Healthy personal time/space

[unevenXchange]

I see the guy is short. Napoleon complex you know? Some shorter men feel inferior because of their height so deep down they don't think they have what it takes to keep you around. They're jealous, controling, they check where you are, want to be with you at all time, etc.

 

and I guess it doesn’t help that on numerous occasions he’s seen strangers try flirting with me or staring passed him to look at me when he’s driving us around. I didn’t even notice it until he brought it up two days in a row... I mind my own business and he brings it up as a news flash for me. I told him he was just paranoid. He got a little thrown off when I said it and replied saying no , he’s not paranoid. He saw them staring. My question was and is, what am I supposed to do with that information?

 

He’s a handsome guy to me and I really don’t want a complex to ruin what we have. If things get more intolerable I know how to say “peace out”, but I’m not quite convinced that he’s checking up on me all the time. He does have a job...

 

I’ll keep my eyes open though.

Edited May 31, 2019 by unevenXchange

[crispytoast]

Having your gaze drawn by an attractive person is a natural instinct. A confident partner will not be upset at their partner over this. I would not be offended if I caught a man checking out my partner. F*ck yeah my partner is sexy, and I'm the man that leaves her body glowing and shaking in pleasure every night. If guy is being obtrusive, I might reposition myself to block his view and shoot him a "piss off" look. If he's making her uncomfortable, I'm shooting her a "babe do you want me to handle this" look and if she does, I'll calm but sternly tell the guy off. But I would never be offended at her for someone else checking her out. That's some weak sh*t.

[Gaeta]

I told him he was just paranoid. He got a little thrown off when I said it and replied saying no , he’s not paranoid. He saw them staring. My question was and is, what am I supposed to do with that information?

Don't negate it when it happens he'll try to convince you even more that men check you out. Just go with the flow, I'd reply Looks like you're dating a hot girl!

 

My ex-husband was on the shorter size and he'd do things like this guy, get mad because a man stared at me at the restaurant, worse when we would go out with friends he would not hesitate to tell them to back off.

[smackie9]

I hate it when a man displays jealousy...to me that's a lack of control. It happened a lot when I was in an abusive relationship. My husband knows this and lets me handle the situation. When he was playing in a band girls would hit on him right in front of me, I would let him handle it on his own because IMO that's the mature way.

 

So OP keep an eye on this one...your BF might be nodding his head "sure OK with that" but I have a feeling he is saying no, and he's keeping an eye on you.

[TheFinalWord]

OP, may I ask how old are you? I'm guessing early to mid 20s.

 

I think the larger issue is you don't want a relationship right now.

 

If you did, you wouldn't be thinking about moving or needed days away from him or forgetting to tell him your weekend is booked.

 

When it comes to a relationship, it's hard to go backwards. For example, if you have been spending all your free time together, it's hard to then stop that and spend less time together. It's always going to feel like a subtle rejection, and in a way, it kind of is. I want to be in a relationship with you, but only two days a week. The rest of the time, I want to be single. People these days want it all. A family and 3 kids, but also a 6-figure career; a monogamous mate, and an single, independent life.

 

It seems your boyfriend is willing to work on things, but you don't know what you want. There's no way he can figure out what you want, if you can't.

 

I don't think you want a relationship with him. You just want to date him. Maybe eventually you would want a relationship, but not now. Your emotions haven't caught up yet and yes things probably did go too fast. In that regard, you are smart because putting your all into someone so quick, often leads to heart break later on. But...

 

One thing he is doing wrong is he is trying to accommodate you and strategize ways for you two to work out. If he posted here, my response is he need to back wayy off and not try to stop you from doing what you want. Because eventually you're going to resent him. Even now it sure sounds like you're rationalizing in your mind the eventual break up.

 

Can you imagine if he read this thread? If I found out someone was talking about my girlfriend the way people are talking about your boyfriend...he's jealous, short, Napoleon complex, keep an eye on him? Wow.

 

If I were him and posted here about this scenario from his perspective, and someone said that your GF has small breasts and that's why she wants to spend less time with you (that's about how irrational his height has anything to do with this). I would not let that person say another word to me. I would defend the person I have deep feelings for. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but you have to ask why wouldn't you defend the man you love when complete strangers are bad mouthing him?

Edited May 31, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[unevenXchange]

OP, may I ask how old are you? I'm guessing early to mid 20s.

 

I think the larger issue is you don't want a relationship right now.

 

If you did, you wouldn't be thinking about moving or needed days away from him or forgetting to tell him your weekend is booked.

 

When it comes to a relationship, it's hard to go backwards. For example, if you have been spending all your free time together, it's hard to then stop that and spend less time together. It's always going to feel like a subtle rejection, and in a way, it kind of is. I want to be in a relationship with you, but only two days a week. The rest of the time, I want to be single. People these days want it all. A family and 3 kids, but also a 6-figure career; a monogamous mate, and an single, independent life.

 

It seems your boyfriend is willing to work on things, but you don't know what you want. There's no way he can figure out what you want, if you can't.

 

I don't think you want a relationship with him. You just want to date him. Maybe eventually you would want a relationship, but not now. Your emotions haven't caught up yet and yes things probably did go too fast. In that regard, you are smart because putting your all into someone so quick, often leads to heart break later on. But...

 

One thing he is doing wrong is he is trying to accommodate you and strategize ways for you two to work out. If he posted here, my response is he need to back wayy off and not try to stop you from doing what you want. Because eventually you're going to resent him. Even now it sure sounds like you're rationalizing in your mind the eventual break up.

 

Can you imagine if he read this thread? If I found out someone was talking about my girlfriend the way people are talking about your boyfriend...he's jealous, short, Napoleon complex, keep an eye on him? Wow.

 

If I were him and posted here about this scenario from his perspective, and someone said that your GF has small breasts and that's why she wants to spend less time with you (that's about how irrational his height has anything to do with this). I would not let that person say another word to me. I would defend the person I have deep feelings for. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but you have to ask why wouldn't you defend the man you love when complete strangers are bad mouthing him?

 

Hi. I’ll assume you haven’t read all the details that I’ve posted. In my BF’s defense I have said that he’s an attractive guy to me and he is. So this is the main reason I don’t understand some of the nuances that actually do exist.

 

Not sure where you get this notion that I’m trying to breakup with him. I actually really like him and want things to LAST.... hence pacing myself and the relationship as a whole.

 

Honestly you’re probably the young one in the bunch because you assume that bein together all the time equates to everything being GREAT and long lasting. I love my BF and we both say it. Him being short is somethjng HE brings up often, not me. Again, I’d hope that if my bed saw this thread he would identify the things we’ve discussed already. Mainly the fact that I want HEALTHY space and time together vs being apart so that neither of us gets bored with each other.

 

Thanks for your input.

[grace4ever]

Thank you for sharing your concerns with us. These forums are great for sharing burdens, and venting. In terms of dating it is not wrong to do things by yourself and if you have other commitments. I encourage you that try to build your trust to each other if both of you have other commitments, errands and responsibilities that you need to take care of. I encourage you to continue doing things that you like. In time, it is normal for couples increase spending their time together. No, I don’t think that you are wrong to say those things. But have you thought about couples have to discover what does mean interdependence? Interdependence is part of being in love being committed to each other without overshadowing yourself. I hope this helps. Sending you hugs and I will keep in my prayers for you, my friend.

Edited June 2, 2019 by grace4ever

[unevenXchange]

Thank you for sharing your concerns with us. These forums are great for sharing burdens, and venting. In terms of dating it is not wrong to do things by yourself and if you have other commitments. I encourage you that try to build your trust to each other if both of you have other commitments, errands and responsibilities that you need to take care of. I encourage you to continue doing things that you like. In time, it is normal for couples increase spending their time together. No, I don’t think that you are wrong to say those things. But have you thought about couples have to discover what does mean interdependence? Interdependence is part of being in love being committed to each other without overshadowing yourself. I hope this helps. Sending you hugs and I will keep in my prayers for you, my friend.

 

Thank you.

 

I agree. Couples should definitely maintain some of their independence of one another. That’s really my main concern here. I hope to continue to grow with my bf.

 

So far we truly enjoyed every day we’ve spent together. We just spent All day Saturday and Sunday together and we still wanted to stay with each other Sunday night into this morning. Feels good I must say but this is where I either mess up or don’t do anything to progress things because I want things to remain fresh.

 

A previous poster mentioned my bf possibly being jealous or insecure at times. That’s possible and likely to some extent. Not just because of his height, but perhaps his age. He’s younger than me be a few years but I guess I look closer to his age than not. As much as I say I prefer older men, younger men approach me more than I care for sometimes. Thing is , other than my bf always noticing when men look or stare at me, he’s pretty mature, easy going and take charge. I like the way he shows concern for me and his mom. That’s what I pay attention to.

 

I was engaged to man older than me but he was jealous as well. His temper displayed like a young/immature guy. He actually acted less mature than my current BF... so this could be a whole different thread topic but I’m wondering if this age difference will be a problem or can we work around it...

 

I also wonder if he will ever EVER ... ever admit to the jealousy? Some things are clearly obvious but he won’t admit to it. For example saying he just wanted to know who I was going to the movie with... if he’d admit how he felt, I could help reaffirm that I know how to handle myself when I’m not in his presence. (I’m a grown *** woman)... that’s what I REALLY want to say ... and I may.

 

For now though I want to try making things work.

[luvflower]

I often think if that’s the answer to why most relationships last or fail. BALANCE of time spent together.

[unevenXchange]

Smh... I feel so irritated by the fact that I have allowed a relative to get under my skin ONCE AGAIN with their 2cents...about my relationship. why?!

 

So my cousin , who I consider to be a brother to me because my mom raised him and we’ve seen a lot in each other’s lives, has given his 2 cents once again in my relationship life and it’s put me on edge this evening to the point where I feel like I may need to really keep my distance from him. We’ve had many arguments in the past that stem from him merely trying to tell me or my mom or sister what to do. He’s become super self richeous over the years and uses religion to argue or try controlling the people (especially females) around him. I refuse to listen to him so I’ll speak my piece and either hang up on him or cuss him out , then hang up on him.

 

It causes my anxiety to flare up to an unhealthy place and I resent him.

 

•••> So... over the weekend he speaks with my mom casually at first then as always squeezes in a jab at me... he heard that I have been dating someone and he asked my mom if my BF was our religion. When she insinuated that he was not our same religion my cousin says... “well she’s wasting her time!”. My mom mentioned it over the phone to me and I was livid. Because he says these things to other relatives rather than to my face, like some gossiping school girl. Plus, he has never even met my BF...!!! He’s a grown @@@ man but still feels the need to always point out the negative in my RELATIONSHIPS. It’s a sensitive topic because of my background and our family dynamics and he doesn’t seem to realize how I’m affected. It triggers my emotions into a dark place sometimes and I have to be VERY intentional about ignoring /shifting the negative energy.

 

I want to address my cousin but then again I don’t want to give it any LIFE. I feel like he gets a rise out of getting me upset about stuff like this. Ignoring him seems to work best nowadays.

 

I’m typing this post because I just need to vent. Plus I was already having my thoughts about certain aspects of my relationship, now when stuff like this happens I’ll be honest I almost question myself and I hate that.

 

The last relationship I had that was more serious than the current one was with my ex-fiancé. This was a man I was going to marry... MARRY. He was my same religion but guess what... he was NOT right for me. How can people we love be so ignorant and bold with it...?!?!?! Seriously?

 

My mood has shifted . I don’t know how to express this stuff to my BF or maybe I shouldn’t tell him anything about this issue with my cousin/brother /“wannabe God”.

 

Thoughts please? Thank you

[muse08]

Wow. I guess I can see that, especially now that someone else has said it. I had suspicions but I can also be so dag on naive sometimes. Not sure why I expect guys to come right out and say when they are hyper vigilant, suspicious or jealous.

 

I remember during our first few days of meeting one another I told him that I loved his confidence. I suppose he thinks he has to uphold that characteristic and not show any weakness. I actually remember though a gesture he made when one of his friends was trying to flirt and get my attention rightnin frintbof him. It was that looking away annoyed look , then putting a little more heavy base in his voice to regain my attention.

 

His height is one thing that he may try overcompensating for sometimes. He brings it up a lot as if he has to explain how funny it is that men in his family he introduces me to, got the “tall” gene.

 

It’s not an issue for me anymore, but at first it was I’ll be honest.

 

Well it’s good you’re not a shallow person. He’s probably dealt with a few though and I’m sure it’s had some negative residual effects.

 

Just stay aware.

[muse08]

Smh... I feel so irritated by the fact that I have allowed a relative to get under my skin ONCE AGAIN with their 2cents...about my relationship. why?!

 

So my cousin , who I consider to be a brother to me because my mom raised him and we’ve seen a lot in each other’s lives, has given his 2 cents once again in my relationship life and it’s put me on edge this evening to the point where I feel like I may need to really keep my distance from him. We’ve had many arguments in the past that stem from him merely trying to tell me or my mom or sister what to do. He’s become super self richeous over the years and uses religion to argue or try controlling the people (especially females) around him. I refuse to listen to him so I’ll speak my piece and either hang up on him or cuss him out , then hang up on him.

 

It causes my anxiety to flare up to an unhealthy place and I resent him.

 

•••> So... over the weekend he speaks with my mom casually at first then as always squeezes in a jab at me... he heard that I have been dating someone and he asked my mom if my BF was our religion. When she insinuated that he was not our same religion my cousin says... “well she’s wasting her time!”. My mom mentioned it over the phone to me and I was livid. Because he says these things to other relatives rather than to my face, like some gossiping school girl. Plus, he has never even met my BF...!!! He’s a grown @@@ man but still feels the need to always point out the negative in my RELATIONSHIPS. It’s a sensitive topic because of my background and our family dynamics and he doesn’t seem to realize how I’m affected. It triggers my emotions into a dark place sometimes and I have to be VERY intentional about ignoring /shifting the negative energy.

 

I want to address my cousin but then again I don’t want to give it any LIFE. I feel like he gets a rise out of getting me upset about stuff like this. Ignoring him seems to work best nowadays.

 

I’m typing this post because I just need to vent. Plus I was already having my thoughts about certain aspects of my relationship, now when stuff like this happens I’ll be honest I almost question myself and I hate that.

 

The last relationship I had that was more serious than the current one was with my ex-fiancé. This was a man I was going to marry... MARRY. He was my same religion but guess what... he was NOT right for me. How can people we love be so ignorant and bold with it...?!?!?! Seriously?

 

My mood has shifted . I don’t know how to express this stuff to my BF or maybe I shouldn’t tell him anything about this issue with my cousin/brother /“wannabe God”.

 

Thoughts please? Thank you

 

Firstly, keep calm and realize that you already have the answers to this issue. Your relative is controlling, likely because he needs control of something else in his own life.

 

At times some relatives can do more harm than the next man/woman.

[Gaeta]

Why do you give any value to your cousin's opinion? Especially an opinion based on prejudice.

 

 

 

When you're in a strong relationship these comments shouldn't even make you rise an eyebrow. If you have doubts in your relationship yes then it will shake you and make you reconsider.

 

 

 

No matter what your cousin and family think of you dating a man outside your religion it's just that, an opinion. They cannot control or manipulate you. You're an adult and you live your life as you see fit.

[unevenXchange]

Why do you give any value to your cousin's opinion? Especially an opinion based on prejudice.

 

 

 

When you're in a strong relationship these comments shouldn't even make you rise an eyebrow. If you have doubts in your relationship yes then it will shake you and make you reconsider.

 

 

 

No matter what your cousin and family think of you dating a man outside your religion it's just that, an opinion. They cannot control or manipulate you. You're an adult and you live your life as you see fit.

 

Thanks and you’re right. I know I shouldn’t even let it phase me. I just got upset at fact that he would feel so comfortable to say it out loud to another individual at this point in our lives with even meeting my bf ... and my mom only had good things to say about my bf. This type of stuff is how I grew up ... brainwashing almost and it only makes me less inclined to “go with the flow” or “conform”. I’m for the most part happy with my bf and will not mention this to him... but my cousin on the other hand is a piece of work. Because he’s family, I know I’ll have to communicate with him at some point but it will be short and strained or I’ll end up cutting myself off from him. That’s sad considering I love his kids... smh. Life... smh...

[Gaeta]

Thanks and you’re right. I know I shouldn’t even let it phase me. I just got upset at fact that he would feel so comfortable to say it out loud to another individual at this point in our lives with even meeting my bf ... and my mom only had good things to say about my bf. This type of stuff is how I grew up ... brainwashing almost and it only makes me less inclined to “go with the flow” or “conform”. I’m for the most part happy with my bf and will not mention this to him... but my cousin on the other hand is a piece of work. Because he’s family, I know I’ll have to communicate with him at some point but it will be short and strained or I’ll end up cutting myself off from him. That’s sad considering I love his kids... smh. Life... smh...

 

 

For sure do not mention this to your bf.

 

 

 

And you don't need to cut off anyone. This type of judgement will happen here and there along your life and you learn to ignore it.

 

 

 

When I met my ex-boyfriend and introduced him to my family one of my sister-in-laws didn't like him, for no real reason. She went around and told the entire family she didn't like me dating him and had a 'feeling' he was bad news but couldn't tell why. I ignored it. My family ignored it because she was known for being judgemental. Life went on and I didn't split the family because of someone's paranoia.

[unevenXchange]

For sure do not mention this to your bf.

 

 

 

And you don't need to cut off anyone. This type of judgement will happen here and there along your life and you learn to ignore it.

 

 

 

When I met my ex-boyfriend and introduced him to my family one of my sister-in-laws didn't like him, for no real reason. She went around and told the entire family she didn't like me dating him and had a 'feeling' he was bad news but couldn't tell why. I ignored it. My family ignored it because she was known for being judgemental. Life went on and I didn't split the family because of someone's paranoia.

 

Thank you.

 

You sound VERY wise. I’m serious. I’m working on getting to that point of just ignoring. I’ve gotten better over the years.

 

Have you always been able to ignore or have you just grown stronger with time? Also, why should I not mention any of this to my BF. ...never? (I know how I can get. It may irritate me and cause me to get in a funk while with my bf one day/evening and I need to find a way to either lie or better process my emotions.)

Edited June 5, 2019 by unevenXchange

[Lotsgoingon]

I think you have to tell your bf about your family ... but your cousin's views will come up in a description or narrative about your family and their values and how you see them ... At some point both partners need to spill on their families ...

 

So your bf doesn't yet know you come from a family with a prominent member who only wants you to date within the religion you were raised in? Well he needs to know where you stand--at some point. Not where you stand on the religion but where you stand on dealing with your family. Do you want to negotiate that issue with your family--without a goal of winning them over? Do you want to give your family the finger on this issue? Do you want to pull away a bit?

 

Telling the story about your family ... should ultimately be a story about you and what you want and where you stand ...

 

You know earlier, when others suggested that you don't seem clear about what you want in this relationship? ... I get what they're saying. If you want to go to beach with bf, then say that! If you want to use bf's beach time as your along time, say that.

 

Claim exactly what you want! ... Again, bf ain't gonna be a leader on the time issue. He seems lost. So if YOU don't get clear and proclaim your goals clearly--on time and other issue--there ain't a snowball's chance in hell that you guys are gonna be able to work this out. Example: bf mentions going to the beach without you ... OK, but he doesn't want time alone right? ... So why he is proposing to go alone? Is this some kind of "retaliation"? Something makes no sense there ...

 

And then ... your reaction to boyfriend's plan also confuses me. If he is going to the beach with family, why can't you use those days to claim your alone time? Or if you want to go to the beach with him and family, why aren't you saying so?!

 

Anytime I hid what I really wanted in relationships, things rarely worked out. Step up with what you want--because bf surely ain't gonna figure it out without that. And you know, why hasn't bf yet heard your story of your life, in which alone time plays a role? You guys haven't gotten to each other's stories yet?

[Gaeta]

Thank you.

 

You sound VERY wise��. I’m serious. I’m working on getting to that point of just ignoring. I’ve gotten better over the years.

 

Have you always been able to ignore or have you just grown stronger with time? Also, why should I not mention any of this to my BF. ...never? (I know how I can get. It may irritate me and cause me to get in a funk while with my bf one day/evening and I need to find a way to either lie or better process my emotions.)

 

 

Thank you for the compliment. Noooo I wasn't always laid back toward other people's opinion, it's something I've acquired along the way. My mother has always been big on live and let live so the base was in me.

 

Question: What purpose would it serve to tell your boyfriend? Is it going to enhance his life in a positive way? or is it going to create a bigger rift?

 

If your boyfriend finds out your cousin is prejudice then what? I think your boyfriend isn't going to give a heck about your cousin and you shouldn't. Your cousin isn't the one that will walk you down the aisle and he has no power what so ever on your life and I sure he doesn't have any influence on what your parents think of you and the fact you date a man outside your religion.

 

Saturday night I had a family reunion. We were 40. 39 of us were white and 1 black man who's my boyfriend. Why would I have pointed to my boyfriend which member of my family is racist? Instead I let my boyfriend be his sweet self with everybody! I wanted him to be comfortable and wanted him to enjoy the night and not dwell on why such and such is racist.

 

Tell your cousin to butt out of your life, and you will go on and live your life the way you see fit just the way he's entitled to live his as he sees fit. End of it.

 

Protect your boyfriend, don't drag him into this drama.

 

 

.

[unevenXchange]

Thank you for the compliment. Noooo I wasn't always laid back toward other people's opinion, it's something I've acquired along the way. My mother has always been big on live and let live so the base was in me.

 

Question: What purpose would it serve to tell your boyfriend? Is it going to enhance his life in a positive way? or is it going to create a bigger rift?

 

If your boyfriend finds out your cousin is prejudice then what? I think your boyfriend isn't going to give a heck about your cousin and you shouldn't. Your cousin isn't the one that will walk you down the aisle and he has no power what so ever on your life and I sure he doesn't have any influence on what your parents think of you and the fact you date a man outside your religion.

 

Saturday night I had a family reunion. We were 40. 39 of us were white and 1 black man who's my boyfriend. Why would I have pointed to my boyfriend which member of my family is racist? Instead I let my boyfriend be his sweet self with everybody! I wanted him to be comfortable and wanted him to enjoy the night and not dwell on why such and such is racist.

 

Tell your cousin to butt out of your life, and you will go on and live your life the way you see fit just the way he's entitled to live his as he sees fit. End of it.

 

Protect your boyfriend, don't drag him into this drama.

 

 

.

Yep. Thanks a bunch for the advice! I don’t feel I should tell him either. It’s not his problem... it’s my cousin’s problem. And I’m not sure if all of what the other poster was saying is totally off base, but I do know what I want. My bf and I have been communicating more about what we want. We’ve also been clear about it being scary when you have such deep feelings for someone... which we do. We did a feat temp check a few days ago and it’s gone down a bit gladly, but the unknown still causes us both to have a little bit of anxiety/fear.

 

My bf is somewhat insecure, I see it off and on. I’m not sure if it’s because of him seeing other men who were attracted to me , like quite a bit and in real time flirting. Maybe this stuff is in the back of his mind, I don’t know. The way we met even, started with other men who were after my attention/flirting right in my now BF’s face. They were his friends and little did we know that I’d be dating my bf now.

 

I know how to assert myself but I’m just different. I assert myself as necessary and I articulate well. I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve and shout them out all the time though. I take time to process and like to do that often. I don’t like being rushed or forced to do or feel a certain way.

 

I will not tell my bf about my family member unless he finds a reason to ask. My bf has a beautiful energy about him and I’d like it to stay that way with regard to “us” and/or our family interaction.

[unevenXchange]

Thank you for the compliment. Noooo I wasn't always laid back toward other people's opinion, it's something I've acquired along the way. My mother has always been big on live and let live so the base was in me.

 

Question: What purpose would it serve to tell your boyfriend? Is it going to enhance his life in a positive way? or is it going to create a bigger rift?

 

If your boyfriend finds out your cousin is prejudice then what? I think your boyfriend isn't going to give a heck about your cousin and you shouldn't. Your cousin isn't the one that will walk you down the aisle and he has no power what so ever on your life and I sure he doesn't have any influence on what your parents think of you and the fact you date a man outside your religion.

 

Saturday night I had a family reunion. We were 40. 39 of us were white and 1 black man who's my boyfriend. Why would I have pointed to my boyfriend which member of my family is racist? Instead I let my boyfriend be his sweet self with everybody! I wanted him to be comfortable and wanted him to enjoy the night and not dwell on why such and such is racist.

 

Tell your cousin to butt out of your life, and you will go on and live your life the way you see fit just the way he's entitled to live his as he sees fit. End of it.

 

Protect your boyfriend, don't drag him into this drama.

 

 

.

And I respect you for being free and protective of your bf at the event/gathering. That’s the way things should be. Other people’s problems are just that... their problems.

[Lotsgoingon]

You can withhold that info about bf ... but then again ... if that cousin's views don't really affect you ... you would have gotten so upset and rattled by his views and his talking to other family members. That you got so rattled ... means your family's views mean a lot ...

 

At some point ... if bf is facing prejudice from your family (as in you're going to invite him to family gatherings and picnics) he needs to know that. There ain't no keeping quiet about it ... He will feel betrayed and unprepared if you don't tell him ahead of time ...

 

This isn't something you need to discuss next week, and in fact, I think you guys got more immediate stuff to deal with.

 

But prejudiced families, OMG, that happens a lot when people date across religion or race ... or economic class for that matter. Couples have to directly face that ... There is little tip-toeing around the matter if one person's family looks down upon or rejects the other's family.

[unevenXchange]

You can withhold that info about bf ... but then again ... if that cousin's views don't really affect you ... you would have gotten so upset and rattled by his views and his talking to other family members. That you got so rattled ... means your family's views mean a lot ...

 

At some point ... if bf is facing prejudice from your family (as in you're going to invite him to family gatherings and picnics) he needs to know that. There ain't no keeping quiet about it ... He will feel betrayed and unprepared if you don't tell him ahead of time ...

 

This isn't something you need to discuss next week, and in fact, I think you guys got more immediate stuff to deal with.

 

But prejudiced families, OMG, that happens a lot when people date across religion or race ... or economic class for that matter. Couples have to directly face that ... There is little tip-toeing around the matter if one person's family looks down upon or rejects the other's family.

 

Yes definitely, without a doubt. If I ever bring my bf around people who I feel may feel or act disrespectful in any way toward him I will give him a heads up. However people in my family don’t typically openly disrespect people. BF is sensitive to energies though... we both are.

 

Thanks for you advice.

[unevenXchange]

So we typically communicate pretty often throughout the week. And as I mentioned we see one another several times a week. Being as I am (aware of time spent together vs apart) I got a little sensitive this evening when we were on the phone.

 

*given, I’ve already brought up the fact that I want him to be open and honest about when we need time to ourselves, a day or so, etc.

 

When he calls, he asked what I was up to. I told him I wasn’t watching a prerecorded show on my phone. Earlier I told him that if he didn’t feel like coming back out to my place tonight, it’s ok. We’d spent each day together since Friday so I honestly didn’t want him to feel pressured.

 

So after I told him what I was doing on my phone, He says that he didn’t want to mess up my “me time”... so he could let me go (or something to that affect). I was like “ babe, it’s a video so I can just press pause and go back to it.” Then——a few minutes later he says that I should let him know if I feel like we’re spending too much time or not enough time together... I told him ok , but that his opinion matters too and I’d like to know his feelings about our time. Then he says, “I know but I want to make you happy.” I was like “hun that’s really sweet... thank you!” Still I need your input too. He says ok, I can do that...

 

***we almost had a slight argument because I felt like he was bringing this stuff up out of the blue. Seems like he sometimes uses my statements after I’ve said them to him, to get my reaction. It CATCHES ME OFF GUARD. I probably sounded defensive. So we’re still on the phone and he’s not saying anything and this happens often where he’ll call me and not say much as if he just wants to know I’m on the phone with him . We have great conversations but the awkward silences always prompt me to ask if he needs/ wants to go and he rarely says no. So my rhetorical question often is, why on earth does he want me on the phone with these long awkward silences??? So our last conversation ended by me saying we can talk tomorrow when he asked if I wanted him to call me back after he used the rest room. At that time, I was kind of irritated and wondering to myself are these conversations and silences normal?

 

~~~When things have become like this in previous relationships I end up mentally spinning ideas for why I should leave the guy or pull back to avoid arguments, rejection or more awkward silences. It’s really weird and I don’t know if my emotional response is “normal” and should I let it blow over, even though I don’t know that it’s that big a deal to “blow over”?

 

What I do know is know I wish he wouldn’t bring stuff up that mirrors what I’ve said previously.

[unevenXchange]

•I should add that we have little privacy at his place because he lives with several family members and his 11 year old who he takes to school in the morning. When he stays at my place , he gets up and rushes to take his child to school before going to work. traffic around here is crazy, but he’s been doing that a lot and I feel like he could get drained from that So we may stay at his place mainly during the weekend sometimes but mostly here at my place. Me going to him rather than him coming here to my place isn’t really the best option/ solution to avoid him having to drive over here. So by him staying at home we get our space and we get to rest without having to rise super early after being up late making out, because that happens ALWAYS when we’re together.

 

He’s made mention/hint once or twice that we need to get our “own place”. I guess I know why but he seems to hint at it in subtle ways that I seem to reflect on after we get off the phone.

[callmesally]

This may be considered a “cleaving” stage where things start to shift out of the honeymoon stage and into being more “real” and raw(emotionally).

 

Yes things can be scary at any stage , I feel. It’s up to the both of you to decide whether you’re going to let fear control you and stunt your growth. I suggest keep pushing and see how you feel through at least this first “shift”.