crispytoast Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 I just went through a situation that hurt quite a bit. I met a woman toward the end of the quarter who I connected with really well in person. She was nothing but beaming smiles with me whenever we would see each other and it thawed my heart. I haven't felt anything for anyone in a romantic context in a long time and purposely have not taken dating seriously so I could focus on building my career & achieving a better lifestyle. But holy f*ck she was cool. There was a lot of chemistry in person and we started texting. At first, things are fine, she says how she is excited to hang out, lots of hearts and smiles etc etc. She revealed a lot about her life and achievements which were really impressive but I didn't really inquire much about them or offer much information about myself because I really despise getting to know someone over text.. if I wanted that I would use a dating app. I tried to say enough to convey interest because I was definitely interested but then tried to set up a date so I can get to know her and she says she's busy.. graduation and her family is in town. Makes sense, I wait a few days, ask her how her summers going, same thing a lot of hearts and smiles. Sends me a pretty saucy picture of herself in her swimsuit too. So I ask her to hang out again. This time she completely ghosts me. Here I'm thinking what the actual f*ck? I'm not even mad at her. I'm just really hurt. Where did I mess up? Why are people like this? And how can you give someone so many green lights and then bail without even the slightest explanation? I get it over tinder or whatever but like this? I feel like there's something wrong with me. I miss the days where everything wasn't over text message. Honestly this kind of f*cked me up. I was content not caring about dating and she just made me realize how much Ive been isolating myself from the world and that I legitimately desire connection. I'm a grown man and I feel like I want to cry and it's f*cked up. What gives? 1
frus69 Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 Were you dating her at all?? Or everything was just in your head? 1
Redhead14 Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 (edited) How long has it been since you asked her to "hang out"? And, did you call her to ask or text her? Just because texting seems to be the "drug of choice" these days, doesn't mean a guy can't pick up the phone once in awhile . . . I'm older but when I was dating, men did not text me to ask me out. When they ask me out, they called me and I appreciated that. I only had one guy text me for a date. I called him and told him I wasn't available. Edited May 30, 2019 by Redhead14 1
frus69 Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 How does texting have anything to do with this? Sounds like OP just met a woman who isnt interested in dating him. She isnt his gf, she isnt his friend, just an acquaintance who he just met not long ago. She doesnt own him any explanation why she doesnt want to date him to be honest. I'm not sure why OP is so heart broken over this. 2
Redhead14 Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 I agree with you. This happens often. People fall in love with the vision that they have in their heads about someone before the even get to really know them. You need a thick skin in today's dating environment. It's become onerous at best and just so not necessary. I said it in another thread. In the old days before there were cell phones and computers, all we had were landlines and phone calls after school or work, etc. and people were dating and getting married We didn't need the constant "stroking" and reassurance and validation of texting. Paleeze. 2
rightondude Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 you must have said something terrible. Best to go through every single text message until you find it. Seriously, she and you I am assuming are young. Stuff catches your eye and you run off in another direction. Don't sweat it. But maybe if she was revealing deep stuff over text and you didn't reciprocate she thought you weren't as into it. 1
Author crispytoast Posted May 30, 2019 Author Posted May 30, 2019 @frus No we weren't dating and no everything "wasn't in my head". We'd hung out on campus, had physical contact that was definitely beyond friendly, and agreed to hang out more over the summer. I've talked to several of my friends about it both male and female and explained the situation in depth and showed them the messages and pictures and they are as confused as I am. And what this has to do with texting is everything was going fine until then. @Redhead maybe I should've just called. *shrug* and I wouldn't say I fell in love with a vision so much as it's been years since I've met someone Id want to spend more than a night with. Have been purposely emotionally unavailable for a long time and she sort of shook me out of that like whoa this woman is actually really cool. I dropped everyone else I was flirting with, yeah that's my bad and I don't feel too smart about it. @rightondude we're both almost 30 so not that young. Thanks for the kind words though.
alphamale Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 dude she was messing with your head to get attention, women do it all the time 3
frus69 Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 dude she was messing with your head to get attention, women do it all the time Shall we not make it a gender thing as if guys didnt F around and ghost 8
frus69 Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 @frus No we weren't dating and no everything "wasn't in my head". We'd hung out on campus, had physical contact that was definitely beyond friendly, and agreed to hang out more over the summer. I've talked to several of my friends about it both male and female and explained the situation in depth and showed them the messages and pictures and they are as confused as I am. And what this has to do with texting is everything was going fine until then. Again she wasnt your gf, wasnt your friend, was just an acquaintance who flirted with you and gave you the wrong idea. Sure it'd be nice if she didnt flirt with you at all or didnt ghost you. But in the end of the day you cant expect a (almost) stranger to be responsible for your feelings. Keep your emotions in check when things arent anything yet. 1
alphamale Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 Shall we not make it a gender thing as if guys didnt F around and ghost I stand by my post 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 When dating a lot of people say one thing and do something completely different. Do not fall for the quick charm because this will cause you a lot of hurt. Be realistic and a bit pessimistic when dating, do not get attached too quickly. I fell for a guy like that who ended up leaving in a really mean way. Screw her, delete her number and don't contact her again! 2
frus69 Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 Have been purposely emotionally unavailable for a long time I dropped everyone else I was flirting with, . Looking back what you said, sounds like you've done plenty of these sort of things too,to those other women who you've dropped. She probably dropped you for the same reason. She went for another guy 2
Author crispytoast Posted May 30, 2019 Author Posted May 30, 2019 @frus & alphamale. Yes let's please not make this a gender thing. I didn't post this to make it a woman-hating thread. @frus yeah for sure I know I need to keep my emotions in check. Have had a really messed up week at work and it was the icing on the cake. Which I know isn't her fault. I recognize my role in the story too. Shouldn't have gotten so invested like that. But I still feel pretty bad about it.
frus69 Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 @frus yeah for sure I know I need to keep my emotions in check. Have had a really messed up week at work and it was the icing on the cake. Which I know isn't her fault. I recognize my role in the story too. Shouldn't have gotten so invested like that. But I still feel pretty bad about it. I dont know what's your dating style but maybe, if you dont want to encounter these people again, stop acting like one of them. For example, do not flirt or sexting or texting excessively with girls unless they have accepted to go on dates with you and/or kissed you. 3
Cinnamon_Girl Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 I don't know what the deal is. Similar things have happened to me- meet someone, things go great, chemistry, connection, they seem really interested, and POOF, they're gone. Who the heck knows? People are just flaky nowadays. 2
Author crispytoast Posted May 30, 2019 Author Posted May 30, 2019 @frus yeah true. I guess Ive been trying to conform to it because it seems like everyone around my age is like that these days. It makes dating tough. Which brings me to my next point. @cinnamon_girl yep. And that's I think my biggest source of frustration. The rampant flakiness.. I feel like it's caused by the social media mindset. Dunno if texting is even necessarily the problem, sometimes I feel like the social media culture has messed up dating. Seems like everyone is addicted to it and is more in search of attention than actual connection. I might catch some flak for this but dating apps too, like everyone treats romantic interactions like a damn tinder date or something. And to top it off I don't really use social media so I feel very disconnected from my generation. Feels bad
chillii Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 (edited) l dunno , 3/4 of the stuff l come across in forums is like some madland to me. Never really dated and l'm not in the states seems to be a whole nother ball game there. Not even now after a 20yr marriage, or before ,l just meet people really, same way back when, same now. But l've never known anyone do garbage like that with me, not now not back when. lf she was showing it she meant it. Unless of course, l managed to kill something dead in it's tracks like once or twice even if unintentionally . Think you either read her all wrong in the first place and she realized you took her all wrong shyt it and backed away, or you said or did something. Edited May 30, 2019 by chillii 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 I tried to say enough to convey interest because I was definitely interested but then tried to set up a date so I can get to know her and she says she's busy.. graduation and her family is in town. Makes sense, I wait a few days, ask her how her summers going, same thing a lot of hearts and smiles. Sends me a pretty saucy picture of herself in her swimsuit too. So I ask her to hang out again. This time she completely ghosts me. Here I'm thinking what the actual f*ck? Actually, being "too busy" to meet is almost always, not always, but almost always, a sign of unavailability ... or disinterest. When she said she was busy, did she give you specific days/dates when she was NOT busy? When people are really interested (not just interested in showing sexy pix of themselves) they will climb mountains, cancel other activities and make themselves available, and when they cannot literally be available, they will give you exact times when they are available--to make it clear they want to see you. And because they REALLY want to see you. The saucy pix sound like she's just into flirting ... and the pix could just be a wait of keeping you at a distance while seeming to be interested. People who are really interested will give you exact dates when they are available (not "a little later" ... not "after all this (whatever "this" is) is done. Interested people usually don't send a saucy pic. Why? They are looking forward to seeing you and don't need to do that. The saucy pix seem to say a lot ... but not really. You want "Let's get together the week of X. How about Y day of that week? I'm available then. I'm looking forward to seeing you." 1
Author crispytoast Posted May 30, 2019 Author Posted May 30, 2019 (edited) @chilli I didn't say anything obscene. After we'd gone back and forth a bit about her life she was asking about mine, I gave her some very loose details and then a "how about we have this conversation over tea or maybe some Thai food". I could've kept the conversation going and if I kept her talking and if I went into depth about my life, we would probably be watching a movie naked on my couch right now. It always has worked in the past but I'm not in it (just) for the sex anymore. And I guess I'm sick of women wanting me for what I can offer them. I want them to like me for me, I'd rather the rest of it be a pleasant surprise. Like for example I'm an artist and according to my community I'm pretty damn good at what I do. Every time I tell a woman I'm an artist (which I did) she sort of rolls her eyes like this guy is prob bordering on being a bum but if I show her my art (which I purposely didn't) then all of a sudden she's trying to go back to my place and get friendly. I live alone, I have a really nice studio, I'm a hard-working professional, am pretty damn good at what I do, plus when I have someone in my life I make sure they're taken care of, but if a lady won't even have tea with me before knowing all of that, does she really have business being in my life? Thats a serious question, I really want to know. And honestly it's been making me depressed, I feel like a sh*tty person because I feel like women don't actually like me for me. @Lotsgoingon That all occurred to me when she blew me off the first time and I sort of lost interest. I messaged her again almost a week later as a sort of shot in the dark and then she was really flirty again, and then the saucy pix. I guess they threw me off. You live and you learn. Edited May 30, 2019 by crispytoast
The Outlaw Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 You didn’t do anything wrong, but trust me, while you may have felt chemistry with her, there probably wasn’t anything really there. People will flake on you for little or no reason. People that do that anyway, really aren’t worth any of your time. Easier said than done, but at least she did it now and it didn’t progress further. Had it happened then, it would have been worse. I’ve been there. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 We'd hung out on campus, had physical contact that was definitely beyond friendly, and agreed to hang out more over the summer. we're both almost 30 so not that young. .[/quote Age aside, maybe it's the campus / school year part that is factoring into her disappearing act. Without the structure of campus she may have a different schedule. Some people are just flaky. Maybe you can channel whatever pain you are experiencing into your art? 1
Gretchen12 Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 I guess I'm sick of women wanting me for what I can offer them. I want them to like me for me, I'd rather the rest of it be a pleasant surprise. What's the difference? Who you are is what you can offer them. For example, intelligence, sense of humor, compassion, these are examples of what you can offer that are also who you are, and this is what attraction is. You wanting "the rest of it" to be a surprise is like a man not having a photo and not writing any info about himself on his online dating profile, and expecting women to go out with him. You can't just be a blank person and expect interest on her part. Few men would contact a woman online if she doesn't have a photo. Even if her looks would have been a pleasant surprise, it doesn't matter because she wouldn't get far enough to meet. To like you just for you, is an abstract concept. I think probably only a mother can like her children just because they are them (her children). Dating involves attraction based on desired qualities in a mate. You said you liked this woman because she's cool. This was one of the things she offered. She showed you something interesting about her. So when I read your OP, I gathered you wonder what could have been, if you had shared more of who you are over text? You didn't know she was gonna cut you off. You thought there would be time to get to know each other in person. You held back because you wanted her to discover you later, but instead you probably just appeared really uninteresting, maybe even boring, so that there was nothing there for her to be attracted to. If my assessment is correct, that is indeed unfortunate. And you are understandably upset. Maybe you have regrets. Although the ghosting is bad form, I don't like to accuse her of playing games because maybe she genuinely tried and you offered not much of you for her to want to continue. I agree texting is not the best way to know someone, but neither is reading an OLD profile. It's like you have to attract the other person through several levels of electronic presentations before they agree to spend time with you in person. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 This isn't a female-specific issue. Men have done and continue to do the same damn thing and age, status, education and the rest of it doesn't change the outcome. What more is there to say except, welcome to online dating. Nothing makes sense anymore since dating became digital and as someone who values communication, connection and realness, it's a hard pill to swallow. Thick skin is indeed a requirement when doing online dating as is a sense of humour and low expectations. But even those can prove to be challenging when you're someone who wants to remain as positive and open as possible to all the possibilities. Sometimes it just sucks. 1
lurker74 Posted May 30, 2019 Posted May 30, 2019 but if a lady won't even have tea with me before knowing all of that, does she really have business being in my life? Thats a serious question, I really want to know. And honestly it's been making me depressed, I feel like a sh*tty person because I feel like women don't actually like me for me. Yes, she does have business being in your life. You don't know what she values. Maybe she's been out with a bunch of uninspiring losers and she wants to know that someone she's spending time on has ambition or passion in his life. Or maybe she swore off artists because she likes cerebral accountants. You can lament technology all you want but we have access to people quickly and easily and many people have adapted to it accordingly. And no one likes you for who you are until they, you know, know who you are. The abundance or scarcity of texts is not going to solve that problem. And to be honest, it sounds like she met with someone else and is now interested in him, not you. 1
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