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4 months after the breakup, he finally changed his FB status to "single"

Optimystic

By Optimystic
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Optimystic Member

Optimystic

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My ex-boyfriend broke up with me in January, yet kept his status on FB as still "In a relationship" which was with me for months. I thought it was weird, yet he barely got on there since his computer broke when we were dating.. so I figured he just didn't get around to it.. but it did bother me. (I took my status off much sooner.. but left it blank)

 

I noticed today that he not only changed his status, but it now says "Single" and the weird thing is that it really hit me... I guess it's made it official that things are really done. For some reason it's also bothering me and giving me these mixed feelings. Obviously I'm not completely over it yet.

 

Has anyone else dealt with this and knows where I'm coming from?

 

I feel like I shouldn't be feeling bad about this, but it hurts. Even though it's been 4 months, it feels like he's moving on.. (I'm trying to as well.. but I go back and forth) and I know it's probably for the best. But it seems soon to me.

Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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The question is: Why are you checking him out on Fakebook?

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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I've been through it.

 

It could be because he wasn't ready to publicly reveal his relationship was over until now. No matter what it is, we, including yourself can only assume and speculate at best.

 

I can confidently tell you, you'll make it worse for yourself by keeping him on facebook or any social media for that matter. You're going to see updates of him living his life. Photos, videos. Some of which may be of people you don't know, particularly women. In any case, every single update is going trigger your anxiety, make you brain generate false ideas about what's going on in his life, make you generate questions, make you dwell and ALL of it is going to hurt you. This will prolong your ability to move passed the break up. Because of that, I strongly advise you to block him off of everything. At the very least, unfriend him.

 

If this was the pre-internet or pre-social media era, you wouldn't have had access to his post-breakup life anyway. The only way to know what an ex would have been up to was through mutual friends or to directly meet with them. When things, ended, it ended. But now, social media can allow exes to continue to see things they shouldn't be. You should, in your mind, adopt the pre-internet method.

 

At the end of the day, you two are done. It can no longer be your business to know what he's up to.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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Beendaredonedat Established Member

Beendaredonedat

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, it feels like he's moving on.. (I'm trying to as well.. but I go back and forth) . [/b]

If you really want to "try" then stop creeping his social media, go zero contact (in mind and deed) and that will scoot you along much faster to that blissful stage of indifference to him.

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Optimystic Member

Optimystic

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I strongly advise you to block him off of everything. At the very least, unfriend him.

 

I've unfollowed him on FB, but I can't bring myself to 'unfriend' him. Maybe because one day we might be able to be friends. I know I need to stop checking his page though.. this discovery has prompted me to do that.

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Optimystic Member

Optimystic

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If you really want to "try" then stop creeping his social media, go zero contact (in mind and deed) and that will scoot you along much faster to that blissful stage of indifference to him.

 

I've definitely initiated no contact.. when he reached out to me two months ago I asked him to not communicate with me for a while.. and I haven't talked to him since.

 

I think what I'm going through (and yes, occasionally doing) is natural.. and was just looking for some empathy/sympathy to help out.

 

It's a process. But you are right, I do need to stop checking on him altogether. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who's missed someone and wondered what they were up to.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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I've unfollowed him on FB, but I can't bring myself to 'unfriend' him. Maybe because one day we might be able to be friends. I know I need to stop checking his page though.. this discovery has prompted me to do that.

 

Ah, yes..the old friendship deal after a break up.

 

For a friendship to be possible down the road, both you and him have to learn how to live without eachother. You'll have to both find your smile on your own and discover that you can love someone else. Only after you're able to get to this point, are you genuinely able to face eachother and consider a friendship..and that's only if either of you are willing to still let the other into your life. When you do get to that point, you may not even care to all that much. So, all in all, you two won't be friends for a long time, not genuinely anyway.

 

And in this friendship you may think you have with him, you'll always have to watch what you say and do in fear of leading eachother on and that will affect the way you are around eachother. You won't be able to hang out together like friends do..because of that fear of leading eachother on or creating a situation where something might happen. Neither of you will be yourselves. That causes stress. Frustration.

 

Nothing will expose all this better than the day one of you find someone new. That's what breaking up ultimately means. He will meet someone new. Someone whom he will fall in love with and invest in a future with. You will be the past. An ex. He's not going to risk losing his future for his past. Do you think at this point, his new woman is going to be okay with him continuing to talk with his ex? She will perceive you as a threat. She's going to ask him to distance from you and he'll do it and you will find yourself having no place in his life. You certainly won't be one of the guys and you're not his girlfriend.

You will find yourself fitting in nowhere, and completely pushed out.

 

I was a guy who advocated friendship with exes in my 20's. I learned the hard way.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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I've been divorced since 2010 and just changed my status from nothing/not viewable to divorced less than a year ago. Some people do not use social media to advertise their personal business, believe it or not.

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Optimystic Member

Optimystic

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Ah, yes..the old friendship deal after a break up.

 

For a friendship to be possible down the road, both you and him have to learn how to live without eachother. You'll have to both find your smile on your own and discover that you can love someone else. Only after you're able to get to this point, are you genuinely able to face eachother and consider a friendship..and that's only if either of you are willing to still let the other into your life. When you do get to that point, you may not even care to all that much. So, all in all, you two won't be friends for a long time, not genuinely anyway.

 

And in this friendship you may think you have with him, you'll always have to watch what you say and do in fear of leading eachother on and that will affect the way you are around eachother. You won't be able to hang out together like friends do..because of that fear of leading eachother on or creating a situation where something might happen. Neither of you will be yourselves. That causes stress. Frustration.

 

Nothing will expose all this better than the day one of you find someone new. That's what breaking up ultimately means. He will meet someone new. Someone whom he will fall in love with and invest in a future with. You will be the past. An ex. He's not going to risk losing his future for his past. Do you think at this point, his new woman is going to be okay with him continuing to talk with his ex? She will perceive you as a threat. She's going to ask him to distance from you and he'll do it and you will find yourself having no place in his life. You certainly won't be one of the guys and you're not his girlfriend.

You will find yourself fitting in nowhere, and completely pushed out.

 

I was a guy who advocated friendship with exes in my 20's. I learned the hard way.

 

- Beach

 

Well.. he was the one who said that we were "friends forever" but we view friendship differently, he's way more casual about it which makes me think that either his feelings weren't as deep as mine (most likely) and/or he just knows how to compartmentalize better than I do. I don't know if we'll really ever be able to be friends also because he did hurt me (emotionally) and then gaslighted me about it, denied the truth, and I don't know if I can forgive him for that.. unless he sincerely apologized. I don't really see that happening either. So I don't know why I'm holding onto the idea that maybe one day we might get past that. I guess when you've had someone in your life for 1 1/2 years and cared about them, it's hard to think you'll never be in each other's lives again.

 

Regarding your comment about a future person in his life not being comfortable with him being in touch with someone from his past or an ex-- I was that person to him when he kept in touch and actually flirted with a college female friend of his who he used to have a crush on (but never dated). He refused to cut her out of his life even though his relationship with her, however 'casual' bothered me. The farthest he went was ignoring her comments on his photos.. but anyway, I don't see him fully cutting anyone out of his life completely. He was odd like that.. never deleted old phone numbers or anything.

 

He sent me a superficial "Happy St. Patrick's Day, hope your holiday went well!" text in March, acting like we were old chums.. and I couldn't engage like that because it didn't seem genuine. That was only two months after we broke up. For the first month after we broke up it was silence between us, then he sent me a picture of something related to an inside joke, which I ignored. Maybe he was bored, maybe he missed me. I don't know- it felt like a pick at the scab, though. So I think he was pushing for a casual friendship and I couldn't do it.. because it felt like he just bounced back so quick as if we didn't have a real experience as lovers/significant others. Anyway.. I just wanted to provide more back story.

 

I am clearly confused about how I feel regarding him and still have anger/hurt.. but can't fully let go yet. Work in progress.

Edited by Optimystic
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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This is probably going to be somewhat of a blessing in disguise, OP.

 

As you acknowledge, you've still been holding out hope for a reconciliation somewhere in the back of your mind. Him not changing his relationship status fed that hope, even though he had already decided to move on when he ended it. Now, you are sure that he has. It is going to better in the long run that you no longer have any doubts as to where his mind is at, as it will help you to really move on too.

 

It hurts, in any case. This will be your trigger to really not go looking at his social media anymore. Take care.

where do i begin Member

where do i begin

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I've definitely initiated no contact.. when he reached out to me two months ago I asked him to not communicate with me for a while.. and I haven't talked to him since.

 

I think what I'm going through (and yes, occasionally doing) is natural.. and was just looking for some empathy/sympathy to help out.

 

It's a process. But you are right, I do need to stop checking on him altogether. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who's missed someone and wondered what they were up to.

 

Yes we all have done this. I am in my 40’s and I do this. Not that age is a reason not to check up, but I think social media is more of a younger age group. We all have done it and if not in social media we have asked mutual friends for an update. Don’t beat yourself up. I am now in the midst of this exact situation, so I deleted all social media apps because I know I couldn’t handle seeing his whereabouts and his updates, especially with another girl. Good luck to you. We can chat and maybe work through this together. Shoot me a message if you would like ❤️

Mrin Established Member

Mrin

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He probably needed a single setting on FB for an online dating app

Inspire Established Member

Inspire

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Why did it bother you that he didn't change his status before, but now that he has—that also bothers you? I am confused. Why did he break up with you?

 

I know his text message probably hurt. You had probably wanted and maybe even expected him to say more, but you two are broken up and you can't place unrealistic expectations on what he might not say.

 

Give yourself more time. I can think of times when I looked at an ex's photo after we broke up and how it triggered my emotions. Today, I could look at those same photos and have no reaction to it. Time heals all wounds.

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Optimystic Member

Optimystic

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He probably needed a single setting on FB for an online dating app

 

I kind of doubt that since he hated online dating.. doesn't like giving personal info, which you do for dating apps, right?

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Optimystic Member

Optimystic

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Why did it bother you that he didn't change his status before, but now that he has—that also bothers you? I am confused. Why did he break up with you?

 

I know his text message probably hurt. You had probably wanted and maybe even expected him to say more, but you two are broken up and you can't place unrealistic expectations on what he might not say.

 

Give yourself more time. I can think of times when I looked at an ex's photo after we broke up and how it triggered my emotions. Today, I could look at those same photos and have no reaction to it. Time heals all wounds.

 

It bothered me that he didn't change his status from in a relationship with me because I wanted what I learned would also make me feel weird- for his acknowledgement of his choice. Then he DID that, and I was surprised at my reaction to it. I think it was just initial shock because I feel more indifferent to it now. It's good that it's nice and clear.

 

Sure, I'd hoped for more than a casual text. He said he needed time (I guess a month) so maybe it took a month to get over things.. then he sent the casual text. But an inside joke text is weird and inappropriate because it's too close to home. He sent that first.

 

In a nutshell, he broke up with me because we just aren't compatible in fundamental ways.. I think it boils down to that. He kind of gave me false hope and planted ideas in my head for long term..which was confusing, and I don't understand why people do that.. very up down, hot and cold, I love you, and then I don't know if I'm right for you, blah blah blah.. so and endless loop basically- no real progression.

But I wasn't fully happy with him to be honest. He didn't meet a lot of my needs, and I probably didn't meet a lot of his either. But we had something between us despite that.. but it wasn't strong enough to hold us together. I almost broke up with him months before. I always had one foot out the door too, I guess. But I think we cared about it each other, showed it in certain ways.. which made it hard to let go and end it sooner.

 

Some relationships are complicated, I guess. But when they're too much work they're not worth it- especially when one person is carrying the load. I just want to believe that what we had was real- even though it became toxic later on. It's kind of sad how that happens.. both people cause damage to each other, and it can't be repaired, plus incompatibly on top of it.. lost cause. I fought way too hard because some of us are like that- we want to power through and see the light and good side of things, let that carry it. But it can't...

 

Sorry I'm rambling.

Edited by Optimystic
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Optimystic Member

Optimystic

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This is probably going to be somewhat of a blessing in disguise, OP.

 

As you acknowledge, you've still been holding out hope for a reconciliation somewhere in the back of your mind. Him not changing his relationship status fed that hope, even though he had already decided to move on when he ended it. Now, you are sure that he has. It is going to better in the long run that you no longer have any doubts as to where his mind is at, as it will help you to really move on too.

 

It hurts, in any case. This will be your trigger to really not go looking at his social media anymore. Take care.

 

Yes, you make good points. I'm at a true point of acceptance now-- which is good for me. Time to really heal and move forward. Thank you. <3

Inspire Established Member

Inspire

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I just think you're over-reading into that text. it's likely whatever he sent was going to trigger a lot of emotions. It might also help to look at what were the contributing factors that lead to some of the hot and cold. We often ignore our own actions in retrospect.

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