CloudyHead Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 Been with BF over 2 years. BF has worked for me in my business for almost one year. My mom suddenly unexpectedly passed away about 5 weeks ago. Mom's passing devastated me, my sister and my dad. I have missed days from work due to my mom's passing. I have two teenagers who this past week have been in end of the year school performances and award ceremonies. My dad has been with me the past week and we've had an event to attend every night. BF lives 35 minutes away. BF has been sick and has not worked since May 13. I've continued to pay him for missed time even though these past 2 weeks out adds to a total of 6 weeks he's not worked due to illnesses. Although I have spoken to and texted BF every day, I have not visited him. I've been trying to catch up at work and attending g school events plus spending time with my dad and handling issues stemming from my mom's passing. Today, I get a text from BF stating that I don't care about him because I didn't see him today, that I didn't take him to any of his doctor's appointments and didn't see him over the past 2 weeks. I am extremely angry over BF's criticism of me. I've have too much on my plate right now. I have absolutely no time to deal with a BF who is more concerned about me not seeing him than me running my business and paying him every week he's not worked and dealing with a significant loss in my life. Am I overreacting?
FMW Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 No, you're not overreacting. You have a lot on your plate and he's just adding to it instead of being supportive.
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 I am sorry about your mother's passing. I can see both sides of this. You do have a lot on your plate but he's sick & was hoping for TLC from his GF. If your mom hadn't died, I'm sure you would have made the effort to be there for him. Unfortunately, when we are sick we tend to only see the world from our own perspectives. Send him a get well card & maybe some Uber Eats chicken soup, or other grocery delivery. Then try to let some of this roll off your back.
kendahke Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 (edited) Two thoughts came to mind when I read your post: The best defense is a good offense. The guilty make the most noise. He's projecting. Question is: why? You've lost your mother very recently. I am so sorry for your loss. (I lost my mom in January and it's a good day if I can make it home without having fallen apart all day long). He can't be ignorant to the complete devastation of that. No. You are not overreacting and you do have too much on your plate. He's being not only childish, but his work performance is bordering on the unsatisfactory. Is he continually under doctor's care or is he milking your generosity? 6 weeks is waaaaaaay generous by any company's standards. Be careful that not only with this selfish display he's now presenting that he isn't taking advantage of you professionally by leveraging his relationship with you. Edited May 26, 2019 by kendahke 1
The Outlaw Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 No, but we've all got our problems but he needs to be a little more receptive and understanding with what's going on with you right now. It's almost too much to take in and he needs to understand that and be there for you, even though he is sick.
h0000 Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 Talk to him, maybe he just didnt realise how stressful you are. And you will probably be surprised how stressed him is too.
bachdude Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 (edited) Very sorry to hear about your Mom, OP. Seeing that your Mom passed away suddenly just 5 weeks ago, I don't see how you could be expected to be available for your boyfriend the last two weeks. On the other hand, your BF's illness sounds a bit serious - missing 6 weeks worth of work, doctor's appointments, and the like. Anyway, you are only one person and you can't be everything to everybody, and on top of it you have your own grieving too. Edited May 26, 2019 by bachdude
TooBad Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 Let's be serious here. If you can't make an hour of your time free to see your BF, it's time to rethink your priorities... and relationship. The fact that your mom died and you have a business don't count for me, sorry. If anything, I would think you would actually like to see him and have at least an arm around you.
Lotsgoingon Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 Just make sure you're not mad at him for paying him during what ... six weeks of illness? The fact that you mentioned paying him ... suggests this is relevant to what's going on between you. My guess: you're ticked that he hasn't profusely thanked you for paying him. Not telling you anything you don't know ... it's hard to have a romantic partner as an employee ... Partnering as equals can work ... with a lot of work ... But having your partner as an employee--really difficult. So easy to entangle him as employee (sick right now) vs. him as bf. Have you been sending him quick texts asking about how he is and sending him TLC? You can take two minutes a day to check on him ... even if you're super busy ... Paying him is not a way to give TLC! That tender care has to be separate from paying him. (I sense you think paying him is enough.) On the other hand, unless he's deathly ill or in a coma, he should be calling you and giving you lots of love in the aftermath of your mom's death. Literally you both, no matter how busy, can find 5 minutes/10 minutes ... a day to connect with each other. You both HAVE to do this.
smackie9 Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 IMO you are not obligated to take care of his needs....you are not living together, he's an adult, he should be able to figure out how to take care of himself. He's being a big baby and needs to suck it up. I agree he needs to have more empathy to your situation. I know what it's like to lose a parent...it turns your world upside down, and it takes everything to hold yourself together. You are going above and beyond for everyone. You need to have a talk with him, make a compromise to sort this out. If it can't be done, then maybe it would be more wise to take a break from each other, including his paycheck. 1
FMW Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 Assuming that your threads over the past year have been about this same boyfriend, he just seems like a very selfish person. This just might be the straw that breaks the camel's back for you. He's not going to change and your resentment is likely to just keep building. Taking a break from him as a boyfriend might be a good idea for a bit to give you time to deal with your grief and think about whether you want to continue the relationship. 1
Els Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 What was his illness exactly? Are we talking the common cold or something genuinely life-threatening? If the former, I'd consider his actions a potential dealbreaker. If he can't see past a sniffle to understand that YOUR MOM DIED, he's not long-term material. In fact, I'd be angry that he hasn't given YOU any support. If it was a serious illness, I'd be more understanding towards his unhappiness, but I'd also let him know that your mum's death has affected you equally severely.
Els Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 Have you been sending him quick texts asking about how he is and sending him TLC? You can take two minutes a day to check on him ... even if you're super busy ... Paying him is not a way to give TLC! That tender care has to be separate from paying him. (I sense you think paying him is enough.) The OP explicitly stated that she texts and calls him on a daily basis...
JuneL Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 (edited) I agree that hiring your boyfriend to work for you is never a good idea. Did you not have a formal employment contract specifying his sick leave terms? What if god forbid he gets into a serious accident that prevents him from working for a couple of years, are you going to keep paying him? Edited May 26, 2019 by JuneL
Author CloudyHead Posted May 26, 2019 Author Posted May 26, 2019 Let me clarify - he has missed 6 weeks of work over 6 months. It's been in 2 week intervals every other month. He had the flu once. Then a bad sinus infection. This last time was constant nosebleeds that led to him having a procedure to stop the bleeding. Outpatient procedure that took one hour. The nosebleed issue happened two years ago and I did take him to two doctors appointments two years ago. I could not take him to appointments this time. According to BF, we text and talk each day anyway so texting and talking while he is sick doesn't count. This is all about me not going to see him.
smackie9 Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 Well maybe this isn't a good time for you to be in a relationship. Nothing wrong with admitting that you know. S%^$ happens because life happens and some things are just out of our control. If you can't fulfill your obligation as his GF, then you don't really have any other option.....maybe leave it up to him.
Els Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 Well maybe this isn't a good time for you to be in a relationship. Nothing wrong with admitting that you know. S%^$ happens because life happens and some things are just out of our control. If you can't fulfill your obligation as his GF, then you don't really have any other option.....maybe leave it up to him. That's like saying he didn't "fulfill his obligation as her BF" because he didn't go to see HER for 2 weeks due to being sick... Life happens. Nobody is capable of being 100% for 730 consecutive days, unless they're extremely lucky.
Lotsgoingon Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 OK, missing 6 weeks of work over 6 months--that's almost worse ... So he's not seriously ill with some major condition ... and yet he misses that much work. That's a lot of "sick leave." What's up with that!? My guess: you're mad at him for missing so much work ... probably because it means you have to do more work! ... and because ... well .. you think he's a shirker. And since you're having to do more work at the job ... it's hard to turn around and give him the care he wants ... when he isn't even all that ill. Look, when my ex had cancer, I took her to appointments. Actually sometimes I met her at the appointments ... I'm not sure you have a duty to take him to every appointment. Once I dropped a glass and the glass fractured and I cut my hand really bad, I called up my ex and had her drive me to the ER. But I didn't expect her to take me to all my appointments. Is he a kid or something? Now I'm speculating here and going between the lines ... but I sense you don't visit him because ... you don't think he's all that sick ... and it's taking all of your patience and love to keep paying him and not fire him. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 I haven't read all the responses but i'm i the only one who thinks SIX weeks away from work is excessive?!??!? Idk, do you feel like he is taking advantage of you both now and in the light of this, coloring what you think he has been doing overall? And now has the nerve with everything going on for you, to be needy and complain that you aren't giving him attention? So i don't think you are overreacting OP but i also think the way things have been going is dysfunctional or you guys would be much more unified during this difficult time. I think you probably have a lot of figure out with him (when you can come up for air). So sorry about your mom. Good luck 3
smackie9 Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 That's like saying he didn't "fulfill his obligation as her BF" because he didn't go to see HER for 2 weeks due to being sick... Life happens. Nobody is capable of being 100% for 730 consecutive days, unless they're extremely lucky. You don't understand my point....I'm empathic to her situation. She's got so much to focus on, and deal with physically and emotionally, that it doesn't leave much room for a relationship. Then you have a BF making her feel guilty...like S#$%. She doesn't need that put on her either. 1
bachdude Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Let me clarify - he has missed 6 weeks of work over 6 months. It's been in 2 week intervals every other month. He had the flu once. Then a bad sinus infection. This last time was constant nosebleeds that led to him having a procedure to stop the bleeding. Outpatient procedure that took one hour. The nosebleed issue happened two years ago and I did take him to two doctors appointments two years ago. I could not take him to appointments this time. According to BF, we text and talk each day anyway so texting and talking while he is sick doesn't count. This is all about me not going to see him. Two weeks for a sinus infection?? Nose bleeds?? I had nosebleeds when I was a teenager and when I had the procedure I was back on my feet in a day (it hurt, true). And he takes two weeks of pay from you during this? AND these infirmaries are to take priority after your Mom passed away?? Seriously?? Oh my gosh. He sounds like a leaker to me. Whinny too. And a bit of a freeloader on top of it. I give it another month and the party for him will be over. I bet this is the last straw for her. 4
Flame Aura Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 There's a few things here that seem wrong. Firstly does he have a proper employment contract with you stating all the sick pay terms etc? Boyfriend or not, when it comes to work he should be treated like any other employee, no special favours. Secondly is he physically unable to visit you? 35 mins away is nothing. If he is in bed all day every day unable to go anywhere then I understand his point, you should have visited. If on the other hand he is more than able to physically visit you then he is very much in the wrong and should be supporting you when you need him most, sick or not sick. 2
kendahke Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 (edited) The fact that your mom died and you have a business don't count for me, sorry. I What a barbaric and selfish thing to say! Perhaps she loves her mother and is devastated by her loss, that happened very recently. Does anyone here understand what it feels like to lose a parent? Does anyone here understand the STAGES OF GRIEF? It seems by the comments, no. You just don't walk this off after 2 days. My God! Edited May 27, 2019 by kendahke 1
Els Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Two weeks for a sinus infection?? Nose bleeds?? I had nosebleeds when I was a teenager and when I had the procedure I was back on my feet in a day (it hurt, true). And he takes two weeks of pay from you during this? AND these infirmaries are to take priority after your Mom passed away?? Seriously?? Oh my gosh. He sounds like a leaker to me. Whinny too. And a bit of a freeloader on top of it. I give it another month and the party for him will be over. I bet this is the last straw for her. Wow, I missed this. So the dude is complaining that SHE didn't visit HIM because he had the effing flu, when her mother died???? I think the OP can do better than this manchild. A lot better. 4
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