Healthy personal time/space

May 27, 2019

Hello all. I recently started dating a guy several months ago. We’ve been pretty steady and smooth for the most part. We do really enjoy our time together each time we get together and miss one another madly even if we skip one day of seeing each other.

Im the type of woman who sometimes gets a bit of anxious about things though, when me and a guy start spending “ too much” time together too quickly. So I’ll try pacing myself to regain a healthy together /apart time ratio(of that makes sense). IS THAT WRONG?

I recently went to a movie alone about a week ago because it’s something i enjoy doing and I don’t want to stop doing things I enjoy(within reason) and lose myself while still getting to know my BF. We have started to express our deep feelings for one another along the lines of love...

He called me one day and I was headed to that movie, alone. When I told him, he got quiet then gave a “ummm. Ah ha.... ok, so I’m not invited ha?(jokingly I assumed to avoid a schism). I responded telling him “baby you know you’re always welcome to come but I decided at the last minute.” So I told him the general area I was in, in case he decided to venture out.

He played it kinda cool though saying “no it’s ok. I couldn’t make it in time now. Enjoy yourself.”

He texted me while I was in the movie for barely an hour just saying “ are you I’m the movie?” I didn’t check it until the movie was over but I called him once I got out and I told him that’s what I’d do. He sounded a bit more quiet than usual on the phone but pleasant which I can appreciate. FAST FORWARD——> today he’s going to a gathering at a dudes house who I don’t know. I told him to enjoy himself and I meant it, not even sarcastically. BUT on the flip side, I did ask him why he didn’t tell me about the gathering until this evening. He said he was just reminded of it and didn’t plan to go at first. Ok... it is what it is.

But I wonder if he was bothered by me going to the movie “alone “ and so he wants to create the similar scenario to make me feel what he felt. On the other hand I’m totally fine because I needed some time to myself and we did speak this afternoon after leavin each other, saying we’d do our own thing the rest of the day. Which we’ve discussed periodically because he knows I like pacing things so that things don’t get mundane.

Again, AM I WRONG FOR TRYING TO PACE THINGS...?

May 27, 2019

This is one of those things where everyone will have their own opinion on what is right or wrong, but all that really matters is what you feel is right for you.

I wouldn't say there is any reason to 'slow' things down as I like to go all in from the start, why waste time. My girlfriend on the other hand is the opposite and likes to build a deep relationship over time, which I had to learn to accept as she's worth it.

I guess my point is you do you and if he truly loves you he will accept the pace you want things to develop.

May 27, 2019

I would never ever give up my alone time in a relationship. I would feel extremely suffocated if I saw someone every single day and couldn't go do things with my friends or by myself. You should always have an independent life and pursue interests separate from your partner. it will get really suffocating if you get into this habit and then end up staying together. You are not one person. You are two people and being together doesn't change that. The problem is going to be however you get started is how he will expect it to be forever so you better set your foot down now and take your personal space and personal time and spend time with friends and spend time with yourself and let him get used to it if you plan to stay with him.

May 27, 2019

You know yourself and you know you need alone time. You won't function without some alone time. You'll be grumpy without good alone time. You won't be the best version of yourself with him if you don't have your alone time.

This is YOU! ... There is no wrong. You and your desires are a particular flavor. He doesn't like that flavor ... that only means you need to find someone who likes your flavor of alone time.

I was an "accident" by 9 years in my family. So I had tons of time alone with my folks growing up ... Plus, my parents were older and not all in my face. So I need alone time, and love alone time. I screen for this (for finding people who are OK with this) ... and I also just take my alone time from the git-go.

So you may want to start announcing your alone time habits at the start of the relationship ... make the person face that ...

May 27, 2019

I would prefer to have alone time maybe 'arranged' ahead, instead of one saying I'm going to do this and the other one saying I'm going to do that. Why not just agree on something like 'this night we'll do stuff on our own'?

May 27, 2019

I am not sure why you felt entitled to know his schedule ahead of time when you don't grant him that courtesy.

When you headed to the movies without him with no warnings you set a precedent that this behavior was ok in your relationship, but you don't like it when he's the one behaving like this?

Simple, treat him the way you want to be treated. Let it go and from now on show him the courtesy you'd expect from him.

May 27, 2019

I am not sure why you felt entitled to know his schedule ahead of time when you don't grant him that courtesy.

This.

If you two are the type who are glued at the hip, OP, then understand that when you do things on your own without mentioning it, he should be free to do the same.

Having said that,I get the impression that you have been feeling a bit smothered lately and are struggling to communicate your need for personal space. So, when it does come out, it is tinged with frustration. I wouldn't let his going out with his buddies be a dealbreaker, but it's clear you two do need to have a conversation about how much time you spend together and how much time you each spend pursuing your own interests and social lives.

May 27, 2019

OK this is when communication comes into play....there is info, expectations and boundaries that need to be discussed. First thing is to talk about expectation. You both should go over what you expect if one is going to have other plans at least mention it as a courtesy to each other. Secondly, I think it would be important to go over "Me time" and what is me time to you and him. It's so simple. Once you get the conversation going, it will prevent future butt hurt and playing revenge games. Lastly boundaries...that covers exes, opposite sex friends, etc.

If you got something in your head about taking time out/giving space, it would be a courtesy to let him know what you are trying to do. Since you didn't, now you can see how it backfired on you.

Edited May 27, 2019 by smackie9

May 27, 2019

OK this is when communication comes into play....there is info, expectations and boundaries that need to be discussed. First thing is to talk about expectation. You both should go over what you expect if one is going to have other plans at least mention it as a courtesy to each other. Secondly, I think it would be important to go over "Me time" and what is me time to you and him. It's so simple. Once you get the conversation going, it will prevent future butt hurt and playing revenge games. Lastly boundaries...that covers exes, opposite sex friends, etc.
If you got something in your head about taking time out/giving space, it would be a courtesy to let him know what you are trying to do. Since you didn't, now you can see how it backfired on you.

Totally this! ... I somehow missed you being not asked to the gathering. So you gotta discuss your own need for alone time ... up front ... clearly, precisely ... because what happened is that he went somewhere alone without you and you took to be different from alone time.

So you might need to think this out and make clear to him that for certain gatherings, you'll always ask him along ... but that alone time is time literally by yourself. The problem, it seems, is that you are hiding your alone time. You need to schedule it up front with him!

May 27, 2019

Its very important - I was absolutely suffocated by a girl I dated 2 years ago. She'd come over every day and then as soon as she'd leave the phone would ring. I had no time at all to myself and she had no clue and thought I "got bored of her" or found her "annoying" or whatever else she's think up, but never once realized she was around too much and was a grade A cling bomb.

The girl I dated after her was the exact opposite, I'd see her once a week maybe and sometimes go a couple weeks without seeing her, which was too much vacancy the other way. I'd love one that's just right in the middle!!!

May 27, 2019

You are absolutely right to try to pace things.

He just responded badly to learning you were going to the movies by yourself. He has probably never been to a movie alone so he was trying to balance his social fear of going to a movie alone against knowing you to be a truthful person but he was having trouble reconciling the two because he'd never go to a movie alone.

Maybe he wanted a reaction out of you about his decision to attend a different social event without you. Don't take the bait. However do keep an eye on things -- him socializing with others while excluding you from meeting his friends is different from you seeing a movie alone.

May 27, 2019

It really is.

I think a lot of people would never go to a movie alone. Or eat out alone. I go out to eat at nice restaurants alone and sit at the bar and read a book. I think a lot of people would never do that and think it’s exceedingly weird. Or might even think you are cheating. (Although to be fair, when I’ve had a partner, I wasn’t THAT likely to go out to eat at a nice place by myself unless I was travelling. (But I go to movies alone all the time). But when I’m single...I’m not going to deprive myself of a delicious meal just because I don’t have somebody to share it with.) But yeah, ...anyway..., alone time is important to many people. And then others seem to hardly need it at all, and have a hard time understanding the people who do need it. And in the beginning of a relationship it can be a bit difficult to navigate those issues.

Edited May 27, 2019 by Veronica73

May 28, 2019

This is one of those things where everyone will have their own opinion on what is right or wrong, but all that really matters is what you feel is right for you.

Bingo! Every relationship is different. There are no set rules other then both people being comfortable with the arrangement. I enjoy doing everything w/my partner because I want to share everything. When he is busy (errands/work etc), I let him take care of his things. He does the same for me.

What is not acceptable is not letting the person breathe. I dated a guy like that and I literally couldn't do anything on my own w/out having to have 24/7 contact w/him. Turns out I didn't like him to begin w/, but no matter how much time I spent w/him, he was upset. I would spend 9 hours w/him and he would get upset that I wanted the evening to myself.

Also its extremely hypocritical for him to get upset w/you, but he goes out to a party w/out you.

May 28, 2019

What is not acceptable is not letting the person breathe. I dated a guy like that and I literally couldn't do anything on my own w/out having to have 24/7 contact w/him. ....but no matter how much time I spent w/him, he was upset. I would spend 9 hours w/him and he would get upset that I wanted the evening to myself.

OMG! I was with somebody like that-it was horrible! I’d ask for a night to myself, and I’d end up spending the entire night on the phone reassuring him that I still liked him and I wasn’t cheating on him. It was absolutely exhausting.

Yeah, this is important. But at the beginning of the relationship, it might take some sensitive navigating. But in my opinion, if they can’t live with your need for some alone time...time to dump. I hope you can figure it out. Like somebody else said, maybe warn him ahead of time that you want to spend the evening on your own or something. So it doesn’t come as a surprise.

May 28, 2019

Some people just can't wrap their head around "me time" and why one would want that, especially when the relationship is new...once you are married tho you really cherish "me time" lol

I had this very conversation about "me time"with a jealous girl. Just told her how I enjoyed it when my husband works out of town for a few days, and having the house to myself. She took a stab at me and said "Well I like being with my BF". She just totally didn't get it. I had conversations with her BF, and he admitted he was just so smothered, and wish he could have his "me time". Hey I tried to get the message across lol.

May 28, 2019

Some people just can't wrap their head around "me time" and why one would want that, especially when the relationship is new...once you are married tho you really cherish "me time" lol

Yep. You did try... lol.

I don’t want to judge those people who don’t get it. I just think everybody is different.

However, people who don’t seem to understand the ME TIME concept, seem to be a tad bit clingy to people in general and/or just don’t need much reflection or energy rebooting.

For me, I’m very sensitive to things and people’s energies. And when I give of my time and own energy, I REALLY give... sometimes to the point of feeling really emotionally drained. As a really “grown” woman, I’m still developing the skill of setting boundaries and communication about needing time for myself. It’s not always easy.

I know how much my BF likes me and vice versa which is maybe why it was hard initially to just say “I need some time to myself today.”

I think he’s trying to adjust to it. But had I not done it first, I feel like I would really be smothered.

May 28, 2019

I think we’re gradually getting in the groove of things regarding “individual time”, which to me does translate as going to a function alone or with friends. I sometimes just want to be with a few friends independently. We still each other a lot though but giving each other a day or 2 is comfortable to me and I tried communicating that a few days ago to let him know that I always enjoy being in his presence. Even while he was out at the function I mentioned in this thread starter, he was texting me the whole time. So it barely felt like he wanted to even be there. It was almost funny.

Even when we miss a day or two (or not), I miss him more or just the same when we see each other again... picking up where we left off.

Yesterday we went to a cookout together. At first I suggested being open to driving separately because I thought he wanted to get there waaay earlier than me to help prepare the area with a few of his buddies. He kinda sorta agreed but still saying we could ride together. He ended up being at my place almost until to the last minute, seemingly fixing something in my apartment. It seemed almost as a ploy to be able to say, “we should just ride together now”.

Guess what... that’s exactly what he said.... It was cool but he ended up throwing his own self behind because he spent so much time “fixing “ something in my place that could’ve waited until some other time.... really.

May 28, 2019

No, it's best to pace things and take them slow. Time spent together will always require time apart, because you're going to need your own independence no matter how good the relationship is. If anything, it's a very good thing you're pacing yourself, as rushing it could possibly end in disaster.

May 28, 2019

Yesterday we went to a cookout together. At first I suggested being open to driving separately because I thought he wanted to get there waaay earlier than me to help prepare the area with a few of his buddies. He kinda sorta agreed but still saying we could ride together. He ended up being at my place almost until to the last minute, seemingly fixing something in my apartment. It seemed almost as a ploy to be able to say, “we should just ride together now”.

Guess what... that’s exactly what he said.... It was cool but he ended up throwing his own self behind because he spent so much time “fixing “ something in my place that could’ve waited until some other time.... really.

Are you okay with this? Or do you find it irritating?

May 28, 2019

Are you okay with this? Or do you find it irritating?

Well... good question.

While I hadn’t really asked myself that, I do find it “interesting”. And for now, I’m ok with it. I guess there’s a possibility of it becoming an issue at some point if he does this persistently RATHER THAN just saying what he wants or prefers.

I’m interested in your thoughts and perspective being as though you’re on the outside looking in...?

Thanks

May 28, 2019

When I was dating, I never dated on Sunday night. That was ALWAYS devoted to 'me time'. I often just ended up doing laundry and watching tv, but it was always quiet and just me. Any girl I dated knew we weren't going out Sunday night.

Come to think of it, I still pretty much do that and I live with my girlfriend (though I'm not rude to her, we still talk, etc - I just don't focus on her on Sunday nights and stay in). Sunday nights are mine and always have been. I can't wait till next Sunday.

I think it is very important to reserve some time to yourself - movie alone, books, internet surfing, whatever. Never let anyone take that from you. It is NOT selfish.

May 28, 2019

I guess there’s a possibility of it becoming an issue at some point if he does this persistently RATHER THAN just saying what he wants or prefers.

To me, is pretty clear through his actions that he wants and prefers to spend a lot of time with you. He isn't verbalizing it, at least on this occasion of staying at your apartment until you both wound up going to the event together anyway, but it seems quite obvious he's someone who likes a very high level of "couple time." I suppose I could further clarify my question by asking if his method of communicating his desire bothers you, or if it's the mere fact that he seems quite attached.

I would personally feel suffocated by a significant other's constant presence, but I can't speak for you. If you feel it's too much, don't be hesitant to assert a boundary. Nothing wrong with giving him a heads-up that you're going to take a day or night for yourself, either. It can be done with grace, and a plan to meet up the following day, for example. If he is uneasy about spending any time apart, then you have a more significant issue to address.

May 28, 2019

Be practical.

My daughter is someone that needs a fair amount of alone time. Her bf is big on togetherness. She negotiated 3 nights a week for herself. That way he always knows ahead and makes other plans. It works well for them.

May 28, 2019

OMG! I was with somebody like that-it was horrible! I’d ask for a night to myself, and I’d end up spending the entire night on the phone reassuring him that I still liked him and I wasn’t cheating on him. It was absolutely exhausting.

Yeah, this is important. But at the beginning of the relationship, it might take some sensitive navigating. But in my opinion, if they can’t live with your need for some alone time...time to dump. I hope you can figure it out. Like somebody else said, maybe warn him ahead of time that you want to spend the evening on your own or something. So it doesn’t come as a surprise.

Yea I only dated him for 3 weeks. Every time we hung out, it turned into me reassuring that I wasn't flirting w/other guys. I literally had nightmares about being trapped w/him. Honestly I wanted to be single so bad after struggling to find someone to date.

People need to know boundaries. During my semester, my partner gave me weekends so I could study. He never interrogated me or accused me of cheating.

May 28, 2019

i feel alone time is important for a relationship to breathe, to give a chance for the other person to miss you and you miss them and for people not to feel suffocated in togetherness but actually enjoy time spent together....i feel just because you are with someone you should not feel like a captive spirit 24 7 ...i am one who needs to feel free and whole..i really enjoy alone time where i can write or read a book or just recharge and zone out....

no one owns anyone...if you are together with a person its because you want to be together....not indebted or captured or a need to be with that person...but an enjoyment and appreciation of the time you spend together with someone you truly care to be with....some people need that sense of freedom more than others.....and i do need a healthy amount of alone time to recharge....i dont think alone time is a bad thing in a relationship or out of one..........deb

Edited May 29, 2019 by todreaminblue

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