oldlion Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 Your husband has all the traits of an asexual. I know someone, close to me, who is asexual and displays the same characteristics as your husband. a.sex.u.al-- without sexual feelings or associations "asexual individuals may still experience attraction but this affection doesn't need to be realized" Your husband once gave you permission to have an affair. That's because, to him, sex is unnecessary for him and he doesn't see it's importance and doesn't need it in his life. He is good to you because he does have affection for you. Maybe you need to tell him that sex and intimacy is important to you. He just might tell you to be careful who you hookup with and don't fall in love and leave your family. You can't settle this without communications. I do wish you well.
Author RoseGold18 Posted June 20, 2019 Author Posted June 20, 2019 (edited) I am gonna take an unpopular, but honest position on this. There are 2 other options. 1. Her H is a closeted gay man. No kiss since their wedding. Good provider, but no sex. Sounds like he's avoiding sex with her for a reason. I've seen it before. There are still closeted people for reasons like religion, where I saw this the most. 2. Her H was abused as a kid and he just can't do the intimacy thing. Again, I've seen it. But with the wife being the non sexual spouse. I have a few theories as to what the issue may be. I have even asked my husband multiple times if he was gay, and he says no. 1. I used to think he wasn’t interested in sex because he was single for so long that maybe he just got used to not having sex and maybe preferred masturbating because that is what he had to do for so long. 2. Low testosterone. He went to the doctors once when I was trying to get pregnant because he could not always get it up when I was ovulating (the only time we had sex) and he told me the doctors said he was fine but gave him viagra. Why would they prescribe viagra if he was fine?! 3. Erectile dysfunction. He can’t get it up sometimes without prepping himself and even when we did have sex he would have trouble ejaculating. He told me because his exgirlfriend freaked out about him ejaculating and wouldn’t let him in fear of getting pregnant that he got used to it. That was like from 16 years ago. 4. He is gay. Not ruling that out. He could be. His parents are anti gay so there would be a reason for him to hide it. But even if he was he never even tries to do butt stuff or anything. Well I know, because I’m a girl so maybe I just don’t do it for him. 5. He is asexual. This could be I mean he isn’t sexual or affectionate and he doesn’t seem to care or think it’s abnormal. It makes me sad. And the lack of sex and affection from him for so long has made me fall out of love. I don’t find him attractive. I don’t want him to touch me like I used to. I know it doesn’t make any sense. I think to myself hey he hasn’t slept with you in over a year. Just tell him you want an opened marriage and don’t hide it. Makes sense and it’s to the point where I feel like he couldn’t really blame me or be surprised or hurt. I sometimes think he wouldn’t even care. And maybe I’ll get there at some point. But my worry is that he doesn’t understand sex so he won’t understand my need for it. And if I bring it up and he gets upset, I don’t want him to be suspicious about me going out. It really makes me sad that I’m not enjoying sex like I should. I wish I could just wake up one day and not care about sex anymore. Edited June 20, 2019 by RoseGold18
MustbeloveNot Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 +1 for starting an affair because my husband was so repressed sexually/had a low sex drive/ was always borderline asexual. When I started my affair, we had not had sex for 2 years. The trouble now is that I am no longer attracted to him (and now realize i never really was, on a relative basis). Gosh, Heartwhole, the situation you are describing is exactly what I would wish for with my husband going forward, though I doubt it would be possible given my dishonesty up to this point. I do want to point out, there is a difference between an open marriage versus a couple who is divorced/separated but who still live together for parenting/financial reasons. I have a friend whose wife "left" him for another woman, and who himself has never been particularly monogamous. But they still live together (she has health issues so can't work), and their child is very well adjusted and the parents still get along great. I think in order for this situation to work, both partners need to be mutually "over" and disinterested romantically in their former spouse, such that they truly are roommates versus "exes". And of course this situation is not for everybody, or for most people. I just want to point out that it's more of a "co-parenting" relationship than an open marriage. Okay you’re really stretching the Why you cheated.. guess what lots of us endured a sexless marriage and we did not run off and have an affair. This is typical cake eater/ Wayward mentality that you feel entitled and selfish to do as you please. Why didn’t you just Divorce your Husband and then run off to get sexed up??? No Excuses
pepperbird Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 Do any of us really know or understand the true meaning of that word being married ourselves??? yes. many of us do. 1
pepperbird Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 WFoolish on her part. Mm want both in one women. It's foolish for anyone to try and be something they are not simply to try and keep their spouse with them. It's not sustainable and just leads to resentment. Btw, most mm who cheat aren't looking for it all rolled into one person. They cheat because they feel entitled to and because they want "more". it's not that desire that's the problem, is how they go about satisfying it that stinks.
pepperbird Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 But it was sort of aggressive to the point where I started crying and it was nonstop even when we were having sex. It was not fun for me. It made me feel awful, sad, stuck, sick to my stomach. Op, Where is this guy? I want to throttle him for treating you like this. 1
BaileyB Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 Op, Where is this guy? I want to throttle him for treating you like this. I agree. Not sure how anyone could return to a man who does this... It would change my relationship, forever. It would end my relationship.
Zona Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 At the moment, you are being a cake eater - husband and family life for security, and boyfriend for romance, sex and excitement. This is grossly unfair to your husband and child and is not sustainable. You need to come clean and file for divorce. Your boyfriend sounds unstable. What kind of man has sex with a woman who is upset and balling her eyes out!!?? IMO, the chance of having a stable long-term relationship with him is next to zero. If you're no longer in love with your husband, set him free and work on an amicable co-parenting arrangement. Once you're officially single, date (single guys) all you want. 1
BaileyB Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 If you're no longer in love with your husband, set him free and work on an amicable co-parenting arrangement. She has said she can’t/won’t do this. It is not in her financial best interest and single parenting is hard work. She has decided the better option is to keep the comforts of her marriage while seeking the affection she wants elsewhere... Not the very least of her problems, she has chosen not-a-nice guy and she has become attached to him - as expected because she is starved for affection. That’s probably a big part of the reason why she is tolerating treatment a woman should never tolerate from a man.
Orokotikki Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 In other words she it taking advantage of her betrayed spouse... She won't set him free because this is what she wants to do. How sad. 2
Author RoseGold18 Posted June 20, 2019 Author Posted June 20, 2019 (edited) You all are NOT wrong and I am ashamed of myself. I do feel like I am using my husband. I know I am. But I am scared to be a single mom. We live in one of the most expensive states and both of our lifestyles would drastically change which would not only affect me, but also my son and mother. I also don’t want my son to be from a broken family. I thought I could disconnect myself and have this affair but it hasn’t been as easy as I had thought. I know it’s unfair to my husband and to my son. And it’s unfair to the MM’s wife and his family. But I start rationalizing it by thinking it’s just sex. He is staying with his wife and vice versa...what harm is it doing, really? But yes, I know. I know it’s not right. I do want to fix things with my husband but I’m scared that we will go to counseling and nothing will get fixed. At this time I’m not willing to stop my affair because it’s the most excitement I’ve had in my life in a long time and my husband just pushes me away. He doesn’t try with me either. He treats me like his sister. He rather stay up and play video games for 3-4 hours. I am seeing a therapist. I started going because I feel so guilty. I don’t think anyone realizes what it feels like to be rejected by your own husband for 11 years. Now we have a son and it’s not that easy to just leave. My husband and I have had numerous conversations about divorce. He refuses. He suggested we get divorced and stay living at our house. I can almost guarantee that my husband rather us have an opened marriage than have us divorce. My husband is a very involved father and refuses to split his parenting time with me. That would tear him apart. He suggested at one point that i stay at our house with our son and that he will leave once our son goes to bed and then come back first thing in the morning when our son wakes up (6am). It’s very difficult. I don’t know how to come back from this emotionally for me. I don’t know how to look at my husband in a sexual way again and try AGAIN. Believe me I know this isn’t right. I do feel like a terrible person. This is something I am not proud of and something I thought I would never do but I am just trying to make it through. I honestly feel depressed ever since I’ve had my son. I really feel so lost and depressed and I’m not sure I could function as a single mother. Truthfully. My son is difficult. We cater to him. I have no family help. I am dependent on my husband in a lot of ways. I’ve been with him since I was 26. But in the same aspect I believe my husband is also dependent on me. Believe me I wish I was stronger. I am this weak, depressed, dependent person. I never should’ve had a child. I never should’ve gotten married. I never should’ve stayed with him but here we are. If I had family help, like my mother did while she was going through her divorce I would’ve left long ago. I literally have no one. Edited June 20, 2019 by RoseGold18
mark clemson Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 Well, it seems like you DO have options actually (to divorce but stay living together and/or openly open the marriage). Not ideal options, but consider whether your guilt might be alleviated. As for the MM's marriage - well, it's only "OK" until a Dday from what I hear. Then it becomes a HUGE flipping nightmare... 1
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