Cinnamon_Girl Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 I have been talking on the phone a lot to a guy who lives out-of-state. We met online, and I initially did not want anything to do with him because of the distance. He was very persistent, and I relented, and we've hit it off. He's traveling to my state at the end of the month so that we can meet. He said he would call me last night. He did, but I was on a date with another guy, so I did not answer. He left two voicemails, and texted several times. He said "I know you have to be getting my messages, you're not ghosting on me or getting cold feet about meeting, are you?" No, I'm not, but I'm not going to answer calls and texts when I'm on a date with someone else. I have not met the out-of-state guy in real life yet, and I am free to date other people, and he is as well. He's going to ask me why I didn't respond to him, but I don't want to tell him I was on a date, but I don't want to lie, either. What should I tell him?
TooBad Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 I think he has a right to know. But that's just me. I'm not into girls who date or show an interest in more than one person at a time. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 When he initially said he was going to call you last night, knowing you had a date, you should have told him last night -- a Saturday night -- was not good for you. I have to wonder if he picked Saturday night to call you because he wanted to make sure you were home twiddling your thumbs waiting around for him. Just text this morning, "sorry I got busy last night". The suggest a time when you are free to call him back . . . "would it be OK if I called you at 3?" If he says yes you call him back at the time you picked. If he presses you for where you were, what you were doing, you just say "out." Anybody with half a brain will know you were on a date. If he gets his nose bent out of shape, cancel the meeting & lose his phone #. It's ridiculous for him to assume you are exclusive simply because you were talking & planning a meet. 5
Redhead14 Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 (edited) I think he has a right to know. But that's just me. I'm not into girls who date or show an interest in more than one person at a time. Wait, what? This guy doesn't have a right to know squat. They have never met and didn't even have a concrete date to do that yet. And, the calling two times and multiple texts and then the questioning is b*ll****. That is whiney, needy, clingy, desperate, IMO. Scared your "ghosting" him when you've never even met -- LOFL. He's like a fisherman who finally got a nibble and then panics to set the hook because he's afraid it will get away. OP, what you really should have done was told him that you wouldn't be able to take a call from him last night and ask him to call you the next day or tell him you would call him. You don't have to explain yourself to him at all. I would next him. The questioning wouldn't play well with me. If you still want to try him out, just say "sorry I missed you calls and texts. How was your day yesterday" PERIOD. Explain nothing. Edited May 26, 2019 by Redhead14 6
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 You simply respond after your date “my apologies hun I had plans”. You can do this at anytime your not by your phone or are busy and any suitor contacts you. After you workout, work, sleep, shower, eat, watch your show....it doesn’t matter. After your done doing whatever your doing you respond to their texts or call them back and you politely say “sorry I missed your call I wasn’t by my phone or sorry I missed your call I was busy or sorry I missed your call I had plans”. And if there reaction to you not picking up when they want or response to your apologies is negative and they say things like “your always busy” “why you don’t pick up phone”...then give them a heads up. “Forgive me hun I’m not always by my phone or sometimes I’m doing other things but if I miss your call or text trust me I will call or text you back as soon as I’m free (kissy face emoji if texting).” If they become pissy after that I would ignore. Good luck. 1
gaius Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 Isn't the end of the month like less than a week away? I guess I would tell him that you went out with another guy, but that it was a really dumb mistake and you were thinking about him the entire time. Yeah, you're free to date other guys but if this one is traveling a long way to see you you can probably return the favor a little and take one week off from other guys. Or just don't bother with this one at all. 1
alphamale Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 say you were out with a friend but this out of state guy sounds like a control freak, you may want too steer clear 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 "I know you have to be getting my messages, you're not ghosting on me or getting cold feet about meeting, are you?" Are you kidding me? You have an absolute, total and complete right to go out ... without telling him anything! ... A confident socially smooth guy would have called, left ONE message and waited for you to return the call and been happy that you called back the next day. Just think: you could have been visiting your mom or at a weekend work function of some sort ... or with your girl friends ... All totally your right and you are not accountable to him ... because you guys haven't even met in person yet. And you have the right to go out on a date with someone--just as you have the right to cancel his visit. So don't make it about the date. You don't want to explain yourself to him for any reason at this point! You need to take a stand right now. "I was out ... and I am sorry you wanted to reach me, but I have a life. And I don't interrupt my life to take social phone calls that aren't emergencies. I really did not appreciate the multiple calls and the multiple texts. If that's a problem, then this isn't going to work." Honestly, dump this guy ... major major control-freak, insecurity red flag. And ... now you know something else! His life is so empty that he has energy to multiple-call and text you ... You want to be with someone who has his own fun life going on. Cancel the meeting or go into meeting with some serious artillery and armor, ready to push back as he tries to intrude and push you around. 3
Redhead14 Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 I think she should ghost him Geezus. Ghosting . . . LOLLFLLLFLLLLLLLFLLLL. Ghosting is when you've been with someone for 10 years and they go out for cigarettes and you never hear from them again. God almighty, people are such friggin candy asses. Having meltdowns because you don't hear from or can't reach someone you've never met PALEEEEEZE. I can't stop laughing. 2
Versacehottie Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 I think you don't "need" to tell him anything. His behavior is a great example of why i'm always saying not to let your anxiety control things. What a joke of a statement/question by him. So OP was probably still interested just not available to speak at that moment and now is not interested. That's how it goes typically. So I think you can do what you feel like doing OP. If you feel like he deserves some status of where your interest is at the moment tell him. He sounds wayyyy too controlling and needy IMO though so tread carefully. I think it might just be a can of worms to get into any discussion with him, kind of doubt he will let it go easily. So IMO, no response is equally/or better thing to do. Deep down people who do this sh*t know they are crossing a boundary, they just can't help themselves and it's their version of persistent. Deep down they know they are potentially going to blow it with this behavior but somehow can't learn the lesson--due in part to people who feel they need to be nice or do the "right thing" in response to his messages. You don't, btw. If you do decide to talk to him, saying you were BUSY last night is totally sufficient! I guess the only thing I would ask of you is did you make plans to talk to him last night? If you did and then weren't available when he called, this is the kind of stuff that makes crazy people, even crazier--and that if you want to play fair that you shouldn't do. Good luck
JuneL Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 At first glance, I also thought this guy is a stage-5 clinger. But then you had an “appointment” to chat on the phone, it’s only polite to give him a heads up if you’re not available to chat anymore. That was like a no show, albeit to a smaller extent. 2
Foxhall Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 Like everything else in life the right balance is important, lesson for guys from this- Show interest but do not get too needy or overbearing lesson for guys and girls- do not worry about telling a white lie- hey you hardly know this chap- fob him off and keep him at a distance. if that is not acceptable for him well your better off not meeting.
Flame Aura Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Completely agree this guy seems a bit too much, but.... Was it really that hard just to reply to his message? Even just 'sorry can't talk right now ended up going out with a few friends, will give you a call tomorrow'. Would have taken 30 seconds max..
bachdude Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I guess I see it a bit differently from a number of posters. He told you he would call and it sounds like he expected you to be free. No? What did you say when he said he would call? Nothing? Did you say OK? See, if it were me, and I was about to take a woman on a date *out of state* with all the time commitment and cash involved, I wouldn't want her flaking on an agreed upon 'phone date' to be out with another guy. She can date all she wants but not when we agreed to talk. If she did this, I'd cancel the trip. So OP, please more info...did you agree to his call? 1
Author Cinnamon_Girl Posted May 27, 2019 Author Posted May 27, 2019 He said "I'll call you tomorrow" and I said "Ok." No time was set up. He actually called the first time before I went on the date, but I was doing major house cleaning, listening to music, and didn't hear the phone. I am not one of those people who is real attached to the phone, either. Sometimes I don't see texts or calls for a day or so. Since I have never actually met the out-of-state guy (he's in Calif., I'm in AZ) in person, and we have never had an "exclusivity" talk, I am free to see anyone, and so is he. I just got off of the phone with him, and he didn't ask about where I was or who I was with last night, so I didn't have to say anything, thank goodness. He's an attractive guy, and has his act together. I'm sure he can find plenty of women to date in his local area. And if he is, that's fine, I just don't want to know about it. I don't understand the opinion of some that I should not be seeing other people while talking to this guy- I mean we have not met in-person yet, and it can't be considered a relationship until we at least meet, and spend some time together. He is going to be staying with me, while he's here. He'll stay in the bedroom, and I'll sleep on the couch (I prefer sleeping on the couch, anyway. I have a bad back, and it's more comfortable than the bed for me). We have discussed it, and he says he will respect my boundaries, and not push anything sexual. He is also aware that my protective brother is the Asst. Chief of Police of a major U.S. city. He used to be a high official in the local police dept., and our family is here. So, that being said, I feel pretty safe in having a relative stranger stay at my house. The reason I'm giving this guy who lives so far away a chance is because, unlike so many other guys I've talked to or dated, he actually asks me for my opinions on many things, and about how I feel. He is always asking me about myself, and listens. Most other guys I've known just talk about themselves constantly, and talk over me. They never ask what I think. This guy is different. He's really into me, and our phone conversations have been great. We have chemistry, even over the phone. He's intelligent, funny, interesting, good looking, employed, a home-owner, etc. He says he wants to find the last love of his life, and that's my goal, as well. Thanks for all the advice, and I'll update after next weekend. 1
TooBad Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Wait, what? This guy doesn't have a right to know squat. They have never met and didn't even have a concrete date to do that yet. And, the calling two times and multiple texts and then the questioning is b*ll****. blablabla. Apparently there is an agreement to meet at the end of the month. The guy is travelling out of state for her. I think that warrants some commitment or at least some effort. He said he would call. She didn't say she couldn't apparently. So yes, then I would like to know what's up. Perhaps not in a way this guy did, but still... I guess we're both reading something different into this. To you it's questioning. To me it's just a remark. Not a smart one, but we're not all perfect all the time. 1
Highndry Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 You've never even met the guy and yet he's going to be sleeping in your house? I mean, WOW, for a number of reasons. 1
Author Cinnamon_Girl Posted May 27, 2019 Author Posted May 27, 2019 You've never even met the guy and yet he's going to be sleeping in your house? I mean, WOW, for a number of reasons. As I said- We have discussed it, and he says he will respect my boundaries, and not push anything sexual. He is also aware that my protective brother is the Asst. Chief of Police of a major U.S. city. He used to be a high official in the local police dept., and our family is here. So, that being said, I feel pretty safe in having a relative stranger stay at my house.
vanhalenfan Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I guess I see it a bit differently from a number of posters. He told you he would call and it sounds like he expected you to be free. No? What did you say when he said he would call? Nothing? Did you say OK? See, if it were me, and I was about to take a woman on a date *out of state* with all the time commitment and cash involved, I wouldn't want her flaking on an agreed upon 'phone date' to be out with another guy. She can date all she wants but not when we agreed to talk. If she did this, I'd cancel the trip. So OP, please more info...did you agree to his call? Agreed. If you had an appointed time for a call, you should have been available. I see it differently as you being disrespectful especially when he is due to make a trip out of state to visit you... As long as this phone call was expected. You shouldn't be out on a date with someone else when you knew he'd be calling. You should have rescheduled. 2
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 29, 2019 Posted May 29, 2019 At first glance, I also thought this guy is a stage-5 clinger. But then you had an “appointment” to chat on the phone, it’s only polite to give him a heads up if you’re not available to chat anymore. That was like a no show, albeit to a smaller extent. Def agree here! I met a guy online and he flaked on me more then once for skype calling. I was none too happy. You said you would be available, let him know you are not, don't waste his time. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 29, 2019 Posted May 29, 2019 As I said- We have discussed it, and he says he will respect my boundaries, and not push anything sexual. He is also aware that my protective brother is the Asst. Chief of Police of a major U.S. city. He used to be a high official in the local police dept., and our family is here. So, that being said, I feel pretty safe in having a relative stranger stay at my house. No offense but then you are a fool. I don't care what he says to you, this guy will push for sex once under your roof. You will be lucky if you get away with just pressure. You have no way of knowing that this guy won't try to rape you in your own home. Seriously this man has already proved to be hot headed & unstable based upon his over the top reaction to you not taking his phone call. Now you are going to let him in your house? Bad, bad plan. If he figures out that you didn't answer because you were on a date how to you know he won't beat you to a pulp. If he wrongly concludes that you are a tease, what is to stop him from "punishing" you or otherwise claiming you asked for it? Unless your brother is staying there too, his job won't save you. At best it will encourage local law enforcement to pursue your attacker after the fact. If you don't believe me, ask your brother if he thinks it's a good idea for you to let this man stay based on the guy's promises that he will "respect your boundaries." Remember, because you are letting this man stay, he thinks you let every guy stay. Rethink your decisions to prevent a potential tragedy. 4
Redhead14 Posted May 29, 2019 Posted May 29, 2019 Never, ever invite a stranger into your home or allow yourself to be alone anywhere with a stranger. You don't know this guy PERIOD. It's a matter of safety. Bad move OP. 2
stillafool Posted May 29, 2019 Posted May 29, 2019 I don't understand OP why you didn't insist he get a hotel room or why he wasn't gentlemen enough to offer to rent a hotel room. I would not want him staying in my house on the first meeting. 2
2much4 Posted May 29, 2019 Posted May 29, 2019 It is quite stupid to let a stranger stay at your place, so what if your brother is a chief officer? I don't see why this should scare him off. Regarding the phone call: I don't get why everybody is calling this guy insecure and needy. If I was visiting someone I never met out of state, with no other place to stay and they'd be ignoring my calls for a whole day I'd be a bit worried they changed their mind too. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 29, 2019 Posted May 29, 2019 Regarding the phone call: I don't get why everybody is calling this guy insecure and needy. If I was visiting someone I never met out of state, with no other place to stay and they'd be ignoring my calls for a whole day I'd be a bit worried they changed their mind too. I get your point but to blow up somebody's phone on a Saturday night. . . .pretty egotistical to think the person is sitting around twiddling their thumbs. If we had a plan to talk & they didn't answer, I'd assume I was getting blown off. I wouldn't send needy messages. I'd write the person off. No harm. No foul. I never met them. If they called the next day or later, I'd assume low interest. If I was only coming to where they were to see them, I wouldn't waste the time or money. If I was coming for other reasons & meeting them was an added bonus, I'd still go about my business but assume they would flake again once I got there & have contingencies in place.
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