georgiagirl76 Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 As those of you who have read my posts I am on day 13 of NC with my ex and I am trying very hard to move on. He has been offline for a couple of days which is unusual because he ususally leaves the computer on and changes his status (even when he is sleeping). Well today I am sitting here working and he signs on and changes his status to Studying at (and leaves the name of the place where he is studying). It is right across the street from my Law Office. I know this sounds like I am 14 again (an no offense to any teenagers on here). But I got this quivering feeling in my stomach when I saw it. I am not going to do a drive by or anything like that- I am not going to im him. I am going to continue no contact- it was like a jolt and I thought I was doing so well- but I guess it is cyclical. Anyone else have that happen to them?
smile95 Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 I do that too. Then i deleted him becasue I was thinking about where he was and if he was not on I was wondering why and all that worked me up. Delete him
Art_Critic Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 GG stop these silly games... Block and then delete him and you won't have to get "Butterflies"
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 Thanks guys I didn't realize I was playing a "silly game". I will delete him. Sorry for the post
heartnsoul Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 It's completely normal to get those butterflies. I do the same thing. My guy asked for a break over 2 months ago and never finalized it. So, I had to put him in the 'dropped off the face of the earth' category. It sucks but I am feeling better about the situation. Please don't let my experience discourage you! Every situation is unique and mine just happened to take a head dive into the shytter. You're only 2 weeks in of NC and you will experience your ups and downs, it's normal. It's never easy to be out of 'control' of the outcome when you're heart's on the line. All you can do is be good to yourself and keep yourself busy. Hang in there
RecordProducer Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 I wonder why he didn't delete you or at least block you. If you know it's over it's best to delete him, I agree. But if there is hope for you then just block him (put him on "permanently offline" in Yahoo).
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 Record and others Thanks for your support and advice. To answer your question- we didn't have a final break- I don't expect you to read my long original post but we didn't have a horrible ending. There wasn't any name calling or I don't love yous. (and no I am not fooling myself, I am aware that he may not end up coming back to date me) Our situation is unique because a lot of it has to do with his upcoming deployment that has changed his original desire to get out of the army intel and go FBI/CIA/NSA(he has top secret clearance). We never really discussed a life in the military and when he began to determine whether or not he was going to stay in our communication had been impacted by stress. Since the entire time our future talk consisted of moving to DC and other things non-military and also my career as a lawyer (you have to take the bar in every state you want to practice in) he just didn't see that our careers were compatible. There wasn't anything I could do at the time -eventhough I tried to tell him that I would be supportive whatever he decided- he just wanted space. He was so tired- the army has him working at night until 645 am and he is also working on his masters. It is just too much. He said that he knows we will see each other again and possibly get back together if we do start spending time together. His mother and I are close but I have refrained from talking to her or emailing her recently- we had some contact when the break up first happened- she said that she thought we were going to stay together and that she was sorry. She said that you never know what is around the corner and maybe we will get back together. She told me that she wanted me to remain in her life (they live 8 hours away- he is stationed here where I live). Although I appreciate her words I have refrained from 5 ncontact- Not only do I think it is better for him to wonder I think it helps me move on if we don't get back together. So that is why I hadn't deleted him and that is why he hadn't deleted me. I know a lot of people are on here looking for the magic potion to get their ex- back. I am not. I am aware that he is 100% in control of him and I cannot make him change his mind. I was mainly looking for a place to vent and get/give support during the process so as to not alienate my friends. Thanks for all of you who think deleting him and burning his stuff is appropriate- I just don't think it is the case here.
heartnsoul Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 I only recommended that deleting him because it's gotta be torturing you to see him (on line) and know that he can't provide for you emotionally right now. Being on break and not knowing the outcome is torture enough in itself. I can appreciate that you didn't 'break' on bad terms and I didn't either. Life is funny sometimes. Bottom line is he asked for space and it's out of your control. You're an intelligent and educated woman and we can only provide advise through our own lifes experiences. I come on here to vent as well and to read and hopefully find insight in others situations and outcomes. I was 'close' to my ex's mother and it's painful to not only have to (possibly) 'let go' of the romantic relationship but all of the relationships that were built around it. However, time is always on our side....they either realize that it's worth the effort or we (the heart broken) get to move on with life.
JS17 Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 Thanks guys I didn't realize I was playing a "silly game". I will delete him. Sorry for the post You're not playing a silly game. It's totally normal but it's not going to help you. I do think the best thing for you to do is pull him off your buddy list or you'll just keep getting pulled back into the feelings. Cut him out of your life in all ways, the sooner you do that the easier it will be for you. This includes talking to his mom. We talked about losing the family before and it sucks, you're not just losing a relationship, you're losing friends and family too. I know it's so hard and you'll feel so much loss but in the long run it will be better for you. Keep going girl, you're doing great
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 Thanks Heart and JS I have severed ties with his mother- in that I do not email or call her. I do admit to being guilty of corresponding with her the day of the break up but then the last email of that day I told her I needed to do this on my own and although I was her only "daughter" so to speak it wasn't appropriate for her to get me through this as she is his mother. My main focus right now is moving on with my life and not getting back together with him. I think if I do anything with the list it will be hide him so I don't see what is going on but I will probably not delete him just yet. Call it a crutch as far as healing goes I do feel like I am partially ahead of the curve. I have been keeping myself busy- exercising, doing deep cleaning including painting (much needed I may add) rooms in my town home. I have two lovely dogs that I play more with now. I am also invloved in community theatre and we have a show this coming weekend- not to mention work. I have tried to be there for my friends as well- sometimes being the one helping actually makes you feel a lot better. I haven't had a melt down since Tuesday - and that is not to say that I won't return to the depths of despair. Thanks for the comments- I had a bad day overall with work and other things non-breakup related so I feel that I was slightly curt with those who offered advice. I hope that I can be of help to anyone. I do have some feelings that I am trying to resolve about the war however. I am not attempting to evoke a deep political discussion- and yes I totaly respect and honor those who have fought and/or died serving our country. This war is one that will definitely unite our generations to those of the WWII era. There are so many important aspects of that but the one that I am dealing with is the families/loved ones that get left behind. I respect my ex's desire to want to serve- but had it not been for the war he would have wanted to get out of the army. He is providing an important service to the forces- he is in intelligence and that is all I can say- and being called up to go "over there" has changed his world immensely. I will pray for him and his comrades regardless of the outcome of our situation. I think too of all the families that have been forever shattered either by death or by divorce because of the war- Anyway, it makes me sad but again it is out of my control. Just another layer of the frustration that revealed itself today.
JS17 Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 When I read your posts I feel like I'm listening to myself (a slightly less emotional version )...and instead of dogs I have cats. Just keep doing what you're doing. You seem to be dealing with this in a very healthy way. Keep remembering that you have suffered a loss and it will take time. You sound like the kind of person that doesn't need any help but just needs time and support.
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 JS17 I really do relate to you and your words and I appreciate all of what you say. It is funny that you say- slightly less emotional version- my friends would beg to differ. I think I am guarded more on here than any other place in my life- which is odd because for the most part all of you are total strangers! I am very emotional and sometimes to emotional. You are right I came here for support more so than advice- at least at the time being. If he returns at some point I may need advice on the whole- how long to wait to return the phone call etc. Anway, sometimes I feel like I feel things too deeply and therefore I become devastated when I loose someone- whether to death or emotional death such as a breakup. It isn't that I have an unhealthy attachment to the person- it is just the way I love. Well hang in there and THANKS SO MUCH. I actually get excited when I see that you have posted to my little blogs!
JS17 Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 JS17 I really do relate to you and your words and I appreciate all of what you say. It is funny that you say- slightly less emotional version- my friends would beg to differ. I think I am guarded more on here than any other place in my life- which is odd because for the most part all of you are total strangers! I am very emotional and sometimes to emotional. You are right I came here for support more so than advice- at least at the time being. If he returns at some point I may need advice on the whole- how long to wait to return the phone call etc. Anway, sometimes I feel like I feel things too deeply and therefore I become devastated when I loose someone- whether to death or emotional death such as a breakup. It isn't that I have an unhealthy attachment to the person- it is just the way I love. Well hang in there and THANKS SO MUCH. I actually get excited when I see that you have posted to my little blogs! I swear this isn't me posting under another name. I get the whole "I'm emotional but also level headed" thing. I live it every day. This is a pretty safe place to be emotional and let it all out. When I was first going through everything I kept a journal just to get it all out. It really helped. One of the things that also helped was writing a goodbye letter that I never sent and never had an intention of sending. It was 16 pages long! It was the most emotional thing I've ever done but I felt so much better afterwards. I'm the same way about getting attached. Every time I cry to someone that I wish I could stop getting attached so easily they tell me it's a terrible way to go through life not being able to attach to people at all. (I still think it's easier, but it does make sense) If he returns at some point I may need advice on the whole- how long to wait to return the phone call etc. Thinking this way is a big problem. You're going through the denial stage. It's perfectly normal but when you stop thinking this way and start to believe that he's out of your life and you'll move on to better you'll start feeling better. But nobody expects you to get to that point, what, 13 or so days after the breakup. As for me, I'm going shopping for a couch in a few minutes. Hooray for retail therapy Keep painting and playing with your pups
JS17 Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 sometimes being the one helping actually makes you feel a lot better. I wouldn't still be on LS if that wasn't true
leighmc Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 I think if I do anything with the list it will be hide him so I don't see what is going on but I will probably not delete him just yet. I did the same thing with my ex's cell phone number. I deleted it out of my phone but I wrote it on a piece of paper and left it in my desk at work. I don't know why I did that, I just am not ready to get rid of it for good. I think eventually I will be able to throw that little piece of paper away but for now i'm not ready to do that. I think you should definatly hide him so you don't see when he is online and maybe one day we can delete them for good, we can even do it together
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 JS I too wrote the letter and didn't send it- I also keep a journal. As for self defeating behavior such as "if he calls". I am just preparing because he has furniture here and also still has my housekey. He also said the day he asked for space that he would call me after he had taken some time and he would also want to see me again. Not that I believe any of this 100% but there is a chance that he will at least call to arrange getting the stuff swaped- that is what I meant by if he calls I will need to ask advice. Thanks again for the support.
RecordProducer Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 I did the same thing with my ex's cell phone number. I deleted it out of my phone but I wrote it on a piece of paper and left it in my desk at work. You didn't know his number by heart? Georgia, when my BF and I broke up for a few days, we couldn't stay away from each other. We were on the phone all the time. It eventually brought us back together. I don't know your story and how healthy it is for you to be with him again, but if you love each other and want to be together then NC is probably not the best way to get there.
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 Record Thanks for taking the time- I posted my story a few days ago on the breaking up forum- if you are interested I would love for you to read it. I determined this weekend that it was no longer my job to figure out what he needs. Yes, I love him but I can't make a decision for him. He asked for space and I have to give that to him. The contact ball is in his court and he hasn't opted to exercise it. I just think that the best thing for me to do is to heal and deal with me and move on as if he isn't coming back because otherwise I will end up waiting for a period of time that is undeterminable. If it hadn't been 15 days since we last spoke I may agree with you. His brother and some of my friends keep urging me to call him and ask him to meet me to talk-if you read my post you will understand more of the situation. It is true that he made his decision based on false opinions about whether or not I would stay with him if he was in the military for life- I just don't think that I can convince him by telling him. It would just seem like lip service. Also, I am hurt that one week after we sat down to discuss the direction of our relationship and agreed there were areas that needed to improve but decided not to break up- he bails- he needs space. Thus, I am not really at a point where I am ready to talk to him. For the first time in my life I feel like I need space as well- he hurt me because he made a decision about our future (that wasn't even here yet meaning his deployment) without me. He decided for me that I couldn't handle him being gone that long. He walked out when we needed to support each other the most. Therefore, I just think time is the only thing we have that will ever help us heal and be able to be in any relationship including one together. Thanks again.
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