gotaloha2000 Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 There is so much to my story, but I'll try to be brief. It's been almost five years since I found out about my wifes affair. We have been married for 28 years. What I do know took lots of digging and questioning. What I know now is that 20 years ago, while she was attending college, she began a affair with a classmate. The sexual contact lasted for four years. I suspected at the time, but she told me they were "just friends". After the four years, they continued to see each other for approximately two years until he moved to another state. She said that during that time, they were not sleeping together, would just meet for lunch. After he moved, they would be in contact with each other by telephone every two years or so. She said they would only chat to catch up on things and she only spoke to him because he called her. In 1999, she contacted him and began e-mailing him (using a secret e-mail account) and had frequent telephone calls (using calling cards) until I discovered the contact in 2001 by stumbling onto some e-mails. From the time I found out, it took me 1 1/2 years to learn what I now know. I'm not sure I know all that happened and suspect there is much more I don't know. Everytime I asked something or told her what she had said didn't make sense, she would get angry and withdraw for a day or two. She said that it felt "like I was dragging her through the mud". This has happened almost every time from day one. She would also say hurtful things like "he is the only man that ever knew me", or "he is the sexiest man I ever knew". I've told her these things hurt, but she has never replied. We went to two different marriage counselers and after each each session, she would be angry and wouldn't want to talk or be close for a few days. We are currently seperated and I am still trying to save my marriage, but I don't trust that she has been honest with me, and trust is very important to me. My question is this: My experience is when someone is defensive, they are lying. Is this just a male characteristic? When I ask a question and she gets angry is this a female way of coping? Do you think she has been totally truthful with me? When we aren't talking about us, we get along fine, great even. It's only when I want to tell her something that is still hurting, or something that concerns me about what happened that she gets angry. Anyway, any feedback or comments from a woman's perspective would be welcome, because this is not how I would have handled it at all.
quankanne Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 is it a male characteristic? no, honey, it's that extra sense you develop about someone when you've been in a relationship with them for so long because you can read them pretty well. is she lying? no idea, only she can answer that for sure, but even if she's not physically involved with the other man, emotionally and mentally she's with him 100 percent. And that doesn't bode well for y'alls marriage. counselling hasn't helped improve communications between the two of you when it comes to moving past/through the affair? My guess is that even though she can accept you as a friend and gets along well with you otherwise, emotionally, you will not be her "Mr. Right" –*the other man has claimed that title. I guess the big question is, what do you want from your relationship, and how long are you going to fight for it before realizing it may not ever be what you want? I'm pro-marriage, but I also understand there comes a point where you can only give so much, do so much to make one work, and that if you're the only one giving in earnest, maybe it's time to go. Even in a marriage that's nearly three decades old ...
gotaloha2000 Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Thanks - I guess for me the most frightening thing is that I really thought I knew her and would be able to tell if something was not right. She totally fooled me! With the exception of when she first met him, I didn't have a clue. And during the time of the latest contact, we were spending at least one day a week together hiking and talking as we were training for a very long two day hike. I had never felt closer to her and I thought she felt the same. So how does one trust again when there was no indication there was this other long term relationship? All of this is so very hard.
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