"Hope dies last". How to lose hope?

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

What's up guys. I'm 32 and I've been single for about 2.5 years. In that time, I've been on 2 dates. One not long after the breakup to try and help facilitate moving on, and the second, this past Friday. This most recent one was with a 28 year old attractive woman I met on a dating app. I've been on these apps and talked to quite afew people, but this is the first one I've felt inclined to actually take out.

 

We talked for over a month, shared lots of interests and never got tired of hearing from each other. We finally decided to meet up (her suggestion by the way) for dinner this past Friday. The date went very well. Great conversation and getting to know each other over the course of 3 hours, and the chemistry was where it needed to be. After dinner, we hung out outside talking some more, and decided to colbe back to my place (again. Her suggestion).

 

It all carried over once we got to my house and we made out and everything. We decided to move things to the bedroom and, it being 3 am and me having been up almost 24 hours at that point, I couldn't maintain an erection. Obviously this was one of the most humiliating things I've personally gone through. Granted- we did both get off and things seemed good between us even after that for the hour or so she hung around. She seemed to understand and sounded eager to try again some time later.

 

The following day I didn't text as to appear to not seem needy, and she'd mentioned she had to visit an uncle Saturday. On Sunday I texted her good morning since she said she enjoyed getting those texts from me during the date. After not getting a response, I texted back 6 hours later asking what was up and if she was back in town. Still nothing.

 

Now I DO have a tendency to fall hard and quick, but I feel like I'm taking this particularly hard for having only gone on one date with this girl. And it makes me sick knowing that my inadequacy that night caused me to get ghosted. Possibly the most humiliating and damaging thing I've gone through to my self esteem.

 

My current thoughts are to text her maybe in the middle of next week and just see if I can get a response without bringing anything about her ghosting me up. Thoughts on this situation? Any advice is appreciated.

[Mrin]

Just a hunch here but I think her lack of response has more to do with you not texting the next day rather than your inability to keep it up.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Just a hunch here but I think her lack of response has more to do with you not texting the next day rather than your inability to keep it up.

 

And that's what I hate. You read different things and eeeverything has something different to say on the topic. Either wait afew days, or text back immediately. Would you consider it worth trying to text back in the middle of next week some time?

[Highndry]

Just a hunch here but I think her lack of response has more to do with you not texting the next day rather than your inability to keep it up.

 

 

Yep. When you sleep with a woman, you don't ignore her the next day. Ever.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just a hunch here but I think her lack of response has more to do with you not texting the next day rather than your inability to keep it up.

 

Bingo.

 

As a woman myself - waiting 2 days to get in touch was likely what put her off, OP. Not a great idea.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Damn. Ok so I screwed up. But what do you guys think I aught to do from here?

[basil67]

Damn. Ok so I screwed up. But what do you guys think I aught to do from here?

 

Never ever go out on a date when you haven't slept for nearly 24 hours. Not texting the day after was bad, but being dog tired was also a foolish choice. Not sure there is any way forward from this.

 

For what it's worth texting the day after isn't needy. Needy is about not being demanding of her love. And the reason the 'rules' are so complex is because there are no rules. They are just random comments made by people which reflect what they think works. As different things work for different people, it stands to reason you'll get different advice.

 

I can't give you advice on how to move forward with this one.

Edited April 15, 2019 by basil67

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Never ever go out on a date when you haven't slept for nearly 24 hours. Not texting the day after was bad, but being dog tired was also a foolish choice. Not sure there is any way forward from this.

 

For what it's worth texting the day after isn't needy. Needy is about not being demanding of her love. And the reason the 'rules' are so complex is because there are no rules. They are just random comments made by people which reflect what they think works. As different things work for different people, it stands to reason you'll get different advice.

 

I can't give you advice on how to move forward with this one.

 

Thanks for the input! Sometimes I wish I'd come here asking things before I take it upon myself to make these decisions. But to be clear- our date was actually at 7 and after afew hours, we left to go to my place at 11 and by the time she left my house at 4 am and that was after waking up for work at 4 am. So it was very unintentional, and I didn't expect the date to go THAT well to be honest.

[Rockett]

Since you haven't heard back from her, why not just come clean about why you didn't text the day after? Tell her you really enjoyed spending time with her, but were foolishly following cultural "rules" of dating that say one shouldn't text the day after. Tell her you were thinking about her, and would really like to see her again if she would be willing to overlook your mistake.

 

 

I'm not saying you made a *huge* blunder, but if the wait was the reason she didn't reply, you've got nothing to lose by being honest.

 

 

 

I do agree with the others that waiting a day to contact after intimacy feels odd.

[clia]

Eh, I'm not convinced it has anything to do with him not texting the next day. While she may have been bothered/annoyed by the lack of communication, if she was really into him she would've responded anyway, IMO. And he didn't wait a week or anything -- it was essentially the next day since he had seen her that morning.

 

It's really hard to say what's going on, but sometimes when you have a marathon first date like that you wake up the next morning, rethink the date, and decide that you really aren't feeling it as much as you thought you were the night before.

 

If you aren't ready to give up yet, you have nothing to lose by reaching out one more time and asking her out. If she responds, great. If not, you know you tried your hardest. I don't think you should get into any big explanation about why you didn't text the next day, either. It sounds really beta.

[JuneL]

I’m with clia for this one: I don’t think not texting her right away was the culprit. However, my general impression is that you’ve been really passive in all this. She was the one to ask to meet up (why didn’t you initiate a first date after chatting for so long?); she was also the one to initiate going to your place.

 

Have you heard from her? If not, it’s safe to conclude she may have lost interest. If you decide to text her one last time, make sure to sound enthusiastic and tell her what a great time you had.

[losangelena]

I’m confused, OP. You said you lost your erection, but that you both got off. Can you explain that?

 

I’ve been with guys who can’t maintain, and it’s not a huge-huge deal, but yeah, for a first time, it can be a bit of a let down when it’s not very intense or exciting.

 

I feel like maybe it’s a combo of all three things—she’s having to initiate all these things, then the lackluster sex, and you waiting to follow up. If I were here, I’d be feeling “ehn” about it all.

 

Is there a reason for this lack of assertiveness?

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Really appreciate the responses and the many different perspectives! I'm overwhelmed so many of you are taking the time out of your day to read AND respond to my post. This is definitely one of the best communities I've seen on the internet.

 

During the sex, I could definitely get an erection, but when transitioning from oral to sex, it would begin to lose its fullness to the point of making it difficult. As much as I know it was from the fatigue of the day, but I'm still considering a drs appointment to see if there's something someone my age can do to fight this. I can't have this **** happen again. I'm getting a membership at the gym and going to work on quitting smoking- as I've read those can both cause this. If she had just ghosted me after the date or making out- that would have been one thing. But because I couldn't stay hard? Bad damn way to go. Probably going to effect me for awhile.

 

And as far as her assertiveness- I'm really just a shy person for the most part to be honest. I credit it to things I went through as a child, and it's something I'm actively trying to do something about, but it's definitely held me back in my career, my relationships and in this scenario as well. And not to get too "deep", but I truly believe that this is key in why it seems to be effecting me so much. I finally had the balls to go on a date. Finally had the balls to kiss her and escalate the interaction to lead to the bedroom (even if she was the one that suggested coming to my house). Then I drop the ball in such a massive way and in such a humiliating fashion.

 

My gut is pretty much telling me it's a combination of the lack of assertiveness, the playing games with the texts, and the lackluster sex that's caused her to walk away-as others have stated. But where I'm at now, I'm considering just a text at some point in the middle of the week. As afew have pointed out, "what do I have to lose, really?". We had a great time, were clearly into each other at least at one point, and shared a ton of interests. I just have to figure out where it's gonna come from. Mention that we both had a good time and got along great and I'd like to see her again, or just a what's up text lol.

[MaleIntuition]

Sorry it didn’t work out.

 

You are overanalysing this. It’s just statistics, most dates doesn’t go past the one. She didn’t ghost because of something you did but because she is a coward. Wait a week and give it One last shot - but keep your expectations in check.

 

Good luck with the gym and the quitting of smokes.

[The Outlaw]

Ghosting is disrespectful in any case, but see if she texts you back. If she doesn't, move on and try again.

[losangelena]

I’m also curious—what’s the value in trying to get a woman who ghosted you to give you another chance? I agree that you don’t have much to lose in asking her again, but she changes her mind and then what? You’ll be living in constant fear of the next time you inadvertently make a mistake and she disappears again.

 

I think you should cut your losses. Keep trying. This is not the only date you’ll ever get. Just remember that even if you’re shy, it doesn’t absolve you of meeting people halfway. If you want someone to be interested in you, you need to also convey interest. ASK the woman out before she has to do it. INITIATE physical contact or sexual intentions before the woman has to. FOLLOW-UP with them before they think you’re not interested.

[emeraldgreen]

It's a learning experience. Don't text a month before meeting up. Don't try to bang with no energy in the tank. Don't ignore her the day after coitus. Don't try to rescue a ghosting with follow up texts.

[basil67]

Reaper, you don't need a doctor. You need sleep.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

I’m also curious—what’s the value in trying to get a woman who ghosted you to give you another chance?

 

Ohhh I don't know. I'm entirely aware of the implications of willingly inviting someone capable of doing this into my life, and even I know it sounds like a bad idea. I honestly believe it's loneliness directing me towards these actions to be honest. I mean- I can talk to a ton of people I've matched with on dating apps, and I feel ABOUT as satisfied as I do not talking to anyone throughout the work week. And even going on a good date afew years back that led to nothing, I just felt great afterwards, and it didn't conjure up these negative feelings that have been brewing since going on this last date.

 

I've always gotten compliments from my friends that are always in and out of relationships for never "needing" anyone, and being fine being by myself and honestly, I'd begin thinking maybe something was wrong with me for not feeling an ounce of loneliness just doing my own thing by myself in my house alone. Then I talk to a girl that seems super interested, go on a great date, I get (somewhat) laid, and then it's like a veil is taken off my life, and I realize I am actually VERY lonely, and sitting home alone with noone then becomes nearly unbearable.

 

And it's weird. I don't know if it's because we had (what I considered at least) great conversations with lots of shared interests, and what even she called "great chemistry and a real connection", or if it's the fact that she is suddenly "unattainable" after being seemingly within reach for the duration of us talking, but there's feelings very similar to when my ex of 5 years left afew years back, where I can't get her off of my mind/ wondering if she's talking to other people/ feelings of grief, sleeplessness ect. And I don't know WHAT that's about. I mean.. I was rejected in both scenarios, so I suppose it's no big surprise the feelings would be similar, right? Granted: it's solved pretty easily in this case by saying "Gtf ahold of yourself, Josh. You were on 1 date", lol. But I don't know. This kinda stuff tends to make me feel like There's some deep-seated issues in me when it comes to growing attached and the speed in which it happens, and I don't know what to do about it.

 

All that being said, talking about it on here has been a HUGE therapy. It's only been acouple days since it's happened, but your responses and looking foward to seeing what you guys have to say about this silly crap I'm going through has ACTUALLY made a huge difference in my attitude both at work and at home.

[JuneL]

What happened to the other women online you were chatting? You never asked any of them out? Have you rejected their suggestions to meet? Perhaps you should try initiating dates with them just to practice and get used to rejections.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

What happened to the other women online you were chatting? You never asked any of them out? Have you rejected their suggestions to meet? Perhaps you should try initiating dates with them just to practice and get used to rejections.

 

 

I've actually avoided asking any from these apps and sites on dates due strictly to the nerves and anxiety that leads to a first date, if I'm being entirely honest. Now that's definitely not something I'd admit to if we were face to face, lol. And I really believe that's why I'm "stuck" on this girl after just a single date. I sucked it up. Decided I WAS going this time. Stressed about it for nearly an entire week. Bought new clothes. Fought my inner demons telling me to just cancel on her. Suck it aaalll up and end up having a great date despite my stress level leading up to it being off the charts. I'm thinking that I'm associating all those mini successes to her and giving her the credit.

 

That being said- I've had absolutely NO interest in opening those apps back up since our date. I've even had another more attractive woman that I was texting awhile back, texting lately and showing interest and I have ZERO interest in her at the moment, as I'm focused solely on this one. Idk wtf my problem is..

[Inspire]

A few points. I don't think the text was the culprit either, but for future reference, it would have been a good idea to reach out in some way, even if it was to tell her you had a great time. The last thing you want to do is to send mixed signals. Make sense?

 

I also wouldn't have waited a month before meeting up for the first time. The last thing you want to do is get too heavily invested into someone that might not be around after a first date. It can be an incredible let down.

 

You were lucky she made the move and pushed for the first date. Generally speaking, there are a lot of women that are going to be waiting on you to initiate that first meeting and your lack of assertiveness could cost you a really great catch.

[gaius]

Reaper, when you're really attracted to a woman it doesn't matter whether you have anxiety or that you're shy, your body will make it happen. But in this case yours did the exact opposite. You had to drag yourself to even go out on the date and she had to move things along.

 

It's likely she sensed the lack of primal desire for her when you had sex, hence the loss of interest. Women can be very intuitive in bed. If not being proactive is a common occurrence I would suggest starting some deep self reflection and try to figure out what's going on with you on a sexual level. Exactly what it is that's holding you back.

[JulieDtd]

This actually happened to me when I was first dating my bf!

 

We had been dating for weeks, and when we got to doing it, haha, guess he built it up too much in his head and was very nervous, so couldn't maintain it.

 

However, it was all good for me, because he spoke about it, we addressed it, and laughed about it eventually. Continued dating him and no such problems once we were closer and he was less anxious.

 

I do think it's the not texting though, because, coincidentally, my guy also started with playing texting games and didn't text often. I simply took it as disinterest and the next time he asked me out, I told him I was not interested in dating someone who didn't seem interested. He immediately dropped the act, and told me all about the rules of dating he's been reading up on, and after I understood, all was good!

 

My opinion is that (well, based on what went on in my own head during my experiences), she may 1) think you're not sexually attracted to her or not find her attractive (yes, i may have some self-esteem issues and had those thoughts about myself, was pretty sad, until he very emphatically reassured me otherwise) and you could remedy it by talking about the real reason you weren't able to maintain it.

 

2) your not texting the next day may have made her feel like you weren't that interested, and usually, the day after sex, well, some girls may be sensitive and wonder if the guy would be into them after they have "given it up". Personally, I know it's lame and very unfeminist to have such thoughts, but it is a concern I've had before. (Though, surprisingly, I've never met a jerk who just had sex and ran. Unrelated, but just wanted to speak up for men a little - I think if you choose men based on certain traits, you can have really good dating experiences). Anyway, so she may feel that you really don't find her attractive? However, if you've texted her a couple times, I'd think she should get the hint that you're still interested.

 

Not sure if this helped. Good luck!

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Reaper, when you're really attracted to a woman it doesn't matter whether you have anxiety or that you're shy, your body will make it happen. But in this case yours did the exact opposite. You had to drag yourself to even go out on the date and she had to move things along.

 

It's likely she sensed the lack of primal desire for her when you had sex, hence the loss of interest. Women can be very intuitive in bed. If not being proactive is a common occurrence I would suggest starting some deep self reflection and try to figure out what's going on with you on a sexual level. Exactly what it is that's holding you back.

 

Wow I never really thought of things in that way. I know you're not a "sex psychologist" or anything but what do YOU think could be responsible for this? Because now that you mention it- afew of us have been going to the strip club afew times as of late, and I even when getting lap dances, I never really get erect. I appreciate their bodies and enjoy it, but I guess I always kind of figured not getting an erection was normal?

 

The only real thing that comes to my mind is maybe my porn and masturbation habits? Obviously I don't mean to get too vulgar in this chat- but before Friday, I was on a dry spell that lasted the entire length of my singlehood and a little into the tail end of my relationship. So maybe about 3 years. Needless to say, my masturbation habits are at a high (at LEAST once a day, and sometimes 2. Before and after work, and twice a day on weekends). Not to mention the categories I've let myself slide into are way out into the woods. I feel like I've read things that imply that high levels of masturbation could lead to increased stamina? So i guess I assumed if it was doing ANYthing to me, it was helping. (Not that an increase in stamina has really been beneficial to me anyway..lol)

 

Could that possibly BE a cause of my lack of aggressiveness and desire in yalls opinion and possibly CAUSE erectile dysfunction in young men my age??