Love conquers or am I falling for something that's going nowhere?

[JontySeal]

Hey folks!

I guess I'll start with a little background on me for everyone that didn't read my last thread!

I'm 25. I've been a solider, and a busker. I've kayaked through south america, and I've worked on a safari park in Africa. I've been a barman and a masseuse. I've worked on a farm and a boxing gym. I've been lucky to experience so much but I've never really been able to find a place to call home, somewhere to settle and I guess its the same story with relationships - I've never had a problem attracting girls. I've always had a problem keeping a relationship.

 

First couple of months they're super into me they say i'm 'different' that i'm 'fun', and then before you know it they're sick of me and we have the good ol' 'don't ever change but you're not for me talk'!

 

I've had four 'serious' girlfriends in my life that actually lasted some. Three of those relationships ended because those girls friends or family didn't think i was good enough for them (i'm an upbeat confident guy by nature but thats a tough thing to keep hearing), and the other ended because I was fed up feeling like I was stifling my personality to be who she wanted me to be.

 

 

 

So anyway...

One of those girls, lets call her Taylor. I met through my job (though not directly) and we dated for a while.

Opposites in tons of ways - if i come off as boisterous, then she comes of as aloof. But in reality, behind closed doors, we actually had a lot in common.. common values, great humour, similar approach to problem solving. Our relationship was strong.

But her best friend didn't think I was good enough, and soon enough her brothers were saying a similar thing, and then she starts with all the "Hurry up", "Do you have to wear that", "can you just tone it down a bit around my friends tonight" ....and that was just the start of the end I guess.

 

We split up about 3 years ago. Sounds a bit mushy but legit she really broke my heart, I honestly saw a future for us. Wasn't a great break up as a result but time heals and I still know her through my social circle and we're actually back to being okay now. Not like mates particularly, but we get on again.

 

 

 

Then late one night, bang out the blue, she phones me.. i answer because it was so incredibly weird. She was drunk, and upset, kept saying she'd done something stupid and I was actually pretty worried so I went round.

 

She'd cut herself.. like self harmed.. and was a bit of a mess. I was STUNNED!! She's never as long as i've known her ever shown any even seed of depression/insecurity/or wanting to hurt herself!

I just like dressed the cut, calmed her down, cleaned up, made a cuppa etc I put her to bed and she asked me to stay (maybe I shouldn't of, but I hated seeing her like that, so I did. I just held her all night really).

 

I made her come out to breakfast with me in the morning, I thought it was important we got out the house.

We had a good chat as well, she said she'd never done it before, was sort of seeing if it lived up to the hype in a way, regretted it instantly. I found it so weird though to have that kind of conversation with her. For her to say like how envious she is that I just have the confident to be exactly myself whatever anyone else might think (weird, considering why she broke up with me?). I told her there's a lot of people jealous of her confidence and self belief (I know what a huge heart she has but this is a girl who, at times, can come off a little brash), and then she just opened up about these insecurities she carries. Stuff I'd heard her joke about before and never realised how deeply she actually feels it

 

Flash forward, we havent really been out of contact since then. Been texting a lot (firstly because I was checking in on her, and now just because I want to), we've had a few dinners & a movie night, and we've had also like a few moments where like I could have almost kissed her...

 

...I'm feeling like feelings again guys! ......And I don't know how I feel about that!

 

Like, come on, am I being a hugeee idiot!? This girl dumped me, she broke my heart, am I mad to go there again!? Problem is I don't even want to stop now, I'm excited to see her, to hear from her!

But I don't want a take two repeat. I don't want to be some sort of back up plan.

 

I'm looking for this illusive girl thats going to love me, FOR ME! Is it possible that could ever be a girl that let everyone else get in her head before?

[Lotsgoingon]

You're walking back into the relationship through the caretaker door ... Not a good door to go through. You are not her social worker, her servant, her therapist, her parent ... and playing any of those roles for very long (we can do so very sporadically) ... can deform a relationship.

 

Also, this is a time to be aware ... You might be pulled in by playing the hero in this situation ... the understanding, caring, nurturing, strong hero ... That's not a good place to stand in relationship ... Well because you want something balanced ... where she takes care of you as much as you take of her. So you'll start hiding stuff ... and ignoring your own pain ... if you keep up this dynamic ... because you will have adopted the hero (I don't need help) role. Not good.

 

So ... keep in mind ... we humans can easily feel intoxication ... and yet you do not have to act on that intoxication ... you're feeling the crush again for her ... But why? ...

 

And has she said she wants to be with you? ... You could be setting yourself up for heartbreak once more ... What is she saying about you two and the future? ... Anything? ...

 

Finally, nothing hurts more ... nothing ... than playing the heroic rescuer ... and then getting dumped ... just know ... being rescued by someone does not translate into wanting to be with someone ... She may just like you for the rescuing and then want to date another person.

 

Proceed with caution.

[Flame Aura]

Completely agree with the post above, nothing more to add.

 

One thing I will add though is when a woman looks for a long term partner, so marriage, buying a house together, having kids, the main thing they look for is stability and security.

 

Will my partner be able to look after me, provide for me when I'm pregnant, be able to bring up our child in a stable environment etc.

 

From your post you seem like a great outgoing guy, but at some point you will need to shift your life focus in being that stable 'rock' (kinda like you are being now to her) as opposed to just drifting through life doing whatever you want and however you want, if you want a long term stable relationship.

 

Only exception is if you meet someone who is very similar to you in their way of life and are happy to carry on like that for ever.

[d0nnivain]

I'll be a bit more optimistic.

 

Assuming you two are around the same age, 3 years ago she was only 22. You were a worldly man & she was a wide eyed girl who was easily influenced by others. She saw the behind closed doors version of you while everyone else only saw the boisterous façade. They gave her grief possibly about your ambitions (or what they perceived as a lack of ambition because every job you mentioned isn't exactly a long term career that you can support a family on) and your seeming inability to be grounded -- again your various jobs took you many places but don't add up to you setting down roots. In your early 20s I think people need wings not roots so it's not a criticism from me but an explanation about why her friends & family discouraged her.

 

In the 3 years since you broke up, you haven't moved very far because she could still contact you & you were able to rush right over.

 

She probably didn't end things because she wanted to but because these other people pressured her to. She listened to them but regretted her decision. probably wasn't the only decision she made where she wasn't being true to herself but listening to others. She probably became increasing unhappy because these well meaning people steered her wrong.

 

Now she's at a point where she is self harming. Where her head is right now is NOT a good place for a relationship to begin. She's got to get her head screwed on straight before anything can happen. You can't start a healthy relationship while she's so broken.

 

Plus she has not exactly expressed in words a desire to reconcile. Keep on talking & see what happens but proceed with caution

[smackie9]

The mom talk: I don't know you (I'm just going by what you have posted) but if you want a forever girl, you need to be settled solidly career wise, financially and have roots (a home). It's just what it is....women want stability. If all your worldly possessions are in a duffel bag, and your only asset is surf board, you aren't gonna get very far.

 

This girl gave you a little snip-it of a wonderful relationship, but that was years ago. She doesn't have to be your only option. If you make changes in your life as I mentioned above, you will attract your forever girl.

 

Now guys will jump on here and say those girls are materialistic...no...women are looking out for their future children's best interest, and to not have to focus on the struggles when their energy should be on the relationship, and family.

You need to get out of your drifter mentality, and set your sights on the future and get your priorities straight.

Edited May 24, 2019 by smackie9

[Ruby Slippers]

if you want a forever girl, you need to be settled solidly career wise, financially and have roots (a home). It's just what it is....women want stability. If all your worldly possessions are in a duffel bag, and your only asset is surf board, you aren't gonna get very far.

So true. Men like you are fun... but the excitement of fun wears off pretty fast, and then you want something stable that can last.

 

This girl dumped you before, so I'd let her broach the subject of a second chance.

[JontySeal]

You're walking back into the relationship through the caretaker door ... Not a good door to go through. You are not her social worker, her servant, her therapist, her parent ... and playing any of those roles for very long (we can do so very sporadically) ... can deform a relationship.

Yeah you're right, I did walk back into her life like that, but I'm not in any of those roles right now. Like she's fine, she isn't still self harming or anything, I think factors collided and everything just snowballed for her that week, she's doing fine - maybe a little more mentally fragile than the girl I knew before but I'm certainly not her therapist/social worker or any of that.

 

 

So ... keep in mind ... we humans can easily feel intoxication ... and yet you do not have to act on that intoxication ... you're feeling the crush again for her ... But why? ...

But why? That's a great question... I could real of a list of great characteristics but that wouldn't really be 'why', someone else could walk in with all those characteristics and it wouldn't mean I'd feel anything.

It's in that little bit of magic you can't put your finger on right? That's why my name sounds so sweet out her lips, and why when I look in her eyes i feel that spark. Can you ever really define why.

 

I'll say this actually, she's not the only girl I've ever loved, but she actually is the girl that I have most admired. That's true, even when we spilt up and I thought she was a jerk... I've always admired her

 

 

And has she said she wants to be with you? ... You could be setting yourself up for heartbreak once more ... What is she saying about you two and the future? ... Anything? ...

I said in my post right, im not bad with women. I'm actually pretty good. She's throwing me all the right signals and we've had these real moments where I almost kissed her - I'd confidently go all in that she'd kiss me back.

 

But this is the thing right, is that just a replay of before, and all the other times? I can always attract the girl initially. I just can't make them stay

[JontySeal]

The mom talk: I don't know you (I'm just going by what you have posted) but if you want a forever girl, you need to be settled solidly career wise, financially and have roots (a home). It's just what it is....women want stability. If all your worldly possessions are in a duffel bag, and your only asset is surf board, you aren't gonna get very far.

 

This girl gave you a little snip-it of a wonderful relationship, but that was years ago. She doesn't have to be your only option. If you make changes in your life as I mentioned above, you will attract your forever girl.

 

So true. Men like you are fun... but the excitement of fun wears off pretty fast, and then you want something stable that can last..

 

From your post you seem like a great outgoing guy, but at some point you will need to shift your life focus in being that stable 'rock' (kinda like you are being now to her) as opposed to just drifting through life doing whatever you want and however you want, if you want a long term stable relationship.

 

Here's thing thing right.. I hear you girls! I don't doubt what you're saying - hell my life and relationship history has basically been living proof of everything you say!

 

But the thing is - I can't do it!

 

I had it all in South Africa - great girl, great job, great life. And I tried so hard. I tried so hard to be everything she wanted me to be! To 'reign it in', to 'tone it down', to put on chinos and a polo and not sing at the karaoke ....and god I loved her but it was too high a price! It wasn't me! It made me SO miserable!

 

I don't say this because it sounds needy but god I want so badly to have someone in my life that I can count on, that'll be there at the end of the day, that wants to make a tomorrow with me and most of all loves me, for me!

 

And I hear it so much, and I know people mean it in the best possible way, but It feels a bit ***** to constantly hear what is essentially "if you were only different someone could love you".

 

I am me, I'm not like other blokes, I know that! I've known that since I was 7 years old! I've always been different. I'd hate to think that's going to mean a lifetime of being by myself. I'd desperately love a family. But I also can't live a lifetime of faking to be someone that I'm not! I am what I am, for better or worse!

[d0nnivain]

Nobody is asking you to be fake. We are asking you to show stability. For example, if you are hardworking & save money, live frugally so there is a financial stability under there, that may be enough. If you live pay check to pay check & have long periods of unemployment because you'd rather play, you are going to have a hard time supporting a family. Thus smart women may be reluctant to start a family with you.

[JontySeal]

Assuming you two are around the same age, 3 years ago she was only 22. You were a worldly man & she was a wide eyed girl who was easily influenced by others. She saw the behind closed doors version of you while everyone else only saw the boisterous façade. They gave her grief possibly about your ambitions (or what they perceived as a lack of ambition because every job you mentioned isn't exactly a long term career that you can support a family on) and your seeming inability to be grounded -- again your various jobs took you many places but don't add up to you setting down roots. In your early 20s I think people need wings not roots so it's not a criticism from me but an explanation about why her friends & family discouraged her.

Yeah very true, we were young back then really (one of those weird things where you never feel young at the time until you look back on it).

 

(I also don't mean to sound like I don't understand why people think those things about me. I get it. I'm an unconventional guy from an unconventional background, with nowhere or no one to call home. I get why people are wary!)

 

In the 3 years since you broke up, you haven't moved very far because she could still contact you & you were able to rush right over.

Well, I went to south africa, for a while but Im back now. I've got some good friends local so, makes sense to come back here.

 

She probably became increasing unhappy because these well meaning people steered her wrong.

Isn't that a tale as old as time!

 

Now she's at a point where she is self harming. Where her head is right now is NOT a good place for a relationship to begin. She's got to get her head screwed on straight before anything can happen. You can't start a healthy relationship while she's so broken.

Yeah yeah, like I say she's not still doing that. It was a one time thing but toatlly the extreme action comes from obviously being in a bad place for a long while. Obviously I dont want to be the kind of jerk that moves in on a girl while shes feeling vulnerable.

But I dont know, I like hanging out with her again!

[JontySeal]

Nobody is asking you to be fake. We are asking you to show stability. For example, if you are hardworking & save money, live frugally so there is a financial stability under there, that may be enough. If you live pay check to pay check & have long periods of unemployment because you'd rather play, you are going to have a hard time supporting a family. Thus smart women may be reluctant to start a family with you.

When haven't I though!? Like i've been totally on my own since I was 15, and I've managed! I've always worked, I've always supported myself. I've travelled, I've lived abroad, I've always found a way to get by. I've always found something to smile about.

 

So it's hard for me to get why, like some, some chino's and polo lad, straight of uni with a criminology degree and a job in a call centre, who's parents bought him a car, but don't know about his tribal tattoo... is deemed so much more 'secure' or 'stable'.

 

But no one would say that to a guy like that because he's so much more 'conventional'.

 

It's not that I don't get it. People like what they know. I know that my brain doesn't work like everyone else. It's just that sometimes, I'd never say it in my real life, but sometimes it feels really unfair. I'm not going to cry about it, it is what it is, i just feel like i get mis understood a lot.

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to have a degree or chinos & a golf shirt. Again it's good to have wings & adventures when you are young. But once you have kids spur of the moment relocations will no longer be a reality. I didn't settle down when I was younger & I don't have kids in part because I knew I was too selfish to make the sacrifices necessary to be a good parent.

 

 

All of this is projection at this point. See where her head is at. Do make sure that the self harm was a one time thing. If she is otherwise stable, ask her out.

[JontySeal]

You don't have to have a degree or chinos & a golf shirt. Again it's good to have wings & adventures when you are young. But once you have kids spur of the moment relocations will no longer be a reality. I didn't settle down when I was younger & I don't have kids in part because I knew I was too selfish to make the sacrifices necessary to be a good parent.

You know when you're like 13 and people ask you what you want to be and you say like a footballer or a pilot? The truth is when, I pictured my future, the only thing that I ever deeply wanted to be was a dad.

You know, like, football practice & pancakes on a Saturday morning, a enough christmas lights to need sunglasses and big family bbqs with grandkids and the works y'know? ...I think about that kind of stuff. I dont mean to sound ungrateful, I had the best mother anyone could ever have had, and if she was still alive I would have striven to provide for her everything that she deserved in this life. But to have a proper big family, like, that'd be the most important thing in the world to me!

 

But I'm still going to be the guy who sings in the supermarket aisle, and wants to see if he can build a boat out of plastic bottles and wears that bright shirt that everyone seems to hate!

 

And sometimes it feels like in this life - you can't have both!

 

 

 

All of this is projection at this point. See where her head is at. Do make sure that the self harm was a one time thing. If she is otherwise stable, ask her out.

Takes such a ton of courage though doesn't it. To take a shot on someone that's hurt you before. To put yourself potentially back in the exact same position.

 

But I hate the fact that i feel like Im starting to put walls up in general, that I'm starting to feel any and every girl is going to be exactly like all the others, I absolutely don't want to be that cynical!

[Ruby Slippers]

I have a friend who's a major globetrotter and adventurer. Eventually she became a scuba instructor in Thailand, met her European husband there doing the same.

 

They got married, bought a house in the countryside of his country for $25,000, totally rehabbed the whole house themselves, and had some adorable kids. They spend summers at their house, and the rest of the year globetrotting and teaching scuba diving in various tropical paradises, also make underwater videos for their students, sell their underwater photography.

 

Every old sock meets an old shoe

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, I'd be very careful about assuming her cutting is "over" and "past."

 

Uh ... I don't think so. I don't think people randomly cut themselves one day ... and then don't do it again ... In any case, your job now is to identify that as a red flag ... push yourself past your intoxication to consider that she might be a lot more troubled (and a lot different) than you imagined. Just at least open your mind and curiosity to such.

 

Another red flag of course is that she apparently (in your view) dumped you because of the opinions of others. Major, major, major, major red flag. I'm sorry bending on something as important as a partner (even at 22) because of the views of others? ... Not the emotional makeup of a good partner. If anything she's supposed to be rebelling against brother and friends while younger ... Don't forgive her dumping you without a clear explanation ... Do NOT let that one go.

 

And if you decide to ignore the above, I'd say its time to find out what she's feeling about you ... sending you the right signals ... I don't know--I think you want more than signals. Here's a question ... Why did she call YOU (about the cutting)? Did you ask her that? That holds the key to understanding some ... about where her head is.

[JontySeal]

I have a friend who's a major globetrotter and adventurer. Eventually she became a scuba instructor in Thailand, met her European husband there doing the same.

 

They got married, bought a house in the countryside of his country for $25,000, totally rehabbed the whole house themselves, and had some adorable kids. They spend summers at their house, and the rest of the year globetrotting and teaching scuba diving in various tropical paradises, also make underwater videos for their students, sell their underwater photography.

 

Every old sock meets an old shoe

 

Does she have a sister!?

 

That sounds amazing!! What a life!!

[JontySeal]

Look, I'd be very careful about assuming her cutting is "over" and "past."

...

In any case, your job now is to identify that as a red flag ... push yourself past your intoxication to consider that she might be a lot more troubled (and a lot different) than you imagined.

Oh no I get that! You’re right she’s obviously a lot more troubled than what I ever knew three years ago! I’d never of dreamed she’d ever of done that!

But that in its own doesn’t scream red flag to me. Life’s hard, people aren’t perfect, that’s nit something that makes me turn tail and run for hills!

 

Another red flag of course is that she apparently (in your view) dumped you because of the opinions of others. Major, major, major, major red flag. I'm sorry bending on something as important as a partner (even at 22) because of the views of others?

This on the other hand is a ‘red flag’ to me!! I’ve never begged anyone to stay in my life if they don’t want to be there! It’s that whole fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me thing! I feel like I supported her for everything she was and didn’t get the same in return. I feel like what stops that exact same outcome occurring again? It’s the biggest stumbling block for me!

 

Here's a question ... Why did she call YOU (about the cutting)? Did you ask her that? That holds the key to understanding some ... about where her head is.

I did! I wondered that too! We hadn’t spoken one on one in forever!!

 

She said she was feeling powerless and misunderstood but that as soon as she did it she just felt really stupid and hated what she’d done.

She went for her phone, knew she needed someone and she said, in the moment, the only person she wanted there was me. Rattled off that I’m the only one who’d understand her, only one that really sees her.

She reckoned I wouldn’t judge her, or feel let down by her the way some of the other people in her life might!

She also said to me (this was what she said to me in the actual night Itself when we were laying in bed) that she knew I’d come, even after all this time! She knew I’d come and she knew I’d know how to. “Fix it”

[Sparkes]

Why don't you actually lay that on the table then and tell her?

 

I don't see what you stand to lose by being completely upfront? You don't like her answer, you walk away!

 

It strikes me that your natural next move seems like it would be to 'kiss her', in your own words, which to me seems an odd move. You're confident you can attract women, you're confident you can attract her, so what do you prove to her or yourself by kissing her?

 

Surely to get a different result you need to approach this differently than usual

 

Talk to her!

[JontySeal]

Why don't you actually lay that on the table then and tell her?

 

I don't see what you stand to lose by being completely upfront? You don't like her answer, you walk away!

 

It strikes me that your natural next move seems like it would be to 'kiss her', in your own words, which to me seems an odd move. You're confident you can attract women, you're confident you can attract her, so what do you prove to her or yourself by kissing her?

 

Surely to get a different result you need to approach this differently than usual

 

Talk to her!

 

Haha yeah you're not wrong, that does make sense, I guess....

 

Maybe I should. A girl told me once that I 'sell myself short' because I don't talk about my feelings enough, I guess she thought I don't show people that side enough!

And maybe Its true.

 

I'm not sure quite what I'd say though

"Hey, I like you but I'm kinda worried that you'll just get fed up of me again, and I'm not sure I quite know how to get past that"

...Feel like that just sounds so heavy, and a lot of pressure to put on someone else!

[LenaRea]

Hiya there, JS. You are so effervescent and engaging...even from a LS thread! Anyone would be fortunate to have you in their life, in their corner, and I’m guessing extremely honored if they can call you a friend. I would venture no one knows how to live in the moment more than you!!

 

That said, I would caution your exuberance with re-engaging this girl beyond friendship. I know “you” don’t feel like you’re continuing in any sort of therapist/parental/savior role, but she more than likely feels differently. It’s wonderful she was able to call on you in that terrible moment, we all need people in our lives who can accept us at our weakest and be non-judgemental. Those are difficult people to find.

 

I feel there are two different elements at play which you need to look out for - first, I would be very cautious and careful given she DID NOT call someone she typically relies on or is more of a mainstay in her day to day. The fact that she called someone outside of her daily life, despite the non-judgment aspect, doesn’t really bode well for a future. There’s a high probability she is using your goodwill for now, till she’s made it through this little rough patch and then she will move on without having had to share this with anyone in her daily life. Much like a therapist. BUT the fact that she doesn’t plan on sharing this with anyone else because “it was a one time thing” screams to me of an actual ongoing issue that she does not want to address. Calling someone in her daily life would force her to address it, calling you allows her off the hook.

 

Second, you need to be careful you don’t get sucked in because you were “the one who saved her.” The Florence Nightingale Effect is real. That’s why people are trained to deal with situations and people in her circumstances. Keep in mind the mindfekk that can occur when someone you thought as aloof or cold or someone who hurt you as she did, how it can screw with you to see her so vulnerable. So hurt and so much in need. This is not who she actually is, it was a moment. It can be a crazy conundrum that occurs - you fall because she needed you, she feels a bit of a crush too because you saved her, you fall deeper because she seems to be falling, THEN...she starts to feel better, doesn’t need you anymore, which you don’t see coming and it all ends worse than before. It’s not a positive that she only told you. (Wonderful as you are! Because you are most definitely wonderful!! - both blessing and curse.) BUT THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG!!!

 

Question - does anyone know about your re-connected relationship? Anyone in her life, specifically? Especially, any of the folks who disapproved previously? Have the two of you been spending time together with any of her friends?

 

Just be careful, because good as it all feels now, usually circumstances like this are built on a shoreline with high tide about to rush in to bury it all.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm not sure quite what I'd say though

"Hey, I like you but I'm kinda worried that you'll just get fed up of me again, and I'm not sure I quite know how to get past that"

...Feel like that just sounds so heavy, and a lot of pressure to put on someone else!

 

You shorten.

Hey I like you. I'm enjoying time together. I like X and Y. (You want to lay this out so you yourself can hear your thinking.) But I'm a little cautious here given our past. Tell me what you're feeling about us."

 

Of course, you're afraid of getting dumped again! ... That goes without saying ... so just say that simply. You will have to risk if you want to resume with this woman. No way around that. And that's OK. You may find out (YOU this time) that it's not a sustainable relationship.

 

BTW: you want to wait to hear some overwhelming clarity and passion from her before getting back together. If she's the least bit hesitant, walk.

[JontySeal]

Hiya there, JS. You are so effervescent and engaging...even from a LS thread! Anyone would be fortunate to have you in their life, in their corner, and I’m guessing extremely honored if they can call you a friend. I would venture no one knows how to live in the moment more than you!!

Thank you! Honestly that means a lot to me!

 

I know “you” don’t feel like you’re continuing in any sort of therapist/parental/savior role, but she more than likely feels differently.

Yeah that’s an interesting point!

 

I would be very cautious and careful given she DID NOT call someone she typically relies on or is more of a mainstay in her day to day ... BUT the fact that she doesn’t plan on sharing this with anyone else because “it was a one time thing” screams to me of an actual ongoing issue that she does not want to address. Calling someone in her daily life would force her to address it, calling you allows her off the hook.

Yeah for sure I hear you! She trusts me as well, she knows she could call me then and I wouldn’t make gossip of it, which would be her worse nightmare!

 

I do hear what you’re saying though! I think obviously I’ve psycho analyse myself here way more than her because, I’m the one writing this thread! But if you actually want my take on her problems... she makes herself an island! She wants to come off so tough, so she acts like this lone wolf and holds everyone at arms length until they just stop trying! And yet that doesn’t make you tough! Tough is laying everything you’ve got out there for everyone to see! And I’ve told her all this! And yet the reality is, the reason I dated this girl in the first place is there’s this whole other side to her.. shes funny, she’s adventurous and she’s got probably one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know! She cares so deeply, she just doesn’t let the world see what is actually the best of her!

It’s too much though, no one can live like that, no one can do it all alone.. so it’s no surprised she crumbled! Although it does still surprise me she crumbled so dramatically!

 

 

Keep in mind the mindfekk that can occur when someone you thought as aloof or cold or someone who hurt you as she did, how it can screw with you to see her so vulnerable. So hurt and so much in need.

Wow! You know this is all kinds of accurate!

I Was totally over this girl! I had what was my most serious ever relationship post breaking up with her (she actually hasn’t seriously dated anyone since me). I didn’t think I was still holding any resentment, yet even when I got in the car to drive to hers I was thinking like ‘damn people would think I’m such a mug’ and yet the second I walked it and saw her, I completely forgave her her!

 

I think it has shifted our relationship dynamic a bit too! I mean I’ve seen who she is behind closed doors, I thought I knew her! But to hear her absolutely pour her heart out like that and then she held onto me like she never had, like she was holding on for dear life.... how do you not feel closer to someone after that?you just do don’t you!

 

Our relationship doesn’t feel majorly different post that compared to first time around though, except for the fact that she is more touchy than she was and a little bit more open, she seems more open to talk about the things that stress her out or whatever!

 

This is not who she actually is, it was a moment. It can be a crazy conundrum that occurs - you fall because she needed you, she feels a bit of a crush too because you saved her, you fall deeper because she seems to be falling, THEN...she starts to feel better, doesn’t need you anymore, which you don’t see coming and it all ends worse than before. It’s not a positive that she only told you. (Wonderful as you are! Because you are most definitely wonderful!! - both blessing and curse.) BUT THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG!!!

How do you know? How do you know if second time around, older and wiser, we just click better or if it’s actually just a chase I’d rhis ‘bonding moment’

 

Question - does anyone know about your re-connected relationship? Anyone in her life, specifically? Especially, any of the folks who disapproved previously? Have the two of you been spending time together with any of her friends?

She keeps a very tight inner circle! Only people that know are the two people I would expect her to talk to, her best mate and her kid sister (I think she just told them we’re hanging out, not about the self harm or any of that). Her best friend is the one who caused 99% of our problems before but her kid sister is actually in dog the only people that genuinely really supported our relationship! (She was always Team Jonty )

[JontySeal]

You shorten.

Hey I like you. I'm enjoying time together. I like X and Y. (You want to lay this out so you yourself can hear your thinking.) But I'm a little cautious here given our past. Tell me what you're feeling about us."

 

Of course, you're afraid of getting dumped again! ... That goes without saying ... so just say that simply. You will have to risk if you want to resume with this woman. No way around that. And that's OK. You may find out (YOU this time) that it's not a sustainable relationship.

 

BTW: you want to wait to hear some overwhelming clarity and passion from her before getting back together. If she's the least bit hesitant, walk.

Hmmm okay! Maybe you’re right!! I’ll talk to her.. I’m off to Croatia for a few days so maybe I’ll try and have a more serious chat with her when I get back!...

[Foxhall]

" a rolling stone catches no moss"

 

 

At any rate, who says that the path of love should run smoothly, plenty of ups and downs along the way,

 

 

I think Taylor and yourself have quite a good bond there,

 

 

it looks worth exploring further as they say.

[LenaRea]

I didn’t think I was still holding any resentment, yet even when I got in the car to drive to hers I was thinking like ‘damn people would think I’m such a mug’ and yet the second I walked it and saw her, I completely forgave her her!

 

How do you know? How do you know if second time around, older and wiser, we just click better or if it’s actually just a chase I’d rhis ‘bonding moment’

 

She keeps a very tight inner circle! Only people that know are the two people I would expect her to talk to, her best mate and her kid sister (I think she just told them we’re hanging out, not about the self harm or any of that). Her best friend is the one who caused 99% of our problems before but her kid sister is actually in dog the only people that genuinely really supported our relationship! (She was always Team Jonty )

 

Jonty, you sound so amazing! This girl (any girl for that matter) would be so lucky to have you choose them! I love how open and honest and non-cynical you are!! It’s a breath of fresh air, frankly.

 

Look, you are right, we can’t ever know for sure until we try to lay it all out there and on the line! If she means that much to you, you definitely should give it a shot. As long as you go in with both eyes open, with an open heart, and full honesty you should have a better start than many.

 

No one can live permanently as an island - the toll it takes is too much for anyone to bear all alone. I’m glad she’s at least told several of those close to her that the two of you have reconnected. My worry was the possibility of her keeping you as much of a secret as the self harming. It’s a positive sign, to me anyway, that you’re not being kept under wraps.

 

Keep us posted - I’m really looking forward to hearing how this all plays out. You truly seem so lovely, loving, and like the real deal.

 

I wish you well in luck and love!!!