be comfortable in your own skin around attractive women. Failing to do this step proficiently will result in you losing your opportunity once a spectacular woman comes your way, because you will be rejected for being weird. If you are a consumer of porn, it needs to stop right now. It will be like trying to come off heroin - but if you choose to continue porn, a real relationship will be like trying to taste Italian spice after eating tacos with spicy red hot sauce - like an effing candle compared to a blowtorch. You will have such distorted views of women that dating will be meaningless.

 

 

At this point, you stop and pause for a moment - you are about to jump into dating. If you were not totally comfortable in stage 4, you need to spend an additional month doing it until you are comfortable. Secondly - women will operate in the dating scene based upon what feels right - not based upon what logically is correct or what a man's internal rubric says they should do. Women will do irrational things to you based upon what feels right or wrong at the time, it's a fact of life. You win when you make her feel right and feel at home.

 

5. Step five - take notes on women around you who show you indicators of interest (playing with their hair around you, a sustained smile, sustained eye contact, asking to be with you, etc etc). Focus initially on the women who like you, and now ask a few of them out on a date. If that particular woman likes you a lot, go ahead, be a man, and kiss her on the way home. Focus on the difference between an interview, a date, normal conversation, and flirting conversation. Focus on the fact that you are getting experience. Don't go for your favorite spectacular woman just yet. Take a step back, smell the roses, and congratulate yourself on some good dating experiences at this point. If you have sex, wonderful. Step back and take in the experience.

 

6. Step six - now go ask out your favorite woman and see how it goes. If it fails, rinse, repeat, try again. Never fail in your determination, and try not to get too depressed from rejection. It happens to everybody - keep your head up and use Loveshack as a sounding board.

 

 

That's the summary of thousands of dating coaches advice. That's really all there is to it. Hot guys have it easier because women's defenses are lowered, and less hoops need to be jumped. But for everybody else - we follow steps 1-6.

 

I was the 26 year old depressed pediatric resident who never had a date. I've now had three relationships and lots of first dates using this advice.

My confidence has turned to ****. I cant even look at women I just feeling like ****. No matter what I do I know it wont make a difference. I cant get what i want

[d0nnivain]

Garcon1986's prescription is spot on.

 

However you are going to need a pre-step: improving your self confidence. Perhaps consult a colleague in the mental health field. You need some talk therapy & a life coach to improve your self confidence.

 

You studied to get your doctorate so now study a little to improve your life skills. You had teachers during your formal education. This is generally more of a self help process but there are ways to get instruction. Do an internet search for local life coaches. It has to be someone in your area, who you can see in person, not somebody who will only coach you by phone. There are several for business but there are few for dating & relationships. I am NOT talking about a pick up artist mass market gimmick like Corey Wayne or other PUA gurus, but you can read / view some of that stuff if you think it will help. I'm talking a one on one interaction with a well credentialed person who can boost your self confidence & improve your overall social skills. These skills should also translate into personal marketing & branding so that you improve your practice by attracting new patients too.

 

Best wishes.

[Bluecheesenofleas]

Garcon1986's prescription is spot on.

 

However you are going to need a pre-step: improving your self confidence. Perhaps consult a colleague in the mental health field. You need some talk therapy & a life coach to improve your self confidence.

 

You studied to get your doctorate so now study a little to improve your life skills. You had teachers during your formal education. This is generally more of a self help process but there are ways to get instruction. Do an internet search for local life coaches. It has to be someone in your area, who you can see in person, not somebody who will only coach you by phone. There are several for business but there are few for dating & relationships. I am NOT talking about a pick up artist mass market gimmick like Corey Wayne or other PUA gurus, but you can read / view some of that stuff if you think it will help. I'm talking a one on one interaction with a well credentialed person who can boost your self confidence & improve your overall social skills. These skills should also translate into personal marketing & branding so that you improve your practice by attracting new patients too.

 

Best wishes.

Do you not see what the problem is, no matter what I do, no matter how fashionable, no matter how much muscle I gain, no matter how well I come across or how interesting I appear. The good looking guy will always get the girl I've experienced it on several occasions. The problem I currently have is as I age I'm getting even uglier, and now the average or below average looking women dont really want to know. At the end of the day no life coach can teach me how to look good. I'm fu cked I spent 6 years of my life getting a fu cking medical degree helping the sick and this is what life gives me back incant even get with atleast 1 person I find attractive, I'm actually thinking of ending it all. Theres no point in my life anymore

[Bluecheesenofleas]

Garcon1986's prescription is spot on.

 

However you are going to need a pre-step: improving your self confidence. Perhaps consult a colleague in the mental health field. You need some talk therapy & a life coach to improve your self confidence.

 

You studied to get your doctorate so now study a little to improve your life skills. You had teachers during your formal education. This is generally more of a self help process but there are ways to get instruction. Do an internet search for local life coaches. It has to be someone in your area, who you can see in person, not somebody who will only coach you by phone. There are several for business but there are few for dating & relationships. I am NOT talking about a pick up artist mass market gimmick like Corey Wayne or other PUA gurus, but you can read / view some of that stuff if you think it will help. I'm talking a one on one interaction with a well credentialed person who can boost your self confidence & improve your overall social skills. These skills should also translate into personal marketing & branding so that you improve your practice by attracting new patients too.

 

Best wishes.

Do you not see what the problem is, no matter what I do, no matter how fashionable, no matter how much muscle I gain, no matter how well I come across or how interesting I appear. The good looking guy will always get the girl I've experienced it on several occasions. The problem I currently have is as I age I'm getting even uglier, and now the average or below average looking women dont really want to know. At the end of the day no life coach can teach me how to look good. I'm fu cked I spent 6 years of my life getting a fu cking medical degree helping the sick and this is what life gives me back incant even get with atleast 1 person I find attractive, I'm actually thinking of ending it all. Theres no point in my life anymore

[The Outlaw]

First of all, don't let the thought ever cross your mind of 'ending' it. That's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The future isn't set, it IS what you make it. Don't settle for someone that may not even love you or be faithful to you. You took six years out of your life to pursue your medical degree. That's a field I wish I pursued. You want advice, plenty of us here will be happy to help you in any way we can, but you've got to do it. Put what you feel about yourself aside and look into improving what you know you can do. Don't accept defeat just because of a few losses. We all have trials. But the true measure of a man is how he chooses to react in the face of those trials. But take a chance and take the advice you've been given, because you'll never know unless you try.

[smackie9]

Look outside of the normal way to meet women. This guy I know, who was nothing to look at but had a good career married one of those mail order wives. At first we were all snicking about it and thought he was being taken for a ride, but they are still happily married. I hear she is a fantastic cook. Stay away from anything that is free dating or those social mixers, because that type of thing isn't your style. You could try a dating coach/match maker to give you the best possible chance to meet someone.

 

If you have a look on here, even the most average individual struggles with dating, dating on line, etc. So you are not alone trying to find someone to date. It's very discouraging for sure, but I don't think there isn't someone for you. Keep trying different things, even if it means to hire someone to help you or try an agency.

Edited June 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[JuneL]

“The good looking guy will always get the girl I've experienced it on several occasions.”

 

You sound familiar!

[amaysngrace]

With all that negative self-talk it’s no wonder why you struggle.

 

Instead of taking some of Garcon’s great insights in and showing some gratitude to him for such a thoughtful post you immediately go back to your own private pity party.

 

Nobody, male or female, is wanting to sign up for that. It’s like you’re being a human repellent with that attitude of yours which is definitely not attractive, to anybody.

 

You need to read up on how to be more confident. That’s your very first step to getting a nice lady to want you around otherwise you’ll just have women who like how vulnerable you are, not to mention your earning potential, and hone in on you without really wanting to know you at all. Some people are vultures that way.

 

Just be the best you you can be but realize it’s going to take some hard work on your part to undo all that horrible self-talk you’ve got going on.

[Garcon1986]

What you’ve done before hasn’t worked right? Why not take a breather and comb through what we said to find something you haven’t done before?

[Garcon1986]

Confidence around women starts with efforts to talk with single women about common interests. One of the few absolutely unassailable facts about dating is everyone can sense the people with negative self talk. Inflicting pain on yourself only hurts yourself. Getting a date is not worth Hospital admission for takotsubo cardiomyopathy. Choose to use positive self talk.

[Bluecheesenofleas]

Confidence around women starts with efforts to talk with single women about common interests. One of the few absolutely unassailable facts about dating is everyone can sense the people with negative self talk. Inflicting pain on yourself only hurts yourself. Getting a date is not worth Hospital admission for takotsubo cardiomyopathy. Choose to use positive self talk.

 

I've tried the whole positive thinking mindset. It hasn't worked for me. I've failed badly at online dating. The only thing that I haven't done is cold approach. And given how unattractive i am I'm certain it will just he another blow.

[BaileyB]

Do you not see what the problem is, no matter what I do, no matter how fashionable, no matter how much muscle I gain, no matter how well I come across or how interesting I appear. The good looking guy will always get the girl.

 

I'm fu cked I spent 6 years of my life getting a fu cking medical degree helping the sick and this is what life gives me back incant even get with atleast 1 person I find attractive, I'm actually thinking of ending it all. Theres no point in my life anymore

 

Bluecheesenofleas, you can consider yourself the victim if you want because there are others that are more attractive. You are also welcome to engage in histrionics and bemoan your lot in life... but, it won’t help you to find a date. If anything, it will do the opposite. I don’t know what you look like and I don’t particularly care... the thing that would make you very attractive to me is your attitude.

[Garcon1986]

I've tried the whole positive thinking mindset. It hasn't worked for me. I've failed badly at online dating. The only thing that I haven't done is cold approach. And given how unattractive i am I'm certain it will just he another blow.

 

If you come here and decline advice, might I inquire into what advice you will take?

[Veronica73]

I've tried the whole positive thinking mindset. It hasn't worked for me. I've failed badly at online dating. The only thing that I haven't done is cold approach. And given how unattractive i am I'm certain it will just he another blow.

 

Have you tried a matchmaker? Like one in your city.

 

I’m not an online dating expert (I have been on a total of 2 weeks), and I don’t think much of it. There are SOOOOO many people online. You have to sift through them somehow, and the first thing you see are photos. So people who aren’t above average in attractiveness, in general, are not going to do well with online dating, in my opinion. It just makes sense. If your main strength isn’t your appearance, don’t use a dating method that relies on appearance first and foremost.

[preraph]

Well, you're a smart guy, so you must realize that yes, good looking women will usually choose good looking men. I mean, why wouldn't they? It's just as easy to find a nice good looking man who matches them in looks. It's not as if good looking men are defective in other ways just because they're good looking. So of course, a woman will choose someone she has physical attraction for and mental attraction for over someone she may like as a person but not have attraction for.

 

You're mad at women for choosing the better looking men, but yet, look what you're doing yourself -- rejecting women who match your own physical attraction level even though they may be very smart nice people with whom you have something in common.

 

People can't seem to help who they're attracted to, and for this reason, a lot of people are happier NOT settling down with someone they aren't attracted to and are happier just by themselves. No one says you have to settle down and choose a wife and have a family. If you truly can't find someone you have enough attraction for who has attraction for you to, then why push it?

[amaysngrace]

If you aren’t have much luck where you’re at maybe join doctors without borders.

[d0nnivain]

How do you feel about patients who get a diagnosis, a prescription & a treatment regime from you but don't follow it & then whine that they are not getting better & blame you for being a bad doctors?

 

That is exactly what you are doing with your love life. You are so convinced that you know the cause for your situation you refuse to consider another possibility.

 

You are so angry & so bitter. That is what is preventing you from finding love. It has very little to do with your physical appearance. You present as ugly on the inside which is much bigger problem.

 

I was dead serious when I told you to hire somebody to teach you to fix what is wrong in your life. Every self help thing you have tried to date didn't get you the results you want because you have probably been doing it wrong. Find somebody who can teach you how to do it right.

 

However, until you become less hostile nothing will get you the love you seek.

 

Doctor, heal thyself with help from a professional.

[basil67]

'Only good looking men get the girl' Are you suggesting that every single man you see who has a girlfriend is good looking? That's the silliest thing I've read all day. Take off your blinkers and look around. Plenty of average dudes are in relationships. Smack yourself upside your head with a dose of reality.

[Bluecheesenofleas]

How do you feel about patients who get a diagnosis, a prescription & a treatment regime from you but don't follow it & then whine that they are not getting better & blame you for being a bad doctors?

 

That is exactly what you are doing with your love life. You are so convinced that you know the cause for your situation you refuse to consider another possibility.

 

You are so angry & so bitter. That is what is preventing you from finding love. It has very little to do with your physical appearance. You present as ugly on the inside which is much bigger problem.

 

I was dead serious when I told you to hire somebody to teach you to fix what is wrong in your life. Every self help thing you have tried to date didn't get you the results you want because you have probably been doing it wrong. Find somebody who can teach you how to do it right.

 

However, until you become less hostile nothing will get you the love you seek.

 

Doctor, heal thyself with help from a professional.

I've done landmark forum which taught me how to close my past and put it behind me. I spent $1500 on self development courses. I admit I am bitter. But I'm self aware. I keep myself in good shape. I'm not a bad guy. I've proven I'm a good provider. Yet its reached the stage when im at single events that even women (without trying to be shallow) who I wouldnt describe as good looking give me a disgusted look even before I get a chance to open my mouth. How do I win? They've already set the scene?

Even if I went in with a positive attitude it wont change how they see me from a physical point of view. I've gone through life realizing that deep down I know the real answer it's the cold hard truth. Allot of ppl say im not bad looking but my results prove otherwise. I know the women I care about couldn't give a damn about me because there flooded with guys. When the truth comes through the reaction initially is denial, then anger and despair then eventually acceptance. It's like me breaking news to a patient regarding a diagnosis of cancer.

[Bluecheesenofleas]

'Only good looking men get the girl' Are you suggesting that every single man you see who has a girlfriend is good looking? That's the silliest thing I've read all day. Take off your blinkers and look around. Plenty of average dudes are in relationships. Smack yourself upside your head with a dose of reality.

 

They get the catch.

[emeraldgreen]

Dating is 20% skill, 80% attitude. Do you think The Rock or Jason Statham had trouble picking up? It's not the 20% holding you back, it's the rest.

 

Attitude = altitude.

 

We're not all wired up to pick up in public or persistent enough to put up with the constant rejection of OLD, but you do have to play the numbers game to some extent, like it or not. It's much more fun if you choose to like it.

 

Maybe a dating format that is more specific to your interests, ethnic preferences or some other particular thing might help you cut some of the numbers down. For instance, I travel to Thailand quite often and had a membership to Thai Cupid to line up some great dates and also make friends that I keep in touch with even years later.

[mark clemson]

So - first things first, suggest you talk to a therapist about your depression and other feelings.

 

Don't give up hope - many people "settle" in fact I've read that for most people "settling" is how marriage and kids get done. Not having a wife (or husband) at the level one would like DOES NOT AT ALL MEAN that life isn't worth living.

 

Although it's not something I would recommend, if you really truly feel that you are simply too unattractive, you might consider plastic surgery from a very skilled plastic surgeon if that's a possible option for you.

 

However, I'll tell you I firmly believe that even attractive men can have a lot of difficulty with women if they have no self-confidence - this is normally visible through body language (which many women are quite sensitive to) as well as in conversation. So, you'll absolutely want to work on that, first with therapy AND then with the types of gradual sequential steps Garcon described.

 

It sounds like for you quick results are not a reasonable expectation. That doesn't at all mean that gradual results won't work. Think about taking a 1% improvement per day approach. Keep that 1% improvement going consistently and you tend to get there in the end.

 

Once you're at a point where you can apply the following advice - I'd strongly suggest as part of this you work on your body language so that you project confidence. This will include posture, mannerisms to a certain extent, and the way you walk. As ridiculous as it sounds to a male, developing a sexy walk can have some amazing results with some women. So, suggest you incorporate body language into your gradual overhaul.

[basil67]

They get the catch.

 

Who gets the catch? And what catch are we speaking of?