BigB Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 How did you eventually decide which one to date? Did one guy do something to "win you over"? I'm in this situation now, (damn my life has been dramatic last few weeks ) Girl has feelings for me, and another guy. She's very confused and conflicted about what she wants. I'm trying to decide what I should do in the meantime. I'm conflicted... part of me thinks I should stand up and fight (try to win her over somehow, go after what I want with no concern for him) and part of me thinks I should back off a little and let her figure things out on her own, but that scares me, because the other guy may take advantage of that and "pick up the slack". Another part of me thinks I shouldn't do anything different. Just keep being myself, talk to her when she wants to talk, see her when she wants to see me, and just leave it to fate and hope that everything works out.
HotCaliGirl Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 I think you should stand up and fight to win her over...maybe not so agressively that I'd call it fight, but be pro-active to win some points with her. After all, you are competing wth another guy, and if he does more to get her attention, she might naturally go towards him and end up developing more feelings. It would be to the other guy's advamtage if you were passive or worse tried to avoid her, but then again I"m no expert!!
Author BigB Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 I think you should stand up and fight to win her over...maybe not so agressively that I'd call it fight, but be pro-active to win some points with her. After all, you are competing wth another guy, and if he does more to get her attention, she might naturally go towards him and end up developing more feelings. It would be to the other guy's advamtage if you were passive or worse tried to avoid her, but then again I"m no expert!! That was my first instinct, but I think to damn much.. lol... I think I was too passive with her in the past, she gave me the "go slow" talk, and I went too slow. That was when this other guy came into the picture. She told me about him last week... Then, she learned that he's very busy, and doesn't have a lot of time for her. So she got bored, and invited me over to "hang out as friends", I figured that would be fine, I didn't have any expectations when I went to her house. However, after a while, she started talking about me and her, saying she had feelings for me, asked about my feelings for her, etc. Then she's started making out with me. I (stupidly) stopped it, and said "what about "other guy"?", she's back to confused. He's an acquaintance of mine, and I guess part of me didn't want to screw him over and be the "bad guy". I've got a lot of free time, I'm hoping that will give me some advantage. I just don't want to become that desperate guy who's pursuing a girl who's interested in another.
RecordProducer Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 How did you eventually decide which one to date? Did one guy do something to "win you over"? When I was 21 I loved my BF of 6 years and decided to marry him after he proposed to me. (I was an idiot!) I knew he wasn't for me at all but I lied to myself that he was the one. At the time we were in different contries and had been separated for 9 months so I guess the distance made me long for him while when I was with him every day I knew he wasn't for me. So I hung out with this friend to whom I was physically and intellectually attracted. I had fun, laughters, and could talk to him like I never could with the ex-BF. He was everything the BF wasn't. But this friend of mine also had a GF back in our country and we wanted to stay faithful to them. So I basically couldn't have dated him even if I wanted to. Often when a woman is attracted to two guys at once it means "I am waiting for him to choose me and you're merely my transitional guy." It's not good that she likes you both - it means she doesn't like you enough in any case right now. If you are around her she will have the opportunity to see your qualities and actually get used to you. But after a while, you may decide to back off and wait for her to look for you. If you can kiss her and hold her, you're half way there. But if she is not physically close to you then your chances are not so good. Who is the other guy? An ex-BF, a friend or someone who chases after her also?
HotCaliGirl Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 Then she's started making out with me. I (stupidly) stopped it, and said "what about "other guy"?", she's back to confused. He's an acquaintance of mine, and I guess part of me didn't want to screw him over and be the "bad guy". geez, that was a big missed opportunity! Unless she really has feelings for you, she would not want to kiss you! And by backing off, you are telling her you don't like her enough to fight for her, that you are literallly handing her over to another guy, telling her "what about him? I'm not worthy of you." You are right that you have become way too passive. That is turning her off. Most girls want to feel wanted by a guy, especially if they like them, and you have all the advantages as far as free time, her invitation to see her etc and you are blowing it all away, handing all your opportunities to the other guy! I just don't want to become that desperate guy who's pursuing a girl who's interested in another. If she wasn't interested in you, and had already decided on the other guy, she wouldn't be spending time with you. She's giving you an opportunity to win her over, and you are not taking it...showing interest is not the same as being desperate. It takes some work to make a relationship work, you can't put it on cruise control and hope that things will automatically fall into place becuase it most likely won't that way.
Author BigB Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 Who is the other guy? An ex-BF, a friend or someone who chases after her also? a mutual aquantance/friend who also stared chasing after her a few weeks after I did.
Author BigB Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 geez, that was a big missed opportunity! Unless she really has feelings for you, she would not want to kiss you! And by backing off, you are telling her you don't like her enough to fight for her, that you are literallly handing her over to another guy, telling her "what about him? I'm not worthy of you." You are right that you have become way too passive. That is turning her off. Most girls want to feel wanted by a guy, especially if they like them, and you have all the advantages as far as free time, her invitation to see her etc and you are blowing it all away, handing all your opportunities to the other guy! If she wasn't interested in you, and had already decided on the other guy, she wouldn't be spending time with you. She's giving you an opportunity to win her over, and you are not taking it...showing interest is not the same as being desperate. It takes some work to make a relationship work, you can't put it on cruise control and hope that things will automatically fall into place because it most likely won't that way. You're right, I screwed that one up. I'm cursed with some weird moral thing, My heart wanted to keep going, my brain said "stop, don't be the bad guy".... She did say at one time that she'd decided on the other guy, but that all changed yesterday when I spent more time with her. why must women be so darn confusing? damn it, now I see it.. I should've gone farther with her, unless she stopped it. Then it would've gotten him angry/jealous and he'd have "dumped" her. crap.... hmmm... should I tell her that? (the part about not wanting to stop) She's supposed to call me tonight.
elijahBailey Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 what's up BigB. I didn't think you did anything wrong dude. In fact, at this moment you can tell yourself that you didn't screw up with your friend. And now that there's no more misunderstanding between you and the girl, you gotta remind yourself not to come on too hard onto her. Be coy, be aloof, but don't bulldoze your way into her space. If you do that, she'll go right back to da other guy. It's a 50/50 thingy, this one, but I'm sayin' that you want better odds, this is what you should do. And do yourself a favor.... do NOT act clingy or give her the impression that you can't do without her.
elijahBailey Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 oh, and in response to the original question, I subscribe to the belief that one can have feelings for more than one person at the same time; it applies to both men and women. Sure, the feelings could be stronger for one, but still....
HotCaliGirl Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 hmmm... should I tell her that? (the part about not wanting to stop) She's supposed to call me tonight. Well, now it sounds like youo're in a better position and can actually end up scoring even more points! You can definitely tell her that you didn't want to stop, that you wanted to respect your acquaintance and not do anything she might regret since she had told you she had chosen the other guy. It'll show how moral you are and that if she wants to get anywhere with you, not to give you mixed messages - it's either him or you, she can't flip-flop!
fundamental Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 what's up BigB. I didn't think you did anything wrong dude. In fact, at this moment you can tell yourself that you didn't screw up with your friend. And now that there's no more misunderstanding between you and the girl, you gotta remind yourself not to come on too hard onto her. Be coy, be aloof, but don't bulldoze your way into her space. If you do that, she'll go right back to da other guy. It's a 50/50 thingy, this one, but I'm sayin' that you want better odds, this is what you should do. And do yourself a favor.... do NOT act clingy or give her the impression that you can't do without her. This is good advice...especially when dealing with a person that has feelings for two guys. I feel that most of the time whatever you do will have no influence on her decision. She may date you and wonder about him. She may date him and wonder about you. This is what you will have to deal with when someone is confused. Also, don't be tempted to overanalyze... you might start to overplay(being too aggressive) or underplay(being too aloof) your tactics....don't. Just be yourself...because SHE will ultimately make the decision in the end.
alphamale Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 and part of me thinks I should back off a little and let her figure things out on her own, the above is your course of action BigB...women make the final decision as to which man to be with....the man who comes off confident and not desperate will win her... dont' listen to what the women here say about trying to woo her and all that krap and one last word of advice BigB....if a woman really and genuinely likes you then she won't be talking about other guys around you...for example, let's reverse....if you were out on a date with a woman you really liked then would you bring up another girl you liked in front of her?? probably not.
lindya Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 I'm conflicted... part of me thinks I should stand up and fight (try to win her over somehow, go after what I want with no concern for him) and part of me thinks I should back off a little and let her figure things out on her own, but that scares me, because the other guy may take advantage of that and "pick up the slack". I don't think you need to fight, but I don't think you should back off either. If you back off and act as if you're not interested then she'll just pick the guy who is. I doubt many women out there want to be with a guy who'll step aside to make room for any other bloke who decides he's interested in her. If she thinks you'll be terribly hurt should she choose the other guy, then she might just decide to back away from both of you. You've a better chance of retaining her respect if you give off a clear message that you want her, but you're resilient enough to cope perfectly easily if she decides she doesn't feel the same way. Even if you don't feel that way inside. The other guy in this isn't your enemy, but he isn't your ally either. Right now, the two of you are in competition, so play to win...but accept defeat graciously if that's how things transpire.
downcydeguy Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 Yes, women and men can like 2 (or more) people at the same time. However, I agree with the above comment about not mentioning it to you while you're together. Women do play mind games and will test you often. Her mentioning him might have been her way of trying to find out how YOU feel about her. If you tell her that you'd rather not hear about other guys in her life because you are really fond of her, she'll take note that you're interested and try the same stunt with the other guy. Either way, it definitely sounds like she's not really ready to be in a serious relationship with just one person. If you truly like her, proceed with caution. If your feelings start becoming more serious, you must be open and honest with her about it and find out what her intentions are. She'll either gladly accept you as her one and only or she may tell you to hit the road. Either way there will be no questions after that. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 Act confident, but don't be in her face about. If you like her and think she has potiential than stick with not giving up. Don't self pity at all around her, if you do that it will put her off. That is when you come and vent here if you're feeling negative. Another thing, don't let this go on for months. She should figure this out soon as it's not fair to you or the other guy to keep you both hanging. I assume the OG knows about you in the running?? Alpha, NOT all of the females here give s***ty advice. I agree, if you go out of your way and woo her too much she'll head for hills...There has to be a time and a place, so pick your moments to shine with her. Just not all the time. Hope this makes sense. Good luck BB, stay strong and try not to let it consume you. Go out with your friends and have fun, stay busy...You're a thinker so you need to keep that mind busy.
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 Thought of this too, she could have feelings for you both, but she's probably going to pick who she is more sexually attracted to. So, make sure you smell good around her. Shower fresh and dab on that cologne. Just enough that she catches a whiff. It's a turn on to stand close to a man who smells good.
Author BigB Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 Thought of this too, she could have feelings for you both, but she's probably going to pick who she is more sexually attracted to. So, make sure you smell good around her. Shower fresh and dab on that cologne. Just enough that she catches a whiff. It's a turn on to stand close to a man who smells good. *huge grin* She did say that she's VERY sexually attracted to me. When I stopped the kissing, she kissed me again. Before the kiss, she was being very cuddly, smiling, and giving me that "please kiss me face" for a good hour. I didn't want to kiss her because we'd agreed to just hang out as friends, however at one point she kissed me on the cheek, and I said "I really want to kiss you right now" that was when she kissed me. It wasn’t just a quick kiss, it was one of those long ones. (she said I’m an amazing kisser ) She's also said a few times on the phone last few days that I'm "hot", and that her clothes and apartment smelled like me after I left(Armani Mania, the stuff is like gold:D ), and that she didn't want the smell to fade. She said I make her feel "safe" and "comfortable". All good signs IMO. She also called me last night from a concert and said she wished I could be there with her. However, she still feels like she started something with the OG,(I guess they had some sort of talk) and that she's hurt him somehow (he got really upset with her last night) and she got really upset as well. She feels bad for him because her feelings for me came back. I think she's conflicted between her strong attraction to me, and her "commitment" to him. He seems to be getting mad about the kissing, he started bashing women last night on a message board we hang out on. This got her pretty mad. If he gets angry and burns his bridges, all I need to do it sit back, be the nice, patient, caring guy that I am, and hope her feelings for me survive that drama. I don't know where the 2 of them stand right now, I just called her today and left a message. I said I was worried about her(because she was upset when we last talked), and to please give me a call when she's ready to talk.
Author BigB Posted September 25, 2005 Author Posted September 25, 2005 well, I guess it's over. She just told me that she loves him, not me. sucks balls. but at least I tried my best, met an amazing girl, didn't become desperate, and everything ended well. She said it's nothing more than bad timing. Still hurts though... She still wants to be friends, and said I'll be first on the list if he doesn't work out.
Jayhawks Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 BigB, It's always been MY experience when a women tells you of another guy your chances are history. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do with her. She had already decided to be with him. Pursing her or playing coy would not have made any difference. You can't analyze women and arrive with a conclusion. They are and will always be emotional beings and this throws out all logic. Keep up your confidence and don't get discouraged. There will be a women for you. Just hang in there and she will be everything you want and more.
alphamale Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 She still wants to be friends, and said I'll be first on the list if he doesn't work out. wrong thing to say BigB...don't be friends and don't tell her you'll "wait in the wings for her"
Art_Critic Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 She just told me that she loves him, not me. Sorry BigB .. But she was being honest She still wants to be friends, and said I'll be first on the list if he doesn't work out. Don't say okay to this.. say see ya .. and I don't do the friends thing.. You never want to be someones SECOND CHOICE
RecordProducer Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 I should've gone farther with her, unless she stopped it. Then it would've gotten him angry/jealous and he'd have "dumped" her. I wouldn't bet my money on that one! I am sorry she chose him. Anyway, you don't need a procrastinator. When Miss Right shows up, she will be all over ya.
AllisonC Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Stop wasting your time with someone who is indecisive. She will jerk you around when you could be meeting people who only want you!
Author BigB Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 wrong thing to say BigB...don't be friends and don't tell her you'll "wait in the wings for her" I said: "If it doesn't work out, and at some point in the future the timing is right, I'd like to try again, if you want that give me a call, but I'm not going to sit around and wait either, I have to move on" I'll probably still talk to her from time to time, we have been friends for a while, but I'm not going to make her a priority. She swears up and down that I'm not "second best", yet, I am... so, onward I go... I'm a little hurt, feels like I missed out on a great girl. But in the end, I learned from this... got some of my confidence back, I don't feel like I screwed up (in the past I have felt that way), and I know that at least one girl on the planet finds me irresistible and hot and hey, at least I got to make out with her a little:D , she's the first girl I've kissed in 7 years.
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