"Hope dies last". How to lose hope?

[JuneL]

Okay, that’s your issue: too much porn!

[gaius]

Honestly Reaper I don't know you so I can't really give you any kind of guess that would be helpful. It could be many things.

 

When I was younger I used to get blue in the face during health class when they would talk about penis and vagina, I didn't masturbate let alone date till I was in mid- twenties and I pushed away every girl that showed any interest in me. I had no idea what was going on with me for a long time. I didn't even know if my penis worked in that regard.

 

Turns out when I was a baby I had a hernia surgery that ended up destroying one of my testicles. I had known this all my life but read the medical records for the first time in my mid twenties. Apparently after the surgery I was in agonizing pain for a few months while it slowly died down there. My mother never bothered to take me back to the doctor for months as she assumed I was just a whiny baby. Kind of put in perspective all of a sudden why I was so uncomfortable with any kind of activity down there.

 

Anyway, I ended up slowly working my way through it and getting comfortable with sex. Not that that's what happened with you, but there might be something you're not fully aware of going on and if you can figure out what it is you might be able to get to a point where you get past it. And actually want to be with a woman.

[losangelena]

You sound like you need a therapist to help you work on your crippling anxiety.

 

A professional therapist—not Love Shack.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

OP, Google porn addiction. It causes all sorts of problems. If you can't make it through a day without masturbating to pornography at least once, sometimes more, and your porn "interests" are getting more and more "out in the woods," you probably are addicted and it's doing you no good at all.

[JuneL]

Okay, that’s your issue: too much porn!

 

To add, you should quit porn for a few days leading up to the date.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Honestly Reaper I don't know you so I can't really give you any kind of guess that would be helpful. It could be many things.

 

When I was younger I used to get blue in the face during health class when they would talk about penis and vagina, I didn't masturbate let alone date till I was in mid- twenties and I pushed away every girl that showed any interest in me. I had no idea what was going on with me for a long time. I didn't even know if my penis worked in that regard.

 

Turns out when I was a baby I had a hernia surgery that ended up destroying one of my testicles. I had known this all my life but read the medical records for the first time in my mid twenties. Apparently after the surgery I was in agonizing pain for a few months while it slowly died down there. My mother never bothered to take me back to the doctor for months as she assumed I was just a whiny baby. Kind of put in perspective all of a sudden why I was so uncomfortable with any kind of activity down there.

 

Anyway, I ended up slowly working my way through it and getting comfortable with sex. Not that that's what happened with you, but there might be something you're not fully aware of going on and if you can figure out what it is you might be able to get to a point where you get past it. And actually want to be with a woman.

 

Wow man. What a struggle that must have been. I'm sorry to hear that you went through it. How did you get where you needed to be? Was it through therapy? Or through just working on getting out of your comfort zone if you don't mind me asking?

 

You sound like you need a therapist to help you work on your crippling anxiety.

 

A professional therapist—not Love Shack.

 

Just out of curiosity: when you're about to go on a first date, do you not feel the feelings to the extent I described? I don't know what my problem is honestly. I have problems with assertiveness and being too agreeable 100% unless I'm totally comfortable with someone. And another big issue with talking and being comfortable with women I don't know. Do you think professional therapy will help with these issues?

 

OP, Google porn addiction. It causes all sorts of problems. If you can't make it through a day without masturbating to pornography at least once, sometimes more, and your porn "interests" are getting more and more "out in the woods," you probably are addicted and it's doing you no good at all.

 

I just did, and wow. I'm making the decision AT THIS MOMENT to cut porn out of my life entirely, and reducing masturbation drastically to 2-3 times at the most in the shower only. I didn't realize how much of an effect it could have on my brain- let alone my physiology. I'm going to focus on keagle exercises every other day as well, as alot of the sources I read about ED at my age recommended them. If only I would have known this before...

[losangelena]

Just out of curiosity: when you're about to go on a first date, do you not feel the feelings to the extent I described? I don't know what my problem is honestly. I have problems with assertiveness and being too agreeable 100% unless I'm totally comfortable with someone. And another big issue with talking and being comfortable with women I don't know. Do you think professional therapy will help with these issues?

 

No, what you’re describing sounds like extreme social anxiety. I may feel a few butterflies in the stomach, but nothing that debilitating.

 

In a word, yes, this is something therapy can help with. Cognitive behavioral therapy in particular.

 

OP, I’m curious. How old are you? How to you fare at work, or with friends? Are these issues that extend past your dating life?

[bachdude]

I've been in that embarrassing situation.

 

I just completely cut the porn and stopped slapping the monkey every day.

 

I felt like a new man - it totally solved the problem. I felt like a teenager again in high school - crawling out of my skin. Haha

 

After a couple months hiatus I was able to do a second round I was so geared up.

 

Stay away from that crap and you'll feel that testosterone rushing through your veins again. It's tough but you'll feel younger.

 

Give a try, man but give it at least a couple months for your brain to rewire.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

No, what you’re describing sounds like extreme social anxiety. I may feel a few butterflies in the stomach, but nothing that debilitating.

 

In a word, yes, this is something therapy can help with. Cognitive behavioral therapy in particular.

 

OP, I’m curious. How old are you? How to you fare at work, or with friends? Are these issues that extend past your dating life?

 

Wow, that's very eye-opening. I kind of jot alot of emotions I feel (like a slight unease when walking into a store, uncomfortable to the point of unfocused thought when talking to bosses, or an almost nervous feeling when I think about an attractive woman interacting with me if I'm not "formally introduced") down as "meh. everyone feels these things, but go through with it. So can I", and just assumed other people were better at it than me.

 

I'm 32, and a LITTLE backstory that might put things into abit of a perspective. I was homeschooled through high school which I blame alot for my lack of skills when dealing with social challenges. There was a time in my life (about 17-22) where I smoked alot of weed, rarely left the house, didn't work, and played alot of video games. When comparing my situation now to how I was then, I believe you'd have a hard time ever believing that, and I admit that "hermit" period in my life to noone that doesn't already know. But there ARE times I feel like people think that I'm.. "different".

 

I fare pretty well at work, but admittedly struggle in certain aspects. As I've stated previously, I struggle with assertiveness- definitely. Outside of doing my job, my main focus in terms of the social dynamic where I work is to get others to "like" me. If I have a disagreement with someone, if it's with certain people, I'll talk to them alone, but if it's someone I feel might become aggressive, I'm more likely to drop it rather than go through the "hassle" of arguing my point. And never in front of people. It's not for nothing however; I DO have the respect of all of my peers and even my bosses for being a genuinely "good" guy, that's understanding and isn't quick to anger. I get along with everyone- when some of the guys I work with you can't even stick in the same room.

 

In terms of friends: I've got a handful of close friends. And we're good. I'd almost say I'm MORE sociable than most of them. On a good night out, I'll even be the one that will ask someone for their number.

 

But in general, I WILL say I have afew struggles that I don't believe others struggle with. I have trouble with eye-contact for one. Sometimes maintaining it, but most times I feel like THEY get uncomfortable with MY eye contact, which kinda makes me feel like I'm never as close to people as OTHERS get to them. And another one is belly laughing. I don't know if this has anything to do with anything, but I can't belly laugh at ALL. I used to be able to when I was younger, but rarely do I feel like I'm really laughing with people. Almost like it's fake when other people's laughter is real.

 

Anyway.. sorry for the long "book". I really really appreciate you.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

I've been in that embarrassing situation.

 

I just completely cut the porn and stopped slapping the monkey every day.

 

I felt like a new man - it totally solved the problem. I felt like a teenager again in high school - crawling out of my skin. Haha

 

After a couple months hiatus I was able to do a second round I was so geared up.

 

Stay away from that crap and you'll feel that testosterone rushing through your veins again. It's tough but you'll feel younger.

 

Give a try, man but give it at least a couple months for your brain to rewire.

 

So these stories I keep reading about how it's almost life changing (in a good way) AREN'T bs. <3 Last night was the last time I did, and even going through the day today knowing I'm making this change has given me a weird confidence boost. lol. Thanks for the input and I'm super stoked to see what this is going to do for me.

 

And not to get too personal- but hope much did you reduce masterbating by before you began noticing benefits? I mostly do it out of boredom after work to be honest, so I'm hoping cutting it back to about twice a week at most won't be too hard.

Edited April 17, 2019 by ReaperOfTheGrim

[bachdude]

So these stories I keep reading about how it's almost life changing (in a good way) AREN'T bs. <3 Last night was the last time I did, and even going through the day today knowing I'm making this change has given me a weird confidence boost. lol. Thanks for the input and I'm super stoked to see what this is going to do for me.

 

And not to get too personal- but hope much did you reduce masterbating by before you began noticing benefits? I mostly do it out of boredom after work to be honest, so I'm hoping cutting it back to about twice a week at most won't be too hard.

 

Nope, not BS at all, at least not in my case. Yes, it is a confidence boost. And you'll likely be more assertive with the ladies too - instead of sitting around for a month self-pleasuring as you chat it up on dating sites you'll be thinking, "Dang, let's get this show on the road!" You'll be more concerned with not coming on too aggressively or giving the impression you are only after one thing.

 

What you need to return is the incredible excitement at the prospect of just seeing a naked female body - a real, live person, not an image on a screen.

 

No, it's a total ok question. I actually went cold turkey on 'buttering the 'ol corn' haha and started to notice a difference after one month but it got better and better after that. But I imagine it is different for everyone. It depends how deep into it the guy is. I suggest going cold turkey. Your brain is so conditioned to associate sexual excitement with self-pleasure with a vid that you need a complete 'reboot'. You can do it, man! Sure, there will be times you are going out of your mind that you just have to get out the poison - you're only human - but keep it to the absolute minimum and never again with the porn. Anyway, I was really motivated after being so embarrassed and realizing how much of my manhood that stuff was stealing from me. Kick it to the curb.

 

And maybe it's a good time to chuck the cancer sticks and get on an exercise plan. Extra belly fat reduces testosterone. I also started exercising and it also seemed to help.

 

I hope this is an encouragement to ya!

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Quick question: I'm going to text her tomorrow. I mean screw it. I have nothing to lose, right? And at this point, I'm not TOO concerned over whether or not she replies, but it would be nice. And I kinda feel like I owe her an actual good time..

 

Anyway- I'd like hearing y'alls ideas on what might be a decent text to send? I mean.. could just ask "what's up" but meh. Could go on a spill about how "it really works I was just tired" or asking her out again but those seem kinda needy. During the date, watching the upcoming season of game of thrones together was a big topic of discussion, so maybe just asking what she thought of the most recent episode like nothing even happened?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I like the Game of Thrones idea. If she doesn't respond, don't try again.

[Inspire]

Making eye contact is a huge deal. If you can't look at women in the eyes it says you're timid and not confident. You should be looking at them, not staring them down.

 

Being up for a long stretch, not being fully comfortable and having not been with someone for awhile could have just as easily contributed to the performance issues you had. Don't overthink it.

 

Cutting back on porn and masturbation will definitely help with your drive. It doesn't mean you have to stop entirely, but I would cut back. Masturbating twice a day consistently is a lot IMO.

[kamani]

Reaper, when you're really attracted to a woman it doesn't matter whether you have anxiety or that you're shy, your body will make it happen. But in this case yours did the exact opposite. You had to drag yourself to even go out on the date and she had to move things along.

 

It's likely she sensed the lack of primal desire for her when you had sex, hence the loss of interest. Women can be very intuitive in bed. If not being proactive is a common occurrence I would suggest starting some deep self reflection and try to figure out what's going on with you on a sexual level. Exactly what it is that's holding you back.

 

 

Ditto to this.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Making eye contact is a huge deal. If you can't look at women in the eyes it says you're timid and not confident. You should be looking at them, not staring them down.

 

Being up for a long stretch, not being fully comfortable and having not been with someone for awhile could have just as easily contributed to the performance issues you had. Don't overthink it.

 

Cutting back on porn and masturbation will definitely help with your drive. It doesn't mean you have to stop entirely, but I would cut back. Masturbating twice a day consistently is a lot IMO.

 

The eye contact throughout that night was great. We maintained eye-contact throughout all of our conversations, and it was definitely building chemistry the entire time. When we got to my place, we played my guitars, she sang afew songs to show me, and we shared lots of things for hours. There was such a strong sense of a "future" that even that night, I didn't doubt I'd see her again for a second. And not even in a relationship, but more just things being said. "I'm going to learn this song because we can play it together". "We both have this simple thing on our bucket list we should do together". "That restaurant has awesome burgers. I'll have to show you". Bearing in mind she was the one saying most if not all of these things. I think that may contribute to why I'm taking it bad.

 

I've reduced masturbation to once a week max, and the last time I did it, it was with very small amount of porn to see how erect I could really get and if there was a problem there. It SEEMED fine. But I'm still cutting the porn and reducing masturbation.

 

Ditto to this.

 

Well what in the hell can I do?? :( I mean.. my lack of pressing for what I want really had very little to do with her. I'm like that in all areas of my life, from career, to love, to even being a customer at restaurants.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

So I've set up a date for tonight as per the advice on here. Although- I’m not very excited about it. She’s even more attractive and obviously shows far more interest in me than this girl that disappeared on me. But I can’t seem to think about anything but this girl from last week. It’s at a stage where I know it’s unreasonable. I know I shouldn’t have my thoughts filled with her and what happened. But I simply can NOT. STOP. thinking about her and the situation.

 

This weekend I did things that should have been great fun, and should have taken my mind off of it at least for afew hours. I played 5 hours of golf for the first time with friends. We had a big bbq that included afew games and tournaments. The entire time, my thoughts have been absolutely dominated by this girl that I had only a single date with, how I failed in something that should have come so natural for me as a man, and how if I HADN’T failed, everything would be ok right now. And truth be told, even looking back at her, I know she wasn’t anything special. I know that even at the time we were talking- I was having reservations about whether she was someone I’d even be interested in a long term sense. But knowing these things has done nothing to quell my current pain at all.

 

It’s gotten to a point where I cannot stomach being at home. I can’t watch movies or television shows. It’s Sunday night right now, and I’m sitting at home writing this, and there’s a wave of gloom that washes over me- knowing that I’m about to start the work week and be locked in the home/work/home/work cycle for afew days. But even when I’m at work and naturally anticipating the end of the work day’s freedom and the ability to return home; I shudder at the thought of walking into my house. Almost like I’d prefer just staying at work rather than coming home where this newfound loneliness is waiting for me.

 

I’m starting to think I’ve got issues on a much deeper level than I know. I mean.. why after a single date am I having such intense and emotional feelings about this? I’ve almost gotten to the point of crying occasionally on afew days since I’ve found out I’ve been rejected. What’s been putting me on the brink of crying these few days is the thought that she’s gone. “She”, being someone that didn’t mean much to me to begin with. But suddenly every text of our past conversations hold much more significance than they actually do, and this newly developed way of thinking; that I have nothing. Could this date, and subsequent rejection have triggered something eternally in me that’s been lying dormant? These intense emotions can’t be common, can they? For the simple fact that she was able to walk away so easily, and the common sense idea that today’s people can hookup so easily and be divorced of emotion.. this has got to be something I’m experiencing alone, right?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think you read way too much into her comments that night. You are passive and a deep thinker. She sounds very extroverted and a "manic pixie dream girl" type. She is leading and making all the moves but they have little meaning to her on a deeper level. She talks about all the things you will do in the future and then forgets about it a second later.

 

 

Just the way she invited herself over and so on shows me that she has done this before with who knows how many online guys. For you on the other hand, this had some huge meaning. This is a typical introvert/extrovert disconnect.

 

 

Advice that you got here on "not texting the next day" is meaningless and you can totally discard. No girl would drop you over this. Ever. The ED issue probably is a bit of a problem. Having been on a receiving end of this, it kind of ruins all the passion and fun out of sex. Unless there was a huge connection built up beforehand, I would also consider bailing. She sounds like the type that has a lot of options. First few dates, you can easily get dropped for anything at all so the ED thing is unfortunate.

[Purepony]

You’re crapped out because you weren’t expecting this and it caught you off guard don’t worry about it just chalk it up and keep going

 

These are the potholes in the road of online dating

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

I think you read way too much into her comments that night. You are passive and a deep thinker. She sounds very extroverted and a "manic pixie dream girl" type. She is leading and making all the moves but they have little meaning to her on a deeper level. She talks about all the things you will do in the future and then forgets about it a second later.

 

 

Just the way she invited herself over and so on shows me that she has done this before with who knows how many online guys. For you on the other hand, this had some huge meaning. This is a typical introvert/extrovert disconnect.

 

 

Advice that you got here on "not texting the next day" is meaningless and you can totally discard. No girl would drop you over this. Ever. The ED issue probably is a bit of a problem. Having been on a receiving end of this, it kind of ruins all the passion and fun out of sex. Unless there was a huge connection built up beforehand, I would also consider bailing. She sounds like the type that has a lot of options. First few dates, you can easily get dropped for anything at all so the ED thing is unfortunate.

 

It's that easy to pick up on, huh? That I'm an overthinker? It's been a terrible trait to have, and has caused me absolute heartbreak in the past (and present). From ruminating on the past in almost fantastical proportions, to stopping me from improving aspects of my life now.

 

And as far as the ghosting; I mean.. the writing's on the wall. It's clear as day to me from these forums, and just the situation in general that she was out looking for a hookup. It was fun and not awkward between us so we proceeded to the hookup. The hookup wasn't up to her standards, so she bailed (because that's what she was looking for in the first place). But I guess it's wrapping my head around the thought that I contain so little positives in my looks, my personality, and my situation in life in general, that my performance issues for that particular night (where I was almost falling asleep while watching tv with her) couldn't be overlooked. That that was enough to erase the month and a half of upward momentum. And I know, I know. Only a single date, and 1 month. "get over it". Trust me: I know. I've been telling myself that since the day it happened. Clearly we were (and most definitely ARE) in two totally different places about this. But I still have that nagging feeling of connection. Like at the VERY least, we were friends that shared alot of interests and truly enjoyed just talking to each other. And of course that leads to a desire to text her saying some crap like "hey. I didn't feel the date went TOO bad, but if you've got something going on or were feeling some type of way about it, it's no problem. I'd still like talking to you". And even as true as that is, I know better and that it just puts off a gross needy vibe.

 

You’re crapped out because you weren’t expecting this and it caught you off guard don’t worry about it just chalk it up and keep going

 

These are the potholes in the road of online dating

 

I really appreciate that, and I'm definitely trying. But I'm at such a low from this crap that it's making me feel as if dating isn't even worth it. If this is a possible outcome, feeling like this, why in the hell would I even want to risk putting myself through this again? I have a date tonight with an even more attractive woman that actually seems interested in me- yet I have no interest in meeting up in the least. Almost to the point of wanting to call and cancel the date. But I'm going to force myself, and hope that this emotional dark cloud hanging over my head doesn't lead to another situation that has me broken up for another week.

 

I apologize for sounding so damn depressing. I know it can be disheartening and frustrating to talk to people that sound like I'm sounding now. I'm really not typically a sad person in general. Just in a bad spot at the moment..

[SugarLips72]

I just had a very similar exp with a guy who came over late one night. He had a hard time keeping an election. I’m assuming he was tired. The sex was lousy not just because of that. Stuff happens. I lost interest from a couple things

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

I just had a very similar exp with a guy who came over late one night. He had a hard time keeping an election. I’m assuming he was tired. The sex was lousy not just because of that. Stuff happens. I lost interest from a couple things

 

How did he react to it? Did he become needy and continue texting you? Did you guys just not talk at all anymore? Did you have no interest in even talking to him afterwards?

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Hey guys. Let me apologize in advance for keeping this thread going. If you mods find it redundant or if I'm breaking any guidelines I may have overlooked, just let me know. But I have found that "journaling" on these forums, and getting perspective from others has really helped in a weird way that I wasn't really expecting. Anyway-

 

I went on the date with another, more mature and more attractive woman this past Monday. The date went very well. It was relatively short, but good. She texted me when getting home telling me she had a great time. I told her that I had a great time, and that I’d like seeing her again, but I haven’t heard back from her since. Ironically though, it hasn’t had much of an effect on me. My focus has gradually been pulled back to the original girl from last week that ghosted me. Although the woman I went out with last night seemed more mature, was more attractive, and less forward in her emotions, I felt like I had a far deeper connection with the previous date. On both a chemistry level, and an emotional level.

 

I felt I'd be over in a week. Then two weeks. And that's where I'm at now. And of course, like a chump, I cried pretty hard before walking into my house after work today over this. The weekend starts for me on Thursday evenings, and before even coming inside, I can see the weekend is going to be filled with me agonizing over this for the full 3 days. Like a dark cloud over anything I decide to try doing to get my mind off of it.

 

I got what would have been considered a "jackpot" for alot of guys. A good date followed by hooking up. But here I sit, fully consumed by thoughts of this girl I went on a SINGLE date with, and absolutely hating every minute of my life. (I'm sorry if I'm sounding too depressing. I know people in my current state can be sickening to talk to and hear from)

 

My long term relationship 2.5 years ago ended abruptly from my prospective. And I guess I missed it very badly. This was my first date in 2 years, first time having sex since the relationship, first time feeling a connection, chemistry, mutual attraction ect. Maybe I didn't realize how much of my soul has been yearning for those things until she produced them, then took them away so abruptly (I'm definitely NOT blaming her for doing her. This is MY problem). The talk of future "plans", similar bucket list items, and even seeming to make sure I wasn't jealous at things seemed to have subconsciously sold me, and I unintentionally projected a direction we may have been heading together.

 

I'm trying to adopt this "just move tf on. It was 1 date!" Mindset very hard. But being a relatively shy guy that has difficulties with confidence, I guess I have a really hard time shifting into that "there's plenty of fish in the sea" mindset, when meeting women (especially in my 30s) when I have such a hard time getting out of the house, and introducing myself to ANYone, but especially attractive women. It's like all I'm filled with are feelings of regret for missing the only opportunity I'd be granted in a long, long time.

[BC1980]

I don't think you're so much upset by this one girl as much as what she represents. The best thing to do is to keep talking to yourself rationally until the feelings for her pass. Because the feelings will pass pretty quickly.

 

About the more recent girl, why didn't you ask her out again?

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

I don't think you're so much upset by this one girl as much as what she represents. The best thing to do is to keep talking to yourself rationally until the feelings for her pass. Because the feelings will pass pretty quickly.

 

About the more recent girl, why didn't you ask her out again?

 

Thank you for the reponse, BC1980, and I hope/think you're right. I feel I may be taking it as rejection on a very personal level as we were talking for weeks, and seemingly very into each other on a purely conversational level (which I assumed was a good sign). But it was when we met face to face, that I was rejected. Which has tended to play into my preconceived notion that there's something wrong with not only mentally/emotionally, but physically as well. Overthinking at it's finest

 

And regarding to the most recent date, my response to her text was, "Hey, sorry I missed your text, I had my phone on silent and passed out. But it's great to hear from you. I had an awesome time and you're a really cool girl. I definitely what to see you again, when are you free to get together again?" So I certainly tried, but I got no response. Which is ok. The date was good, but the chemistry wasn't quite there in my opinion. I was sick as a dog the night I took her out, but it developed the morning of, and I wasn't going to cancel on her that close to the date. Not only that, but I'm not sitting here in this emotional state I'm in and NOT going to try doing something about it. As much as I did NOT want to go due to my sickness, and my anxiety level when expected to "perform" in general, I felt the date would help me with the emotions of being ghosted the week before. I was Partially right, even if it was very short term. But I definitely would like to take her out again. But if she doesn't respond- I'll be ok.