ChatroomHero Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Yeah, he is in damage control. It's one thing to lie about seeing other women and another thing when actually caught (and he obviously knew he was caught), to come up with wild explanations that it must have been his ex, or his friend...if the original lie wasn't enough, the doubling and tripling down is inexcusable. Here's there problem- anything he tells you, anything he says to make you consider giving him another chance, you absolutely have to consider he is lying again. What you already know is he has no issue with lying and no issue with getting deeper into it when caught. When he asked who the friend was and where the friend saw him, what he is doing is fishing to find out what you actually know and what he has to admit to in order to craft a conceivable lie that you will accept. In my experience that is the tell tale sign of a professional liar. If he says "I met a friend at Red Lobster on Tuesday", he opens himself up to you saying it wasn't there and it was Friday, or something like that. He knows you could easily trap him. If he throws out a couple of situations like, "I had to meet with my ex one night and then a friend came into town another...." he is throwing out multiple scenarios to avoid getting trapped. Usually when they give their defense, they will give very sketchy details on the day, time, where, etc. to avoid painting themselves in a corner until they get the details from you. He is going on the assumption you trust him and actually don't know much. If he says it was a friend of his and you ask for a first and last name, where they met, how they knew each other, you'll usually be able to see the gears turning in their head to give a plausible answer. The thing is, he doesn't know you saw the multiple communications. He expects he only has to have a cover story for one incident. His whole, "I really like you crap" is nothing more than damage control and feeling you out to what you know. With an accomplished liar, it's a way of life. You'll never get the full truth. You'll only ever get bits and pieces of truth where he cannot get away with lying. Personally, someone like that I would only ever judge them on what I know for sure...that lying to you is totally acceptable and they are ok with spending their time trying to be one step ahead of you and don't mind playing you for a fool. I'd run. Then again I am opposed to relationships I know are destined for failure and I don't try to make something work when I already found out it won't work. 5
frus69 Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 You don’t accept it, but did she ever tell him that she doesn’t either? Just because you don’t accept something doesn’t mean that the other person feels the same way. That’s why, to me, it is not cheating if they didn’t agree on being exclusive. I don’t multidate or sleep with multiple guys at the same time, but I never assume that the guys I’m dating are like me. So if I discover that the guy I’m dating sleep with someone else and we never discussed the subject, I’ll be probably disappointed and a little hurt, but he has every right to do what he wants since we never agreed on anything. I dont think just because she didnt explicitly tell him "dont multi-sleep", she has to accept that he multi-slept. If she feels this is a deal breaker, then it's a deal breaker. Dont guilt her into thinking it's her fault for not telling him beforehand 4
SophieG Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I dont think just because she didnt explicitly tell him "dont multi-sleep", she has to accept that he multi-slept. If she feels this is a deal breaker, then it's a deal breaker. Dont guilt her into thinking it's her fault for not telling him beforehand It is not her fault, it can be a dealbreaker and she has every right not to accept it. But on the other side, he never agreed to only sleep with her either.
Author livinglife2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Author Posted May 27, 2019 It is not her fault, it can be a dealbreaker and she has every right not to accept it. But on the other side, he never agreed to only sleep with her either. To be honest it’s the lying that’s getting to me, the fact he’s talking and possibly sleeping with others isn’t ideal but as you mentioned we never discussed exclusivity. However lying to my face and saying he isn’t when I know he is is turning me off. I think I will say listen I know your seeing others, I don’t appreciate being lied to. My worry is if he lies about this then what else will he lie about it really doesn’t make sense to me.
frus69 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 . My worry is if he lies about this then what else will he lie about . Everything, as long as it's to his benefit. (That's why he lied this time too) Do not ever accept a liar. Not to mention this is not even a white lie. 2
SophieG Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 And I completely get where you’re coming from. Like I said, to me, the lying part is the problem here. I would still be honest with him about the snooping and see what he has to say. But to be honest, lying that early in a relationship isn’t good. I personally would have difficulty believing from now on. 1
SophieG Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 ** Lying in general is not good... but I mean that it’s a huge redflag early in the « relationship » 2
mark clemson Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 However lying to my face and saying he isn’t when I know he is is turning me off. That, my dear, is QUITE understandable. 2
frus69 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 ** Lying in general is not good... but I mean that it’s a huge redflag early in the « relationship » Yeah. Even not a relationship, I once had a F buddy lying to me about silly things and I stopped seeing him for that lol People who are capable of lying without the blink of an eye are scary. 2
Author livinglife2019 Posted May 28, 2019 Author Posted May 28, 2019 Yeah. Even not a relationship, I once had a F buddy lying to me about silly things and I stopped seeing him for that lol People who are capable of lying without the blink of an eye are scary. So if yous where me how would you approach this? I am gonna pull him up on it and I am fully prepared to break things off. I really don’t want to because I like this guy a lot but I won’t tolerate being used or lied to especially when I’ve been very open and upfront.
frus69 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 he never agreed to only sleep with her either. the fact he’s talking and possibly sleeping with others isn’t ideal but as you mentioned we never discussed exclusivity. . But when you asked him "are you seeing anyone else" and he said "no". Is that “exclusive by default"? Because how else would you have interpreted this conversation?
elaine567 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 Most people looking for relationships believe in monogamy. A guy who is sleeping with you regularly for 6 weeks and behind your back is still "playing the field" is not a guy who believes in monogamy. Those that take full advantage of "multi-dating" are not good bets for the future. ...and then there is the lying... 2
frus69 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 So if yous where me how would you approach this? I am gonna pull him up on it and I am fully prepared to break things off. I really don’t want to because I like this guy a lot but I won’t tolerate being used or lied to especially when I’ve been very open and upfront. 6 weeks is quite some time if you see and do each other regularly. People who see and do multiple people for THAT long is really...I just personally find it difficult to still see it as innocent as multi dating anymore. I'd just tell him the truth. You mistaken his phone to yours and you looked by accident. Then you just couldnt stop looking and found out he's lying and that's a deal breaker. He will probably shift the blame to you at first for snooping. Dont let him guilt trip you. Then he will probably say "but we arent exclusive". But dont let him digress. It's not about sex, it's about the lie. Then he may start begging you, promising he wont do it anymore. Be strong and dont fall for his trap. Once a liar, always a liar. You woulnt believe this is the first and last time in his life that he lies, right? 2
SophieG Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 But when you asked him "are you seeing anyone else" and he said "no". Is that “exclusive by default"? Because how else would you have interpreted this conversation? To me, it’s that he’s not seeing anyone else AT THAT MOMENT. Like I said, he could easily see someone attractive in the street, she asks him out and he agrees. My bf and I both told each other that we deleted dating apps. But that doesn’t mean he can’t meet someone at the supermarket. In my opinion, when both say : I’m only seeing you and I’m not interested in dating anyone else. I would like for us to be exclusive... that would be pretty clear to me. Personally, I told my bf that I wanted to date only him and was interested in investing my time with him to see where it led. He felt the same. That’s it. 1
SophieG Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 He will probably shift the blame to you at first for snooping. Dont let him guilt trip you. Then he will probably say "but we arent exclusive". But dont let him digress. It's not about sex, it's about the lie. Then he may start begging you, promising he wont do it anymore. Be strong and dont fall for his trap. Once a liar, always a liar. You woulnt believe this is the first and last time in his life that he lies, right? ^^^ This a 100% ! Liars will try to make you feel like sh*t and make you look like the bad guy, so you feel guilty and YOU end up apologizing. Don’t. Be sorry that you snopped but that is it!!! You snooping doesn’t forgive the lies.
d0nnivain Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 I plan on meeting him the day after tomorrow and I will say it but how should I go about it. Do I just say I know you lied and have been dating other girls or what? I think you are on the right track about framing the issue lying vs cheating. I'm pretty blunt so I'd say something like this: I was pretty happy with where we were & when I asked you about other women that was more of a health question. We didn't talk about exclusivity so that's on me. I'd pause to gauge his reaction then continue with I have to confess I snooped in your phone & saw all the messages from the other women. Before you fly off the handle at me for snooping, I apologize for invading your privacy but we have to talk about you lying to me. If you just said there were others or even evaded the Q, I could handle it but now I'm having trouble getting past the lies. Let that sink in for a moment. The say Two wrongs don't make a right but do you have any interest in trying to find a path forward? If he attacks rather then offers a solution, walk. If he tries to gaslight you, laugh in his face then walk. If he is willing to work with you, maybe stick around if you want to & he's all that. 3
bachdude Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 All this talk about not dating liars would have to apply to the OP too since she lied through her teeth about her friend seeing him with another girl. And this was after invading his privacy. This isn't to excuse his lie but to say they both aren't truthful with each other. 4
Inspire Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 I might be in the minority here, but I wouldn't even tell him about the phone. You know he lied so there isn't anything to confirm. If you tell him about having gone through his phone, he is just going to spin it back on you for having snooped. It'll also make you look sketch. I completely get where you're coming from. If he is lying now, and over this—how could you fully trust his word in the future for more serious matters. Unfortunately, that doubt would be more than enough to make me break things off. 2
Gretchen12 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 So if yous where me how would you approach this? I am gonna pull him up on it and I am fully prepared to break things off. I really don’t want to because I like this guy a lot but I won’t tolerate being used or lied to especially when I’ve been very open and upfront. I would just tell him I lost interest and I no longer want to see him. There is no need to confront him. As you said, you want to end it because you're turned off. So you lost interest. That's the least complicated way to end it. I wouldn't be interested in getting into any arguments or negotiations or emotional scene. 3
Art_Critic Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 I asked him what he thought about us being exclusive and he said he didn’t need a label and assumed we already where but if it made me happy he would be happy for us to define our relationship. So you know he will date out on you then, if he is telling the truth then he felt like you were already exclusive.. so then why all the dating/sex with others then.. Careful with this guy, his version of the truth might never actually be the truth. 2
Highndry Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 (edited) The guy is a liar, and he is stringing you along, trying to say all the right things. The problem is, you are a liar, too. Instead of owning up to your own uncomfortable truth, as he should have, you put yourself squarely into the same category as him, lying to his face. This relationship, in my opinion, has little chance for a number of reasons. First, this guy is a liar and he actually made it worse by acting like he assumed you two were already exclusive when he said there was no need for a label. If you were to take him at his word, that would mean that he was ok with screwing other women while he was in a relationship with you. There is no recovery from that. You, as well, messed up big time concocting a wild lie about your friend seeing him out with a woman. Only people comfortable with lying start making stories up. People who aren't liars don't even consider doing such thing. The both of you need to learn some honesty. Edited May 28, 2019 by Highndry 2
Inspire Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 So you know he will date out on you then, if he is telling the truth then he felt like you were already exclusive.. so then why all the dating/sex with others then.. Careful with this guy, his version of the truth might never actually be the truth. This right here says it all. With what he said just makes what you found all the more worse and makes him an even bigger liar.
Andy_K Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 I think you are on the right track about framing the issue lying vs cheating. I'm pretty blunt so I'd say something like this: I was pretty happy with where we were & when I asked you about other women that was more of a health question. We didn't talk about exclusivity so that's on me. I'd pause to gauge his reaction then continue with I have to confess I snooped in your phone & saw all the messages from the other women. Before you fly off the handle at me for snooping, I apologize for invading your privacy but we have to talk about you lying to me. If you just said there were others or even evaded the Q, I could handle it but now I'm having trouble getting past the lies. Let that sink in for a moment. The say Two wrongs don't make a right but do you have any interest in trying to find a path forward? If he attacks rather then offers a solution, walk. If he tries to gaslight you, laugh in his face then walk. If he is willing to work with you, maybe stick around if you want to & he's all that. This is awesome advice. If everyone could approach dating issues with that sort of composure and boundary setting, this forum wouldn't exist. Be prepared for the worst though. If you're not exclusive after 8 weeks, it's not likely you ever will be. It doesn't take that long for two people who are a good match to decide they're into each other. 1
Veronica73 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 I’d walk. Or at least I hope I would. He’s a liar. It’s not likely to get better. Also, when people say they don’t want to “put a label” on things, it usually means they want wiggle room to do whatever they want. And maybe they don’t care if you do whatever you want with whoever else. I guess if you are fine with that, great. But he’s still a liar. And yeah...you are too. That’s not good either. But I don’t think your lie is as bad as claiming to be exclusive when you’re not. But you could have handled it a lot better. But at the same time, when you discover somebody is lying to you...I think it is okay to go into stealth mode. At this early in the relationship, I’d question why it is even worth continuing. This should be the easy, fun part of the relationship. It’s not going to be now. You’re going to be wondering what else he might be lying about.
kendahke Posted May 29, 2019 Posted May 29, 2019 If you're able to never pick up his phone again and snoop it, then keep this to yourself and do what is in your best interests, protecting yourself. If you can't say you'll never pick up his phone and snoop, then you have to decide how much torture you're going to submit to in order to get your next "fix" of his phone... and you also have to ask yourself "do you like who you have to become in order to have this guy in your life?" Don't squander your youth--it's a finite thing.
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