Healthy personal time/space

[unevenXchange]

This may be considered a “cleaving” stage where things start to shift out of the honeymoon stage and into being more “real” and raw(emotionally).

 

Yes things can be scary at any stage , I feel. It’s up to the both of you to decide whether you’re going to let fear control you and stunt your growth. I suggest keep pushing and see how you feel through at least this first “shift”.

 

Thanks.

 

The shift is REAL though. It’s like it’s more raw, but still kinda guarded. We met as friends. When things got more serious as they are now, I feel like he’s trying so hard to make sure he says and does the “right” thing. It’s sweet but it can be very frustrating.

[surferchic]

Definitely can relate to this.

 

It’s a challenge because I feel like the push/pull starts and I often end of ending relationships around this time... perhaps it’s the cause of my times being single/ really single.

[unevenXchange]

Yea well, both genders are in search of some sort of power whether we want to admit it or not.

 

I just want to remain in a balanced state within my relationship. Not sure how steady the balance will be realistically speaking but that’s what I’d like.

[surferchic]

Yea well, both genders are in search of some sort of power whether we want to admit it or not.

 

I just want to remain in a balanced state within my relationship. Not sure how steady the balance will be realistically speaking but that’s what I’d like.

 

I feel like that balance will be whatever you make it.

 

I also think that there will be shifts in the relationship that will indefinitely throw the balance off. I guess sometimes it’s best to be prepared for things to be off balance, especially in terms of one person giving or receiving things like attention, effort, space, affection , etc.

 

I say this for the mere fact that people are different. And although things seem to align more often in the early stages of the relationship, things do inevitably shift. Not necessarily a bad thing... just a reality IMO.

[unevenXchange]

Agreed. It’s what someone and their SO feel is right for them both.

 

Personally, I feel like my SO and I are growing closer most days. Then things fluctuate and I get anxious inside feeling like ...”omg. Maybe we’re spending too much time together. I don’t want either of us to get tired of the other.”

 

But then he keeps “coming back for more”. And I too indulge. Meaning time, calls, texts, intimacy, etc.

 

Not sure if anyone else gets a little anxious when you and your SO spend A LOT of time together, but that’s how I get. Now I feel like I’m growing out of it gradually, some days.

[Lotsgoingon]

Not sure if anyone else gets a little anxious when you and your SO spend A LOT of time together, but that’s how I get. Now I feel like I’m growing out of it gradually, some days.

 

This is tricky territory ... Partners rarely have the exact same needs for time together and time alone. So both partners have to go outside the ideal preference ... probably regularly back and forth throughout the relationship. Hopefully the time needs aren't too far part.

 

But if you're someone who needs alone time ... you don't want to go too far outside your comfort zone ... and linger out there too long or too frequently. Otherwise, you risk falling way out of balance, and your internal balancing system will throw a furious, nasty, tantrum to demand alone time--a lot of time alone, unfortunately way too much alone time. (You alone time folks know exactly what I mean.)

 

Speaking up when I really don't feel up to spending time together--with a tone of flexibility added in-- has worked for me. If my partner really wants to hang, they will plead with me to come out ... And I'll do it. They win because they get the time together they want. I win because my partner appreciates that I've "stretched" myself. The couple wins because we've negotiated openly and honestly.

 

Mutual confusion: I swear this happened more than once. I've been in early relationships when I was spending more time together than I wanted--but of course, I was silent. Later, I would learn that my partner thought it was me--not them--who wanted so much time together. They really wanted more time apart. Swear that has happened more than once ... which started me on the path to being upfront.

[unevenXchange]

This is tricky territory ... Partners rarely have the exact same needs for time together and time alone. So both partners have to go outside the ideal preference ... probably regularly back and forth throughout the relationship. Hopefully the time needs aren't too far part.

 

But if you're someone who needs alone time ... you don't want to go too far outside your comfort zone ... and linger out there too long or too frequently. Otherwise, you risk falling way out of balance, and your internal balancing system will throw a furious, nasty, tantrum to demand alone time--a lot of time alone, unfortunately way too much alone time. (You alone time folks know exactly what I mean.)

 

Speaking up when I really don't feel up to spending time together--with a tone of flexibility added in-- has worked for me. If my partner really wants to hang, they will plead with me to come out ... And I'll do it. They win because they get the time together they want. I win because my partner appreciates that I've "stretched" myself. The couple wins because we've negotiated openly and honestly.

 

Mutual confusion: I swear this happened more than once. I've been in early relationships when I was spending more time together than I wanted--but of course, I was silent. Later, I would learn that my partner thought it was me--not them--who wanted so much time together. They really wanted more time apart. Swear that has happened more than once ... which started me on the path to being upfront.

 

Although I love spending time with him, I do need a nice amount of alone time. He knows that I enjoy some time to myself but he still tries pushing my limits I think. He’ll ask me over one day during the weekend which is great. But then it ends up being extended periods of time (I end up not being prepared if I didn’t already have some of my things at his place) with several relatives and kids and behavior issues amongst kids, etc I end up needing time to myself. So I’ll step away or take a walk somewhere for a minute.

 

It’s likely some anxiety on my end in combination with a few guys I’ve dated, being demanding of my time.

[unevenXchange]

This is tricky territory ... Partners rarely have the exact same needs for time together and time alone. So both partners have to go outside the ideal preference ... probably regularly back and forth throughout the relationship. Hopefully the time needs aren't too far part.

 

But if you're someone who needs alone time ... you don't want to go too far outside your comfort zone ... and linger out there too long or too frequently. Otherwise, you risk falling way out of balance, and your internal balancing system will throw a furious, nasty, tantrum to demand alone time--a lot of time alone, unfortunately way too much alone time. (You alone time folks know exactly what I mean.).

 

So interesting about both people having different alone/together time needs. All these years I’ve been thinking that if that NEED is too different , then maybe we’re not meant for each other or maybe he’s too/I’m too demanding or introverted, etc.

[Lotsgoingon]

So interesting about both people having different alone/together time needs. All these years I’ve been thinking that if that NEED is too different , then maybe we’re not meant for each other or maybe he’s too/I’m too demanding or introverted, etc.

 

If the needs are drastically different, you may very well not be meant for each other. There are certain kinds of extroverts that I could never be with. I can be the life of the party ... but I need to spread our my party times. I briefly dated a woman who could not sit still ... and was afraid to live alone.

 

Would never have worked with her.

 

BTW: here's a middle strategy that I've always wanted to do more of. You are together ... almost in silence ... Both reading, say ... it's almost like alone time but you're in the same room, same apartment ... occasionally checking in but not fussing over the other. That's a space to try out.

 

No need to judge either your preference or the others ... just trying to see if you guys can make it work. A friend of mine has a partner who is a total introvert (though I didn't know that for the longest). Parties and gatherings drain him. She's easy going and likes to go out with people and would do more except he's not into it. But I think she does enough (he comes out enough) that she isn't miserable.

[unevenXchange]

If the needs are drastically different, you may very well not be meant for each other. There are certain kinds of extroverts that I could never be with. I can be the life of the party ... but I need to spread our my party times. I briefly dated a woman who could not sit still ... and was afraid to live alone.

 

Would never have worked with her.

 

BTW: here's a middle strategy that I've always wanted to do more of. You are together ... almost in silence ... Both reading, say ... it's almost like alone time but you're in the same room, same apartment ... occasionally checking in but not fussing over the other. That's a space to try out.

 

No need to judge either your preference or the others ... just trying to see if you guys can make it work. A friend of mine has a partner who is a total introvert (though I didn't know that for the longest). Parties and gatherings drain him. She's easy going and likes to go out with people and would do more except he's not into it. But I think she does enough (he comes out enough) that she isn't miserable.

 

Thanks for the further insight.

 

That would be me. I lead presentations in front of people all day for work. I can also be the life of the party (in chunks). However, I also love sitting back watching others “entertain” from time to time since i feel like that’s something I kinda do so much for work.

 

I want to clarify that Im not a total introvert and I realize that. Ever since I met my BF, I’ve made him laugh (HARD!) often without even trying. I guess it’s just my laid back way/sometimes stoic sense of humor mixed with sarcasm. The kids in the family(his and mine) are all drawn to me for some reason. People look to me to be upbeat and to bring life /energy to the room often. That’s a lot of pressure especially during times when I’m just not up to it.

 

With my BF, I’m often the one who brings energy to the environment because they can be very intense and serious. So for me, I often need more of a balance. So I’ll create a more light hearted space.

 

Then on the flip side my bf and I both, can get VERY serious and quiet. We often canoe and talk lots. Then we can just sit in silence and we’re good with that. So trying that around the house, his or mine is something to try. I don’t mind being near him, but sometimes I just want to “be”... no shower, no primping, bumming around like a recluse. He’d probably be ok with that but I’m not quite ready for him to see/smell me ALL the way “off” like that. I’ve rushed home from his place just to be comfortable with my morning routines... It’s VERY important to me that I claim and maintain certain PERSONAL regiments. But he tries making me more comfortable in HIS space. It’s sweet but I prefer being in my own space for certain things, for now anyway. If that makes sense...

[Lotsgoingon]

I’ve rushed home from his place just to be comfortable with my morning routines... It’s VERY important to me that I claim and maintain certain PERSONAL regiments. But he tries making me more comfortable in HIS space. It’s sweet but I prefer being in my own space for certain things, for now anyway. If that makes sense...

 

Keep paying attention to what you need. I think we make a mistake when we start a new relationship and throw out the rituals that ground us. If going home after spending night with bf helps you get grounded, keep doing it!

[unevenXchange]

Indeed, I will try to be more aware of my habits when in his space. We both typically make coffee & breakfast for one another at each other’s places unless we’re really pressed for time.

 

The other night when I stayed over, the next morning he told me he made coffee before he left for work(before me). He also made sure he left my grooming needs, toiletries, etc in the bathroom for me. It was all very sweet but...

 

I drank coffee but I didn’t take a shower there because I wanted to be at my place to get dressed without wondering which piece of clothing I was missing, etc. Glad I did... I like taking my time and tend to meander a bit before I’m completely ready to go places. I’m just like that...

[unevenXchange]

Why did I wake up this morning feeling like I may need to end the relationship with current bf. Not because of the healthy space issue (or perhaps indirectly it is).

 

I think it has more to do with another dynamic in our relationship that I don’t think I’m completely comfortable speaking about on the forum right now. I will say it has to do with a real imbalance of responsibility that he has and I don’t. So I’m not sure if I’m “built” to deal with it or willing. I’m trying to accept this feeling I woke up with and trying to see if it’s just a fleeting fought or if it’s something that needs to be acted upon. Perhaps the imbalance I’m referring to is the reason why he insists on spending so much time together and on the phone? He may be trying to compensate for things that he realizes could be deal breakers. And it indeed could be.

 

I don’t like the way I feel right now though.

Edited June 21, 2019 by unevenXchange

[Lotsgoingon]

Hey ... way to really let yourself FEEL what's going on. Sounds like your intuition is making connections as well.

 

There is no rush in going forward. You do not have to go forward. You can, if you want, continue or go even further in the relationship.

 

Just keep paying attention to these feelings ... As long as you allow yourself some time, you'll sort out what the feelings mean.

 

Courage to you!

[unevenXchange]

Hey ... way to really let yourself FEEL what's going on. Sounds like your intuition is making connections as well.

 

There is no rush in going forward. You do not have to go forward. You can, if you want, continue or go even further in the relationship.

 

Just keep paying attention to these feelings ... As long as you allow yourself some time, you'll sort out what the feelings mean.

 

Courage to you!

 

Thanks.

 

I just realized something enough to admit. I actually just miss him or his company when we’re apart. One way for me to cope is to act like it’s not important to me. I miss him right now and we both do even when we just leave one another. We were together from Friday evening til this afternoon.

 

Last night while we were out in the city, he asked was I getting tired of him because he said he remembered me mentioning that I didn’t want us to get tired of each other so I wanted to pace things. He thought he was joking at first but he was serious in asking. I told him no, I’m not tired of him. We didn’t get too deep into the subject because we got distracted by some other activities of the evening. He’s pretty thorough though so we may revisit the conversation soon.

 

I guess I’m bringing it up to say that I DO like our communication because it’s an area of growth for us both.

[Curiousroxy86]

I am oooh so curious what you felt like ending the relationship over though

[greymatter]

Just out of curiosity, how long have you actually known each other, 2-3 months? And how long into the relationship did you start staying over at his place with his child being there? When you spend days together at a time, is it just the two of you or you, him, and his family members and child?

[unevenXchange]

I am oooh so curious what you felt like ending the relationship over though

 

I never said I ended the relationship...nope didn’t do that.

[unevenXchange]

Just out of curiosity, how long have you actually known each other, 2-3 months? And how long into the relationship did you start staying over at his place with his child being there? When you spend days together at a time, is it just the two of you or you, him, and his family members and child?

 

Met about 5 months ago in passing with a mutual friend. I was seeing someone at the time.. I thought nothing of it. We reconnected about 3 months ago and communicated a lot as just friends at first,in my head. Conversation got deeper. He asked me out about twice before I was able to actually connect with him.

 

WeÂ’ve been getting closer since then.

 

ItÂ’s just the two of us mostly at my place. About twice a week, itÂ’s me, his daughter, his brother and his BrotherÂ’s son. We both feel more comfortable staying together alone of course, but I donÂ’t mind going to him simetime. His daughter has her own room. I didnÂ’t start staying at his house until recently, but I met his daughter when I initially met him in passing.

[surferchic]

OP do you feel like it’s beneficial or not, to have the “talk” about time together vs alone?

 

I had the talk once with BF . He acted like he didn’t need that time at first but later he started throwing it back in my face, which is incredibly annoying and petty as h*ll.

[Curiousroxy86]

Why did I wake up this morning feeling like I may need to end the relationship with current bf. Not because of the healthy space issue (or perhaps indirectly it is).

 

I was referring to this...but knowing me I might have misunderstood

[unevenXchange]

I was referring to this...but knowing me I might have misunderstood

 

All good. I just meant I felt like I “needed” to. But nope, I didn’t. In limbo right now so I just keep reading other people’s threads similar to mine.