sam123456 Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 Since I was 13 I have suffered from a problem where social speech and behavior do not come naturally to me. I have always had few friends and have never had a romantic relationship or been on a date. However, recently I brought this to the attention of my psych nurse, who referred me to a counselor. This counselor is helping me get the social skills that I lack. I followed his advice, asked a woman on a date, and she said yes, but in a few weeks. She said she is busy until then. What do you think about all this?
kendahke Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 Since I was 13 I have suffered from a problem where social speech and behavior do not come naturally to me. I have always had few friends and have never had a romantic relationship or been on a date. However, recently I brought this to the attention of my psych nurse, who referred me to a counselor. This counselor is helping me get the social skills that I lack. I followed his advice, asked a woman on a date, and she said yes, but in a few weeks. She said she is busy until then. What do you think about all this? I think you should ask someone else out if you don't want to wait til she's free.
LuckyM Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 It does not look promising. But cannot know without more details...what you said, how she reacted (her expression) where you met... When girls said that to me, that meant never. They were being nice. Well, try in a few weeks and see. If she puts you off again, then don't call her. And forget it. 1
PRW Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 It is very common to have someone say "yes" to a date and then back out after a few days if you don't have the "skills". Some will say yes to a date in the moment because it is easier,...knowing,...they can cancel later when the interaction is not face-to-face. It is a common thing if the guy thinks he asked for a date when he really didn't. Asking a woman "How about we get together for dinner next week sometime?" is not setting a date, all that is doing is asking her what she "thinks" about the "idea" of "maybe" having a date. So when she says yes she is only saying the the idea of someday having a date is generally a nice sounding idea. If you didn't set a specific day/place/time,...then you didn't set a date.
Author sam123456 Posted May 30, 2019 Author Posted May 30, 2019 Here is the actual conversation. I asked her on Facebook Messenger. She is a coworker. Me: Hi [Name], would you like to meet up for coffee after work one of these days? Her: I always wondered what your actual name was haha and yes , one of these days. I’m pretty busy the next few weeks though . I will let you know Me: Super awesome! Keep me informed! Are you working tomorrow? Her: I will and yep im tuesday- saturday Me: Cool. See you tomorrow Her: Oh ya haha have a good night Me: You too
PRW Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 (edited) Here is the actual conversation. I asked her on Facebook Messenger. She is a coworker. Me: Hi [Name], would you like to meet up for coffee after work one of these days? Her: I always wondered what your actual name was haha and yes , one of these days. I’m pretty busy the next few weeks though . I will let you know �� No way you were getting that date. 1. You didn't actually make a date, as I previously described. 2. Her response was a typical friendly "rejection". Trying to do it through FB messenger lessened your chance greatly as well. However keep in mind the one you referred to as your psych nurse asked to to do that as an "exercise" and you did put in the effort to do that,...so that is progress in and of itself. "Coffee Dates" are the fast track to the Friend Zone. Avoid them. You should also set it for about a week in the future. Although I have done 2-3 weeks in the future, I don't recommend it to guys who lack the dating and social skills. This is more true in their case because the woman may say yes but is still not super excited about it because the guy lacks the skill to have her be excited about it. Because she lacks excitement she changes her mind before the date happens. Keeping the date about a week out is enough time to allow anticipation for the date to build up without being so long that the excitement for it dies out. Edited May 30, 2019 by PRW 1
preraph Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 Yeah, don't ask someone at work out. She probably isn't going to go. But it's just an unneeded complication to ask someone out at work. Then you'll feel weird all the time at work. Good for you for asking someone out, but now go ask out someone you do not work with. If you don't know anyone, pick a new hobby that has women doing it and get busy being active and meeting people in it. You could try volunteer work as well.
Flame Aura Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 Here is the actual conversation. I asked her on Facebook Messenger. She is a coworker. Me: Hi [Name], would you like to meet up for coffee after work one of these days? Her: I always wondered what your actual name was haha and yes , one of these days. I’m pretty busy the next few weeks though . I will let you know Me: Super awesome! Keep me informed! Are you working tomorrow? Her: I will and yep im tuesday- saturday Me: Cool. See you tomorrow Her: Oh ya haha have a good night Me: You too Honestly? She won't be going on any date with you, she basically said no but in a kind way, probably because she knows things would be awkward at work if she just said no straight away. Don't become disheartened, you did well by asking in the first place. Everyone will face rejection at some point, the important thing is to not let it affect you, and keep trying until you meet the right person.
lurker74 Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 Don't ever say "one of these days." When you get to the point of asking for the date, you say, Thursday, 7:30 work for you? And getting to that point can take practice. The overall goal is to make her feel comfortable but not too comfortable. That is safe, but excited. That is hard to do through any electronic medium not designed for it (OLD has it set so they are already primed for it). So work your gal verbally, being friendly but not pestering, and then after building a rapport (in your case, if at work, after a few interactions) and then say, "So Jill, would you like to grab a drink or a coffee outside of work sometime?" You can set up the date by text or FB but only the day and time and location. Obviously there's a ton of variations but the key is RAPPORT => ASK => SET UP And coffee dates are not ideal but they can be just fine in some cases, especially since some women don't drink. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 It does not look promising. But cannot know without more details...what you said, how she reacted (her expression) where you met... When girls said that to me, that meant never. They were being nice. Well, try in a few weeks and see. If she puts you off again, then don't call her. And forget it. This is a good piece of advice. When I was dating any guy who put me off for a couple, never was truly interested. Honestly find someone else to date, don't contact her unless she contacts you. A few weeks can mean anything. In the future know that a busy person is just not interested.
The Outlaw Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 Weeks? If someone is really interested in you, it isn’t going to take weeks. Cancel it and try asking someone else.
Foxhall Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 "Coffee Dates" are the fast track to the Friend Zone. Avoid them. You should also set it for about a week in the future. Although I have done 2-3 weeks in the future, I don't recommend it to guys who lack the dating and social skills. This is more true in their case because the woman may say yes but is still not super excited about it because the guy lacks the skill to have her be excited about it. Because she lacks excitement she changes her mind before the date happens. Keeping the date about a week out is enough time to allow anticipation for the date to build up without being so long that the excitement for it dies out. Good post there- good advice, I have been on a few too many coffee dates myself actually, OP-date or no date I think your facebook chat was good. well done. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 Good for you for taking the risk & making the effort. That first step is something to be proud of. Alas when you do anything for the 1st time you make mistakes & don't do it perfectly. 1. She doesn't know it's a date. She thinks a work colleague casually asked her to meet for a friendly cup of coffee. She is fine with being friendlier out of work but she has no idea that you asked her on a date. 2. Second as others pointed out the use of the phrase "one of these days" or any other vague non committal phrase shoots yourself in the foot from the start. A request for a date needs to be specific. Would you like to get a drink with me on [day of the week] at [exact location -- you name it]? Finally dating a work colleague causes all sorts of problems & is generally considered a bad idea. So take your small victory: you asked ! and she didn't outright reject you but move on. Pick a different woman who you don't work with & be more specific. In a week or two you can follow up with this lady & do treat her to that coffee but see it as a nondate, acquaintances getting together.
crispytoast Posted May 31, 2019 Posted May 31, 2019 Emphasis on picking a woman you don't work with. You don't want to become the guy in the office that all of the women look at sideways because they always think you're trying to flirt with them. 1
Author sam123456 Posted June 1, 2019 Author Posted June 1, 2019 Coffee Dates are the fast track to the Friend Zone. Avoid them. I was thinking I would ask her to coffee, and if that went well I would ask her to a movie, etc. Are you saying I should ask her to dinner and a movie on the first date?
alphamale Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 I was thinking I would ask her to coffee, and if that went well I would ask her to a movie, etc. Are you saying I should ask her to dinner and a movie on the first date? no, just dinner sam, no movie 2
Inspire Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 A few weeks? I'd think if she was interested she would have elaborated more. If she writes you back on her own accord I "might" be inclined to believe otherwise. Were you two friends on FB, did you two talk at the office (a little, a lot), had you ever sensed any flirtation or was this just a random ask.
crispytoast Posted June 1, 2019 Posted June 1, 2019 (edited) The only way coffee can be worked in a good way is if you have a plan for afterward. Not a previously agreed upon plan necessarily, but if things are going well you better have something creative in mind afterward. Literally anything that gives you more time to give an accurate representation of who you are. I'd say the exception is online dating. I've brought multiple women that I've met on Tinder back to my house after coffee. The reason why it works with OLD is that a woman you meet online might not be into you enough to really want to commit to a full on date so trying to bring up dinner or basically anything that locks her into an extended period of time or will cost her money will get shot down. Coffee is inexpensive and can be drank in 10 minutes or taken to go, and likely will be utilized and enjoyed by her regardless of whether or not she vibes with you. It's basically giving you a few minutes to wow her with your energy and if you blow it, she has an easy out. If you don't blow it, then refer to the first paragraph. Edited June 1, 2019 by crispytoast
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