What should I tell him?

[lurker74]

The reason I'm giving this guy who lives so far away a chance is because, unlike so many other guys I've talked to or dated, he actually asks me for my opinions on many things, and about how I feel. He is always asking me about myself, and listens.

 

I just have to say thank you to all the men out there. You have lowered the bar to the point where I can easily step over it. Here's a woman that is so enamored with a man that has basic conversational skills that she's willing to date him long distance on an unmet basis and have him in her home overnight on their first meet. I honestly am thankful to all the conversationally inept, self-centered, jerks out there. It makes things much easier for me.

 

And OP, yeah, it's not a great idea to have him in your home. Sure, you'll most likely be OK but most likely is a pretty thin margin, all things considered. And as for what to tell him, tell him the truth. It's easier to remember anyway.

[BC1980]

Something about this guy has my spidey senses up. He's being really persistent with the calling and texting. Kind of possessive almost. I don't think you should let him stay at your house. Especially in your bed while you're on the couch. This just sounds all kinds of bad. Meeting someone for the first time with a weekend sleep over probably isn't the best idea.

[preraph]

He could find plenty of women to date in his own area if he wasn't a clingy control freak. Imagine if he's like that now, what he's like once he thinks he owns you.

[Redhead14]

I am always a little suspicious about guys who are willing and want to find girls that are fairly far from where they live. Very often they do this because they are married and/or have girlfriends in their own area and won't want to risk being seen with someone else. I don't care how much time you've spent chatting with this guy or what he's told you, you don't know squat about him at all PERIOD. I don't know if the OP is naive or desperate or both. It's just plain dumb to take him at his word. In addition, it doesn't matter one iota that the OP has a brother who is a cop. Unless he's hiding out in another room while that guy is there, the OP is not safe and things could go wrong very quickly -- way before she could call and get help.

 

In addition, guys who are on the road a lot, often have a girl in every port. I wouldn't let this guy dock in your port, OP . . .

Edited May 29, 2019 by Redhead14

[elaine567]

It is madness to allow a man from out of state you met online, into your home.

You have NO idea who this guy really is.

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-36444185 - first date murder

 

Langdell had met Ms Locke, from Buckhurst Hill in Essex, on an online dating site a couple of weeks before they met up for their first date.

 

He told her he had his own law firm but in reality he had spent the previous two years suffering increasingly severe bouts of mental illness.

Ms Locke was unaware of his history when she agreed to meet him, said Ann Evans, prosecuting.

After his arrest, Langdell described himself to a psychiatrist as a "monster".

[Cinnamon_Girl]

I discussed it with my sister.

 

Tonight, I will ask him to text me a pic of his driver's license and car license plate, so I can forward them to my brother and sister.

If he doesn't readily agree, I will cancel our meet-up.

 

I will also have him meet me at a restaurant before driving to my house. If I get any kind of bad feeling at the restaurant, I will end things there.

 

He originally had asked me to meet him half-way between where he lives in California, and where I live in AZ. I balked at that. So, that's when he offered to drive all the way out to see me.

 

Because he was willing to do that, I offered to let him stay at my house. Say what you want, but honestly, it did not occur to me at the time that this could be dangerous.

 

We've been talking almost daily, sometimes two calls a day, plus lots of texting, for about three months. I feel like I know him somewhat. That's probably why danger never occured to me.

 

I wonder who among those who have replied to this thread, have ever gone home with a stranger from a bar, or had a one-night-stand with a stranger?

 

Those are things I've never done.

[Redhead14]

I wonder who among those who have replied to this thread, have ever gone home with a stranger from a bar, or had a one-night-stand with a stranger? Those are things I've never done.

 

I've never gone home with a stranger for any reason. In fact, on the couple of online first and second dates I went on, I never allowed them to pick me up at my home nor did I allow them to walk me to my car. I met them wherever we were going in my own car and I made sure that they pulled out before I did. I did not want them following me home.

 

You seem to not be in tune with the news and/or heard/read about the dangers of the internet and meeting people off the internet. Aside from that, common sense should have prevailed.

 

Your new plan is at least a little better. But be very careful with this. I don't trust a man who is so desperate for a woman as to drive hundreds of miles. And, the flipside of this is that he isn't being very smart either. He could just as easily be robbed or something. Men get set up by online "dates" too.

[alphamale]

He could just as easily be robbed or something. Men get set up by online "dates" too.

 

there was a case her in Detroit last year where a 25 yr old female met a rich older man (in his 60s I think) at a nice hotel. She took him up to her room where 2 males were hiding in the bathroom. They beat him senseless and took off with a few thousand $ in cash and his Rolex watch.

 

Happens all the time and usually goes unreported because the men don't want to be involved with the police.

[Redhead14]

Yep, Alphamale. It's very common. It's just a really bad idea to be alone with strangers from the internet the first, even second time you meet them. You don't know "who" is behind that keyboard.

 

The OP needs to pay careful attention. If he is over the top with everything and love bombing, etc., she needs to back off. These guys who will travel a distance are usually all about an instant relationship. They often act entitled because they drove that distance. The women who fall for the love bombing find themselves in something they didn't bargain for.

[d0nnivain]

You are going from one extreme to the other. When he gets a request from you for a photo copy of his DL, he's going to think that you want to steal his identity. He's not going to give you those copies & he's going to think you are odd, at best for asking.

 

There is a middle ground. You need to find it.

 

Personally I would have taken him up on his offer to meet half way. That way he wouldn't know my exact address either.

 

Once he agreed to come all the way to you -- which is a chivalrous gesture -- I understand the impulse to offer him a place to stay -- you are kind & generous person -- but you gotta back out of that offer. Tell him you talked to your brother, the cop, & upon further reflection for safety reasons you would prefer he stay in a nearby hotel. Give him some addresses / contact #s for local places. Then you offer to pay for dinner because his costs just skyrocketed. Understand when he bails on the whole thing.

 

To answer your Q, in college I wasn't as afraid of danger as I am now, but college is a very insular place, although bad things especially date rape do happen. My escapades were also 30 years ago. It's new scary world these days. As an adult, especially with OLD, I need a whole date in to give out my last name. People got my work address & most were out of my life without ever learning my home address. I needed a minimum of 3 dates to give out that. I was really very paranoid about the whole safety issue.

Edited May 30, 2019 by d0nnivain

[gaius]

I think you're doing just fine in your decision making Cinnamon. Meeting someone in person for the first time always involves a tiny amount of risk no matter how you do it, but after having interacted with him on a regular basis for months you've probably got a better feel for him than most people do when they find themselves alone with someone for the first time.

 

If you have any dates with other guys scheduled for the day he arrives cancel them though. I know it's your right since your not exclusive but give the guy 24 hours at least.

[mortensorchid]

I don't think you need to tell him anything, you don't know this person at all. Just say you were out with a friend and it came up suddenly. You don't know if the date you had would go anywhere, and you don't owe the out of state guy anything.

 

Personally I wonder how and why people date others out of their home state. I suppose if you love in a very remote area with no people around (ex. North Dakoka) for miles you would travel quite a distance for anything either personal or practical. You tend to fantasize a lot when you are in LDRs, or maybe they are trying to pull some kind of catfish scam on you.

[Cinnamon_Girl]

The reasons I balked at driving to meet him halfway are threefold:

 

1. I have an eye disorder and am legally blind in one eye, which makes it very difficult for me to drive in unfamiliar areas, and especially at night.

Before I get lectured for that, I am allowed to drive legally.

 

2. I felt it would be safer to meet a stranger in the town where I live, have family, and have a connection to the local police, than meeting someone in an unfamiliar area, hundreds of miles from home.

 

3. I just started a new, very exhausting job, just switched from day shift to night shift, long hours. and am frankly too tired for a road trip right now.

 

 

I just spoke to him, and he does not want to sent pics of driver's license and car plate before coming out- he said he has safety concerns, too- catfishing and identity theft.

 

He suggested we meet at a public place, and he will let me get that info then.

 

I'm thinking a popular and busy restaurant near my house. If things don't go well, we can part ways at the restaurant.

Sounds reasonable to me.

 

Your thoughts?

Edited May 30, 2019 by Cinnamon_Girl

[d0nnivain]

You have valid reasons for not driving to him. Meeting in a public place first is a great idea!

 

I always want to see a DL early on. I used to play this game where I'd start a conversation about how awful people generally look in their DL photos. As part of the conversation, I'd ask to see his photo & offer up mine. The DL was always handed over so I could look. Of course I would take note of the address & DOB. A girl can't be too careful.

[JuneL]

I think it’s a bit much to ask for his driver’s license. Perhaps you can get his biz card instead? I was on OLD for 3 brief weeks a few years ago, and the few men I chatted with online offered to give me their linkedin profiles with their full name and work history almost right away.

[lurker74]

Any time I go out with a new woman, I give he my license plate number and my last name. I expect her to share that information with someone. I don't wait for her to ask.

 

Having said that, there's no way you're getting a picture of my driver's license.

[alphamale]

1. I have an eye disorder and am legally blind in one eye, which makes it very difficult for me to drive in unfamiliar areas, and especially at night.

Before I get lectured for that, I am allowed to drive legally.

 

funny you mentioned this....my brother is an eye surgeon and I asked him recently if people with one eye are allowed to drive. he said that they are as long as they can pass the driver's license test. apparently people can adjust to having lost an eye.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with whoever said that you are going from one extreme to another!! Jesus. Sorry it's just common sense. You have valid reasons for not driving to meet him halfway. If he can't pay for a relatively inexpensive hotel room in your city, how in the world are you guys going to date from long distance??

 

Ok, since it's been covered how dangerous it is, i'm going to go with the obvious and very likely thing: let's say he is not a serial killer, just plain and simple, it's too much togetherness and too much of a pressure cooker to be in a forced overnight situation with a total stranger dating. I would add that you sound somewhat conservative (no judgement) so that would seemingly up the awkward factor.

 

To ask for his Drivers license is like an interrogation IMO--way to kill the normal romantic vibes.

 

So let's say you want this relationship to last and have a good feeling it might work out, the best thing for accomplishing that is to leave a little distance and space at the beginning--same as the best thing for your safety.

 

*IMO, a guy who is getting an overnight is almost going to feel like a hookup is ABSOLUTELY going to happen; it doesn't matter what you've said, he will think you didn't really mean it. Not bashing guys but you really are not being smart all the way around. Surely you cannot be so much in need of a date with this guy that you wouldn't set parameters that are best for you, him & the potential of the relationship having some success?? Just saying

 

Edited to add: the way he handled not being able to get ahold of you would give me less confidence that this is a good or reasonable idea. It's too possessive. RED FLAG

[some_username1]

Eeeh I think people are afraid of their own shadow these days. I’ve been on many a first date, stayed round women’s houses, they’ve stayed round mine and there was never any sort of dance to determine someone’s identity. It just comes down to having a basic grasp of social cues so you can suss out where the other person is on the craziness/sociopathic scale. Maybe it’s a generational thing in fact as younger women in particular seem to have the least regard for their own safety when online dating.

 

But yeah common sense and not taking any unnecessary risks should be perfectly adequate without needing all this ID and Facebook research. Case in point was when I was on holiday and got talking to a girl on Tinder - she wanted me to visit her town nearby so we could go on a date. I told her that I needed to get an early coach back and she insisted that I plan on staying the night round hers. Immediately my spider senses went off as typically women do not insist that men they have never met stay the night with them. I told my friends and they thought I was a grade A wimp for blocking and deleting her

 

Common sense and congruency is key.

[Cinnamon_Girl]

He doesn't know my address or my last name, and I don't know his, either, yet.

 

He has agreed to let me take a pic of his license and plate at the public place where we will meet.

 

Yes, I am generally conservative when it comes to men and dating. I've been criticized for that numerous times on the now-closed POF forums.

 

I have had dates with several- more than six, men so far this year, so I am not desperate to meet a man.

I date quite often, but am not meeting anyone with whom I feel a real connection, and I do feel that with this man, and he feels it with me.

 

He wants to retire in my state, in a town that is about 200 miles away from me. He is sixty, so he's five years from retirement.

Talked to him this morning, and he is going to stop by that town on his way here to check out his employer's location there. He said if he is too tired after doing that, he will drive here to meet me tomorrow morning, instead of tonight.

I like that scenario better- a morning meeting in a public place, with the whole day ahead- rather than an evening meeting then straight to my house to go to sleep.

[Versacehottie]

And what if you guys don't have attraction toward one another? Where will he spend the night then?

 

Idk, i think sometimes i have trouble getting through to people who only think from a practical viewpoint--like you have (or think you have all the answers for that) but it's not like you are placing an order on amazon. He's a potential boyfriend, to me, you've got to manage that more organically. It's not a checklist and you want to create and/or he does the right situation in which it would be ideal and helpful for attraction. IMO, this ain't it.

 

Best of luck though. & at least get back on here to let us know you are ok.

[Cinnamon_Girl]

Well, he arrived Thursday night, and left about a half hour ago.

I didn't like him as much in person as I thought I would, but I still liked him, and we did have mutual attraction.

Everything went well.

[stillafool]

Did you have sex with him?