Kateotto Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 (edited) I have been seeing someone for close to a month and a half now and last weekend we ended up having sex. Now I feel distant from him and not a special bond anymore. Maybe I have this deep fear that he doesn't want to be with me, even though he has clearly stated that he still would like to continue this relationship and is looking for marriage...I don't think I was ready and I stupidly agreed to it. What should I do... I also feel less respect for him as him and I both knew I didn't want to rush into sex. But because I agreed to have sex in the moment..why should I be mad at him.... P.s the sex was not bad either I should also mention I've had a history of casual sex and being with men who wanted sex only and I was looking for love. Obviously in the wrong place to find love.. Edited May 24, 2019 by Kateotto
preraph Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 You've got to stop agreeing to new people already talking about marriage. There's nothing right about that. Too soon for it. Change up the way you do things if this isn't working. Good luck.
2much4 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 When I read your thread title, I pretty much assumed the sex had been terrible. I did have instances where the guy was just so bad in bed I lost interest. That happens and there's nothing you can do about it. Now, assuming you did enjoy yourself: How early/late you have sex with someone doesn't tell you anything about the level of respect they have for you. You can have sex very early and still respect the person a great deal. It is natural to want to have sex with someone you like. Waiting however long, isn't a guarantee it will work out. Instead of assuming the worst, take a deep breath and (assuming you like the guy) go on another date with him =) 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 Given your history of having casual sex and choosing men who only want sex and nothing more, have you ever been in love or in a relationship where there was a deep connection that was more than just sexual? 1
Author Kateotto Posted May 24, 2019 Author Posted May 24, 2019 Actually the guy I'm currently with is the first person I really care for and we have a very strong emotional bond. And now we had sex I'm scared maybe he will leave me like the other men I've been with
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 Actually the guy I'm currently with is the first person I really care for and we have a very strong emotional bond. And now we had sex I'm scared maybe he will leave me like the other men I've been with Well that kind of answers things. Your history has shown you that men leave after they "get what they want". But that's not necessarily true. You can't allow your past to dictate your future and you can't punish this man for things the other men did to you in the past. Changing this mentality isn't easy as there is often a LOT of emotion attached to it. If this proves to be a problem, you may want to seek some professional help to try and work through some of those issues otherwise it may prevent you from having a healthy relationship. Good luck. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 Actually the guy I'm currently with is the first person I really care for and we have a very strong emotional bond. And now we had sex I'm scared maybe he will leave me like the other men I've been with You waited 1.5 months to have sex. He has told you he's in this for the long haul; he's looking for marriage. He did not say he wants to marry you. There is difference between being marriage minded & admitting that vs. inappropriately pushing for marriage too early in a relationship. Your fears are making you paranoid. Your bad past experiences with the wrong men are coloring this & ruining it for you. The sex was good. He was still there. He's not doing anything to pull away. It's just your fear talking. Try to ignore that little voice. It's lying to you & making you distrust. Step back Take a breath & watch his behavior. He's still there & that is a good thing. 2
olivetree Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 I also feel less respect for him as him and I both knew I didn't want to rush into sex. But because I agreed to have sex in the moment..why should I be mad at him.... Do you think that maybe you are actually mad at yourself for letting your guard down, but are taking it out internally on him by losing respect? Try to set aside your fears and just enjoy each other. It may work out, it may not. Instead of worrying about if he still likes you or not, focus on whether or not you like him and he is a good match for you. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 (edited) Here's the cold, hard reality. If you have casual sex so often, you're going to become numb to it. It's not going to be special if you're doing it all the time with people you don't love anyway. It's like getting a job a Burger King because you love hamburgers. In the beginning having Burger King burgers everyday is pretty good. After a while, you're sick of them . . . they don't love you back. If YOU like him enough, push this aside for a bit. This is a better burger than you're used to . . . Edited May 24, 2019 by Redhead14
Versacehottie Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 I think you are attaching the wrong meaning to this event. It's like it's all getting jumbled in your head with your past and the meaning you've attached to those past occurrences. If there is a way in your brain to clear the slate, if possible, that would be a good thing. Also try not to attach meaning that either jumps far into the future, i.e. regarding marriage or that it means nothing/is casual to having had sex with this guy. Realize that they don't necessarily correlate to "what happens ultimately in the relationship, which is SUCH a multi-layered thing, and that good things can come from this, without expecting them to, if that makes sense. It was your choice and is a positive experience if you choose to view it like that & exclude it from your past baggage, and by that i only mean your thoughts on what happened in that past, not that you did it. Good luck
kendahke Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 (edited) I should also mention I've had a history of casual sex and being with men who wanted sex only and I was looking for love. Obviously in the wrong place to find love.. You're sending out mixed signals. Edited May 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
The Outlaw Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 I'm not jumping the gun or drawing conclusions here, but given your history you may just be afraid of commitment. Many people are. But marriage this early on would likely be a mistake and you need to give it some more thought before you do anything. And if he's still around, that isn't a bad thing. It may have not necessarily been a bond you felt with him quite yet, but give it time. They often require time to develop.
Redhead14 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 I'm not jumping the gun or drawing conclusions here, but given your history you may just be afraid of commitment. Many people are. But marriage this early on would likely be a mistake and you need to give it some more thought before you do anything. And if he's still around, that isn't a bad thing. It may have not necessarily been a bond you felt with him quite yet, but give it time. They often require time to develop. I don't think fear of commitment is playing a role in this. I think it's more likely fear of intimacy. People with a fear of intimacy desperately want a need a partner but the closeness and emotional investment scares them. Her reaction is classic. That being said, this guy actually seems to be worth pushing through it. Even if it doesn't work out, it will be a kind of exposure therapy for her and make it more tolerable for her later perhaps. I think she should give it a chance.
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