Nine months and nothing

[Anaira]

Hey everyone,

 

So, I've been dating a guy for the past nine months now, and everything has been going great, to the point where we practically live together, because we've spent every night together for at least 7 months now, if not more. We're exclusive, we rarely fight, he tells me he loves me, we're even planning a trip together this summer to meet the rest of each others respective families but… we're not official. It's been NINE MONTHS and we still aren't official. I know he had a bad breakup before me, but even so, this is excessive. And whenever I bring it up, all he has to say to me is "I'm sorry". I'm afraid I'm just wasting my time with him when I could be dating and finding someone that's willing to give me the relationship I deserve.

 

 

I don't know what to do anymore, help

[The Outlaw]

He may just be afraid of commitment, but that is a LONG time to be together and not be official. Try talking to him more about it and try to find a solution. But if you feel that he can't commit, don't let him hold you back. You've got to do what you feel is right for you.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Yes you are wasting your time. There is no need to rush being official, but 9 months is WAY too long w/out a commitment. If I were you, I'd start dating other guys.

[emeraldgreen]

If you're exclusive, you're official. Never in 25 years of dating have I ever asked a girl "will you be my girlfriend?". I've just gone right ahead and called them my gf until they weren't.

[alphamale]

tell him you want to take a 'break' for 3 or 4 weeks. then tell him you need the time off to think about the relationship.

 

see what happens after this

[chillii]

Hey everyone,

 

So, I've been dating a guy for the past nine months now, and everything has been going great, to the point where we practically live together, because we've spent every night together for at least 7 months now, if not more. We're exclusive, we rarely fight, he tells me he loves me, we're even planning a trip together this summer to meet the rest of each others respective families but… we're not official. It's been NINE MONTHS and we still aren't official. I know he had a bad breakup before me, but even so, this is excessive. And whenever I bring it up, all he has to say to me is "I'm sorry". I'm afraid I'm just wasting my time with him when I could be dating and finding someone that's willing to give me the relationship I deserve.

 

 

I don't know what to do anymore, help

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah tbh , l dunno wth official is never even had that is it a convo or some shyt, with a woman.lf l was with someone, then we obviously are and that's that. l never did casual bs.

How old is he ?

Anyway , he tells you right there your wasting your time, that not good. l think too you need to step away for a few weeks and think about just what is wasting your time anyway. And if he can't tell you that after a few weeks then yeah you def' are wasting your time.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Does he introduce you as his girlfriend?

Do you want him to call you his girlfriend?

Does he?

Being exclusive and doing everything you say you’re doing IS an official relationship.

What is he NOT saying that makes you feel this way? When you bring it up and he says “sorry” what is it that you’re asking for? If he says anything along the lines of “I’m not ready for a serious relationship” or “let’s just keep things as they are” and doesn’t introduce you as his gf or refers to you as a couple, then despite all the other things he’s doing with you that DO indicate an official relationship, he would be wasting your time.

Edited June 1, 2019 by littlebridge

[Anaira]

If you're exclusive, you're official. Never in 25 years of dating have I ever asked a girl "will you be my girlfriend?". I've just gone right ahead and called them my gf until they weren't.

 

I don't need him to ask me to be his girlfriend, but he straight up informs me that I'm not.

 

Example: He introduces me as "His friend" or "His neighbor" and we had an argument about it due to the upcoming trip and me not knowing how to introduce him to my family if not as my boyfriend and all he said is "Well I'm not going to introduce you as my girlfriend if you're not"

[Anaira]

Does he introduce you as his girlfriend?

Do you want him to call you his girlfriend?

Does he?

Being exclusive and doing everything you say you’re doing IS an official relationship.

What is he NOT saying that makes you feel this way? When you bring it up and he says “sorry” what is it that you’re asking for? If he says anything along the lines of “I’m not ready for a serious relationship” or “let’s just keep things as they are” and doesn’t introduce you as his gf or refers to you as a couple, then despite all the other things he’s doing with you that DO indicate an official relationship, he would be wasting your time.

 

That's just the thing, he doesn't tell me where I stand AT ALL, just that I'm not his girlfriend everything indicates that we are in a relationship, we've met each others friends and family, but when it comes down to it even if labels are unnecessary him blatantly refusing a label after almost a year makes me feel like a glorified ****buddy

[Iris The Butterfly]

That's just the thing, he doesn't tell me where I stand AT ALL, just that I'm not his girlfriend everything indicates that we are in a relationship, we've met each others friends and family, but when it comes down to it even if labels are unnecessary him blatantly refusing a label after almost a year makes me feel like a glorified ****buddy

 

Ok. If he’s not happily and eagerly calling you his girlfriend then yes at 9 months he’s had plenty of time and is milking it to get the good times and benefits of a bf. I think you should tell him if I’m not your girlfriend I don’t want to continue and I’ll be open to dating other men. If he doesn’t like it then he’ll make that known by giving you the title.

[kendahke]

Why would you want to take him to meet your family if he can't even commit to you? I'd back off of asking him this, I'd take that time with my family visit --ALONE-- to really think about this relationship, how much of me I'd invested in it and if I could afford to part with 24 more months of my youth waiting on him who has a 50.1+ chance to still say "I'm sorry" when this comes up again.

 

It's really up to whether you can like the person you'll have to become waiting on him to give you a satisfactory answer.

 

He's had enough time to figure this out. If he is that damaged from his previous breakup, then he needed a therapist, not a girlfriend to get over that.

 

Take that trip by yourself and turn the phone off. Give yourself time to really think about where you're going to invest the youth you have right now.

 

Until then, I refer you to my tagline below:

[Lotsgoingon]

Dump him ...

 

Forget the excuse of bad previous breakup. We have all have bad previous breakups!

 

Either he really isn't ready to date, or doesn't like you ... or simply likes torturing you. You're not getting anything commitment wise from him.

 

You're walking into dangerous territory with your heart with absolutely no pretense of a net. And of course, there's the possibility that he is seeing someone else--which doesn't break any of his commitment to you because he has refused to commit.

 

Dump him. Move on.

 

When he calls you to ask why, tell him, well I'll tell you why I'm dumping you with the same depth that you explained your refusal to commit.Then go silent.

[kendahke]

OP--please don't think that the presence of either of your families is going to make a grown man do what he has absolutely no intention on doing. You can't shame him into doing it--and you wouldn't want it if it had to come by this route only.

 

 

Let him go.

[jspice]

 

Example: He introduces me as "His friend" or "His neighbor" and we had an argument about it due to the upcoming trip and me not knowing how to introduce him to my family if not as my boyfriend and all he said is "Well I'm not going to introduce you as my girlfriend if you're not"

 

He has told you where you stand though. You’re not his girlfriend. Don’t have another conversation about this. You deserve better.

[Curiousroxy86]

I would ignore him and date other men

 

And if he complains I would say “sorry”.

 

Jk on the “sorry” response. If he asks (only if he asks) why I am ignoring him I would say “hey Joe I like you but I am looking for a boyfriend and that doesn’t seem to be your thing. No hard feelings hun” and keep it moving

 

And I would have done this at 3 months.

 

I recommend you do the same

 

He stringing you along because he does not want a relationship with you and he know you not going to do anything about it smh

[Flame Aura]

He's wasting your time. If he was truly into you he would want to make sure you are official so that you are committed to each other and everyone knows that.

[rightondude]

sounds like he's hoping something better comes along and in the meantime he's cool with y'all's "friendship." Now you have to decide whether you're cool with that. Hey at least he hasn't said the words and then didn't mean them.

[crispytoast]

If you really like him, I would second the idea about visiting your family without him and turning off your phone. If he makes a big deal about it, tell him you don't feel right about bringing him if he's just your "friend" or "neighbor".Take time to yourself to think about things. Give him the chance to see that he's gonna f**king lose you if he doesn't shape up quick. Make the decision when you get back.

 

All of this "date other men and when he asks why, say 'sorry'" sh*t is petty as f**k. There's an old proverb that goes something like "you can't kill your enemy by poisoning yourself." If you're gonna leave the guy, have integrity and just leave him. You'll feel better in the end and will become a better person as a result.

[2much4]

If you really like him, I would second the idea about visiting your family without him and turning off your phone. If he makes a big deal about it, tell him you don't feel right about bringing him if he's just your "friend" or "neighbor".Take time to yourself to think about things. Give him the chance to see that he's gonna f**king lose you if he doesn't shape up quick. Make the decision when you get back.

 

All of this "date other men and when he asks why, say 'sorry'" sh*t is petty as f**k. There's an old proverb that goes something like "you can't kill your enemy by poisoning yourself." If you're gonna leave the guy, have integrity and just leave him. You'll feel better in the end and will become a better person as a result.

 

I completely second that. If you tell him you're going to date other men, you risk him being perfectly fine with that and then stuck in an even worse situation than before, because you don't have the courage to leave.

[frus69]

Tell him " I care about you and your feelings. you have every right to take your time to decide. That's why I'm going to stop seeing you. Take a break. Take a good look at what we want for ourselves"

Then you walk. Live your life. Dont blame or accuse him. Take the high way. Just Forget about him and enjoy your life with your girl friends.

If he truly likes you, he will man up and stop making BS excuses and come to you. If not, well, keep walking. You gotta have the balls to actually walk though.

[Curiousroxy86]

 

All of this "date other men and when he asks why, say 'sorry'" sh*t is petty as f**k. There's an old proverb that goes something like "you can't kill your enemy by poisoning yourself." If you're gonna leave the guy, have integrity and just leave him. You'll feel better in the end and will become a better person as a result.

 

1) heeeey I was kidding on the "sorry" everything else im so not kidding

 

2) he made it very clear that he is not her boyfriend. so there is no relationship to "leave". she can do whatever she wants and this whatever the hell it is not working for her.

 

3) she is choosing to date other men because he made it clear that he dont see her as a girlfriend. so when you ignore someone and date other men that is the epitome of "just leave". how much more "leave" then that you feel needs to be done. ooooh I see you think she should say "Joe I am leaving you" when he made it clear that they are not together. miss me with that lol

 

4) he is not her enemy. he is just not an option anymore. big difference. and please tell me how she would be poisoning herself? her ignoring him and dating other men serves her best interest. she poisons herself staying with him trying to be his girlfriend when he doesnt want that and being strung along for six months.

[Curiousroxy86]

I completely second that. If you tell him you're going to date other men, you risk him being perfectly fine with that and then stuck in an even worse situation than before, because you don't have the courage to leave.

 

I agree she shouldn’t tell him but not based on what you fear or care about. she should just go and date other men. no need to tell him. he is not her boyfriend since again he made that clear already

 

Op should choose not to consider what this guy thinks at this point

Edited June 1, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[Gaeta]

I don't need him to ask me to be his girlfriend, but he straight up informs me that I'm not.

 

Example: He introduces me as "His friend" or "His neighbor" and we had an argument about it due to the upcoming trip and me not knowing how to introduce him to my family if not as my boyfriend and all he said is "Well I'm not going to introduce you as my girlfriend if you're not"

 

This guy is lying when he says he loves you, it's simply a way to keep you around. I don't know any man in love that won't scream to the world 'this lady is mine and my girlfriend' it's territorial to them. When this man introduces you as his friend or neighbor he's advertising you to others as 'single'.

 

Please leave this man behind and don't bring him to your family, he doesn't deserve it and don't do this to your family. I am a mother and I would not want under my roof and man that calls my daughter 'friend' after 9 months.

 

If you want to continue dating him then tell him he is not welcome to stay over anymore. You're not in the habit of having neighbors and friends sleep next to you. Personnaly I would dump him now.

 

And finally I was in your shoes a few year ago. I was completely infatuated with this man and he fed me all types of excuses why we were not official, I heard it all 'why rush', 'aren't we happy like this', 'it will come in time'......I waited for him a full year to end it. It wasn't easy but I knew I deserved better. A couple of years later he got in touch with me and he admitted to me the time we were together he was in love with someone else, that he loved me back then but not 'in love with me'.

 

Leave this guy behind.

[elaine567]

In his mind, you are not a couple, you are not his gf and in effect he is single and can do as he pleases.

He has told you exactly where you stand, stop making up love stories in your head, he is not YOUR Prince Charming...

You could in fact waste a long time here.

One day I guess he will find his Cinderella and he will dump you almost immediately when that happens..

[Gaeta]

I know he had a bad breakup before me:(

And that bad break up happened how long before you? It sounds like this guy is filling a void with you. It's something men tend to do after a break up. They have a harder time being alone.