How much time is too much time?

[tomoyo]

Just want to get some thoughts on this, how much time do you spend with your SO when you don't live together yet? BF (35) and I (29) have been together almost a year, we don't live together (yet, pretty sure he is thinking about it given he's said "when you move in" a few times lately). I had a relationship before with someone that cheated on me like crazy and liked to blame me, citing me being "clingy" as a reason. So now I'm a little paranoid about being too clingy.

 

In a week we will typically have plans on the tuesday or wednesday and I'll spend the night, then friday night we will have a date, and I'll stay over and then I'll typically just spend the whole weekend with him, going home eithor sunday evening or more often staying over sunday night and going to work from there in the morning. BF isn't a very social guy, he only has a few friends he saw regularly when we started dating, predominantly a married couple that he would hang out with the most. Now he spends the bulk of his time with me and has only seen them lately when we have double dated with them. I always ask on the weekends "am I keeping you from anything spending the weekend with you?" to which he always says I'm not. but I'm terrified that I'm being too smothering and seeing too much of him and he's just going along with it to make me happy. BF is the type that will do anything to make me happy, and while I love that sometimes I worry that if I'm being annoying or smothering he won't say so. Even on the nights we don't see eachother one of us will end up calling the other (about 50/50 on who does) and we will end up on the phone for at least an hour chatting and losing track of time. We never actually make plans to spend the whole weekend together, we just typically wake up and he will say "What do you want to do today?" Which I take to mean he wants to spend the day together and so we find something to do, and then the same thing happens on Sunday. Which again, I love because I like to spend lots of time with my partner, but I worry he is just trying to make me happy and won't actually say "Hey can you take off, I want some me time".

 

Am I being clingy, or do you think I'm just paranoid of acting that way because of my ex? I like a lot of time with my partner, but I don't want to be taking over his life and end up driving him away. BF always says "if I didn't want to see you I would just say so" but he is also just so sweet that I second guess if he actually would say so? He has always voiced his opinion when we have differing views, but he has never actually said "you bother me when you do [bLANK]" or gotten really mad at me. BF is always so calm, we never fight because we are usually on the same page and even when we aren't its just a calm conversation. Is this just what a healthy relationship is like and I'm just traumatized from my toxic previous relationship? Sometimes I'm just blown away there there is no fighting, no yelling, no drama that it almost feels abnormal to me. I now you aren't supposed to compare, but its kind of hard not to when you've only had one experience and it was so bad.

Edited May 27, 2019 by tomoyo

[d0nnivain]

What you are experiencing is a healthy relationship Your past traumas are coloring what you understand normal to be.

 

One weekday date & weekends together is what I did with almost every relationship I ever had, changing that up occasionally. Sometimes I'd want to spend the weekend with my friends & there were times when we'd see each other more during the week.

 

Don't look for problems where none exist.

[Curiousroxy86]

Aw I totally get where you coming from. Imo I think you should...

 

1) stop asking him anything remotely close to “am I being clingy/do you want to spend time with me/am I keeping you from Xyz”

 

2) if your worried about being too clingy and whether he rather do something else then just let him initiate when he wants to see you and you stop initiating that part. You just respond positive when he does. That alone will give him autonomy and space without you worrying about it and without him having to get away from you to get it. So if he says “hey babe you coming over Friday” the answer is “sure honey” if he says “babe I want to see you Tuesday” the answer is “ok honey”. In the mean time you fill up your time doing things that make you happy or will make you happy. If he hasn’t asked to see you then instead of trying to see him and close the gap then you let that be time to himself and time for yourself. And if he wants to see you then he will try to close the gap on his own. Hopefully that makes sense.

 

Assume that when he says he wants to see you that it means exactly that...he wants to see you. Be confident. Good luck!

[preraph]

He is initiating the weekends, so he seems to be okay, but I would just suggest one thing, and that is that you always try to maintain balance. Being with only the one person all the time will eventually get boring, so you always should have your own social life, hobbies and interests apart from his and devote some time to them. Don't let your friendships with your girlfriends slide just because you have a man. It's so hurtful to do that. And one day you'll regret it. Keep them in your life and spend some alone time having a long lunch with them. You don't have to go out to bars or anything that might rock the boat. Just do a ladies' lunch and be sure he knows you just have to maintain your friendships or they will wither.

 

Encourage him occasionally spend time alone with his friends as well. Or just plan one night off you stay home every Wednesday and catch up on your laundry or call your mom. Balance is always healthiest. When we're newly in love, sometimes we forget to hold on to what we already have, then later when we get a little stir crazy, it becomes an issue to make the change. So reserve some time for yourself now, in advance of moving in together. Let him know, I'll probably always need one day a week (or every two weeks) to catch up with friends and interests. Even if he isn't feeling like he needs it, I bet he will use that time for himself and feel good about it.

 

Good luck. Stop worrying. Be balanced.

[SophieG]

I’ve been with my bf for almost a year also, and our schedule is similar to yours. Monday and Wednesday we’re not together, Tuesday and Thursday we’re at his place, Friday and Saturday at mine, Sunday he leaves in the morning but I go back to his place in the evening and spend the night.

He calls me everyday that we’re not together (after work and before bed).

I used to feel like you, so at some point I just stopped initiating anything during the week. Those days he’d be like : « why the heck aren’t you at my place? ». I explained it to him and he told me that he always wants to see me and if he didn’t, he’d tell me. So now it’s just our schedule and we just both assume that those days we’re together, except if one or the other has other plans.

So I’d say go with flow. If you ever see a change in behavior or feel like he’s hinting at some time alone, maybe reduce a bit... but if it works for both of you, continue as it is.

[Curiousroxy86]

Also on the spend the night thing. When I spent the night And didn’t have to work next day I too normally spend the day with my boyfriend (when I was in a relationship) but had to go home to get ready for whatever comes after that weekend or day ( work, school, sporting event, or special occasion involving family).

 

If there is no obligation from both you or him that breaks that time then it’s totally fine.

 

However

 

It could be perceived as a bit clingy for example if you left because you had to go to work but chose to come back to his place after work after already spending previous day and night or weekend without him saying he wanted you to come back after work lol. Or he had to leave for work/obligation and didn’t say “babe stay I will be back” yet you still there waiting on your own lol. So those circumstances for examples could come off as suffocating to a guy. And a lot of times they are not going to be rude and say “babe could you like go home” lol.

 

So I would say just watch any assumptive actions like that.

[Foxhall]

funnily enough just reading your post there, I realise I enjoy being single too in a way,

 

 

I enjoy going out playing squash and golf /doing table quizzes/playing cards/going for occasional beer etc

 

 

I am looking for a partner but Id be happy too if she had plenty of her own interests and id continue to enjoy my interests as detailed,

 

 

your post there I guess that is typical of an average couple in terms of amount of time spending together but once a week or once a fortnight would be enough for me,

 

 

I guess Ill have to change my outlook if I want marriage and kids and I do actually want that too,

 

 

interestingly this lady I've met recently is in no hurry to rush things and I reckon it will be six months before we sleep together if it ever gets to that,

 

 

and actually I am happy with that idea too!!

 

 

anyway sorry I get sidetracked at times,

 

 

OP, I think preraphs post is pretty spot on here, go with that advice.

Edited May 27, 2019 by Foxhall

[preraph]

^ Big part of the reason I didn't really pursue marriage. I just can't imagine being with one person day in and day out. I'd be best off with a business traveler -- but of course, they usually cheat! Still....

[Lotsgoingon]

I think you have two dynamics you want to tease out.

 

Dynamic #1 is whether you are spending so much time together that he will you're clingy. (BTW: you have to get old BF outta your head.)

 

Dynamic #2 is more subtle. Is it possible you are spending time with him because there's nothing else to do and he wants to spend time with you?

 

So my question: if you could design the ideal amount of time together (forget about being clingy) what would it be?

 

Also floating in the air might be a sense that he only gets social with you. And perhaps that seems strange to you and you don't quite trust that.

 

Bottom line: don't see everything through the lens of clingyness and the accusation of your old bf. There are many other aspects of calibrating a good amount of time together and apart. And get clear on what YOU want.

[Happy Lemming]

Just want to get some thoughts on this, how much time do you spend with your SO when you don't live together...

 

I've been dating my girlfriend 7.5 years, we spend the weekends together and that is about it.

 

Although we are both retired, I've been working on my "fixer-upper" home during the week and she has her hobbies, art, working out, swimming, etc. during the week.

 

It actually works out perfect.

 

Personally, I think the amount of time you two spend together is fine and I agree with "d0nnivain".

 

Relax and enjoy life.

[Gaeta]

Trust him.

 

When he says he spends time with you because he wants to, trust him he says the truth.

 

Every couple is different. My bf and I have seperate places but he comes to mine every day after work. Once in a while he needs some time alone so he stays at his place. I trust him he knows what he needs in terms of space and he'll plan his alone time accordingly. It's not up to me to plan how much time alone he needs.

 

 

 

 

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[elaine567]

n a week we will typically have plans on the tuesday or wednesday and I'll spend the night, then friday night we will have a date, and I'll stay over and then I'll typically just spend the whole weekend with him, going home eithor sunday evening or more often staying over sunday night and going to work from there in the morning.

 

Why are you always the one staying the night at his?

You are doing all the running around whilst he gets to wake up in his own bed every day...

[basil67]

One person's clingy is another person's normal is another person's distant. It's about finding what works for both of you.

[elaine567]

Clingyness did not make your ex cheat, he cheated because he wanted to cheat AND he wanted to blame you for it too.

 

Everyone seems paranoid about appearing too clingy, but I guess introducing "distance" and being emotionally unavailable, probably ruins more relationships.

[GTR King]

Been with my Girlfriend 7 months usually see each other about 2 times a week.

 

Once in the week (evening) & usually at the weekend stay over & spend whole day together (depends on her shifts)

 

It usually too much when the other person feels smothered you still need time for your friends etc

[tomoyo]

Why are you always the one staying the night at his?

You are doing all the running around whilst he gets to wake up in his own bed every day...

 

 

BF has a house to himself, where as I live in a condo with a roommate. He's stayed at mine once or twice, but it just seems uncomfortable for everyone.

 

 

I guess if he's not complaining or intentionally making other plans then he must not have an issue with the time we spend together? I guess I should just trust him to be an adult and speak up if he's unhappy with it. Again, I like spending a lot of time with my partner, I think shared activities and experiences are a really important part of a relationship. I guess it's just insecurity brought on from my last experience that makes me worry that he doesn't enjoy that as well. I'll try to relax more and assume all is well unless he says otherwise.

[Iris The Butterfly]

2) if your worried about being too clingy and whether he rather do something else then just let him initiate when he wants to see you and you stop initiating that part. You just respond positive when he does. That alone will give him autonomy and space without you worrying about it and without him having to get away from you to get it. So if he says “hey babe you coming over Friday” the answer is “sure honey” if he says “babe I want to see you Tuesday” the answer is “ok honey”. In the mean time you fill up your time doing things that make you happy or will make you happy. If he hasn’t asked to see you then instead of trying to see him and close the gap then you let that be time to himself and time for yourself. And if he wants to see you then he will try to close the gap on his own. Hopefully that makes sense.

I like this advice. I can totally relate and I do this with my bf who likes his alone time. We see each other a little less than you see your bf, 3 days/nights a week, definitely not all weekend. 7 months dating. I know that he will always make plans to be together when he is ready to spend time. If I'm busy, we make it a time that is convenient but most of the time it goes along with what Roxy said. Create the gap so he can close the space.

 

Been with my Girlfriend 7 months usually see each other about 2 times a week.

 

Once in the week (evening) & usually at the weekend stay over & spend whole day together (depends on her shifts)

 

It usually too much when the other person feels smothered you still need time for your friends etc

Same for my relationship. One to two weeknights, one to two weekend nights. Works for me. I'd like more time but it's important to remember not everyone is on the same page as far as how much alone time they need. I need very little and like to be social. My bf is different and you just have to figure out a happy medium.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Double post