Healthy personal time/space

May 29, 2019

I suppose I could further clarify my question by asking if his method of communicating his desire bothers you, or if it's the mere fact that he seems quite attached.

It’s without a doubt, his method.

May 29, 2019

By all means, do not be afraid to confront and surface the differences between you two on time alone. I too would find his style to be utterly suffocating. For one, I love a partner who has a rich life and a rich social life beyond time with me.

Don't be afraid to point out the differences. This is a difference that either you'll work out or you won't. You don't overly finesse the point this early in the relationship.

May 29, 2019

Yea I only dated him for 3 weeks.

You’re much smarter than I was! Ugh, what a nightmare!

May 29, 2019

There are some really great tidbits in this thread!

I feel for you, OP. An ex-boyfriend of mine once gave me the silent treatment for a while and then we had a big argument because I said I wanted to take a night to myself. I admit I could have worded it better at the time, but what was funny about that was that I used his own words that he once used while telling ME he’d need to take some time for himself and then he got upset!

The thing with relationships is that they join the worlds of two equally complex human beings. Within those worlds are needs, wants, desires… and those often vary greatly. If you need alone time, then you need to take it. I think something like this requires a more in depth conversation so you can freely express what it is you need - is it maybe one night a week? Is it two or even three?

If he has a heads up, maybe he won’t feel the need to go to last minute parties. That did read like retaliation of sorts to me - of course, the difference in this case was that you actually went to the movie alone!

Maintaining your interests, your independence, and the things that make you YOU are so important. How else are you supposed to remain the person he was attracted to in the first place? It’s healthy! I just think it may need to be backed by a little more communication.

May 29, 2019

JMO if your wants/needs,etc vary greatly that mean you are not compatible and all the discussions in the world isn't going to fix that. Someone is going to be resentful no matter what.

I agree keeping your independence, and having a life outside the relationship keeps things fresh and balanced.

May 29, 2019

... people who don’t seem to understand the ME TIME concept, seem to be a tad bit clingy to people in general and/or just don’t need much reflection or energy rebooting.

1-I want to clarify that I don’t have a problem with spending time with my boyfriend. I love spending time with him. But his method(as another poster helped prompt me) is a big issue for me.

May 29, 2019

This should not be a debate over if personal time is healthy or not, this should be a debate over good communication in a relationship.

Nowhere I am seeing you had an open conversation about this. You make suggestions to him, you talk about leaving at different times, and you leave him in the dark as to why. You talk about 'his' method but obviously yours don't work either. If he had known you needed time alone he would not have imposed himself on you.

If you don't have a detailed and honest conversation about your need for personal time, all those hints you're dropping may well be perceived by him as 'rejection'. You're not helping him understand, and not helping him be a better partner to you.

So like I said talk about it with him, tell him what amount of time you need to yourself, set 2-3 days in a week to be by yourself, let him know so he can make different plans.

May 29, 2019

im with gaeta on this you need to communicate to him what you feel is right for you and he needs to communicate what is right for him....with good communication and compromise i feel you guys can work it out.....deb

May 29, 2019

You’re much smarter than I was! Ugh, what a nightmare!

lol I couldn't do it any longer haha, I'm glad I never fell in love w/him.

May 29, 2019

lol I couldn't do it any longer haha' date=' I'm glad I never fell in love w/him.[/quote']

Good for you. Not sure I regret having deep feelings for my guy, but I do wish for my own sake that I would LEARN ...ASAP, to put the breaks of my feelings. Sometime I’m too empathetic and it backfires sometimes.

May 30, 2019

I may be going out of town this weekend for my Dad's bday. I mentioned it to my bf a while ago(like about a month or 2 ago). At that point we hadn’t gotten to know each other as much as we do now.

I just had a conversation (in bed)with him last night asking him if he felt we should set aside a certain days/# of days in the week as individual time. He was like well, not really. We can just communicate it to each other as it comes.

I was like yeah but we haven’t been doing that well so that’s why I’m talking to you about it. I also told him that I’m not discussing this because I want LESS time with him. I said I’m asking because I want us to feel comfortable communicating when we need time or space. He got kind of quiet then mentioned that we’ve done that once before and he’s right. But I just wanted to open the dialogue for the subject for future reference.

He got quiet again and then he goes... “ok yea because I was thinking about meeting my cousins at the beach sometime this summer so...” I’m like “the beach? Ok.... without me?”

Then he’s like well I’m not even sure about it yet I’m just thinking and will keep you posted. So now I’m a bit annoyed by that, in the back of my mind I almost wish I never started this “dialogue” with him. Uugghh !

So... because I’ve had a lot going on this week I forgot to remind him that I may be going out of town(about 6 hours away) for the weekend. Should I casually tell him he’s welcomed to come or should I just use this time to give us SPACE... “healthy space”... ?

May 30, 2019

•••I also need to add the fact that I am contemplating actually moving back out of town where I’m going this weekend ... out of necessity and regarding work. He understands that I have to do what’s best for me, but he says it’s not what he wants and he’s suggested alternatives that will allow me to stay where I am, i.e. within the same city as him(20 mins away).

Needless to say, im a bit stressed and agitated right now and not sure if I should be communicating much with him now because I feel like I’m a bit on edge and am extra sensitive due to the nature of things right now.

I know I’ve just given a nice amount of info for the last 2 posts but I’d really appreciate feedback. Thanks

May 30, 2019

He got quiet again and then he goes... “ok yea because I was thinking about meeting my cousins at the beach sometime this summer so...” I’m like “the beach? Ok.... without me?”
So... because I’ve had a lot going on this week I forgot to remind him that I may be going out of town(about 6 hours away) for the weekend. Should I casually tell him he’s welcomed to come or should I just use this time to give us SPACE... “healthy space”... ?

You, first, need to figure out what you want because you're sending mixed messages.

You say, on the one hand, that you want space and when he says "ok, I'm gonna take some space..." you're all "without me?" That's not the point of taking space.

Ask him to come only if you really want him to come--is he capable of entertaining himself while you're doing what you're there to do, or can he come along?

May 30, 2019

Do I say anything else to prompt a more direct answer of what it means for us if I make a sacrifice to stay? Or should I just make a decision without discussing it with him further since it’s not like he’s proposed. We’ve discussed the fact that we are exclusive, but that’s not a proposal.

I’m so confused right now...

May 30, 2019

You, first, need to figure out what you want because you're sending mixed messages.

You say, on the one hand, that you want space and when he says "ok, I'm gonna take some space..." you're all "without me?" That's not the point of taking space.

Ask him to come only if you really want him to come--is he capable of entertaining himself while you're doing what you're there to do, or can he come along?

He can come along. It’s not a huge event ... just seeing my dad and possibly dinner.

I only brought up the space thing because an earlier issue that I mentioned in this thread. Not sure if you’ve read it but it indicates the fact that I’m not asking for space... I’m merely trying to prevent confusion around us doing things without the other.( I went somewhere alone a few weeks ago. He casually said “oh you’re going without me? I’m not invited I see” I felt like he was trying to underplay his comment but I told him I decided at last minute and that of course he’s always welcome to come, but it was last minute. Sooo, he did something similar this past weekend and I asked what he didn’t tell me. So this wasn’t a huge issue but I felt like he could’ve mentioned it earlier but his reason was...”he decided at the last minute”... I.e. which is what I told him.

So I don’t want us to start a game or competition. I genuinely like spending time to myself sometimes doing things especially if no one else is available plus I don’t want us to get tired or bored of one another...

May 30, 2019

You come across as not really knowing what you want.

You need alone time, not him, so why do you let him decide? Of COURSE he doesn't want to set alone time aside he's not the one in need of it.

Hon, I would like to set Tuesdays and Fridays as my alone time. Not that I don't want to be with you but I need time alone to recharge my batteries.

Done. He doesn't need to agree of disagree.

May 30, 2019

You come across as not really knowing what you want.

You need alone time, not him, so why do you let him decide? Of COURSE he doesn't want to set alone time aside he's not the one in need of it.

Hon, I would like to set Tuesdays and Fridays as my alone time. Not that I don't want to be with you but I need time alone to recharge my batteries.

Done. He doesn't need to agree of disagree.

So yeah, I didn’t put every conversation we’ve had in this thread. And true, I didn’t have dialogue about it prior to me going to the movie by myself for the simple fact that I know that I don’t have to let him decide. I’m used to doing things sporadically and not used to getting anyone’s permission. When we were getting to know each other I told him that I often do things by myself especially if it’s a movie/matinee when most people aren’t available to go . I just think it caught him off guard a bit.

I am however, trying to be more balanced and be considerate of him.

Your style isn’t necessarily my style. I’m already a pretty independent person and most men assume that I don’t care as much as I actually do. This happens , I feel, because my communication skills about how I feel about people needs work... I will admit. So I have no problem telling someone what I’m going to do. I do have a problem telling them why or that I love xyz with you but I need this... instead, I’ll just do it. That.... can cause issues and I know it.

Side note: Last night he said, he wasn’t bothered by me going to the movie alone because I’d told him before that, that’s something I do. He said he just wanted to know who I was going with...

May 30, 2019

He said he just wanted to know who I was going with...

OH! see THAT would bother me.

May 30, 2019

I am however, trying to be more balanced and be considerate of him.
.

That's exactly it. It's not about asking permission, it's about consideration. It's one thing to be an independent woman and do as you wish, it's different to be an independent women in a relationship. I don't report to my bf, he doesn't report to me, but we keep each other informed and possibly ahead of time because we respect each other's time.

May 30, 2019

That's exactly it. It's not about asking permission, it's about consideration. It's one thing to be an independent woman and do as you wish, it's different to be an independent women in a relationship. I don't report to my bf, he doesn't report to me, but we keep each other informed and possibly ahead of time because we respect each other's time.

Yes indeed. I like this post.

It’s not always easy though... facts! Smh

May 30, 2019

OH! see THAT would bother me.

Yeah. It did kind of strike me as a “say what?” Moment...Especially after just saying it didn’t bother him.

To further clarify your response though, can you explain why it would bother you?

May 30, 2019

Side note: Last night he said, he wasn’t bothered by me going to the movie alone because I’d told him before that, that’s something I do. He said he just wanted to know who I was going with...

Op- your dude clearly has some confidence or jealousy issues, that he’s trying so hard to hide to the point where it’s so obvious. By him questioning who you were going with, he’s feeling like you may be entertaining some other guy. Why else would he say that? THAT... would bother me as well(as the other poster stated, but perhaps that isn’t the reason they meant was bothering them).

By you being in the relationship you probably don’t see it as clearly. But please be advised, when someone has deep set confidence issues they will do weird things to make themselves appear to have no issues... even stuff like gaslight, try breaking down your confidence, etc.

Doesn’t mean he’s necessarily a bad person. It just means he’s likely developed coping mechanisms that don’t play out very nicely with regard to others around him.

Just curious and you don’t have to answer of course, but has he shared with you or are you aware of any obvious flaws of his that he may not be too proud of?

Edited May 30, 2019 by muse08

May 30, 2019

Op- your dude clearly has some confidence or jealousy issues, that he’s trying so hard to hide to the point where it’s so obvious. By him questioning who you were going with, he’s feeling like you may be entertaining some other guy. Why else would he say that? THAT... would bother me as well(as the other poster stated, but perhaps that isn’t the reason they meant was bothering them).

By you being in the relationship you probably don’t see it as clearly. But please be advised, when someone has deep set confidence issues they will do weird things to make themselves appear to have no issues... even stuff like gaslight, try breaking down your confidence, etc.

Doesn’t mean he’s necessarily a bad person. It just means he’s likely developed coping mechanisms that don’t play out very nicely with regard to others around him.

Just curious and you don’t have to answer of course, but has he shared with you or are you aware of any obvious flaws of his that he may not be too proud of?

Wow. I guess I can see that, especially now that someone else has said it. I had suspicions but I can also be so dag on naive sometimes. Not sure why I expect guys to come right out and say when they are hyper vigilant, suspicious or jealous.

I remember during our first few days of meeting one another I told him that I loved his confidence. I suppose he thinks he has to uphold that characteristic and not show any weakness. I actually remember though a gesture he made when one of his friends was trying to flirt and get my attention rightnin frintbof him. It was that looking away annoyed look , then putting a little more heavy base in his voice to regain my attention.

His height is one thing that he may try overcompensating for sometimes. He brings it up a lot as if he has to explain how funny it is that men in his family he introduces me to, got the “tall” gene.

It’s not an issue for me anymore, but at first it was I’ll be honest.

May 31, 2019

Yeah. It did kind of strike me as a “say what?” Moment...Especially after just saying it didn’t bother him.

To further clarify your response though, can you explain why it would bother you?

First you told him early that it was a habit of yours to go to early movies on your own so why does he ask eh? because he lacks trust. I would have been offended at that question, as if he thinks I don't know how to conduct myself when he's not around.

I see the guy is short. Napoleon complex you know? Some shorter men feel inferior because of their height so deep down they don't think they have what it takes to keep you around. They're jealous, controling, they check where you are, want to be with you at all time, etc.

May 31, 2019

First you told him early that it was a habit of yours to go to early movies on your own so why does he ask eh? because he lacks trust. I would have been offended at that question, as if he thinks I don't know how to conduct myself when he's not around.

I see the guy is short. Napoleon complex you know? Some shorter men feel inferior because of their height so deep down they don't think they have what it takes to keep you around. They're jealous, controling, they check where you are, want to be with you at all time, etc.

Wow...are you serious? That sounds like it could be so draining, but I believe it could happen.

I was a bit shocked at his question. However, I’ve learned to not show how shocked I am to people(men I date) right away in order to allow them to continue to show their true colors and see if it’s all bad or just a slip up, etc.

Right now some of it is somewhat cute. I do wonder how I’ll feel about it in a few weeks... months.

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