ExpatInItaly Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 No way in heck I would continue dating him at this point, let alone bring him home to meet my family. He's been clear you are not his girlfriend. It also seems that you are not going to become his girlfriend either. After 9 months, you'd both know if he wanted to commit to you and consider yourselves as partners. He doesn't, unfortunately. He's enjoying all the benefits of a relationship that you provide, without actually calling you his girlfriend. Whether or not you want to continue doing so is up to you, but you know where he stands - and it's not on the same page as you. He isn't stringing you along when he's been vocal about the fact that this isn't a relationship. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 I'd take one last stab at this. Sit him down & talk to him. Point out all the things you like about the relationship & ask him why the label freaks him out so much. Explain that him holding back that word -- GF -- hurts your feelings. Ask him if he means to drive a stake through your heart regularly & if he is willing to stop doing that. Do not raise your voice at all during this. Don't attack. Just state your position that you are hurt & ask him if he as a solution. Once you get his side of this, then make a decision if this "relationship" will make it to 10 months.
stillafool Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 I'm afraid I'm just wasting my time with him when I could be dating and finding someone that's willing to give me the relationship I deserve. I don't know what to do anymore, help You're right you are wasting your time. How much longer are you going to wait before you break up and find someone who wants to commit? He would know by now if he wanted to be exclusive with you. 1
Gaeta Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 I'd take one last stab at this. Sit him down & talk to him. Point out all the things you like about the relationship & ask him why the label freaks him out so much. Explain that him holding back that word -- GF -- hurts your feelings. Ask him if he means to drive a stake through your heart regularly & if he is willing to stop doing that. Do not raise your voice at all during this. Don't attack. Just state your position that you are hurt & ask him if he as a solution. Once you get his side of this, then make a decision if this "relationship" will make it to 10 months. hhmmm he knows plenty this situation hurts her feelings they've been arguing about it. And she doesn't need to know why the label scares him so much, knowing why won't change the situation he doesn't want her as a gf. At this point sitting down for a conversation would be the same as giving cpr to someone already dead. It won't change anything. 2
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 I agree with Gaeta sitting him down is a waste of time, he knows how hurtful it is, he knows he should be stepping up to the plate after 2 months never mind 9 months, but he doesn't want to do it. He doesn't have to do it... If pressed and cornered I guess he will just come out with a whole load of lies to keep the OP on board... To some, regular sex without any commitment = the jackpot. 3
crispytoast Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 (edited) 1) heeeey I was kidding on the "sorry" everything else im so not kidding 2) he made it very clear that he is not her boyfriend. so there is no relationship to "leave". she can do whatever she wants and this whatever the hell it is not working for her. 3) she is choosing to date other men because he made it clear that he dont see her as a girlfriend. so when you ignore someone and date other men that is the epitome of "just leave". how much more "leave" then that you feel needs to be done. ooooh I see you think she should say "Joe I am leaving you" when he made it clear that they are not together. miss me with that lol 4) he is not her enemy. he is just not an option anymore. big difference. and please tell me how she would be poisoning herself? her ignoring him and dating other men serves her best interest. she poisons herself staying with him trying to be his girlfriend when he doesnt want that and being strung along for six months. Sorry I was a little deep into a bottle of wine when I wrote that and you may have struck a chord you're ok no hard feelings Ok but on serious note they've been together 9 months exclusively. Even if the dude is dense as hell and being pretty rude, they have a relationship. When I say the poisoning thing, it's about not dating other men just to spite him. I'm saying its worth it to get to the bottom of what this is and then end it if it seems necessary. Dating other people right now when she's clearly in some emotional turmoil over the situation she's in has potential to create feelings of guilt -- not that she should feel that way -- and also could cause unnecessary drama that complicated things further. I'm also a believer in processing your relationship and at least getting somewhat over it before diving back into the dating pool. I've done that multiple times in the past (dived into the dating pool) and it always resulted in me feeling a little conflicted and usually bringing whatever I'm still processing into the new intimacy. A little bit of me time and self-care would ideally make her more capable of going into the next whatever she goes into with open eyes and hopefully a wiser perspective. And the enemy thing, Ive always interpreted the "enemy" in that proverb as whatever opposing force is making me frustrated. Edited June 1, 2019 by crispytoast 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 crispy nine months is a decent amount of time to feel a connection and attachment. however again this guy has made it clear to not only her but also her family how he regards this "intimacy" as a non-relationship. you say they have a relationship simply because of the length of time they spent together but this guy has made it very clear that it is NOT A RELATIONSHIP. Ops feelings of wanting this guy to be her boyfriend and being sad over what he says and whatever other attachments she feels isnt going to go away with a snap of her fingers of course. all of us who say dump him is not promising that those feelings will go away. it definitely wont. however she does need to realize that this guy does not want to be in a relationship with her and she needs to just move on and stop wasting time on him. there is nothing to get to "the bottom of" he made it clear already. and the idea of moving on is mileage may vary. some people want to take time to themselves before jumping back on the horse of dating and thats fine too. some people say well its over or we didnt have a relationship let me find a guy that wants to be with me and treat me right and I say thats fine too. if one wants a relationship then its okay if they decides to date and get over some clown thats not even claiming them and wasting their time lol. but the point is she does need to leave guy alone all together and move on whether she remains single or starts dating.
Gaeta Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 I don't think dating other men while keeping this one in her life is a good idea. She's in love with him and we can't just switch our feelings to off just like that. They've been spending every night together for the past 7 months, how can she date others with that dynamic? She needs to make a clean cut with this guy and I don't care if she is dating another man 24 hours later, but dating other men while continuing with the life she has with this one is not what I call living with integrity. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 The OP can "feel" that this guy isn't connected/attached to her enough which is why she keeps wanting to have conversations. But that alone should tell her where he's at and neither he nor she can change that. If he's isn't connected to her on that level by now, it's not going to happen. And, I wouldn't demonize this guy either. He's content with the way things are. She's not. I do think the guy is a wuss and has crossed into the realm of being a user because he is well aware of what she wants and he isn't able to give it to her so he should man up and move on. But, since he's not doing that, she needs tell him that she is moving on. If he isn't treating her like a girlfriend, she shouldn't be treating him like a boyfriend. He doesn't stay over, they don't have sex and they don't spend time with each other on a regular basis even. One more thing, OP. This guy made it clear to you before that he wasn't all in (several arguments ago). You are complicit in this situation. So, stand tough on your position now and tell him you're moving on. He can plead and promise all he wants, but that ship has sailed. You aren't on the same page, not even in the same book it seems. Did you two ever have a conversation early on in dating about each other's overall dating goals? To me this guy sounds more like a parasite. A guy who just dates women who will allow him to get away with -- well what he's getting away with. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 (edited) I don't think dating other men while keeping this one in her life is a good idea. She's in love with him and we can't just switch our feelings to off just like that. They've been spending every night together for the past 7 months, how can she date others with that dynamic? She needs to make a clean cut with this guy and I don't care if she is dating another man 24 hours later, but dating other men while continuing with the life she has with this one is not what I call living with integrity. I don’t think her or any persons “integrity” is tarnished if she choose to ignore this clown and move on with her life. People who get strung along and flat out told they are not the girlfriend is within their own right to believe what was told to them and move on. And if he want to know why she not effing with him anymore (if he would even give a damn) she can let him know then. I suspect a lot of the advice on here to announce a departure is to give the guy one last chance to change his mind . Everybody is so dead set of treating this guy like a boyfriend and give him some breakup speech as if it’s the “right thing” when he made it clear she is not a girlfriend so it’s not even a thing smh. Op whether you decide to give a departure speech or not. Whether you decide to date soon after or not. I just hope you choose to move on however you do it. Good luck. Edited June 1, 2019 by Curiousroxy86 2
crispytoast Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 Yeah in hindsight I don't really care if guy gets a second chance he seems relatively apathetic anyway. Leaning toward agreement with you on breaking it off with him Roxy. I still think though that it's well in her best interest to do that before she sets out to hit the dating pool, and that's the integrity part. Maybe with like a week or month of self-reflection (or more) afterward so she doesn't get into a similar kind of relationship and can reestablish her individuality.
Gaeta Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 (edited) I don’t think her or any persons “integrity” is tarnished if she choose to ignore this clown and move on with her life. People who get strung along and flat out told they are not the girlfriend is within their own right to believe what was told to them and move on. And if he want to know why she not effing with him anymore (if he would even give a damn) she can let him know then. I suspect a lot of the advice on here to announce a departure is to give the guy one last chance to change his mind . Everybody is so dead set of treating this guy like a boyfriend and give him some breakup speech as if it’s the “right thing” when he made it clear she is not a girlfriend so it’s not even a thing smh. Op whether you decide to give a departure speech or not. Whether you decide to date soon after or not. I just hope you choose to move on however you do it. Good luck. Remember he sleeps at her place every night of the week, she cannot just ignore him. Their daily routine is intwined together. She needs to put her big girl pants on and end it like a woman. He comes by, she gives him his stuff, she gets her keys back. Nothing more. No drama, no crisis, and NO this has nothing to do with hoping for a last chance, that is treating people the way you'd like to be treated even when they do you wrong. Ignoring is for the weak and coward especially after 9 months. No one put a gut to her head to remain in this relationship. She willingly participated to it and was fully informed of his take on it. He did not lie or mistreat her, he deserves a clean break up. Edited June 1, 2019 by Gaeta 3
Redhead14 Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 Absolutely she should do it respectfully and with dignity for both of them. There is no reason to treat him poorly. She allowed him to be there every night for so long. She didn't do what she should have done a long time ago. He could/should have also but he didn't mistreat her apparently or cheat on her or whatever. "Xname, I want more than you are able and/or willing to give me. I'm sorry but this isn't working for me. I wish you all the best". 2
d0nnivain Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 hhmmm he knows plenty this situation hurts her feelings they've been arguing about it. And she doesn't need to know why the label scares him so much, knowing why won't change the situation he doesn't want her as a gf. At this point sitting down for a conversation would be the same as giving cpr to someone already dead. It won't change anything. We regret in life more what we don't do then what we do that doesn't work. Taking action gives you the satisfaction of knowing you tried. I also never assume what somebody else knows. I only deal with facts that I can prove -- specifically I point blank told them what I need them to know about my feelings. Although it does seem logical that he should know what the flashpoint is, assuming that leaves some room for error. Knowing it and hearing her confirm it are different things. On the possibility that her spelling it out for him may change his mind, she doesn't have much to lose by talking.
FMW Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 He introduces me as "His friend" or "His neighbor" That's really insulting and hurtful. Nine months is way too long to not be able to move to the girlfriend stage when you're practically living together. You're wasting your time with this guy, move on. 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Remember he sleeps at her place every night of the week, she cannot just ignore him. Their daily routine is intwined together. She needs to put her big girl pants on and end it like a woman. He comes by, she gives him his stuff, she gets her keys back. Nothing more. No drama, no crisis, and NO this has nothing to do with hoping for a last chance, that is treating people the way you'd like to be treated even when they do you wrong. Ignoring is for the weak and coward especially after 9 months. No one put a gut to her head to remain in this relationship. She willingly participated to it and was fully informed of his take on it. He did not lie or mistreat her, he deserves a clean break up. She CAN do what she wants He DESERVES not to get yelled at or cussed out or verbally shamed or attacked for going after his self interest which I believe in respecting a mans choice always. So If she choose to cut off the gravy train and just move on then he will not experience any of that so he will be just fine I agree if this guy has her key then she should get it back and I would see a reason to have a brief conversation in this case we will just have to agree to disagree on what integrity, bravery, and womanhood actually means especially in terms of dealing with a guy who has made it clear that they are not boyfriend girlfriend Whether she gives a farewell speech or not is really not my focus. Moving on is. I just hope she doesn’t try to use it as giving him a one last chance ultimatum masking it as a farewell speech.
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 we will just have to agree to disagree on what integrity, bravery, and womanhood actually means especially in terms of dealing with a guy who has made it clear that they are not boyfriend girlfriend Sorry for insisting :-) but..... He made her aware since beginning he did not want the GF-BF, and she chose out of her free will to continue with him knowing this, so 9 months down the line who she has to blame really? Herself. He was honest from the beginning so why suddenly look down on him and treat him like he's a liar or dishonest. He's not. 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 He likes you but he knows you're not The One. In the meantime until he meets someone he falls in love with, he still has companionship and sexual needs. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 (edited) It was not a secret to her. She was in denial for some time about this and hoping, perhaps, he might come around. But, in the end, she was a willing party to this. He was honest with her whenever she pushed the issue. Again, I do think he should have done the manly thing when he realized she wanted more and he wasn't going to be able to give it to her but she can't control what he does, she can only control how she deals with him. PERIOD. He doesn't deserve to be beaten up. He wasn't intentionally stringing her along. She was doing that to herself. One of the things a strong, secure, independent, intelligent woman can do for herself is accept accountability for her role in certain situations and take control instead of playing the victim. Edited June 2, 2019 by Redhead14 4
introverted1 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 He made her aware since beginning he did not want the GF-BF, and she chose out of her free will to continue with him knowing this, so 9 months down the line who she has to blame really? Herself. He was honest from the beginning so why suddenly look down on him and treat him like he's a liar or dishonest. He's not. Exactly this. If it's not working, break it off. Dating other men is a terrible idea, imo. She's not emotionally available, and using other men to make a point to her current man is not cool. 1
Calmandfocused Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 I disagree with the poster who said this man is not mistreating the op. Granted he was honest from the beginning about his intentions. However people who want a NSA “relationship” put firm boundaries in place to respect the feelings of the other party and to avoid giving mixed messages about their intentions. What they don’t do is spend 7 nights a week with the other person, act all lovey dovey, meet the friends/ family and have a matching pair of fluffy slippers. Very selfish behaviour as far as I can see. All on his terms, how he wants the “relationship” to be with no care or consideration as to the mixed messages he is giving the op. That is a massive disparity here between what he says and what he does. What I do agree with is giving him the space to see what it’s really like to be “single” and completely without you. I predict that this will knock some sense into him. At the moment he has things exactly as he wants them. Don’t date other men or even threaten it. You don’t want that and it’s not fair to drag someone else into this. Just disappear for a while and build your own life away from him. As I said I think he’ll start to see things differently. Very quickly. 1
elaine567 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Trouble is if you shut him out tomorrow he may not be that bothered, sorry to say.. Some men just do not rate women that highly, he will just pick up some other woman to do the same with. OR he may go looking for the love of his life, someone who he does consider as relationship material and he may even promptly marry her...
Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 I predict that this will knock some sense into him. At the moment he has things exactly as he wants them . . . Just disappear for a while and build your own life away from him. As I said I think he’ll start to see things differently. Very quickly. So she should create a perceived ultimatum in the hopes that he will all of a sudden fall in love with her and come running after???? She is not a victim. She is complicit because she's addressed it a number of times and accepted everything less than what she needs to hear from him. This is as much on her as it is on him. She allowed it. She was treating him like a boyfriend, while accepting treatment that was less than what she should/would expect from a boyfriend. That doesn't mean he was treating her badly. This man is not in love with her. I agree he has things the way he wants them. He isn't going to change just because she pulls away. All that will do is cause him to up his "game" temporarily and she will continue to string herself along again. Of course, he'll run after her -- he had it made. He won't be running after her because he loves her so much he can't do without her, he'll run after her because he doesn't want things to change. She's called him out, so to speak, on this a number of times and all he says is "he's sorry". Not, "you know, Xname, I love you, I see a future with you and I want you to be my girlfriend". And, then after he says it, he actually starts treating her like she's his girlfriend. If she gets off on her own, she needs to stay that way until another guy who can meet her needs comes along. Not because she's waiting for this guy to be her knight in shining armor. 2
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Granted he was honest from the beginning about his intentions. However people who want a NSA “relationship” put firm boundaries in place to respect the feelings of the other party and to avoid giving mixed messages about their intentions. And OP is responsible for letting it happen. She's not a raggy-doll she's capable of thinking and setting boundaries as well. She could have said no more than 2 sleepovers untill we are official. When I was dating I didn't expect the men I dated to watch for my back, I am responsible for my own back and if the speech doesn't math behavior I have to acknowledge the red flags. I was in OP's situation and I broke it off after 1 year I wasn't mad at him, I knew I was 100% responsible for letting it go on. WE are responsible for what we bring into our lives. 1
Calmandfocused Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 What’s done can’t be undone. Yes the op should have asserted her boundaries firmly earlier and not let it continue this long. Maybe she was satisfied with this “arrangement” in the beginning. Who knows? However what’s important that this isn’t working for her now. Him: Yes. Her: No. All she can do is change her behaviour/ responses now. She knows this relationship isn’t what she wants so she needs to do something differently. He’s not going to. Yes I do think disappearing will knock some sense into him. He has 2 choices doesn’t he? Give her the relationship that she wants or leave her alone for good to find the relationship she wants. Personally I believe it will be the former. I don’t think anyone spends 7 nights a week with someone they don’t love. I think he’s scared of commitment frankly. Although I do find it very difficult to fathom why some people are so frightened of the Boyfriend/ girlfriend title. It’s not marriage, a child, or a joint mortgage application. It can end at any time. It’s not about manipulating anyone. It’s about respecting yourself and not settling for half a relationship on someone else’s terms. Just my opinion.
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