New GF's Ex

[Johnson1]

I recently started seeing this woman a few weeks ago. She works teaching mentally challenged adults Monday through Friday. We take turns calling each other every night and talked upwards of two and a half hours. We've only seen each other twice in three weeks. Everything was going great until the other night when she mentioned that an ex that she's known for 7 years called her a couple of weeks ago. She told me he checks in on her every once in awhile to see how she is. She also told me he's her best friend above all her girlfriends, but yet they're not friends on Facebook. She mentioned that he has a gf that doesn't like him talking to her

 

Since her and I are both musicians and he's a guitarist, I asked her his last name and her response was 'why, are you jealous?' Naturally I said no and that I just wanted to know if he knew the musicians I know. He's VERY attractive. She went on bragging about him up and down and belittling every other guitarists in our area, even fellow guitarist that we know. I'm the one that always has to ask to see her. She doesn't seem overly enthusiastic, but yet we're very close when we're together and talk about a future together and vacation plans. Both times we went out (Saturday nights) she ended our dates early because she said she had to get up in the morning to do a benefit for the nonprofit organization she works at, which I understood. The only problem was she didn't have to get up till 10am. The first time she said she was going to spend the night and then only stayed for a few hours. The second time we went to see a band I know and she cut out at 9 pm leaving me at this crowded beach bar with many beautiful women. Whenever she feels she disappoints me about something she always asks, is it okay, or do you mind? She says she trusts me, but what I don't understand is how she could trust me so much knowing very little about me. Don't get me wrong, trust is a good thing, but is it normal to have such trust with this ex in her life? At this point I don't know how often she sees or talks with him. She met him after the death of her husband of 15 years who died next to her in bed. It's been 10 years and she still mourns his death. She asked me if I would mind that she has a shrine to him with pictures in her home and if I would be okay when the anniversary of his death rolls around. I don't know her too well yet. She seems sweet and sincere, but some things just seem off.

Edited May 24, 2019 by Vocals5

[Gaeta]

Just pass.

 

 

 

She's luckywarm about you, has an ex pseudo friend, a shrine of her dead husband? like how much more do you need to say *no thank you* and move on.

[preraph]

She's just killing time or you'd be seeing a lot more of her and she wouldn't leave early. I think her mind is elsewhere.

[kendahke]

She's sincerely a player--that's the sincerity you're picking up on.

 

 

She's marking time with you until her ex opens up a can of "act right"

 

 

I'd be chatting up some of those beautiful women you were left with when she bailed on you.

 

 

She sounds like she's not emotionally done with her ex--they've still got some thrashing out to do---question is: do you want your time taken up by this BS?

 

 

I mean, if you're her new boyfriend and she doesn't have a working internal filter that tells her "shaddap about the ex already!", then you're not registering all that deep with her. If you vanished for about 2 weeks, you can best believe she'd be blowing up her ex's phone.

Edited May 25, 2019 by kendahke

[d0nnivain]

She trusts you for a few reasons:

 

1. You have not given her any reason to distrust you. That is where I start with people. I assume the best but then re-evaluate when I see bad behavior.

 

2. She is not invested enough to care what you do.

 

3. She's a trusting person.

 

Her EX being generally around is a problem. For her to consider this guy her BFF, above all others, when he's hiding his interaction with her from his own GF is pretty sketchy.

 

I'm not crazy about people who still interact with EXs. I prefer no drama but not intentional interactions. If you bump into each other you should be able to make small talk for 5-10 minutes but that is about it.

 

Her making comparisons between you & her EX is pretty declassee, IMO. It's at least a caution flag; she has no tact.

[FMW]

She's still attached to both her deceased husband and her ex boyfriend. My guess on the "trust" issue is d0nnavain's #2 - she isn't invested enough in you to care if you end up with someone else.

 

Unless you're just looking for something casual, give her a pass.

[Interstellar]

I’d drop her like a bad habit. The rule is there can’t be any exes in the background.

 

Loyalty is numero uno my friend.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would take a hard pass on this one, OP.

 

You hardly know her and are already seeing signs that it isn't going to work.

[TooBad]

Reverse psychology... She sais she trusts you, so that you will trust her.

And she can't let go of her past, husband, ex. Unless you are into foursomes I would run.

[Marc878]

You can't be that hard up to stay in this.

[guest569]

I wouldn't take issue with someone mourning their deceased spouse. But being bff with the ex I am not sticking around. Too much talk and not enough real face time imo for this early on.

[fromheart]

Didn't get past the part where she started bragging about him. Why would you continue the conversation after she talked like that? Let alone, attempting intimacy?

[smackie9]

Good lord she left you at a bar full of beautiful women? Give your head a shake man, go back to that bar!

[Lotsgoingon]

Of course, she's going to mourn the ex ... but ... no, you don't want to date someone who has a shrine to the ex. People who date after death of a spouse understand that they have to clear out room and space to allow a new person in their life. But she used the word "shrine"! ... Red flag for sure.

 

Best friends with ex... another red flag.

 

BFF ex sneaks the friendship around his gf. A third red flag.

 

She ends dates early ... another red flag.

 

And the King Kong screaming, shouting, naked-dancing red flag: she is not all that enthusiastic to see you.

 

End it ... This is already way too complicated ... Relationships will get complicated, but you're running into major obstacles and mazes just out the gate.

[CLS63AMG]

She's still dating hence the early bail outs and she's trying to package all this as "trusting". I'd be outta there pronto and not only for that fact, her behavior is ridiculous and my assumption is that's because most of what she's telling you is lies and she has a few screws loose. Nothing she does or says is normal.

[Johnson1]

The thing is she has this way of convincing me that we should take the time to get to know each other conversationally so it's not just all about sex. She said whenever she's rushed into things it always failed. There are pros and cons on both sides about holding off to get to know each other and taking your time versus being very close right away. I don't know which to believe with her. She'll kiss me and sit on my lap and put her head over my shoulder and we'll hold each other and she'll tell me she really wants to have something meaningful with me and she wants this to work and to do things right. Friends always keep telling me to take it slow. Well how do you know if taking it slow is just a manipulation tactic? We went to a botanical gardens yesterday and we were sitting in a cafe and a Bread song came over the speaker. She was sitting right across from me, but looking away as in deep thought. I was looking right at her. She said she was people watching and got all pissed off at me because I said to her ' listening to the s*** doesn't remind you of so and so does it? She said, I can't believe you said that to me, then went off on me about how I don't know what it's like to lose someone who died next to them in bed. And that it isn't like a divorce. She accuses me of being jealous and she doesn't put up with jealousy. Maybe it wasn't the most tactful thing to say, but she doesn't see how I feel about it at all and doesn't want to. She believes I should be more understanding. I ended up apologizing, because I really don't know if that's what she was thinking. I could tell she was upset on the way home because she only put her hand on my arm once for a moment or so and for the most part was quiet most of the way home. I asked her if she would like to do something else fun and she pretended like she might be interested in going to see a band. I mentioned about one place, but it was near her house and she said we can go there, but do you mind if I head home afterwards? Then she said, I thought we were just going to chill at your place? To make a long story short, she ended up staying at my place cuddling all night. I know deep down she was still bothered by it because she didn't want to make love, but I let it go because she wanted to cuddle all night , so I said that's fine. She thanked me for being so close with her without expecting sex. It showed a lot to her. She's very impressed how close I am with my mom because her mom died few years back. We both came to a common understanding that we don't want to used. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Isn't it a guy's job to be understanding? I know I risk being played the fool, but for some reason she makes me feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnal if I just trust her. The one thing that struck me is when she slept over she left her phone in the living room and it's unlocked, which signifies to me that she's got nothing to hide. She's a very sound sleeper too. Her Facebook page is extremely low key with only two profile pictures that are not risque at all. She only has a handful of friends and maybe gets two or three likes on her posts, mostly from ladies and very old married men. Everything she posts are about her job and kids with autism and things like that. She seems to have a good heart, but takes it to the extreme when it comes to friendships and her dead husband. She told me I have nothing at all to worry about when it comes to her guy BFF and that I'll see when I meet him. Don't all women say they're not going to let anyone dictate who they're going to have his friends? I hear this a lot on Facebook with women who have male friends as ex's. The only thing I can think of is to play along and see where the road leads.

Edited May 26, 2019 by Vocals5

[CLS63AMG]

Actions over words my friend.

[Johnson1]

Let me add that the next morning after she stayed over we had an in-depth conversation for 3 hours about everything and she said how great was that we could talk about everything and how communication is so important. With that, she left because she had shopping to do and she asked me if I would call her later. I really don't think she's cheating because she doesn't have time. Either she's working or we're in constant contact.

then there's her leaving her phone out all night unlocked while she slept. I could have easily snooped, but don't want to sink to that level,

[Johnson1]

Actions over words my friend.

 

I agree and that's what I'm waiting to see. It's funny, she said the same thing to me and I agreed with her. I even told her I put up a post that said that a while back.

Edited May 26, 2019 by Vocals5

[Johnson1]

It's tough to know what to do sometimes. People can come across as so down-to-earth and so sincere. I can't bring myself to throw in the towel on her just yet.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wait til you try to spend the night at her place, surrounded by the shrine ...

 

The shrine is the turnoff to me ... don't care how great she is otherwise ...

[bachdude]

She's accused you of being jealous twice for what seem to me to be pretty benign comments.

 

Gosh, she's super defensive about this guitarist fella. Red flag.

 

I think you need to just watch very carefully to be sure her snail paced approach to your relationship isn't just "taking it slow" but rather her not being over her husband who passed away and this ex of hers who she loves to kvel about

 

This is the naughty side of my brain talking, but why not say you found a recording of guitarist god/ex, and you weren't impressed at all and see she how she reacts. I bet she pops a cork.

 

Sorry, like I said, the naughty side of my brain talking...

[CLS63AMG]

Let me add that the next morning after she stayed over we had an in-depth conversation for 3 hours about everything and she said how great was that we could talk about everything and how communication is so important. With that, she left because she had shopping to do and she asked me if I would call her later. I really don't think she's cheating because she doesn't have time. Either she's working or we're in constant contact.

then there's her leaving her phone out all night unlocked while she slept. I could have easily snooped, but don't want to sink to that level,

 

 

No need to snoop through her phone but you can snoop through dating sites and apps, if you see her on those then you have your answer.

[Johnson1]

She's accused you of being jealous twice for what seem to me to be pretty benign comments.

 

Gosh, she's super defensive about this guitarist fella. Red flag.

 

I think you need to just watch very carefully to be sure her snail paced approach to your relationship isn't just "taking it slow" but rather her not being over her husband who passed away and this ex of hers who she loves to kvel about

 

This is the naughty side of my brain talking, but why not say you found a recording of guitarist god/ex, and you weren't impressed at all and see she how she reacts. I bet she pops a cork.

 

Sorry, like I said, the naughty side of my brain talking...

 

I thought about doing that, but it'll only make me look jealous and she knows it.. Not a minute goes by that I contemplate throwing in the towel. She's been friends with this guy since they were kids. I can deal with the memory of her dead hubby. She can't cheat with that. It's the bff guy that will always be around. She said they've always been there to help each other through thick and thin. Supposedly her hubby that died and the bff were good friends and she was roommates with the bff after his death. She says they only had sex twice the year they lived together, but decided it wouldn't work and they should just stay friends. I don't believe that crap for a minute. You don't live with someone for a whole year and only have sex twice unless there was something wrong that one of them did. She wants me to meet him, but I'm not going to. As far as I'm concerned there should only be one man in her life to take care of her. She said she wouldn't care if I had an ex-girlfriend as a BFF, but that's a load of crap too. Her and I talked about it this morning. She knows how I feel about it. I'm just not going to get too caught up. I'll see where it goes and bide my time until someone else comes along depending on how she is. I can easily snoop her cell. That's the glue that's holding it together. She left it out overnight and doesn't lock it. Either she really has nothing to hide about what I'd see or she's using reverse psychology keeping it out unlocked overnight to call my bluff and me think by doing so that she's innocent. She's either very smart or very dumb to underestimate me.

Edited May 27, 2019 by Vocals5

[Highndry]

Don't walk, RUN.