What's it like?

[Inflikted]

Dating was never really in the cards for me, and while that used to bother me, I've moved on, and honestly, being a single guy just makes more sense for me anyway. I'm good with it.

 

Sometimes I still wonder about what it's like, though. How could I not, right? I'm always fascinated by couples, wondering how they got together, what their day to day relationship is like, what problems they've had and how they worked through them, what their sex life is like, etc. Everything under the sun. Funny enough, my two primary friends are a girl and her boyfriend, and I wonder stuff about them, and while she's not exactly shy about telling me anything, I'd never actually pry like that, lol.

 

But I still wonder, anyway. I dunno. What is it like? I'm just curious what kind of experiences I'm missing out on.

[alphamale]

being in relationships is a lot of hassle

[I'veseenbetterlol]

being in relationships is a lot of hassle

 

Can't agree 100%. Yes relationships can be hard, but when you find the right person, its not even a hassle.

[Garcon1986]

- Relationships can be a lot of hassle

- I've struggled from no hope of a relationship, to about 20 first dates and 3 relationships with 3 fine people

- some days, things are just ordinary, like the time when you had to take your GFs car to the shop

- other days, you feel like you could stay up all night with the other wonderful human lying next to you

- lying on someone's chest and listening to their heart while talking about Mr Bean jokes is a spectacular experience

- meaningful sex with a person you care about is really extraordinary

- You can also watch a special lady turn into an emotionally manipulative person at the drop of a hat, and always demanding to look at your phone

- Other days, you don't feel like letting go of a hug

- Some mornings, she asks you if she needs makeup, and you tell her, well of course I will enjoy special makeup, but I've seen you without makeup, and you look delicious. Most days, please use whatever you think you can get done quick and easy. And I meant it.

- Other days, you daydream about the kids you might have one day with that special lady

 

In short, it's a great honour to let your human experience intersect with another human experience. It's just a monumental struggle for men to get there who have not been trained in the unwritten rules since childhood.

[PRW]

It's just a monumental struggle for men to get there who have not been trained in the unwritten rules since childhood.

This was the most important statement.

Not having the upbringing, the honorable masculine father in the house to teach both directly and by example with his relationship to the mother. It is one of the root causes of the epidemic of men we now call by multiple names, Incels, FA's, beta's, orbiters etc. The difference in the terms are based on different variations in the condition. But they all have common roots.

[basil67]

PRW, the roots aren't common to all. The 'unwritten rules' are commonly referred to by men and women who have Autism Spectrum Disorder: Something which Garcon has said he believes he has. ASD isn't caused by absent fathers. Some of the auties and aspies I know who struggle with the unwritten rules have loving, engaged and guiding fathers.

[Inflikted]

Very, very fascinating. I wish I could understand it deeper, but I guess that's about as much as anyone could really try to explain it, eh?

[Gaeta]

With the wrong person a relationship is filled with hurt, frustration, contradiction, emotional distress and loneliness.

 

 

With the right person it's fulfilling, engaging, exciting, safe, peaceful, and you feel that special bond at every moment.

[The Outlaw]

In short, they're a joy for some, and a headache for others.

[LenaRea]

- Relationships can be a lot of hassle

 

In short, it's a great honour to let your human experience intersect with another human experience. It's just a monumental struggle for men to get there who have not been trained in the unwritten rules since childhood.

 

Hi Garçon, I absolutely love your description of a relationship. Remarkably well balanced and unabashedly honest.

 

Unfortunately, it’s not always en easy struggle for women with similar afflictions, so I feel your pain. I would love for someone to teach me how to be more feminine! I’m much too straightforward, sarcastic, and clueless for my own good!

[Garcon1986]

Hi Garçon, I absolutely love your description of a relationship. Remarkably well balanced and unabashedly honest.

 

Unfortunately, it’s not always en easy struggle for women with similar afflictions, so I feel your pain. I would love for someone to teach me how to be more feminine! I’m much too straightforward, sarcastic, and clueless for my own good!

 

how did it go trying to get that experience and education here on LS?

[LenaRea]

how did it go trying to get that experience and education here on LS?

 

Well, I haven’t overtly tried to obtain instructions, as of yet. I predominantly lurk about and read everyone else’s experiences hoping I’ll sponge up something useful. Still single, so I guess it’s not really working In all fairness though, I don’t try very hard, so.....I’ll keep you updated.

[alphamale]

Well, I haven’t overtly tried to obtain instructions, as of yet. I predominantly lurk about and read everyone else’s experiences hoping I’ll sponge up something useful. Still single, so I guess it’s not really working In all fairness though, I don’t try very hard, so.....I’ll keep you updated.

 

nothing replaces real world experience LR

[LenaRea]

nothing replaces real world experience LR

 

Oh, I know...I have so many “reasons why,” but...at the end of the day I’m just chicken.

[Ruby Slippers]

The positive: Tons of fun, romance, kissing, free massages, great sex on tap, mutual support, dates, cuddling, a companion for all those things that are more fun to do with your honey (going to the movies, a nice dinner out, road trips, grocery shopping), having someone to bounce things off, a mirror of your strengths and weaknesses, and for women, help with all the man stuff - carrying things, mowing my yard, fixing stuff around the house, etc.

 

The negative: Disagreements when you don't see eye to eye, petty behavior when one of you is tired or getting your buttons pushed, sometimes feeling more vulnerable than you'd like, having to accommodate his/her friends/family when you'd rather not be bothered, having to deal with his/her issues when you have your own to deal with, being/living with someone who does things their sometimes-annoying way, not your way.

 

I could do pros & cons lists about the same length for being single.

[Inflikted]

It's crazy how it seems like such an "alien" concept, to me, yet is such a normal facet of life for the vast majority of people out there. I find the whole concept so fascinating, and I wonder if there's any way I could understand it better while being on the "outside".

[mark clemson]

When it's good it's great, esp. at first. When it's bad it's terrible, esp. at the end.

[lana-banana]

Dating is very different from a healthy long-term relationship. Dating is fun---lots of sex and excitement, infatuation and lust, a feeling of breathless addiction to a new person accompanied by a desire to do anything for them. Every love song on the radio, no matter how dumb, leaves you grinning like an idiot. You spend the first few months utterly unable to think of anything else; you eat, sleep, breathe them, you try to do everything together, the whole world feels new and thrilling and full of promise. It's somewhere between an obsession and a drug addiction.

 

Healthy long-term relationships are different, but in my opinion they're infinitely better. You're out of the honeymoon phase but you've (hopefully) built something much stronger that gets you through tough times. Your partner is more than your lover: they're your confidant, your number-one fan, and probably your best friend. They've also seen you at your worst. You can be depressed, moody, or incredibly annoying, and they'll still have your back.

 

Sex changes too. The wild animalistic sex you have during the honeymoon period happens way less often - maybe on weekends or during vacations. You instead have other kinds of sex: lots-to-do-today sex, sleepy-Sunday-morning-sex, tired-and-stressed sex. These are all pretty good in their own way, because by that point you've built up an intimacy with the other person where you can be more vulnerable and honest about what you need. Some people find it boring, but getting rest and time off helps with that.

 

It's not always easy. Having to dedicate part of yourself to another person means that sometimes you take off work to help them in an emergency, or have to get up just as soon as you've settled into your favorite chair. It's annoying but you deal with it because you love them, and you're there to help out. You don't lose your own identity but you start thinking of yourself as a member of a team. It's the two of you against the world and what helps them helps you, and vice-versa. You get used to putting each other's needs above all else.

 

You also learn how to love someone even when you don't particularly like them at that exact moment. (This is a thing you intuitively know as a member of a family, but it's different when it's your romantic partner versus a sibling or a parent.) It is frightening to know so much about somebody that you realize you could devastate them emotionally with a few words. You don't do that, but you could, and sometimes when you're fighting you level a couple blows that really hurt. You figure out how to voice your disagreements in a way that minimizes pain to the other person and how to apologize when you get it wrong.

 

You develop a weekday and weekend routine. I cook meals during the week, my husband cooks on weekends, and every Sunday we go to the fancy local market to buy a fish that he prepares. We invent recipes together, usually while he drinks cold brew or a pourover. On weekdays we typically go for a walk after dinner. Whatever the routine is, you cherish it, because it's yours. This is probably the biggest change from being single even though it's not very dramatic---just the little aspects of a life you create together, with each other. It becomes deeply weird when the other person isn't around.

 

Ultimately the most meaningful part of a good relationship is being with someone who knows you and still loves you. Think about all the things you hate about yourself and imagine being able to fully share those with somebody. It requires a hell of a lot of trust, and every time you go through a relationship that ends disastrously, that trust fractures a little. But you have to keep trying because it's huge and humbling and deeply validating. Like, I don't pretend to not be a mess of a human being, but being sincerely loved makes me want to get my act together and do better.

[alphamale]

Dating is very different from a healthy long-term relationship. Dating is fun---lots of sex and excitement, infatuation and lust, a feeling of breathless addiction to a new person accompanied by a desire to do anything for them. Every love song on the radio, no matter how dumb, leaves you grinning like an idiot. You spend the first few months utterly unable to think of anything else; you eat, sleep, breathe them, you try to do everything together, the whole world feels new and thrilling and full of promise. It's somewhere between an obsession and a drug addiction.

 

I liken it to insanity l-b

[Inflikted]

Dating is very different from a healthy long-term relationship. Dating is fun---lots of sex and excitement, infatuation and lust, a feeling of breathless addiction to a new person accompanied by a desire to do anything for them. Every love song on the radio, no matter how dumb, leaves you grinning like an idiot. You spend the first few months utterly unable to think of anything else; you eat, sleep, breathe them, you try to do everything together, the whole world feels new and thrilling and full of promise. It's somewhere between an obsession and a drug addiction.

 

Healthy long-term relationships are different, but in my opinion they're infinitely better. You're out of the honeymoon phase but you've (hopefully) built something much stronger that gets you through tough times. Your partner is more than your lover: they're your confidant, your number-one fan, and probably your best friend. They've also seen you at your worst. You can be depressed, moody, or incredibly annoying, and they'll still have your back.

 

Sex changes too. The wild animalistic sex you have during the honeymoon period happens way less often - maybe on weekends or during vacations. You instead have other kinds of sex: lots-to-do-today sex, sleepy-Sunday-morning-sex, tired-and-stressed sex. These are all pretty good in their own way, because by that point you've built up an intimacy with the other person where you can be more vulnerable and honest about what you need. Some people find it boring, but getting rest and time off helps with that.

 

It's not always easy. Having to dedicate part of yourself to another person means that sometimes you take off work to help them in an emergency, or have to get up just as soon as you've settled into your favorite chair. It's annoying but you deal with it because you love them, and you're there to help out. You don't lose your own identity but you start thinking of yourself as a member of a team. It's the two of you against the world and what helps them helps you, and vice-versa. You get used to putting each other's needs above all else.

 

You also learn how to love someone even when you don't particularly like them at that exact moment. (This is a thing you intuitively know as a member of a family, but it's different when it's your romantic partner versus a sibling or a parent.) It is frightening to know so much about somebody that you realize you could devastate them emotionally with a few words. You don't do that, but you could, and sometimes when you're fighting you level a couple blows that really hurt. You figure out how to voice your disagreements in a way that minimizes pain to the other person and how to apologize when you get it wrong.

 

You develop a weekday and weekend routine. I cook meals during the week, my husband cooks on weekends, and every Sunday we go to the fancy local market to buy a fish that he prepares. We invent recipes together, usually while he drinks cold brew or a pourover. On weekdays we typically go for a walk after dinner. Whatever the routine is, you cherish it, because it's yours. This is probably the biggest change from being single even though it's not very dramatic---just the little aspects of a life you create together, with each other. It becomes deeply weird when the other person isn't around.

 

Ultimately the most meaningful part of a good relationship is being with someone who knows you and still loves you. Think about all the things you hate about yourself and imagine being able to fully share those with somebody. It requires a hell of a lot of trust, and every time you go through a relationship that ends disastrously, that trust fractures a little. But you have to keep trying because it's huge and humbling and deeply validating. Like, I don't pretend to not be a mess of a human being, but being sincerely loved makes me want to get my act together and do better.

 

That's intriguingly sweet. I almost wish I could experience that, myself.

[Lotsgoingon]

Brilliant post, lana-banana ... and great logon as well!

 

I will only add that one of the best parts of a good relationship is that you learn more about yourself. We're all fishes in water. But then we have this other person who points out quirks and preferences that we have, points out strengths we have (and weaknesses as well) ...

 

But there is nothing like learning about yourself from the perspective of a loving person. Half the strengths and gifts I have ... I wouldn't have recognized but for people pointing them out in relationship.

 

Inflikted, you sure you don't wanna go to therapy and make dating a project? Literally, it is NEVER too late. NEVER! And remember, there's a double out there, who is just like you ... who would also love to love ...

[Els]

It's fantastic with the right person, IMO. You feel supported, loved, and cared for on a daily basis, and you have an oasis to escape to when work or friends or other parts of life gets rough. You know they'll always have your back

 

It does require some sacrifice as lana banana mentions. The flip side of having all that in a partner is that, unless you're a gigantic douche, you'll want to be the same for them. And that does take time and effort.

 

I personally think the sex gets better. Probably a bit less frequent, but better in terms of quality. There's just something to be said for knowing each other so intimately for so long that lends itself to being able to give each other mindblowing experiences that otherwise wouldn't be possible, IMO. The trust, the knowledge of each other's bodies and likes and dislikes down to the very last detail, all the trial and error. I have never cum so hard or so much in my entire life and I still don't exactly know what H does that makes it happen - he's become better than me at pleasuring me! I get that some people will feel differently about LTR sex though.

[Inflikted]

Inflikted, you sure you don't wanna go to therapy and make dating a project? Literally, it is NEVER too late. NEVER! And remember, there's a double out there, who is just like you ... who would also love to love ...

 

It's more that there's a very lengthy list of things I need to work on about myself before I could reasonably be a proper partner to someone. Whether or not it's ever "too late", I really don't like the fact that I have no idea how to be a partner to someone, at my age. That's really not fair to another person to have to put up with. At my age, I should at least have some idea of how to give that to someone. Either way, I really can't imagine myself "with" someone, anyway. I genuinely don't feel like there's someone out there for me. And as bleak as that may sound, I'm not "sad" or "depressed" about that. Heck, if anything, I feel like it'd be incredibly selfish and irresponsible of me to want a "love life" as I am now.

[Lotsgoingon]

It's more that there's a very lengthy list of things I need to work on about myself before I could reasonably be a proper partner to someone. Whether or not it's ever "too late", I really don't like the fact that I have no idea how to be a partner to someone, at my age. That's really not fair to another person to have to put up with. At my age, I should at least have some idea of how to give that to someone. Either way, I really can't imagine myself "with" someone, anyway. I genuinely don't feel like there's someone out there for me. And as bleak as that may sound, I'm not "sad" or "depressed" about that. Heck, if anything, I feel like it'd be incredibly selfish and irresponsible of me to want a "love life" as I am now.

 

So where are you with friendships? Have you been able to build some friend relationships? If so, you have the foundation of tools needed for romantic relationships ... And you know, none of us is fully equipped for relationships. Married partners are still learning about their partner (and learning not to be a good partner) decades into the marriage. You can learn some of this through the relationship itself.

[Grey40]

The only reason you haven't had a successful relationship is that you haven't really tried to put the effort in. Why?