Author john9999 Posted June 1, 2019 Author Posted June 1, 2019 (edited) I'm not quite as old as you, but I have recently been thinking I may spend the rest of my life single. Initially I really thought my last gf would be my lifelong partner, but her untreated BPD made it abundantly clear that was not happening My ex fiancé was and is an untreated BPD. It was the craziest relationship you could ever imagine. Edited June 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
chillii Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 I don't understand why people say OLD is so much different than real life. To me, the sample of people online is a pretty accurate reflection of people in real life. The harsh reality is OLD is an accurate reflection of your objective physical attractiveness. If all you're pulling on OLD is 4s and 5s, guess, what? You're a 4 or 5. OLD is the black pill of your looks. It's a tough pill to swallow because we tend to over inflate our physical looks. The major difference from a dating success perspective (for guys at least), is factors a woman might overlook if you met in real life because of chemistry, are automatic no-goes in the online world. Height, age, income, any of the superficial standards. In real life, you might approach a woman and you both find each other attractive. You have a great time and really hit it off. When she finds out you are 5'11" and not 6', she might overlook it because of your personality. But with OLD, if she puts 6 foot as her minimum height, you're automatically filtered out of her search. In Match, for example, if you're not in her Match filters your messages go into an "Other" folder, equivalent to a Junk folder. The plus side is you know people online are looking to date and it's easier to put yourself out there. In real life, women barely ever approach a guy they're attracted to. But they will online. So, the rejection factor is easier to overcome with online. But in general there's no difference in the quality of people online vs real life. The difference is the people rejecting you don't have to look at you in the eyes when they reject you, so what you're getting with OLD is the harsh truth of what the people you message think of you as a dating prospect. They can't use normal excuses like "I have a boyfriend" or "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" because they're on a dating website. So, you'll see a lot of your messages are read, but not replied too. Regarding OP. Yes, I think most people 35+ that are single feel that way. Especially if you've never been married and don't have any children. It's less to do with feeling like you're meant to be alone, and more along the lines of accepting the strong possibility that you will never have your own family. So you find other things in life that bring you satisfaction. For me, I'm in a career I genuinely love and so I pour my energy into that. I also love bodybuilding and am beginning to explore the world of competitive bodybuilding. I'm really getting into hiking as well. OP, it's important to find other things that bring you satisfaction in life. Then, if you happen to find someone, you won't make them the center of your world. A major mistake lonely people make is if any romantic interest pays them the least bit of attention, they drop everything and make this person the center of their universe. Overlook red flags and then end up heart broken. Taking a mindset that you are likely to be single the rest of your life and to be happy anyway is highly attractive. Then even if you don't find anyone, you'll still be enjoying life. So it's a win-win. People say what will you do when you are old if you don't have kids? Guess what. Half the couples my parent's age kids moved to other states and barely visit. They're busy with their careers and their kids education. So even if you have kids, there's no guarantee you won't feel alone. Even if you're married, half of the couples that are married don't really seem that happy to me. More like room mates. It's like once they retire and the kids are gone, they don't know what to do. They now should be focusing on enjoying each other's company and often find that they really don't have much in common. Now you're getting divorced and you're still alone, but as a guy, half your money is gone too. Yikes. We all die alone. A marriage and family can't cure your loneliness. We all have to find our meaning in something beyond another person. It's a healthier mindset and makes for a better relationship. And if you are going to get married, marry someone that has similar interests as you and that you genuinely enjoy their company. Don't base it on barely seeing each other with careers and then the rest of the time revolves around raising kids. Even so , it's not reality though and in a year or two online and she'll be finding that out. We can all look at stuff in the window we can't afford , don't mean shyt. Just read ls , in the end after all the hoo haa and so called numbers, that's the real reality for women or men. It's all through this place. When l was on there l met the pics of the crops yet even they were all on 4 or 5 date sites some for years and they'd had all the same effg around most people seem to have. Imo at the end of the day, finding love is hard for anyone.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 For me, I think it could go either way. I think there's a good chance I'll meet the right match, but I'm not really one for settling, so it's possible I'll stay single. I've met dozens of guys I could have settled with, but I feel I'd find such an arrangement uninspiring. I'm learning more and more to be happy on my own. Right now I'm focusing on financial and retirement planning, doing some side work for extra money, soon meeting with a mentor about starting up.a side business again, one that can hopefully grow to full time. I'm also focusing on fitness, health, becoming a better cook, creative projects. Oh, and learning how to clear my chakras and synthesize my shadow side so I can fully self actualize Powerful stuff! 3
guest569 Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 I'm learning more and more to be happy on my own. Right now I'm focusing on financial and retirement planning, doing some side work for extra money, soon meeting with a mentor about starting up.a side business again, one that can hopefully grow to full time. I'm also focusing on fitness, health, becoming a better cook, creative projects. Oh, and learning how to clear my chakras and synthesize my shadow side so I can fully self actualize Powerful stuff! Love it, I'm feeling inspired. There are so many ways to lead a fulfilling and fun life, and just getting out there and doing it yourself can be empowering. 2
planb1973 Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 My ex fiancé was and is an untreated BPD. It was the craziest relationship you could ever imagine. Well that would certainly mess with someones head.
max3732 Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 After a failed marriage, single for 6 years, then a failed engagement,,, as a 52 year old man I’m starting to think I’m just not meant to be with a woman for long term. I am getting more okay with this as time goes on. Dating has become a nightmare, especially here in Los Angeles. I have my grown children, my business and friends and maybe that has to be good enough. This is not meant to be a woe is me post. I just honestly think that I could be alone for rest of my life and that is okay. Who else feels this way? That's how I feel. Only had 1 real girlfriend my whole life. Nearly a 40 year old virgin. All my friends are married and have children and I'm starting to feel jealous and annoyed when they talk about their wives or kids. It's really rare me to actually go out with anyone and I've never had it go well. I made it to date #3 with 2 women over the past 5 years. Haven't kissed a girl in nearly 10 years. Every day I swipe through profiles on bumble/tinder and just signed up for match again. I'm trying but very discouraged.
rightondude Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 After a failed marriage, single for 6 years, then a failed engagement,,, as a 52 year old man I’m starting to think I’m just not meant to be with a woman for long term. I am getting more okay with this as time goes on. Dating has become a nightmare, especially here in Los Angeles. I have my grown children, my business and friends and maybe that has to be good enough. This is not meant to be a woe is me post. I just honestly think that I could be alone for rest of my life and that is okay. Who else feels this way? John maybe I missed it but what happened with the 30 year old single mom? 2
amaysngrace Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 No I don’t think I’ll be single forever. But if I am that’s okay too. 1
JuneL Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 John maybe I missed it but what happened with the 30 year old single mom? That’s my question as well. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 I'm in my 50s, single and I'm still expecting to date some more. Here's the irony, I've noticed with me and with others. Many of us got to be middle age and single involuntarily ... as a result of a relationship failing (in my case a marriage to a person with bpd and serious trauma). And then ... if we're single a while, we go through this process of really learning how to be independent, value ourselves as single people. You start off after a divorce sorta shuffling along ... and then at some point you really feel, Hey, it really is OK to be single. And in many cases, we realize, OMG, we were so immature when we were dating. Being single really allows you to grow as a person who doesn't put up with nonsense and figure out how to pick people who are better for us ... I feel more ready to date (as in mature) than I ever have ... and yet I'm dating the least I ever had. 4
Rayce Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 I have really been putting myself out there since New Years as far as dating...Not one guy 45+ has asked me out since I moved here in 2000. Being in my late 50's I hope guys my age or older would be interested but what I am finding is mostly guys in their 30's and early 40's asking me out. Guys my own age just don't seem interested. Just today at the gym this cute boxer asked me to hold the bag so he could punch at it... of course I said yes. I'm thinking where are all the guys my age? Why are they not here at the gym working out and flirting with me? lol...
alphamale Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 I'm thinking where are all the guys my age? lol... most of them are dead sister 1
Veronica73 Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 I'm in my 50s, single and I'm still expecting to date some more. Here's the irony, I've noticed with me and with others. Many of us got to be middle age and single involuntarily ... as a result of a relationship failing (in my case a marriage to a person with bpd and serious trauma). And then ... if we're single a while, we go through this process of really learning how to be independent, value ourselves as single people. You start off after a divorce sorta shuffling along ... and then at some point you really feel, Hey, it really is OK to be single. And in many cases, we realize, OMG, we were so immature when we were dating. Being single really allows you to grow as a person who doesn't put up with nonsense and figure out how to pick people who are better for us ... I feel more ready to date (as in mature) than I ever have ... and yet I'm dating the least I ever had. I got divorced about 4 years ago and am still very much in the shuffling along stage. And have let myself get in a giant rut. I’ve dated a little bit, but nothing very serious. And at this point, I’m not even interested. I think I need to focus on myself right now and take better care of myself. But I’m pretty sure once I’m feeling better about myself, I’m going to want to be in a relationship again. I think so anyway. Probably not marriage, but a long-term, exclusive relationship. But I’m 45 now, and I’ve heard from multiple people that that’s when women really start aging quickly. So....:\. I do worry my dating pool is going to be very, very shallow by the time I’ve gotten myself in a better place both mentally and physically. But, it is what it is. No use crying over spilt milk. Luckily I’m very introverted and independent. I enjoy having a lot of alone time, so it’s probably easier for me than people who don’t need a lot of alone time. most of them are dead sister Lol!
chillii Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 (edited) I have really been putting myself out there since New Years as far as dating...Not one guy 45+ has asked me out since I moved here in 2000. Being in my late 50's I hope guys my age or older would be interested but what I am finding is mostly guys in their 30's and early 40's asking me out. Guys my own age just don't seem interested. Just today at the gym this cute boxer asked me to hold the bag so he could punch at it... of course I said yes. I'm thinking where are all the guys my age? Why are they not here at the gym working out and flirting with me? lol... l suppose it depends on the sort of interests and people we know but l've got a couple of older mates , 2 much older, 70s, one of those is one of the coolest dudes l ever met. He's a harley man and just bought himself the latest 1900, still loves riding so he does a lot of that. Another one loves hiking in the mountains, and too dancing l think. Never met any interested in a gym they do real stuff but l met one guy 73, we were looking at he's house for sale, he does work out at home, he was built like a damn 30yr old couldn't believe it. He was selling up heading to Asia to retire in luxury and surround himself with 30yr old whores he joked . My brothers got a lot of mates of all ages and quite a few late 50s early 60s, l know a couple are into horses , one loves getting out fishing. The fisher one goes out pubbing now and then and brings home some floosey for a few nights then he's done with women for awhile again. l only know that because bro was telling me about the women he brings home, bloody funny. l know some are def' looking for the right women, been divorced or widowed, l hear all the stuff, but many are just sick of women and more interested in their hobbies and doin what they want. So l dunno , very mixed bag. l'm 50s and when l found myself single again after 20yrs ,longer actually 24 or 5, there seemed to be more women than ever coming out of the woodwork in the end, couldn't believe it, but it did take awhile for things to start happening and them to start popping up. But it does make sense because for every divorced man there's a divorced woman somewhere too . l know there's a few guys round ls here later 50s or older looking for a new woman too so they are all out there and around. Edited June 1, 2019 by chillii
Lotsgoingon Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 But I’m 45 now, and I’ve heard from multiple people that that’s when women really start aging quickly. So....:\. I do worry my dating pool is going to be very, very shallow by the time I’ve gotten myself in a better place both mentally and physically. But, it is what it is. No use crying over spilt milk. Luckily I’m very introverted and independent. I enjoy having a lot of alone time, so it’s probably easier for me than people who don’t need a lot of alone time. Don't get lost in this point of view. I know lots of women who have aged quite well. One of my mentors is 76 ... gorgeous and incredibly healthy. Another buddy of mine is 66 ... still quite attractive and pretty. And we age too brother. Don't get caught up in thinking otherwise. Get out there when you're ready and let yourself meet folks.
chillii Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 (edited) Yeah , trick is be realistic, look in the mirror and don't expect more than what you see. Gotta be a song in that line. l'm much younger than my years so l needed someone same. My woman is very similar and 8yrs younger than me plus she's still very youngish at that and in great shape for her age too so all considered we fit like a glove. So yeah there are plenty out there even at these ages but finding your match is a whole nother story. For me there was only one other in this 6yrs or so, but that's fine with me l have no interest in so called dating or wasting my time don't need that bullshyt so if someone right didn't turn up then to hell with it . Edited June 2, 2019 by chillii 1
LenaRea Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 I have been single for closing in on 7 years. Mostly by choice - I’m a single mom and decided I needed to change careers several years ago, in order to set the stage for providing a solid future for my daughter. We cannot rely on her father in any way. So, I went back to school. Received one degree, have been working in my new field for a couple of years and I just started courses again to finish another degree. I’ve just been so focused on getting to a better situation for her that I don’t make time for anything else. Dating, for sure has been at the bottom of the list. Plus, I’m tired. I’m in my early 40’s, I’ll be honest I really don’t want to deal with the judgement that comes with dating and someone else’s bs. Like another poster said, I don’t want to waste time weeding through the ones who play games or don’t know what they want. I absolutely DO know what I want and play zero games. Seems to me the general opinion from the male perspective is that’s not a good thing, despite how many say it's what they want but at the end of the day it seems to be a big turn-off. So, while I don’t want to be alone, I really don’t see finding a man who would be willing to be a partner, who would enjoy my “realness,” lack of games, and desire to have honest up front communication. I want a partner in crime who wants to be on the same page. But I don’t think that exists. Most of the men who’ve shown interest over the last 7 years have only viewed me as a sex object (which I’m not down for.) What signals I’m giving off in that regard, I don’t know, but I’ve found it’s best to simply not engage. That way there is zero confusion. I’m not looking for a hook up. Next.
todreaminblue Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Yeah , trick is be realistic, look in the mirror and don't expect more than what you see. Gotta be a song in that line. baby look in the mirror why wont you like what you see, you are so beautiful and always have been to me, look in the mirror and set yourself free, to just be you and be all you can be.... .....btw i hate freaking mirrors..but there is always a song...deb 2
Author john9999 Posted June 2, 2019 Author Posted June 2, 2019 John maybe I missed it but what happened with the 30 year old single mom? Yes somebody is paying attention to my post. She’s just too busy to date. She has no help with her four-year-old as all of her family is out of state.
alphamale Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 She has no help with her four-year-old as all of her family is out of state. maybe she should go back in state?
chillii Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 baby look in the mirror why wont you like what you see, you are so beautiful and always have been to me, look in the mirror and set yourself free, to just be you and be all you can be.... .....btw i hate freaking mirrors..but there is always a song...deb Ahh nice one deb. And your spot on , yep like what you see and find someone that suits what you see and who you are. 1
Rayce Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Never met any interested in a gym they do real stuff but l met one guy 73, we were looking at he's house for sale, he does work out at home, he was built like a damn 30yr old couldn't believe it. lol... this made me laugh because I'm wondering what is fake about working out at the gym? lol... "they do real stuff".. What is real stuff? Let me try some of that.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 I just turned 33 and I don’t think I’m going to be alone but I do wonder what actually is happening when people don’t date for yeeeeeaaaars. Because I do have the mindset of being comfortable with being single for as long as I will be at a given time and per history its normally not years. So though I’m okay with being single I still am open to dating in terms of putting up a dating profile, looking pretty, get out the house, and making time to get to know the guys that come my way. So I get action off that very little action I am doing. And I wonder if it’s because people are really not trying at all or don’t care or gave up when you find them single for years. Because my retired aunt has been single for years and she don’t leave the house hardly at all. I know she don’t online date because she don’t know how to operate a computer or tv without calling me lol. And she just seems so happy to be that way. Or are there people that do really try in terms of putting themselves out there and just don’t get dates. It’s one thing to try, get discouraged, and stop trying and don’t care if it happens or not. It’s another to try and try and try and get no results but keep trying. That’s not a fear for me now but that would be a fear if I experienced trying over and over again with no results. 1
Rayce Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 This is how it's been for me... I put myself out there like I have this year since New Years. I get very few dates and/or I have some bad experiences. After a while I just give up and go about my life... putting my head to the grind stone taking care of my buz… next thing I know years have passed. Then those closes to me... usually my family start nagging at me because I'm single so I start the process all over again. I also find that I get excluded a lot because of married peoples insecurities of having a single woman around. It has been very discouraging... I do have moments where I get really low and depressed. I am human after all. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 So yours have been a mix of try, get discouraged, give up, have a moment of stop focusing on it, and then try again. I get that. Rayce those moments you give up what’s the difference from when you try? Stop checking your inbox and stop going out with the mindset of meeting anyone new? Reason I ask I always wonder what people actually “do” if they decide they want to date/date again. Because I am not a fan of the idea of going out the house just to try to meet a man. I would go places and do things I would/can enjoy and if I meet someone great if I don’t well atleast it wasn’t waste of gas and energy. So if I ever did decide to check out of dating I imagine that part won’t stop. Checking your online dating inbox on a periodic basis doesn’t seem too much effort within itself but it would get emotionally discouraging if no prospects you like.
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