livinglife2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Just to keep this short. I met a guy about 8 weeks ago it’s being going very well, we haven’t had the exclusive talk yet. Anyway I snooped through his phone, I know it’s wrong I do feel guilty. I picked up his phone thinking it was mine and saw a list of WhatsApp’s from different girls. Some he arranged to meet and some he already met. Once I saw them I couldn’t stop reading. Now to give you all some context, I asked him about 3 weeks ago if he was seeing other girls to which he said no and then I saw the messages today on his phone. He doesn’t know I saw them as I haven’t said anything yet. But I did ask him again if he was seeing others and he said no that he hasn’t been on a date since we met but what I read says otherwise. So I’m not angry that he’s seeing others as we never discussed being exclusive but I am angry that he’s lying about seeing others. I spoke with my friend who told me I should just own up and say I saw the messages or at least move past it and ask to be exclusive. So I lied and said one of my friends saw him with another girl to which I think he freaked out a little. I asked him what he thought about us being exclusive and he said he didn’t need a label and assumed we already where but if it made me happy he would be happy for us to define our relationship. I don’t know what to do, the lying about dating is worrying me. I know I snooped and I have never done it before, I really did mistake it for my phone but when I saw those messages I just couldn’t stop reading until I felt ill. Part of me what’s to say I know your dating others so please just be honest with me while the other part is saying give him the benefit of the doubt as we weren’t exclusive. It’s a total mess I really do like this guy but now I’m afraid I’ve wrecked it. What would you do in my position?
d0nnivain Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Although he was well within his rights to see other women, he should not have lied to you. I suppose I would talk to him about it & say what I just wrote to you but a big part of me would have a great deal of trouble trusting someone who has such a casual relationship with the truth. Continue seeing him at your own risk. 3
Inspire Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I don't think there is anything wrong with dating other people, you two aren't exclusive yet, but like you said why lie about it? You didn't wreck anything, you just caught him in a lie. If anything this could be a blessing in disguise. What was his response when you told him that your friends saw him with someone else? You said he "freaked out a little" ... what does that mean exactly?
Foxhall Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 don't be too hard on yourself, eight weeks in, your entitled to get a commitment from the guy and it is reasonable to expect that he will not be looking to see other women at this point. what if you get more heavily attached and he comes along in another few weeks and wants to end it, I think your right seek a straight answer now are yee a genuine couple or not. 1
Author livinglife2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Author Posted May 27, 2019 I don't think there is anything wrong with dating other people, you two aren't exclusive yet, but like you said why lie about it? You didn't wreck anything, you just caught him in a lie. If anything this could be a blessing in disguise. What was his response when you told him that your friends saw him with someone else? You said he "freaked out a little" ... what does that mean exactly? He started asking me where my friend seen him and when, he then started saying it could’ve been the time he met his ex which he did tell me about or it was when he met his friend. He then went on to say any of his spare time he’s been with me. I just said my friend saw you and it looked like you where on a date. I didn’t go into to much detail and kept it simple. He sent me a message which I showed my friend who said it was a sad message and that it looked like he didn’t want to loose me.
Author livinglife2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Author Posted May 27, 2019 This is the message I got a little while after I asked him. “Just wanted to say that I really like you. Not only for all the help you give me. But for who you are and for what we’re building.” The help he mentions is he’s currently changing jobs and I’ve been helping him with interview prep etc.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 a big part of me would have a great deal of trouble trusting someone who has such a casual relationship with the truth. Well said. I usually only excuse "snooping" for committed marriage partners with a lot on the line, but even still....you can't unring that bell and now you know. You deserve a truthful partner.
frus69 Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Have you guys had sex? What is your definition of multi dating. Do you have sex with multiple people? For me, multi dating stops once we have sex. So I'd see him as cheating. 1
Author livinglife2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Author Posted May 27, 2019 Have you guys had sex? What is your definition of multi dating. Do you have sex with multiple people? For me, multi dating stops once we have sex. So I'd see him as cheating. I haven’t had sex worn anyone I don’t know about him, but the messages I read weren’t exactly PG if you know what I mean.
frus69 Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I haven’t had sex worn anyone I don’t know about him, but the messages I read weren’t exactly PG if you know what I mean. You had sex with him yeah?
Author livinglife2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Author Posted May 27, 2019 I plan on meeting him the day after tomorrow and I will say it but how should I go about it. Do I just say I know you lied and have been dating other girls or what?
Author livinglife2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Author Posted May 27, 2019 You had sex with him yeah? Yeh, we started sleeping together after about 2 weeks of dating. I haven’t slept with anyone else since then.
SophieG Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I’d go with the truth : I took your phone by mistake, saw your messages from other girls, couldn’t stop myself and kept on reading. I know what I did was wrong, but it did lead me to discover that you were lying to me about not seeing anyone else. Then you talk it out and see if there’s any resolution to the situation 2
The Outlaw Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 That's a red flag. He could very well be keeping his options open, but it still doesn't make it right to lie when asked. Trust is a must for any relationship, and once it's been broken, game over. There's the door. See ya. 3
frus69 Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Yeh, we started sleeping together after about 2 weeks of dating. I haven’t slept with anyone else since then. So is it ok with you that he slept with other girls after sleeping with you? Before you talk to him, where do you stand? Do you want to forgive him or end it? 1
frus69 Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 This is the message I got a little while after I asked him. “Just wanted to say that I really like you. Not only for all the help you give me. But for who you are and for what we’re building.” . How do you know he hasnt said similar things to his other girls? 1
Author livinglife2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Author Posted May 27, 2019 So is it ok with you that he slept with other girls after sleeping with you? Before you talk to him, where do you stand? Do you want to forgive him or end it? Not one bit, I blindly trusted him till today. I’m a mixed bag of emotions. Angry that he lied and then sad because I can’t forgot or move on if I don’t say I know your lying and that will probably end things there and then. Part of me wants to say my piece and walk away the other part says give him a chance.
SophieG Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Personally I would only be pissed about the him lying. If you didn’t have the exclusivity talk, he’s aloud to see or sleep with whoever he wants. In my opinion, as long as it’s not discussed, you can’t be mad at him (about that!). 1
frus69 Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 If you didn’t have the exclusivity talk, he’s aloud to see or sleep with whoever he wants. I dont agree. There is no rules when it comes to relationships. If OP is not happy about him sleeping with bunch of women and her, she has every right to be pissed and every right to end it. 1
SophieG Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I dont agree. There is no rules when it comes to relationships. If OP is not happy about him sleeping with bunch of women and her, she has every right to be pissed and every right to end it. But he has every right to do so! They never agreed to be seeing each other exclusively. He might have said he wasn’t seeing anyone at the particular moment, but he could have met a girl at the gym 3 days later, find her attractive, go on a date and sleep with her. As long as no agreement is reach and discussed, in my opinion, both are free to do whatever they want. 1
frus69 Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Not one bit, I blindly trusted him till today. I’m a mixed bag of emotions. Angry that he lied and then sad because I can’t forgot or move on if I don’t say I know your lying and that will probably end things there and then. Part of me wants to say my piece and walk away the other part says give him a chance. Look, this guy lied, because he knows hes guilty. If he honestly believed he didnt do anything wrong, he wouldnt be lying. Even he thinks he is guilty. Why would you for a second think it's ok? I personally do not accept sleeping with multiple people. For me he is a liar and a cheater. Do you accept it? Be honest to yourself. Dont bend your principle for any guy. 2
SophieG Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Of course she’s free to do whatever she wants... but he’s wrong for lying. He didn’t cheat on her or anything. My point is, she can be mad or disappointed, but aside from lying, he didn’t do anything wrong.
frus69 Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 But he has every right to do so! They never agreed to be seeing each other exclusively. He might have said he wasn’t seeing anyone at the particular moment, but he could have met a girl at the gym 3 days later, find her attractive, go on a date and sleep with her. As long as no agreement is reach and discussed, in my opinion, both are free to do whatever they want. yeah he can screw whoever but Im saying she is allowed to see that as wrong and get pissed. You were saying she isnt allowed to be pissed at the sleeping part but only the lying part and I dont agree with that. She has every right to see it as wrong, if it goes against her principle. 1
SophieG Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I personally do not accept sleeping with multiple people. For me he is a liar and a cheater. Do you accept it? Be honest to yourself. Dont bend your principle for any guy. You don’t accept it, but did she ever tell him that she doesn’t either? Just because you don’t accept something doesn’t mean that the other person feels the same way. That’s why, to me, it is not cheating if they didn’t agree on being exclusive. I don’t multidate or sleep with multiple guys at the same time, but I never assume that the guys I’m dating are like me. So if I discover that the guy I’m dating sleep with someone else and we never discussed the subject, I’ll be probably disappointed and a little hurt, but he has every right to do what he wants since we never agreed on anything.
elaine567 Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 You KNOW he is seeing and no doubt sleeping with other women, yet he lied to your face, what part of that is OK? My guess is that he is a user, he is using you to help him get a new job, but he is not that interested otherwise, so is still out chasing other women... 3
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