Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 It’s about respecting yourself and not settling for half a relationship on someone else’s terms. Just my opinion. Yes, she should have moved on a long time ago because of that fact. And, she was settling so it's on her to end it because he won't. But she would be wasting her time/emotion thinking that if she moves on it will open his eyes to something she thinks he's been in denial about -- that deep down he is in love with her but doesn't have the EQ to effectively communicate it. That's a load of crap. And, even if it's about EQ, does she really want a man she needs to "parent" into being the kind of man she wants? Make him be what she wants him to be? Frankenstein did that. It didn't go well.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Sorry for insisting :-) but..... No you are not. But it’s fine lol. I am aware he made it clear he did not want gf and bf. I missed the “from the beginning” from Op. like I mentioned in my original reaction to what she wrote I would have done this at 3 months assuming it was a regular dating situation getting to know each other to see if they want to be gf and bf and if he didn’t ask for exclusivity well he would have been a non option for me and my answer would be the same. Now even if he did make it clear before he started coming around to her dag on house everyday and meeting her dag on family and actually told her this is not going to be an offical exclusive relationship my answer would have been the same as soon when he first said no girlfriend. There would not have been coming around like that afterwards with me. If he did it after they got attached to the hip like that my answer would still be the same. Now if the situation actually was he came to her on some fwb set up and she actually agreed to it but in the middle of it changed her mind and started to argue with him because he is treating her like she agreed to theeeeeen I would say she should tell him “Joe I don’t want to be a fwb anymore” and move on. But I don’t get that vibe from her post. He tells her he loves her, he is meeting family, he is laid up in her house, and planning a trip and if I’m not mistaken she said he started saying those things at the time they were trip planning and meeting family. And she put in her post his actions is making her think she is nothing but a glorified F buddy. So to me that doesn’t sound like they got together on the premise that it’s an F buddy situation. It sounds like they have been dating on the premise of something more being in the cards and he begain to not claim her. Now I could be wrong. If it’s the case of being led to think they are going to be official but he is just not calling her girlfriend at the moment my answer is unapologetically the same. And yes she is to blame for not cutting the boy lose the first time he said “not my girlfriend” whenever that was. But that can and should be corrected even if she didn’t do it long time ago. And let me be clear. The choice to ignore a suitor has nothing to do with the guy. No one called him dishonest or a liar. This has everything to do with her going after what she wants. He is getting treated as a non option because again he made it clear that he is not a boyfriend. If a guy doesn’t want to be a boyfriend that’s fine his choice but instead of arguing and getting upset she should treat it him as such...a non dating option. Her cutting him off recognize that reality. She is a free agent and should move on as such. She should do what’s best for her which is exactly what this guy have been doing all along by the way. As I said before I don’t particularly care if she does a departure speech or not. I just dont want her to use it as an ultimatum. I personally have zero tolerance in dating for guys who are not a boyfriend and would come to me with some “we not together”mess. An actual boyfriend gets the courtesy of a breakup speech from me. A guy I am not yet exclusive with who shows interest in eventually being my boyfriend and shows consistency acting like a boyfriend but just hasn’t made me a girlfriend yet gets a courtesy of a breakup speech if I decided I don’t want to explore that possibility with him any more. A guy who makes it clear that I am not his girlfriend or he hasn’t verbally said “not a girlfriend” but it’s been three months of dating and he hasn’t asked for exclusivity will no longer be a dating option and gets ignored. I have an unapologetic zero tolerance in the before exclusivity stage of dating for flakes, orbiters, the disrespectful, guys who don’t act like a boyfriend, and guys who ain’t trying to be my boyfriend in dating (which Op is dealing with this category specifically). I feel no sense of “have to” towards those men. I only feel that sense of “have-to” for guys who show consistency that I end up not choosing or a guy that is my boyfriend but I’ve decided to breakup. And it’s because I operate this way I don’t have “not a girlfriend” type problems. Guys who devalue before exclusivity just gets devalued. Guys who recognize value are valued. Nothing against those guys that fall in those devalue categories by the way. They chose to do whatever is in their best interest. That’s okay no hard feelings. I just will do what’s in mines and will unapologetically encourage women to do the same. And I don’t think the love “gods” will strikes me to hell or other women down for it and if the only repercussion is that LS will judge for it then I’m okay with that lol. So again we will just have to agree to disagree my friend. 1
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 No you are not. But it’s fine lol. I am aware he made it clear he did not want gf and bf. I missed the “from the beginning” from Op. You are absolutely right, I re-read everything and she is not mentionning since when she's aware he has a problem with the title gf-bf. We will have to wait for OP to come back and add additional details.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 He doesn't deserve to be beaten up. Who is beating him up or suggests he should be beaten??? I missed that advice. I don’t see any advice that suggest he should get beat physically or even verbally. Unless you see him getting ignored as a beating. I guess ignoring him would be too harsh wouldn’t it? Poor guy no longer gets access to her place, her bed, probably her food, her family, her body, or to her in general without warning. Such a cruel cruel world......Please He will be just fine I promise 1
Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 You are absolutely right, I re-read everything and she is not mentionning since when she's aware he has a problem with the title gf-bf. We will have to wait for OP to come back and add additional details. They've had the conversation more than once. She also mentioned numerous arguments. And whenever I bring it up, all he has to say to me is "I'm sorry". She's heard it a number of times. I understand that, perhaps, since he isn't her boyfriend, there is nothing to break up from. But she should at least tell him he's no longer welcome at her place and that she doesn't want to continue with the friends with benefits arrangement.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Exactly this. If it's not working, break it off. Dating other men is a terrible idea, imo. She's not emotionally available, and using other men to make a point to her current man is not cool. I agree she should not date other men until she is ready of course. I don’t think nor would I ever suggest she should date men for the purpose to try to make this guy jealous or try to manipulate him on becoming a boyfriend. She should just cut off that guy and move on. But moving on does include choosing to date other men eventually if Op has the desire to want to be in a good relationship with a man that’s going to claim her and in my opinion there is nothing wrong that. I think she said in her original post she felt like she is wasting time with this guy when she could be dating or something like that. Im too lazy right now to go look lol. I have to admit the judgy push back on Op to go after her self interest is a little sickening to me But I get it. We all have different ways on how we would handle it.
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 They've had the conversation more than once. She also mentioned numerous arguments. I think it would make a difference if they've had these arguments over the past 7 months or over the past month. She's heard it a number of times. I understand that, perhaps, since he isn't her boyfriend, there is nothing to break up from. But she should at least tell him he's no longer welcome at her place and that she doesn't want to continue with the friends with benefits arrangement. I agree with you. They may not have been bf-gf but they did have a relationship that involved intimicy and emotional closeness, he is not in love with her doesn't mean he didn't care for her. Also by making a clean cut she will be avoiding him calling and calling trying to know what is going on and by the same creating unecessary drama and dragging this for nothing. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 I think it would make a difference if they've had these arguments over the past 7 months or over the past month. 1 argument over this subject was one too many . . . Frankly, even if he broke down and said "yeah, you're my girlfriend", no matter what, if he's not feeling that way about her, she's not going to be feeling like that anyway. It will be lip service. The reason this came up at all was because she wasn't feeling it from him. If he were treating her like a girlfriend and she was feeling confident/comfortable, there wouldn't be a need for a conversation. At this point, I wouldn't even have a conversation like that anyway. I'd just say I'm moving on and wish him well. I still want to know if they had ever had a conversation early on about overall dating goals. 1
kendahke Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 OP right now has a huge emotional mess she needs to be cleaning up, not finding a new relationship. Her part in where she is--because she's not a hapless victim--is her heavy lift to resolve. She said she didn't want to be this guy's glorified eff buddy... I can't see her turning around to go looking for eff buddy situations... so that leaves relationships and she's not emotionally ready to be in anything new. She needs to be doing her healing work so she can recognize this character and never repeat this behavior again. These are the parts that makes me question his actual feelings for her: I don't need him to ask me to be his girlfriend, but he straight up informs me that I'm not. Example: He introduces me as "His friend" or "His neighbor" and we had an argument about it due to the upcoming trip and me not knowing how to introduce him to my family if not as my boyfriend and all he said is "Well I'm not going to introduce you as my girlfriend if you're not" Unless that's a typo, on top of everything else, he's mind effing her. This is mean and I think it speaks volumes on how he esteems her. Hopefully, she is off with her family by herself and is coming up with her exit plan.
preraph Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 well if you haven't even agreed to be exclusive to each other than you need to be dating other guys and maybe that will light a fire under him. Being exclusive isn't just a benefit you. He isn't afraid of losing you because you're the one begging to be exclusive. So play by his rules and start seeing other people as well and see how he likes that and if perhaps he might want to lock you down.
Els Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 I don't need him to ask me to be his girlfriend, but he straight up informs me that I'm not. Example: He introduces me as "His friend" or "His neighbor" and we had an argument about it due to the upcoming trip and me not knowing how to introduce him to my family if not as my boyfriend and all he said is "Well I'm not going to introduce you as my girlfriend if you're not" Yeah, that would be a dealbreaker, IMO. I've never even seen this happen except among young people in VERY conservative cultures where it's frowned upon to have a gf/bf before a certain age. An adult man in a developed country doing this would be such a ginormous red flag that you could see it from the moon. 1
Iris The Butterfly Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 (edited) I was in a similar although much shorter situation last year. I met a guy who pursued me a lot and we were spending half the week together, every weekend, met each others' friends, spending a lot of quality time together, the holidays nonstop, contact every day, my birthday, gifts, etc. We spent a lot of time together. From the start he said he wasn't seeing anyone else and really liked me. The closer we got I fell for him, naturally. Around 3 months in he came to some epiphany that he wasn't ready for a relationship and wasn't looking for a girlfriend. Introduced me as a 'friend'. Felt badly and guilty I could tell, he said how much he liked me, he was recently out of a long term relationship, still heartbroken, etc. I backed off. But I found it confusing that he would still contact me every day, ask to see me and want to have that time together (sex included). It baffled me, and hurt. For 6 weeks longer I continued to see him until I realized I deserved better and this was all he was willing to offer. We DID have a conversation, where I pretty much said, "I'm looking for more than this, and I can't see you anymore if you're not looking for a relationship. Go ahead and deal with your feelings for your ex, go out and play the field if that's what you want. I'm just not going to be a part of it." He was surprised, but he knew I was ready to walk and follow through. I insisted we exchange our things, he kept holding it off, but I set a time and place and gave him back his stuff. He wanted one last time together. We spent a very nice evening together, and he left. That night he looked at me and said, "you're really a good woman, Littlebridge." (As if he knew he was treating me less than what I deserve. I truly believe he felt that way.) That was the last time I saw him. He texted me the next day and said how great it was, etc. Texted once or twice after. He left on an international trip and I thought for sure he would want to see me before he left, but he didn't. He left for the trip and we never spoke again. Funny, the last conversation via text we had was very friendly, he said something in response to a question and I just never reached out again. He had the decency to no longer drag it out. He saw how much I liked him and he didn't want to lead me on. So now, after much time has passed, I was able to forgive this guy, he didn't set out to pull one over on me. He got the courage up to reveal his true intentions, after he realized where his head was at. He knew by setting the boundary that it was my choice to continue, no guilt on his end. I chose to continue, and so it did. But... I think regardless he did feel guilty. He couldn't keep seeing me knowing we weren't on the same page. And vice versa. There was no doubt that he liked me, thought I was great, loved my company, felt something towards me, had caring feelings and was infatuated, etc, even was jealous of other men, but I think once he realized he wasn't willing to give more he felt so guilty he had to tell me so I was free to make an informed choice. If I could do it again, as soon as he said, "I'm not ready for a relationship" and once that 3 months had passed, I would've cut him loose, instead of dragging it out, feeling hurt for another almost 2 months. He knew I deserved more and wanted more. I told him how I felt and followed through with it by never contacting him again or chasing, or seeking that 'goodbye'. I didn't give him an ultimatum, I didn't say, "I'm going to be dating other men now", I just told him what I wanted and what I wasn't going to be a part of. More importantly I knew after almost 5 months if he didn't want me to be his one and only, he wasn't going to. I couldn't force him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I know that I acted with integrity and kept my dignity. And not that it matters, but I'm positive that he respected me more for it. You have to know what you want, not accept what you don't want, and be willing to walk away with dignity. No conversation is needed, no break up speech. If I were you, OP, I would tell him, "I've really loved all the time we've spent together, but I'm looking for a boyfriend and a serious relationship. I can see you're not on the same page. Best of luck." No ultimatums, no announcing you're going to date others. Just walk. Edited June 2, 2019 by littlebridge 2
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 1 argument over this subject was one too many . . . Frankly, even if he broke down and said "yeah, you're my girlfriend", no matter what, if he's not feeling that way about her, she's not going to be feeling like that anyway. It will be lip service. The reason this came up at all was because she wasn't feeling it from him. If he were treating her like a girlfriend and she was feeling confident/comfortable, there wouldn't be a need for a conversation. At this point, I wouldn't even have a conversation like that anyway. I'd just say I'm moving on and wish him well. I still want to know if they had ever had a conversation early on about overall dating goals. What I meant by it would make a difference is if he waited 7 months to tell her he doesn't want a GF then he was misleading her. She didn't ask and he didn't volunteer. If he told her from the beginning lets say from 2-3 months in and she let it unfold up to 9 months then this is on her totally. The end results doesn't change she dumps him,, but there is a lesson here for OP to learn. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 What I meant by it would make a difference is if he waited 7 months to tell her he doesn't want a GF then he was misleading her. She didn't ask and he didn't volunteer. If he told her from the beginning lets say from 2-3 months in and she let it unfold up to 9 months then this is on her totally. The end results doesn't change she dumps him,, but there is a lesson here for OP to learn. Yes which is why I keep asking if they ever had a conversation early on about their overall dating goals but she never answers that question.
Author Anaira Posted June 3, 2019 Author Posted June 3, 2019 You are absolutely right, I re-read everything and she is not mentionning since when she's aware he has a problem with the title gf-bf. We will have to wait for OP to come back and add additional details. I only recently began the discussion about a month and a half ago, when we started talking about going to meet each other’s families, because of the fact that I couldn’t see myself flying out with someone to introduce him as “my neighbor”
Author Anaira Posted June 3, 2019 Author Posted June 3, 2019 Anyways! I haven’t posted any answers, because quite frankly I forgot about this page he asked me yesterday, and showed me a text he sent his sister two months ago, planning to ask me to be his girlfriend on the plane. 1
Fekenaws Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 9 months is a VERY long time to determine whether or not you want a label on a relationship. With my last ex, it took about 4-5 months to finally decide we were dating, and by that point I just assumed we were dating because we were exclusive for a good while. When my "then-current" GF asked me if we could officially date I was confused, because in my mind we already were dating. Point being, if he is opposed to nailing it down when you ask him, something is up.
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 he asked me yesterday, and showed me a text he sent his sister two months ago, planning to ask me to be his girlfriend on the plane. That's a lot of waiting & a ton of drama for a label of GF. I'm glad you are getting what you wanted but geeesh that seems like such an ordeal. 1
Author Anaira Posted June 3, 2019 Author Posted June 3, 2019 That's a lot of waiting & a ton of drama for a label of GF. I'm glad you are getting what you wanted but geeesh that seems like such an ordeal. Completely unnecessary. As if asking on the plane would’ve been some grand gesture 2
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 That's the part I don't get. . .his idea that asking is some grand gesture. More importantly why he thought you'd even get ON the plane thinking he was going to tell people you were the neighbor. Granted his actions always said GF but seriously. . . all this over a label.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 Completely unnecessary. As if asking on the plane would’ve been some grand gesture I’ll say! He caused drama to you and this damn thread :laugh:
kendahke Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 Anyways! I haven’t posted any answers, because quite frankly I forgot about this page he asked me yesterday, and showed me a text he sent his sister two months ago, planning to ask me to be his girlfriend on the plane. He probably photoshopped that text. I could see him planning to ask you on the top of a mountain or at a beach or sky diving/paragliding, but on an airplane? 1
stillafool Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 He probably photoshopped that text. I could see him planning to ask you on the top of a mountain or at a beach or sky diving/paragliding, but on an airplane? Well I don't know Kendahke, he may have realized that was a good way to ensure a mile high experience. 2
Author Anaira Posted June 3, 2019 Author Posted June 3, 2019 He probably photoshopped that text. I could see him planning to ask you on the top of a mountain or at a beach or sky diving/paragliding, but on an airplane? I mean, I’m no expert but that would be a bit difficult seeing as he didn’t show me a screenshot, i saw him actually scroll through months of texts to find it lol
kendahke Posted June 4, 2019 Posted June 4, 2019 I mean, I’m no expert but that would be a bit difficult seeing as he didn’t show me a screenshot, i saw him actually scroll through months of texts to find it lol And wasn't it a bit insulting that he's had these conversations months ago, knowing all along how you feel about this label issue and nonetheless, he's still got his arm stretched out, hand on your head, keeping you at bay? He's managing you and your expectations lol...
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