Abusive partner wrote me a reference, feeling guilty for breaking things off

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Dear all, I'm sitting feeling really guilty

Basically somebody who was abusive to me, but also wished to control my life too, wrote me a reference to get into college ( professionally, he is also a superior at work ) and tweaked my supporting statement

 

To my surprise and his I was offered a place to do an Msc, I applied only for a Bsc and this gives me a golden ticket to escape from the workplace I work with him and abuse

 

I wasn't even intending to leave but a last straw moment came after I was accepted onto the course when he flirted with another woman in front of me like he had many times before, always a different woman he would rub in my face, shaking her hand and praising her appearance, after treating me terribly for a year and rejecting me over and over, yet at the same time, doing things for me and then making me feel really guilty, when I tried to give back he would never accept or let me, he would approach me and when I took the bait he would punish me and criticise me all the time

He had also deliberately tried to make me jealous with another woman and said he felt so sorry for her as she was abused by her husband, acting tender, warm and kind to her in front of me, whilst being angry with me and disrespectful, deliberately humiliating and ignoring me and acting cold to me and hostile

 

 

I initiated no contact then, have been no contact a week and now guilty feelings have come up that he helped me get the Msc and now I am ungrateful

 

 

I did the groundwork though and preparation and passed the interview myself

 

 

I am feeling like an ungrateful b*** - I thanked him though

 

He wrote me a glowing reference but afterwards said to me it was all bulls***

The things he put in the reference were legitimate, he didn't tweak what I wrote that much but I am a good writer and he criticised me effort, even when I thanked him profusely and said he was a good writer, he was annoyed and said, you don't have to say that!

But he made a big deal of how much time he spent doing it for me, I think each thing took a couple of hours

 

Even when I asked if I could do voluntary work in his workplace he said I'll try, there's a nurse who owes me a favour who might help, he seems to spend all his time doing favours for people then being resentful and making them feel beholden to him

 

 

Another friend also wrote a reference and all I did was say thank you and that was fine, she was happy to help me

 

 

Should I feel guilty? A part of me is even thinking, I don't have a right to even go to the college now or I will just feel guilty and " beholden " to him, after writing it, he said you owe me, didn't even do it out of the goodness of his heart

 

Other people criticised me for letting him write the reference, he offered to though and now I feel guilty, mixed up and foolish

 

In the relationship he would try to make me feel guilty all the time for everything, cook food for me and say I wasn't thankful enough, when I tried to give him something or offered to cook for him in return he would never take it and would be angry with me for giving

 

I keep wanting to break no contact as I feel like I should give him a gift to say thank you or take him out or it'll be terrible

 

We also have a cruise booked in September and I feel kind of obligated to go - though in a way, I've paid my dues, he pressured me into sex and kind of used me a bit at the start, I have already suffered a lot due to him and the abuse and a part of me thinks, I deserve this, this break I've been given to make a new start and a new life

 

Working with him has been hellish and I'm glad I can get out, whenever I stood up to him, he would punish me by flirting with my colleagues and he would also talk down to me in front of other members of his team, I had no self confidence until I initiated the no contact with him, the more I let him into my life the worse he would treat me

I began to attend his church as well and in the end, he sent me a newspaper clipping of a stalker, saying I was a stalker for attending the same church as him, he would phone me or bring me things yet when I reciprocated he would be angry and tell me to leave him alone, then the next week he would change the goalposts berating me for not bothering to contact him and punishing me - he was always angry when he saw me, never smiled or acted happy for long, he might have done for a bit then he would stop again

Anyone else could have helped me and now I feel like I've made an awful mistake and have this hanging over me preventing me moving on, however, in a way I feel I'm doing him a favour anyway by leaving, he treated me like a pain in the neck and a piece of trash for being there

He never took me out anywhere anyway, saying that we couldn't in case somebody saw us from work, just came round to my house, he brought me stuff but it was cheap stuff, he complained once his first girlfriend only used him for his money and worried that's how he sees me but guess I shouldn't be seeking his approval so much still

 

I am grateful he wrote the reference but need to protect myself now, I had so many days and nights of crying over his behaviour as well as crying at work and the last time felt like the last straw for me, to see him treat another woman with so much respect, I actually felt suicidal ( feel much better now ) and decided I had go no contact or modified contact because I work with him, Love, DLD X

Edited May 27, 2019 by Dear Lady Disdain

[Art_Critic]

Don't break NC, just count your lucky chickens and stay away from him. The stalker references should show you he isn't in the right mind and for your own emotional safety I would stay far away from him.

You thanked him already for the reference, that is enough

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thank you so much Art Critic, yes, the stalker reference was ridiculous, I never once acted like a stalker, yet he did, turning up in my space a lot, either to hook me at the start or to reject me and ignore me later on, whenever he wished, he actually did stalk

He sent it Christmas eve and never apologised at all

Yes, I'll continue with the no contact, thanks for the help you've given, so much appreciated thanks so much, reading your reply helps alleviate feelings of guilt and I'll keep coming back to read when I feel irrationally guilty, I need to protect my emotional health you are so right

 

I hope this guilt ends, he was always trying to make me feel bad for not loving him enough, telling me how much more love, respect and admiration other people gave him than I did, yet I tried so hard to show him I cared, he pushed me away though when I did

 

And lol yes counting my lucky chickens, someone up there loves me and is getting me out :-) XX

Edited May 27, 2019 by Dear Lady Disdain

[oceanblue12]

Anyone that abuses YOU deserves NO respect and or dignity from you

PERIOD....

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thanks so much oceanblue12, simple and true, you are right

Really appreciate this, helping me to realise and know, these guilty feelings are all irrational bless you XX DLD

[oceanblue12]

You are more than welcome. Just know that you have value

and that your feelings and wants mean something. Do not

let another have the power to curb your feelings and/or

emotions

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thank you, the power is what he gets off on I think, this is giving me a lot of strength, bless you X

[preraph]

This is your perfect chance to never see him again and that is what you should do. I'm sure he had his own reasons for doing you a favor there. Don't give him a gift after all the crap he's done to you for just doing one decent thing. A thank you is enough. It's all any other person would get for a good reference.

 

Walk away and be glad you're away from him.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hey thank you so much Preraph, came to think everything was my fault, just had to open my mouth and was told it was " nonsense " and " bulls***" so it is very good to be able to read all these kind replies

I think you're right about him having his own reasons

Yes, this is the perfect opportunity and I can't wait to be able to hand my notice in and go, I think he was expecting me to fail and annoyed I did not but did better than we would have anticipated

I know that anybody else would be happy with a thank you and happy to do the favour, I will continue with the no contact

Bless you, DLD XXX

[preraph]

Good luck. Change is usually good and always stimulating at least.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement, Preraph, yes the changes are exciting :-) XX

[stillafool]

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did your work. You should have dropped this jerk along time ago. Stay NC. don't care what he thinks and move on with your life. Don't ever let another man treat you the way he did. Reading back on your other threads I see you have been putting up with this guy for quite some time. Why? It's time to let him go.

Edited May 28, 2019 by stillafool

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Dear Stillafool, Yep he is still the same man from Feb 2018 and it got worse and worse - you've actually helped me and reminded me, I can read my own post! That will encourage me to keep up with the no contact :-)

 

Thanks very much and still going with NC - you are right, I should have dropped him some time ago, I was with him a while because I felt intimidated by him and afraid to leave - I'm glad I've made this choice and really grateful for your encouragement, i would never let a man treat me so badly again, learnt from this thank you ever so much and much love DLD X

[guest569]

You have done nothing wrong here whatsoever and owe him absolutely nothing! As a manager, it's part of the job to write references, and really shouldn't take hours upon hours. That's on him. It's not a massive favour to write a reference for an employee.

 

YOU have worked hard and YOU got into the Msc. All you should be doing now is celebrating your achievements and preparing. Congrats!!

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi smiley, thank you so much for your kind words bless you! I am excited about it and thanks for reminding me to be proud :-) XX