Author Johnson1 Posted May 27, 2019 Author Posted May 27, 2019 Don't walk, RUN. I may just do that. Still on the fence. I may decide to just use 'her'.
bachdude Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I thought about doing that, but it'll only make me look jealous and she knows it.. Not a minute goes by that I contemplate throwing in the towel. She's been friends with this guy since they were kids. I can deal with the memory of her dead hubby. She can't cheat with that. It's the bff guy that will always be around. She said they've always been there to help each other through thick and thin. Supposedly her hubby that died and the bff were good friends and she was roommates with the bff after his death. She says they only had sex twice the year they lived together, but decided it wouldn't work and they should just stay friends. I don't believe that crap for a minute. You don't live with someone for a whole year and only have sex twice unless there was something wrong that one of them did. She wants me to meet him, but I'm not going to. As far as I'm concerned there should only be one man in her life to take care of her. She said she wouldn't care if I had an ex-girlfriend as a BFF, but that's a load of crap too. Her and I talked about it this morning. She knows how I feel about it. I'm just not going to get too caught up. I'll see where it goes and bide my time until someone else comes along depending on how she is. I can easily snoop her cell. That's the glue that's holding it together. She left it out overnight and doesn't lock it. Either she really has nothing to hide about what I'd see or she's using reverse psychology keeping it out unlocked overnight to call my bluff and me think by doing so that she's innocent. She's either very smart or very dumb to underestimate me. Let's just face the facts squarely - this guy has been in her life a long time, he was good friends with her husband, AND he probably helped her deal with her loss. That's a tight bond, bro. She ain't giving him up. They come as a pair. You want her, it's a package deal. You, on the other hand, feel really uncomfortable with your SO being super tight with her ex and you don't like the idea of being around another guy who slept with her. Look, your feelings are not unusual at all. This forum is filled with people who just don't like their SOs being in touch with their exs let alone very close with them. You have every right to feel this way. But back to facing the facts...Given the above, one of you is going to have to give in, and I bet it won't be her. Seriously. That's why she is super defensive about him.. P.S. Don't use her...just say adios.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I may just do that. Still on the fence. I may decide to just use 'her'. Why would you do this? It's immature. You don't want to sink to snooping through her phone (which is good) but you may decide to "just use her"? Do you feel the latter is somehow better than the former? That makes zero sense. If you're not into it, just walk away. No need to be a child about it. 1
Gaeta Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I may just do that. Still on the fence. I may decide to just use 'her'. Because you're a 'user'? You're into *using* people that have not worked through their past and losses? Nice. That says a lot about your character and level of maturity.
kendahke Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 The thing is she has this way of convincing me don't fall for the con... Taking it slow with you does not mean her ex gets to take up residency in her intimacy where you're supposed to be. Be the bigger man and just let her go--and don't stoop to the pansy-ass beta move of "using her"--that's just an unforced error on your part and it's really low-based. Says a lot about what kind of male you really are.
Author Johnson1 Posted May 27, 2019 Author Posted May 27, 2019 (edited) Because you're a 'user'? You're into *using* people that have not worked through their past and losses? Nice. That says a lot about your character and level of maturity. WRONG! I've never cheated in my entire life and that's the honest to God's truth! if I was a cheater what she does wouldn't bother me. Correct? it's frustration talking BECAUSE I don't do that. I care about someone too much right off the bat to be that way. I have a heart. That's why I don't like this situation with her throwing her ex up in my face and her staying friends with him for so long. I wouldn't cheat, but I think she needs the kind of level of uncertainty that she's giving to me. It has to work both ways. It's that uncertainty that actually attracts people. I read up about it. That's what makes people keep coming back. Personally, I don't think she would cheat. I don't see her as a cheater. What does bother me is the fact that she keeps him as a shoulder to cry on about relationships. Another fact I believe the reason why women keep guys as best friends is so they can get the male input on their current relationship and vice-versa. She said she wouldn't care if I had an ex who was a best friend, but last week she asked me if I would talk with anybody about our relationship, but she knows damn well that she's going to talk about our relationship to him because he talks about his relationship to her. When she told me they were best friends since they were kids, the next day I'd mention that I know a drummer and his wife who were best friends since they were kids and now they're married. I know precisely what she's doing. She wants to take it slow and see if I'm accepting of the relationship with her ex and her emotional attachment to her dead husband. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though it's burned me many times in the past. Edited May 27, 2019 by Vocals5
Author Johnson1 Posted May 27, 2019 Author Posted May 27, 2019 The bottom line is this there's always a reason why people don't pursue a relationship after sex. The question is who was the first one who said, let's just be friends and why. You can't know the truth without specifics. She said it's because they didn't want to ruin the friendship, but yet she refers to it as the longest relationship she had after the death of her husband. It doesn't make sense.
Author Johnson1 Posted May 28, 2019 Author Posted May 28, 2019 I've decided to break it off. I'm not going to let another bad experience turn me into someone I don't want to be. Thank you all for your input.
Marc878 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 Good call you can't compete with a deadman or an X. I wouldn't even bother. I play the odds. 1
Highndry Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 Good move. There is absolutely no way in Hades that I'd date a woman who insisted upon being friends with ANY man who she had slept with in the past. NOPE. I am absolutely, positively NOT open to that. In fact, I don't like women who have male friends. They're almost always orbiters who are hoping to get a foot in the door. There are so many women out there who have male friends and say "oh, we're just friends, he doesn't like me that way" or whatever. Bullsheet. If they were to call those men up and say "I'm really horny, could you help me out?" almost every single one of those guys would be beating down their door. Many of these women know this but they try to act like they don't. It's nonsense.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 From experience, I learned any involvement w/the ex doesn't end well for the new person. Unless she has kids/pets/property w/him, she shouldn't be contacting him. Tell her to end it or you leave, simple.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 WRONG! I've never cheated in my entire life and that's the honest to God's truth! if I was a cheater what she does wouldn't bother me. Correct? it's frustration talking BECAUSE I don't do that. I care about someone too much right off the bat to be that way. I have a heart. Where did Gaeta say you are a cheater? You talked about "using" her. That is what Gaeta commented on. Nowhere did she say you cheat on people. Where did you get that from?
snowcones Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 I never get involved with anyone who says they have a bff of the opposite gender. As soon as I hear that I quietly ghost them.
lurker74 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 You're being used. That's OK if you know it but the likelihood of a successful relationship is very small. She's using you to feel attractive and engaged because she sometimes doesn't feel that way anymore, having lost her husband and boyfriend. She holds on to both of them because it's a reminder of her attractiveness and to let go is to take a leap of faith that someone else can make her feel that way. But then she does not realize that holding on just prevents her from finding the next person because she never makes the move. So she uses you. She gets emotional and intellectual stimulation from you. She holds off on sex to remain in control. She warns you that her ex and her husband are very present and she expect you to be OK with that because she "trusts" you in a bar full of women. Hint...she doesn't trust you...she GETS from that action the reverse expectation that any time you might not like the shrine or the ex, it's YOU that's being unreasonable. Basically, she gets everything she wants without having to sacrifice anything of her past. Now, it could work but in order for that to happen, you need to break through her defenses. Not by being a jerk and using her or forcing yourself on her but by pursuing her. By letting her know that taking it slow is fine but that you have a destination in mind. That you want her - intellectually, spiritually, and physically...that it can progress on her time table but it MUST progress. Because if all she wants is an ex she can still love, there's no room for you and you're not enough of a schmuck to accept third place in her life. So don't be a schmuck. 1
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