Horticultured Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 I've been having a very stressful couple of months and am really struggling to deal with my boyfriend. He's been very whiney and needy lately and it's really just come to head over the last 2 weeks. I've been giving him a lot of slack because one of his brothers was recently diagnosed and subsequently had surgery for pituitary issues but my patience is really running low. In the past 2 weeks he has kept me up till 3am when I had a 7:30am final, unexpectedly crashed my girls night then fell asleep on me and loudly started snoring, woke me up to help his incredibly rude friend with an Adderall problem move his stuff, and asked me to drive him to the bus station at 6 in the morning so he could spend the week with his family who he has done nothing but complain about since he arrived. He's been home for about a week and in that week I've washed half his wardrobe, stayed up all night caring for 2 injured baby robins, only one of which survived the night, drove the survivor 45 minutes in the snow to the nearest rehabilitation facility, fallen sick with the worst cold of my life, and had to lock all of my accounts and freeze my credit reports because my mom's computer got hacked and she had all of my personal information, including my SSN, in a singular word document. I called him last night cause I'm super sick and just wanted some company. He complained about a fight he had with his grandfather over the new computer that was just purchased for him for pretty much the entirety of the call. My mom woke me up at 8 this morning with a swarm of texts about her computer so I wasn't exactly in a good mood to begin with but then when he woke up at noon he immediately started complaining about the computer again and I snapped at him. My mom is coming up to visit tonight so I had been cleaning up the obscene amount of alcohol my boyfriend has left scattered around my apartment. I don't drink and it doesn't bother me that he does but he leaves half-full cans and bottles everywhere, including my bedroom and bathroom, and it just looks trashy. He asked me what I was up to and when I snapped at him he got all pouty and hasn't talked to me since. I think I've been very tolerant of him these past weeks and I'm super frustrated that he's being such a brat about my being unhappy about cleaning up his trash. Am I being irrational or should I have been more polite?
kendahke Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) I think you should have realized the shipwreck of a relationship you have with this guy a long time ago and tell him to come get his stuff and leave you alone. In the first place, you're doing too much behind someone you really don't respect--that much seems apparent in your post, so why keep him around? Every phone has an off button and you should use it more. When you need your sleep, turn the phone off. If you don't want to be bothered, turn the phone off. Edited May 23, 2019 by kendahke 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Listen There are ways to communicate in a relationship where you have a better chance of getting your needs met and not make your boyfriend feel like sh*t 1) don’t do anything you really don’t want to do concerning him. You working your own self up saying yes to whatever pisses you off. Yes you should say yes because he is your boyfriend and you care for him but only if it is things you truly don’t mind doing and is truly not a problem to do. If it’s a problem then you don’t do it. 2) you need to communicate important boundaries and what you need in a way that is sweet and respectful. “Babe Im not feeling well. I would love it if you take the time to listen to me and just be there for me. Can you do that for me honey?”. Any good boyfriend would oblige 3) if he still acts like a winey turd then your only choice is to a) accept that is the way he is and find ways to cope that works for you b) cut him loose I would choose B if a boyfriend acts like it’s all about him all the time and can’t also be there for me like I’m there for him Going off on him won’t help you. All it will do is make him more defensive and more of a victim and make you the enemy and you still don’t get what you need out of the relationship. And yes being sweet doesn’t guarantee you get what you need out of the relationship but it gives a waaaaay better chance that you will get your needs met than the alternative You don’t want to go negative without giving a fair opportunity first and it’s fair to simply communicate in a way that invites him to help you. And you only go negative if you have to (if he responds in a ****ty way to you being fair that is). And you going negative won’t even have to be in the form of going off on him. You simply cut him loose. No drama. No stress. But again if he is a good boyfriend you shouldn’t have to take it this far especially if you come at him in a loving and respectful way. Truly it’s the boyfriends who end up toxic that you have to be cold towards in the end. Good luck.
Redhead14 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) Am I being irrational or should I have been more polite? Irrational? -- What's rational about tolerating bad behavior, disrespectfulness and inconsideration from someone you are calling your boyfriend? Any guy who drains you the way you're allowing this one to, needs to be put to the curb. More polite? -- I don't understand why you're thinking YOU should be more polite. I snapped at him he got all pouty and hasn't talked to me since. he's being such a brat -- Time to go out and find a boyfriend who is not 12 years old. Edited May 23, 2019 by Redhead14 1
Versacehottie Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 No not irrational of you. I would just encourage you to be the antithesis of what is bugging you about him. Take action with regard to this and communicate rather than complain. A few days to gather your thoughts and vent and then decide your course of action. Whether it's a big one or small step, decide how you are going to deal with your issues with him. Also by "action" in your case it means actually doing something (like breaking up or taking more time for yourself in various ways) AND it also means the choice of inaction and/or communication drawing a boundary with him. I hope that makes sense. but nah, not irrational of you at all. It's hard drawing boundaries with people you love but necessary sometimes (obviously!). Good luck
devilish innocent Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 You should have told him he has to clean all of the bottles and cans himself. If you're pretending to be okay with everything, then he probably hasn't registered how much you've been doing recently. We're all human and snap from time to time, but I would have apologized for snapping. Then I would have told he really does need to pick up his bottles and cans.
preraph Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 you're not his mother and what's happening right now is he has put you in the role of being as mother but you have also put yourself there by putting up with any of this crap for this long. He's more like your teenage son. there is absolutely no reason why you need to leave your phone on so that he can interrupt you all night and early in the morning. My phone stays off until I'm awake and ready to hear from someone. He sounds like a nightmare. Do you really need a boyfriend this bad?
Lotsgoingon Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 Why are you doing all this stuff for your bf? ... Are you his servant? ... That's the irrational part ... and if you keep doing all this stuff (treating him like you're his mother--and a pushover mother at that) ... yeah, you're going to get mad ... very mad and justifiably so ... But really this is on you. Develop a voice ... you want to learn how to say no ... how to tell him to not leave his bottles all around. And why the heck are you doing his laundry? ... And if he can't give you comfort with something is going on ... then why the heck are you with him? That's the irrational part! Staying with someone who acts like he's 13 years old ... and who can give you as much support as a 13-year-old could. And going along with his 13-year-oldness. BTW: this isn't a close call. Your relationship is totally out of whack and balance ... Can you get to counseling to learn how to stand up for yourself? You're courting trouble by putting up with this kind of behavior. You really only get in life what you ask for and what you stand up for ... People will treat you as poorly as you let them treat you ... because they will think (with reason) ... she's OK with doing my laundry. She's OK with ... She's never complained about ....
smackie9 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 (edited) you need to dump this chump My words exactly. I'm sorry but, just because he's going through a tough time doesn't mean he can act like a total dbag. You are taken for granted, and he needs to go out on his own so you can have peace. Edited May 24, 2019 by smackie9
Redhead14 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 If you have not told him specifically why you are unhappy and what you expect from him, you are complicit in your own misery. If you have told him what you expect from him and he is not stepping up to the plate and you keep tolerating it, you are complicit in your own misery. 2
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